Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

The issue here is that for some people, blood is thicker than water. In her naivety, OP thought that in her DH and in-laws being polite, civil, kind, generous even, that wasn't the case with this family. Her eldest DD will soon feel the brunt of how wrong her mum was.

It's also very easy to see on these two threads who has to write the cheques each term/year for private education and who doesn't; and who has to consider the consequences of having money for their children, their relationships with each other, their grandchildren and their relationships with each other (that's once you've accounted for yourself in terms of later life care). Once you've got money, you can't pretend you don't. They're great problems to have - but they are problems. It's very easy to make glib statements when you don't know first hand how even 20 grand can ruin a sibling relationship if not dealt with properly.

FWIW my own personal opinions on this are actually much more aligned with OP. I think it would be heinous to have two girls living in the same house, with one being so much more privileged than the other. They're half-sisters. But, the DH isn't wrong. The in-laws aren't wrong. Sadly, I think the OP was wrong to put her eldest into this situation. MN is LITTERED with women who refuse to accept new men into their lives because of the way they might, or would feel obliged to treat their existing children. But, here they all are now. The only guaranteed outcome in this scenario is that one daughter or the other is going to be badly impacted by OP's choices, whether or not she and DH split, whether both or one or neither girl gets a better education. It's a very sad situation. I really don't know what I'd do in OP's shoes.

Maybe he should pay 50% of the school fees for both children and OP pay the other 50%. That would be fair and equal right?

Now that the OP has clarified that adoption was never considered nor discussed, I think it’s clear that the eldest child was never going to be part of her DH’s family. Neither the OP nor her DH has ever taken steps to achieve this.

The wedding situation is horrible, but his family are following their lead, tbh.

@GasPanic I absolutely know that if I married a man who had a small child, with no biological mother on the scene, and I promised my dh that I would raise that child as if they were my own, I would not pay for private education only for the child that was biologically mine!

If I couldn't easily afford private education for both, neither would get it. I wouldn't want to be the kind of person who could raise siblings and not treat them as equally important.
Now it's possible (probable) that I might love my biological child more but if I was the only mother in both their lives, neither child would know that from my treatment of them.
I couldn't stay married to a man who was okay with differentiating between children when both of them see him as their dad.

This is often an issue with blended families isn't it.

Say, for example, OP's DH did pay private school fees for eldest girl.
What would happen if OP then divorced him? Would he be expected to carry on funding tuition for a child who is not actually his?
If Yes, and the OP then married someone else, would DH3 be expected to pick up the tab so dd can continue her private schooling?

It's funny how issues are so magnified in a step family. I went to private school, my brother to a good state school and it was a total non issue for all involved.

And was there a similar age gap and did you both live in the same house 100% of the time for your entire childhood (or the birth of whichever of you is youngest? Which one of you is youngest?)

Did this situation come about because your parents decided only you were worthy of a private education or for some other reason? Was your brother excluded from the family in other ways, for example did you ever get invited to a wedding with your parents that your brother wasn't invited to?

A lot of what ifs here - who knows? I imagine it would all form part of the divorce settlement negotiations.

Yes similar age gap and being full siblings we lived together in the same house 100% of the time. In fairness though he did sit for private schools but was too lazy to do the optional bit at the end of the exam. The fact is though he went to a good faith school (not private) whereas mine was private.

I appreciate he was given the chance whereas op's dd may not be, but my point was it was never an issue for my brother, myself or any of us because we were not a step family.

Thanks for answering, but like you say at least he was given the opportunity. The problem here is that eldest dd isn’t being offered the same opportunities as her younger sister.

@KeenHiker

Read your updates OP sorry you are no closer to resolution.

Firstly, if you went to Prep yourself you know precisely what you are asking your younger daughter to give up. Sometimes you can be lucky and have a really good state school, but mostly there is no comparison. If your husbands present or future neices/nephews are likely to go the private school route your daughter will end up misaligned to her cousins, and she will no doubt be aware at some point - either through her own intelligence or the family grapevine - that you and her sister were the reason behind her having a great opportunity taken away… which is going to place both you and DD1 in an even worse position than now.

Secondly, if you are working full time, feel so strongly that your elder daughter should receive the same treatment and have the precedent for 50:50 division of bills. Then you could consider funding your elder daughters education - which would be fair - and either working more/seek promotion or ask your DH to support more of the ‘essentials’ during the seven years of senior school. This may mean kissing goodbye to a car, fancy holidays and handbags, but if your daughter is your priority then it will be worth it. The majority of people I know have to compromise to send their children to private school. And splitting the fees between you seems fair. Remember there are bursaries and other means of support your daughter may be entitled to on the basis of her academic ability and/or absentee father.

You have been incredibly naïve to think that your elder daughter would not be aware of her sisters wealth - your younger daughter was always going to have massive financial advantage due to her family. And your elder is not a dimwit and would have sussed things out early on whenever she has nicer clothes, presents, activities etc bought for her and later obviously when her younger sister appears with a brand new car and is on the housing ladder years before her. Your husbands family will get gifts and things of course - but it will be token and polite.

Please do try to facilitate contact with your former partner’s family - this is the only way of your elder daughter having a sense of who she is and proper familial relationships. There is no compromise for that and it is more worthwhile pursuing than fabricating a mirage and trying to force your husbands family to step in as a sticking plaster - it’s all fake. Awful about your elder’s father, but make the best of it you can.

Regards the photo with Granny; it is a two minute photograph, the woman is very elderly and doing this will give a lot of joy to the people who will miss her when she is gone. Presuming most of the children pictured will have some of her wealth trickling down to them too…. So really it would be very inappropriate for your elder daughter to be included - she isn’t related to this woman.

My advice would be don’t destabilise your children any further by creating another broken home. Your DH does sound reasonable and has contributed to your elder daughter having a vastly better quality of life than she would have had if you hadn’t met him. He is prepared to step up and parent her and to contribute to her well being, but there are limitations as he is not her father - he is a step father. If you feel so strongly about your elder daughter also having a private school education then you need to pay for it and suck it up that you have to compromise to do this and ask for some support with day to day things from your husband for the time period.

Go to the wedding and get on with it. Accept the photo is going to happen and allow the grandmother some 1:1 time with your younger daughter. In about 10yrs or so whenever your husbands parents have passed or gone gaga you are really not going to have to worry about making accomodations regarding his family; they will all scatter to the wind. Don’t upset yourself about them. Also in 8yrs time your elder daughter is going to Uni so no point upsetting the apple cart - if she was 2 and you had another 16yrs of childhood left you’d have a point but this is really going to be beyond conversation in a flash when your daughter is an adult.

What you need to ascertain now, beyond the wedding and private school issue, is what other plans your husband has up his sleeve, be it with his own money, or using for example a trust fund set up for DD2. Because you need to prepare yourself and your elder daughter for this and work out ways to bolster her resilience and self esteem. Think big things - does he plan to pay for more expensive activities (horse riding/skiing) and school trips for DD2, gap year, all Uni fees + accom, car, wedding, house deposit, health insurance, is he contributing to an ISA for her for her 18th?

You need to find out all this now, because it does diverge your daughters paths somewhat. And he is well within his rights to want to do any one of those things for his own offspring but not feel responsible to do the same for DD1 because she isn’t his and he has not formally adopted her, nor has he any intention of doing so.

I’ve just realized that I used to know a blended family in which the older children went to state and the younger children went to private schools.

Dad married first wife, had two children, they divorced and he got full custody, v. limited contact with their mother ( it was addiction-related).

He remarried and had two more children. His older children went to state schools; second wife paid for private for her two.

I knew the second wife, we were pretty good friends until they moved and we didn’t keep up the friendship. The older children seemed to adore the younger ones and their step-Mum. Obviously I have no idea how they felt about the school choices, but I suppose they accepted that their Dad couldn’t afford it?

I know that this isn’t really a helpful anecdote, but I’d forgotten about it-perhaps these choices are actually more common than we realize?

When I’m almost giving up on humanity , someone who thinks the same way as me 🙏

My step kids live in another country , for them to come to us we pay for every flight , we also pay for every flight to come to us before we then head abroad to go on holiday twice a year . I should add that when I say we , I’m the main earner as earn 3x more than Dh does ( we both work full time ) we both have 2x children from previous relationships and one together. So yes I know exactly how hard it is to have to actually use “ my “ money for children that are not biologically mine . I do it without resenting them or my DH because I love him and them , and because I truly believe for us to be a fair family without screwing up the kids they need to know we love them all equally and will do the same for all of them . I also should add one of DH children is actually his stepchild that calls him dad as he married his mum when he was 4 years old , therefore no dna related to him or me but still 100% our family .
So please do not assume everyone is as horrid as this family and some of the posters here or think the same way as you !

@BruFord

We chose a state school over private for DC as it was rated higher than local private and has comparable facilities.

We intend to have another child and are moving for more room… however in the new area the reverse is true so younger child will go to private school.

We also envisage that should any of the kids not get into free grammar we will pay for private at secondary level.

Therefore we are doing the best for each individual child depending on circumstances at the time, how we’re prioritising money and levelling the playing field as far as possible (ie paying for rugby lessons right now, but private would have coaching included).

At the current school most Mums have designer handbags, Range rovers and the like - they aren’t having to fork out for fees, but live in a nice area with a good school. At the private school there will be much less of that, especially as some have 3-4 kids to pay for. There are always compromises and things to weigh up.

I also think it would be a mistake for the OP to pay for private school for the oldest by herself, if that means such a significant reduction in her own standard of living that it creates even more of a two tier family. And if her h would happily let the situation play out, that's not love!

The "nasty" people who love, support and are very present for their grandchild you mean? Are they nasty for not volunteering to do the job a while other family categorically should be?

Trying to force them to do something they are absolutely not obligated to, whilst the actual responsible people who are not good enough for OP, piss about absent in the background, is not nasty. They do plenty for this child already. OP isn't satisfied. She's damn lucky because they actually have the total right to say "sorry, we don't want a relationship with an unrelated child" yet they don't. To allow the actual paternal relationship to be this shockingly bad, (and OP is partly responsible for this) then complain that an unrelated family aren't volunteering enough to your standards to pick up the slack, is frankly beggars belief.

Dont be so ridiculous. What a disingenuous post.

the eldest is not an “unrelated child”. She is related. She’s part of the family and has no right to be excluded.

There are some awful people on this thread.

and what mad things to say like denying the youngest a fantastic opportunity is unforgivable or will mess up the relationship. It’s not fantastic when it’s clearly favouritism.

if someone swooped in and offered one of your children £100k and not the other, would you accept it because it would be wrong to deny the favoured child.

this thread is just utter madness.

I wasn’t going to comment on the private schooling situation but I have a suggestion that hasn’t been mentioned. Could there be some negotiation? Rather than being so black and white, is there some room to discuss with your DH a third option?

When your youngest goes to secondary school it will be the same year your eldest goes to in to Sixth form. I believe I have got this right eldest in to year 12 and youngest in to year 7 during the same year?

Could your eldest go to private school just for those finally 2 years? As a Sixth Form college thing? Then they are both going to private school at the same time but not for the same duration?

My Sister and one of my best friends both went to private school for Sixth Form only and both enjoyed the transition. Myself and my 2 brothers didn’t get this option but none of us resent or care about it at the time or now that we are grown ups. I would have HATED it, and she loved it.

I do resent the fact he pays her rent now and has done for 3 years but that isn’t what we are talking about here.

Yes, they favour their grandchild over someone that isn’t their grandchild. Hardly unusual. She has ‘no right to be excluded’? Neither she nor OP have the right to demand she be considered a grandchild - she isn’t.

It is wrong to deny the ‘favoured’ one, yes, and doing so can absolutely damage relationships in the long term. That is inconvenient to acknowledge this whilst simultaneously ranting about ‘damaged family relationships’ doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

Also just to remind everyone the girls are sisters. Regardless of whether Dad is biologically related or not, the girls are.

Nonsense. “Someone who isn’t their grandchild”. It’s not a random child down the road. It damages the relationship if you bring up your children to believe that one should be favoured in this way and not the other - if you foster those sorts of values, you absolutely do sow the seeds to damage it. But those are poor values to instil.

at the end of the day, if the grandparents have the view that only a biological
child is a grandchild then it’s a shame for them that their son married someone with a very young child and chose to have a family with them. But I wouldn’t be fostering a relationship with them and they should realise that their behaviour will not gain them anything and they stand to lose everything.

the eldest is not an “unrelated child”. She is related. She’s part of the family and has no right to be excluded.

But, she is an unrelated child to them. Why pretend otherwise? If OP left they'd never see her again and would have no right too.