Just told DH I will Divorce him over a fucking wedding Part two

[KeenHiker]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5018658-just-told-dh-i-will-divorce-him-over-a-fucking-wedding

I can’t believe the responses that I had.

Essentially I am going to that wedding so it won’t backfire on me and then as people have suggested reassess when everything has calmed down after Easter.

I am never going to look at MiL in the same light as she clearly thinks my daughter is an impediment to her own granddaughter.

I’ve been on your side all the way and still am, but your latest updates have got me wondering a couple of things.

Does your DH feel like he has equal parental rights over your eldest? If he doesn’t, could he be putting up barriers to protect himself? You may have felt all these years, that as he’s not DD’s biological father, you didn’t feel right expecting him to treat her as such financially, or with decision making, such as schooling. Instead you’ve been happy that he’s treated her equally in everyday life, but tried not to burden him with the bigger parenting stuff. However, HE may feel like you’re holding him at arm’s length somewhat and actually he’d like to have a say in elder DD’s schooling and support her financially, such as in his will, or with private schooling. I think this is worth putting to him, as it may bring you guys back on the same page.

The other question in my mind, is if he has been influenced by his family, when it comes to his thinking about equal treatment, when it should be him teaching them how to behave with his blended family. The fact that MIL has gotten involved to try to resolve the problem and SIL has tried to extend an olive branch by messaging you directly (albeit badly), suggests that they do care about resolving this, but really need DH to be clear about how his DSD should be treated long term to clue them in to the deeper issue. Perhaps they’re on the defensive because they know they’re wrong, but are ashamed to admit it. They need someone to help them fix the problem and it should and can be DH, by telling them what you really need. Fine she won’t inherit from them, but she should be an equal participant in family events, as you are a family of 4. Seems like if DH could be firm about this position, their attitudes may well change for the better.

In this case, I would ask DH to speak to them about the genuine issue and how he’d like them to behave. Show that he loves and will stand by you guys. Be the stronger character. If he agrees to that, you could agree to apologise for reacting so angrily, explain that you love your family and daughters and want everyone to feel equally loved and that you hope they can understand. Also you could thank them for talking about this and working to resolve the issue (you don’t have to forgive them privately, but publicly it could bury the hatchet and allow things to settle).

Of course first, you need to be okay with DH, so tackle the first point, first!

Just a thought!

Yes. People do in fact do that. Each child would benefit from the opportunities available to them - that is fairness. Fairness is not denying one to compensate the other.

Well, we differ then. I think anyone doing that is, frankly, insane, unless significantly different needs are in play. The only time I've known that work ok is when an older sibling got into a selective school, and the younger didn't get in so went to private school. That worked only because the older one was confident both that his parents had chosen the 'best' school available to him, and would have paid for private had he not passed the 11+.

Interestingly, there was a long running thread a few months ago where the op was asking for help with her adult daughter who was struggling on every level: job, relationship, friends, family. It turned out that the op had made a lot of money through a business and had given her subsequent two children (I think half siblings, but can't remember and it doesn't really matter) private school, etc. Older daughter, and relationship with mum and sisters, was pretty destroyed by it, and posters were fairly unanimous that the unfairness was wrong. But I think a lot of people are projecting step-parent feelings here.

Yes, I would. I don't know why that is so strange to some people. I would have done it for all of them had it been possible. Anyone who has raised more than one child knows that there will be times in their lives when one child will have opportunities that the others won't. Finances change. Environments change. Opportunities change. That's life.

I have three children and the idea of treating them so starkly differently is absolutely very strange to me. I (genuinely) hope it works out for you, but I can't see that producing anything other than resentment and damaged sibling relationships, unless there is something else in play to 'justify' it (particular needs, etc)

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I wasn't brave enough to post this myself, but I was thinking it!

It really isn’t that unusual. I went to private school myself and met a few people whose siblings had gone to state school. Some because of situations like the one in the OP, and others because the financial fortunes of their family had changed. The parents provided to their children what they were able to, and what they were able to do was subject to change.

Denying someone opportunities in the name of fairness does not in any way guarantee positive relationships.

It turned out that the op had made a lot of money through a business and had given her subsequent two children (I think half siblings, but can't remember and it doesn't really matter) private school, etc. Older daughter, and relationship with mum and sisters, was pretty destroyed by it, and posters were fairly unanimous that the unfairness was wrong.

Jealous will do that to people. Similar effect to the resentment the OP's youngest might feel when she realises she was denied it because of her sister.

Pointless questions because the eldest does exist and no one is being pulled out of an established school.

Gosh this is growing.

I absolutely agree no child should be excluded from a family wedding invite.

Like others have said this entire inheritance issue is another discussion, one which with hindsight should have taken place long ago.

I don't think you can influence or assume grandparents leave inheritance to anyone.

Best case their own children and they argue it out.

So many issues requiring legal advice. Where do children go if, sadly, both of you were killed?

Are they split?

Does DH will leave everything to you and vice versa?

What if you die and he rejects eldest?

What if both die and family do.

This, whilst awful does highlight the issues about step children and legal position.

Tell me you don't understand a relative hypothetical scenario without telling me you don't understand a relative hypothetical scenario

No, it is quite normal for someone to become resentful as a result of being denied opportunities they could otherwise have, because ‘it’s not fair!’.

Thankfully OP’s husband does have a say in his daughter’s schooling, and OP can’t unilaterally decide ‘what’s better’ is for her youngest to be disadvantaged as a means of compensating her eldest.

What about the hypothetical scenario I posted earlier? Two biological parents, two children. They can afford to send one child to private school but not both. Do they choose their favourite and just send them because why deny both children in the name of fairness?

Oh, and just to make it fun, Daddy thinks they should pay for the the eldest child to go because they were there first so have the bigger claim, but Mummy thinks neither should go since they can't pay for both...

I'm annoyed on your behalf op what a shit show

Oh I understand, but it has absolutely no relevance to this thread or OPs problem at all.
If you're curious how people feel about this, start your own thread.

I haven't done it. I was responding to your hypothetical question. But mine have had different opportunities in other ways. I have one super popular child who gets invited to everything. She has been away on holidays with her friends' families. She gets more presents on her birthday because she has more friends. She has bigger parties because she has more friends. My son is a lot shyer. Has a small friendship group, smaller parties, and has never been away on non-family holidays. He's jealous of her. He has always had his own room though. DD1 has to share with her sister. She hates that. It's not fair etc.

But I suppose many here think I should not let her go away with her friends, make her give away half of her birthday presents, and make her cull her friendship group, while I pluck an extra bedroom out of my butt so everyone can feels equal.

Also, as someone with a severely autistic brother, I missed out on a loooot as a child because of people thinking everything had to be fair, but also a lot of guilt put on me for the things I did get to do differently. Justifiable or unjustifiable doesn't matter, everyone will suffer in one way or another.

It has absolute relevance. I'm baffled as to why people claim not to see it.

It's a different version of depriving one child from their father's support because an unrelated man has fathered a half sibling with their mother.

@Codlingmoths

The girl has a father - HE and his family have responsibility for/to her.

It is not the DH’s responsibility to pay for her or whatever else. He is doing more than most step fathers by taking on the responsibility of parenting her and providing for her day to day needs on a full time basis.

His family have absolutely no obligation to do anything for her whatsoever - she is not their family - and he shouldn’t have to pay for major things for her — she has two parents already!!

How does it help OP?

You are enjoying the drama of it all hence the second thread. You expect all or nothing approach the comment of the photos with the grandmother, inheritance etc says it all. You can't make them accept your dd on the same level as their biological niece. I asked if the other thread does she call mil grandma your bil and sil auntie and uncle? How often does she seem them?

Jealous will do that to people. Similar effect to the resentment the OP's youngest might feel when she realises she was denied it because of her sister.

I remember that thread and it wasn't jealousy. The oldest girl had been neglected of her mother's time as she put all her energies into her business. The younger two benefitted from all the time, love and money the eldest never got.

So it wasn't about private school then? Well, it doesn't sound like the OP is neglecting either of her children here, so it's not really an accurate comparison between threads.

@IncyWincyEyeroll

Well yes because the 16 year old would be GCSE year, settled with friends and moving him/her at that point could disrupt key exam years.

To make it more fair I would offer to pay for extra tuition, give extra support, offer for them to stay home rent free or to pay towards accomodation or car at Uni that sort of thing…

If the DH can afford private school for his offspring he shouldn’t be prevented from it - even now (as she is only in reception!!) - it’s his daughter and it’s something he wants to commit to.

There’s no point moving older girl as she is almost done primary and paying for 7 years private for her at secondary level is an enormous cost that really should be covered by her parents if they want that for her.

If it was a choice between sending one child to private or none, I would absolutely send one. The advantages are worth it.

@Surprisedbuthappy

It will be blatantly apparent to the younger daughter that this was the case

Her cousins on her Dad’s side likely go/will go to private school, and there is likely a history of private school attendance within the family too.

Whenever she grows up a bit she will be looking at her elder sister with daggers because it will be extremely obvious what she has missed out on.

Doesn’t change the fact the hubby has no backbone . A normal person would say no . As someone with step children and with children from q previous relationship I know to well how had it is to make it fair to everyone . But I could never deny private education to my step children if my own kids had it . And I’m sure my iartnwr thinks the same way

Ok I posted a few times int he last thread and I am going to bite now.

YOUR ELDEST DAUGHTER IS NOT THEIR FAMILY, I don’t get why you don’t think a family photo with an elderly woman with just her biological grandchildren isn’t merited, she gave birth to children and it will be bloody lovely to see all the younger children who might bare a family resemblance in one picture before she dies.

The wider family have zero obligation to your eldest daughter. It does sound like from the start you wanted your husbands family to be your eldests surrogate family, he isn’t legally her dad and from some of your previous posts it sounds like you have purposely alienated some of your eldests paternal family.

Why don’t you take some responsibility for your own life and eldest daughter, facilitate a relationship with her family, rather than trying to force a relationship with people she isn’t related to.

Also if you do divorce your husband over this I actually hope he gets 50/50 as it sounds like at least your youngest will be brought up with a positive outlook on what family life is supposed to be. Not some warped view on who inherits what, you sound really grabby OP, if you married into my family, I would be giving you a wide berth too