Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

@boozeclues What an unpleasant post, reflects far more on you than the OP though.

I really don’t care, honesty the absolute brass neck of the OP, if you have been following thread she expects her non bio grandparents to leave an inheritance equal to her eldest etc etc, thsts realy grabby.

She has purposely alienated her eldest child from her paternal family, according to her own accounts. I have zero sympathy for her, she sounds like a perpetual victim

Where on Earth has OP said this?

She said she was not anticipating there being obvious financial disparity between the girls until they were much older. Not that she expected them to leave her oldest daughter anything. She has also been blindsided that her DH wants to send the girls to different schools, because his family will pay for a private education for the youngest.

OP I think you have become so upset that you are conflating a whole lot of issues into a big rejection of your oldest dd

A) your dh wider family are quite reasonable to leave your youngest dd an inheritance and not your eldest. That your eldest dd father is useless is unfortunate but you can't expect your dh wider family to see your eldest as their relative because she has her own relatives. It would be nice if they saw her that way but to be frank, it's pretty normal not to as typically she would be inheriting from her father's family. Then it would be unfair that she got two inheritances and your youngest only got one.

B) are the finances there to send your eldest dd to private school? They are both YOUR daughters. I would decide what you want and if it is that both your daughters do private then I would tell your dh that is what you want. It is family money and you have a right to make decisions about it as much as he does. If there isn't the money then you will have to decide whether you want to deny your youngest this privilege or not.

Exactly . If this was me I would use the money available for better e am preparation and tutors that both the girls could have or use the money so that none needed go end up with university loans .

It was on her first thread about this, she homely thinks that the whole family should treat her eldest EXACTLY, the same when it comes to inheritance etc, whilst also not facilitating any kind of of contact with her eldest family.

I am sorry to say, but if her eldest family doesn’t want anything to do with her, and her DH family doesn’t want anything to do with her (this is the OP, not her daughter) - I imagine it’s an OP problem not everyone’s else. And she does sound grabby and entitled if you read all of her upsdtes on both threads

In your scenario it’s fair for the biological father to continue to provide funding to send his daughter to private school. The father funding the education is not part of the family unit living together. The second daughter is not his step daughter and therefore not a living situation he agreed to, or child he chose to have in his life.

In OP’s scenario, the two children in question live under the same roof, with the same two adults raising them as their children. The father in this scenario is living with both daughters, but planning to only fund one’s private education. Seems like a Cinderella situation, if one is being invited to the ball (sorry, wedding…) and having large sums of money spent on her education and the other isn’t. This isn’t a kid he has just met. She’s been in his life for at least 6 years (over half her life). When he decided to become a family with his DSD and wife, surely he was expecting to be a dad to her and everything that entails, especially knowing her biological dad wasn’t on the scene.

OP how are your estates being bequeathed in your wills. If you pass first will your eldest dd get anything from your dh?

So let me get this straight? The original thread stated you'd divorce your 'D'H over this issue yet now you're saying you'll go to the wedding despite nothing changing?
For that YADBU.
Edited - just read on previous thread that child is now invited.

@SomeCatFromJapan

I’m remembering this too…

The eldest didn’t get to go to grammar school and held it against her mother forever as the ruination of her life….

Other facts - around age 11, her mother took up with new DH, had more babies and was immersed in business and pretty much neglected the elder daughter, they had several bereavements and traumatic events in the family, the daughter was autistic and pretty sure from reading Mum’s posts she was too.

Totally different situation to this…

OP and DH love their daughters are bringing them up together and have a great family life.
Inheritance set up that both inherit from Mum and from their respective fathers.
OP wishes DH’s family would treat both girls the same, but they do not feel the same connection with or responsibility towards a child not biologically related to them.
Minor issue, a wedding invite - quickly resolved when brought to their attention.
Major issue, younger daughter’s privilege is becoming more apparent now she is of school age and OP is not equipped to handle it due to naïveté.

A big test would be asking him to officially adopt your eldest. Seeing as her father is not around. The answer will tell you a lot.

"The father in this scenario is living with both daughters, but planning to only fund one’s private education. Seems like a Cinderella situation, if one is being invited to the ball (sorry, wedding…) and having large sums of money spent on her education and the other isn’t. This isn’t a kid he has just met. She’s been in his life for at least 6 years (over half her life). When he decided to become a family with his DSD and wife, surely he was expecting to be a dad to her and everything that entails, especially knowing her biological dad wasn’t on the scene."

^^100% this.

I have so far read through just your initial post and your responses on your first thread, that you linked to on here.

And I am so utterly confused I don't think I can form an opinion!!

Very impressed with those who can...

They live in the same house together!!! The DH chose to become a family with DSD and mother. He now wants to treat each of the kids he is raising differently. Under one roof. That is so so wrong and cruel.

Exactly this, but the private school lovers on this thread refuse to see this!

@2Hot2Handle

All blended families live in the same house together, some all of the time or the kids move back and forth between Mum and Dad’s houses…..

Usually the parents pay for their children and make decisions together regarding the child’s upbringing, with step parents taking an important but secondary role.

In this instance, the step parent is providing a home, paying for everyday costs, holidays etc, possibly birthday parties too….

And the mother is wanting more… or to deprive the younger girl to keep status quo.

Somebody said it’s grabby which I agree with - she must have thought her ship came in when he ‘took on’ her and DD1.

He only has one daughter that he’s responsible for, unless he adopts the first he is a step parent.

Exactly. If you had one child gifted at sport, are you going to let them not play sport if the other is not equally as good? Or one beautiful and one ugly daughter, beauty can’t be a model cos it’s not fair? I know a couple of families where the ex pays for private school for one (shared) child, and new dc don’t go because their own mum and dad can’t afford it. Not fair. But nor is life.

You know what, she probably did think that. And who could blame her when he promised to love and treat her daughter as his own? She must have thought he was going to give her daughter a nice life - not treat her like a second-class citizen in the family.

I think it's pretty clear he's not going to do that.

I think when he said he would raise her with OP, OP heard what she wanted to hear, as the child's actual father is completely absent, she attached immediately to the vision that her new partner is now dad, and will provide everything, no matter the circumstance, end of. "Instant dad."

I think DH meant it, as he would raise the child day to day, provide housing, care, food, social activities, clothes, all the basics. Everything the child needs to a nice level. He didn't mean hundreds of thousands of private school fees and inheritance from him/his family.

He's already providing all the necessities that her father doesn't. And OP just takes this as minimum entitlement, berating him for not doing more. She's decided "you're dad now" because it suits her not to have to make any effort with the actual paternal family, it's easier for her to pretend the paternal family don't exist because they show no effort and bring nothing to the table. But it's not right. She chose to procreate with the father, but she's got a "better" option now though, so fine by her to call this DDs new dad. She cut ties with the actual grandmother who "cries too much". But throws tantrums about a 96yr old step-great-grandmother (that's not even a thing! step-great-grandmother ffs) for wanting one picture at her grandsons wedding, with her blood grandchildren.

I wonder how much of DH's expected involvement was actually volunteered by DH, or if the dynamic was more OP telling him how wonderful it will be now he's doing everything for her child, and him just nodding along because it's what she wanted to hear, and gave him an easy life. Now it's crunch time, she's finding out that he was indeed just nodding along.

Her focus should be repairing a relationship with the real paternal family, not berating an unrelated family because they fit the model of what she wants better, but aren't acting how she wants them too.

@Surprisedbuthappy

But he isn’t treating her like a second class citizen….

He’s saying he can’t contribute to funding a private school education for offspring that aren’t his own - possibly the funding is coming through from his family who made absolutely no promises to OP and do not see her elder daughter as ‘family’….

He’s stated he can’t force them to foster a familial relationship if they don’t want to. And he can’t…

The problem is the elder girl’s father is a waste of space, so are his family and OP and her family clearly don’t have much money either to contribute significantly towards the elder girl to match what the younger is getting.

Why is that the DH’s fault or his family’s?! Why must they sponsor her??

I don’t think you sound entitled at all. I didn’t get the impression that you expect your eldest to receive an inheritance from your DH family. To be honest, I don’t think he should’ve told you any of this. MIL sounds absolutely awful. I’m not surprised you feel differently about an adult who has expressed resenting a child’s presence.

Regarding the wealth, disparity you also have equal decision-making power in where your youngest attends school. Fight that battle when the time comes. This will probably be unpopular but if you know your youngest will be very well provided for then, perhaps you can discuss leaving your assets entirely to your eldest.

Some of the responses on this thread are wild to me.

no wonder we are where we are in society.

OP I don’t think you’re wrong at all. i think when you marry someone you absolutely should expect them to treat your very young children like their own and they should expect, prepared and want to do the same. I would not be happy with the attitude that because he didn’t sire her, it gives him the option of making very big decisions around fairness and parity when it comes to two children who are fairly close in age.

I saw your previous post that said you asked your in-laws what they were saving for their biological GD so you could match the savings for your other DD, this seems like a lovely thing to do and a good compromise. The fact they wouldn’t tell you is awful and petty in the extreme. That’s not just not treating the girls differently; that’s actively trying to make sure one is disadvantaged for no reason at all when it is you who would be matching the savings.

my mum had a half brother and she refuses to call him that. He has always been and will always be her brother. I don’t buy into this attitude that the in laws should be excused from treating the two girls differently. Family set ups are different; your daughter is very young and should not be made to feel different or any less than “family” simply because she is not biologically related. How utterly awful.

id be seeing all of them, including my husband, in a very different light.

if others think that’s grabby or entitled then so be it. But I don’t think you are in the wrong here.

“sponsor her??”

what an awful thing to say. He is married to the OP and has a family with her which includes her young daughter which has spent the majority of her life growing up and being parented by him.

maybe you make distinctions like that in your family, ordering people into some sort of hierarchy but that is not the norm, nor should it be and not should it be excused or tolerated.

Because when you marry someone with very young children, they come as a package deal. If the dc were teenagers it might be different but dd1 was very very young. Both the OP and DH should have assessed this fully before committing.

His family is a different matter but he should have spoken to them and called them out constantly as said above. When you marry someone with small dc they come as a package deal.

He is treating treating her like a second-class citizen. He knew about the rubbish biological father when he married OP and made promises to care for her daughter as his own. Such obvious favouritism towards the younger girl as allowing his family to leave her out of family events like weddings, and paying for her sister to receive private education while she is denied it, will cause her massive self-esteem issues. It's a one-way ticket to years of therapy (at best) - possibly harmful ways of coping at worst. He simply wouldn't do that to a child he loved equally. A bunch of strangers on an anonymous internet forum are more concerned about her welfare than he is!

Oh, and if he's not the one offering to pay for the younger girl's education, then he should be saying to his parents (or whoever is) "that's very generous of you but I have two daughters and I can't expect you to pay for both, so both our girls will be going to X school". And OP should never have been excluded from the discussion as her opinion of where her child goes to school counts for more than her in-laws'.