To ask for a seat for my 3 years old at the wedding?

[YesterdayandBoris]

My husband and I are travelling long distance for his brothers wedding - 16+ hour flight. We will have two children (currently waiting the arrival of our second) they will be 2 months and 3 years at the time of the wedding.

My BIL keeps suggesting the wedding is ‘no children’, which we understand we also didn’t have children at our wedding but we’re travelling half way across the world!

We have just RSVP’d and our son doesn’t have a space at the meal. I quote “they thought all the children would go upstairs to the bridal suite” - my son is 3 in a foreign country there is no way I’m sending him upstairs with some random family friend of the brides I don’t know.

AIBU to say no he needs to be at the meal?

• *It’s a very late wedding getting married at 6pm, and so the meal starts at 7pm so I’m going to have to leave at some point with the children anyway to take them to bed.

FWIW my husband agrees but is trying to be diplomatic because we also didn’t want children at our wedding so can see their point. But at our wedding we didn’t have any nieces or nephews at the time so it was just friends children that were not invited. Which I think is completely different, plus those people had childcare options we are in a different country.

Don’t make such a drama about it , you all go with kids to the ceremony and then you and the kids go back to your villa and leave your husband to go to the meal . I really can’t see the issue . Alternatively don’t go at all . Why should your child be the exception .

@YesterdayandBoris If the wedding is 16 hours away will you need vaccinations for where it is held?

We took our very clingy 18 month old to a wedding where she was looked after by a previously unknown babysitter in the evening. She was wonderful anf our daughter was fine, despite usually cosleeping with me. She was with her from c.7pm to 1am and went to sleep beautifully. If the babysitter us good your LO will be fine, if unsettled you can just duck out of the meal and take LO home.

As a PP has mentioned

The newborns passport is a worry isnt it!

Do you really need to go?

Your additional information would have been useful in the original post OP! I was going to say either decline or send OH alone.
I wouldn’t be leaving my toddler and tiny baby with a stranger either.
It’s not a childfree wedding if toddler is a ringbearer. It’s a ‘child can be in the parts that suit us’ wedding which I think is selfish. When is the toddler supposed to have his dinner? Is there a separate place you can take him for his dinner? If so, I would tell bil that you and the children won’t be at the meal, you will be off getting them fed, bathed and put to bed. Pretty crap evening for you though!

I wouldn't use a babysitter I don't know..especially in a foreign country. Thought that would go without saying.

Personally I would not go . The way I see it , if your family is important to you , they will make allowances . They are not making allowances so in a way I’m sure they will expect you not to go and are not bothered for it .
I’m currently planning my wedding , It includes 15 children , that yes, I agree is a lot extra to pay for , but their parents are important to me and I know they would struggle to leave them. Expecting someone to travel so far and not even include the whole family is extremely rude and entitled

I doubt it’s anything to do with being in a foreign country.

I never used a babysitter when mine were young. In fact, we only left DC. with a very well known family friend just the once when youngest was 8.

Not everyone feels the need to abandon their children to go boozing you know. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If there are plans in place for the children to be looked after, fed and amused in another part of the hotel I would go with that, it's a bit like our old Christmas days when the children were fed in another room, for space, and I felt a bit unhappy on their part but they loved it, being off the parental leash for a while. They say they had a great time!

Don't you think that other people had to make difficult childhood minding arrangements to attend your wedding?

Just because you may not have heard about them, doesn't mean they didn't happen?

I voted unreasonable until I read this! I find that very strange and difficult for you as parents.

What a load of rubbish! No child is being 'abandoned' when in the care of a baby sitter, nor is having a wedding dinner going 'boozing', at least not in most people's worlds, your world may have lower standards!.
An 8 year old who is tied to the parental apron strings is an unfortunate child though! Probably turn out like one of the students who have never used a microwave at 18 and get into all sorts of difficulties!

I think it’s madness. Honestly. Is this an English speaking country? Even if it is and the babysitter can communicate fine, your 3 year old is, what…? Going to watch you and your husband and his new baby sibling go off without him while he’s left with some random stranger he’s never met in a place they’ve never been before?

I had this exact same situation and just didn’t go to the wedding. No way would I leave my children with strangers anyway, let alone in a foreign country where I have no idea of who these people are - can’t do due diligence before hand. Maaaaybe if a hotel had a well regulated crèche? Maybe if the kid was more like 8/9? Could have a phone. Could stand up for themselves and tell me if something untoward had happened.

this is absolutely unreasonable behaviour- you can’t ask people to hand their children to strangers.

Do this couple have kids?? Im pretty sure they don’t and GUARANTEE you when the do have kids they won’t be happy if someone tries to put them in this position. They’ll be precious parents and you’ll regret ever having put YOURSELF in this position for them.

Yeah it's unlikely that all of the OP's guests had easily available and willing family childcare options because not everyone does

Sorry this is a bit weird but because you have got your hands full; my idea is : Have you got another , highly trusted friend or family member who can act as ' impromtu nanny' - someone you can take on your trip someone who can help with the little ones and babysit in a adjoining room for a few hours, fir the duration of the wedding . Someone whom would be glad of a holiday

Your brother in law, understands you have a child.

You have to travel across the world. HIS options are to sort it out or you don't go. And this is ok and reasonable for you to do.

IT IS NOT reasonable for him to dictate your child care arrangements. If you are not happy thats sufficient.

I would tell him you understand that he does not want you at the wedding and act accordingly tbh.

This new information changes a lot, in my view.

I'd expect accommodation to be made for the ring bearer. Since this has not been done, then - if you're attending - you'll have to leave the meal to be with your son. Maybe ask what arrangements have been made for feeding the children and ask for your meal to be made available for you in the suite?

People are mad, aren’t they? Poor you. Your BIL is being ridiculous.
Rather than it become a huge family drama I think I’d play it by ear, keep little one with you and probably no one will even notice. You are NOT being unreasonable!! But also try not to let it escalate bcs these things can get so out of hand. Good luck

Because presumably the Tonbridge Wells childcare provider will have been DBS checked and/or ofsted checked, and it won't be a strange environment for the child.

This.

There isn't an alternative acceptable response if you have close family and friends you really want to attend.

What will you do with the 2 month old? This whole wedding is not going to be fun for you. - as child unfriendly things tend not to be when you have small kids. It’s going to be about managing the kids to fit in with the wishes of the couple. If you see it as work then it will make the strains of the day easier and help you choose sensible options. So if I were you, I’d take baby and 3 yo for bed/naps and have room service dinner, then if there is someone to watch sleeping kids join dh for a drink after, or just retire to room with a book or movie. If the holiday surrounding the wedding makes it bearable to have one shit day then suck it up - if it’s not worth the hassleand expense, don’t go.

No meal then no ring bearer, BIL will have to carry the ring himself.

PP above mentions the fact that it may not be advisable to travel either with an 8wo baby or so close to giving birth for OPs health.

This is really salient - not least because should there be complications and OP were to have to have an unexpected C-section or even a bad perineal tear (for example) the advice would likely be not to travel for OP’s own health unless its absolutely essential to do so. An 8wo baby’s immune system is still developing, so air travel/airports are generally not advised for longhaul travel. Not sure the passengers on the flight will be terribly good humoured after a 6-8hours either (my two both had colic - they would have caused a riot).

You might also want to check whether you can get travel insurance as this will indicate whether it is advisable? I suspect there could be significant premiums on this occasion.

The more I think about this, personally, the more I think travelling with two such young infants, so close to giving birth, is insanity. I know I would not have done it. I really would just send DH for a shorter break to see his family and stay home with some support in place to help with the kids.

If there are other family children being catered for in the bridal suite then give that a go. If your child doesn’t settle then take him back to your villa. Don’t make a big drama of it all.

YABU it’s not necessary for them to make a different decision, you just need to say no. It’s not feasible to attend a childfree wedding when you’ve got two young children and no appropriate childcare. You are under no obligation to say yes to him being a ring bearer when it’s something that you cannot practically accommodate and they should understand that.