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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a seat for my 3 years old at the wedding?

319 replies

YesterdayandBoris · 04/03/2024 07:05

My husband and I are travelling long distance for his brothers wedding - 16+ hour flight. We will have two children (currently waiting the arrival of our second) they will be 2 months and 3 years at the time of the wedding.

My BIL keeps suggesting the wedding is ‘no children’, which we understand we also didn’t have children at our wedding but we’re travelling half way across the world!

We have just RSVP’d and our son doesn’t have a space at the meal. I quote “they thought all the children would go upstairs to the bridal suite” - my son is 3 in a foreign country there is no way I’m sending him upstairs with some random family friend of the brides I don’t know.

AIBU to say no he needs to be at the meal?

  • *It’s a very late wedding getting married at 6pm, and so the meal starts at 7pm so I’m going to have to leave at some point with the children anyway to take them to bed.

FWIW my husband agrees but is trying to be diplomatic because we also didn’t want children at our wedding so can see their point. But at our wedding we didn’t have any nieces or nephews at the time so it was just friends children that were not invited. Which I think is completely different, plus those people had childcare options we are in a different country.

OP posts:
fitzwilliamdarcy · 04/03/2024 12:41

theremustbecake · 04/03/2024 10:55

I thought the whole point of marriage was KIDS

So on top of being barren, our marriages are also pointless? Good to know.

Pottedpalm · 04/03/2024 12:42

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2024 10:55

You definitely need to clarify their expectations for the baby. They may well baulk at the idea of you breastfeeding at the dinner table.

Even childfree weddings allow babes in arms. Why oh why would anyone baulk at breastfeeding? Don’t paint these people as demons, remember the OP had a child free wedding herself.

BreatheAndFocus · 04/03/2024 12:43

So you didn’t want children at your own wedding but, now you have children yourself, you’re baulking at the idea of leaving your child with a stranger away from you? How do you think the parents at your wedding felt? If it was ok for them, it’s ok for you.

Either take your son and baby and leave after the duties and ring-bearing or don’t go at all, depending on how you feel about the ring-bearing bit.

BusyMummy001 · 04/03/2024 12:47

BusyMummy001 · 04/03/2024 12:36

PP above mentions the fact that it may not be advisable to travel either with an 8wo baby or so close to giving birth for OPs health.

This is really salient - not least because should there be complications and OP were to have to have an unexpected C-section or even a bad perineal tear (for example) the advice would likely be not to travel for OP’s own health unless its absolutely essential to do so. An 8wo baby’s immune system is still developing, so air travel/airports are generally not advised for longhaul travel. Not sure the passengers on the flight will be terribly good humoured after a 6-8hours either (my two both had colic - they would have caused a riot).

You might also want to check whether you can get travel insurance as this will indicate whether it is advisable? I suspect there could be significant premiums on this occasion.

The more I think about this, personally, the more I think travelling with two such young infants, so close to giving birth, is insanity. I know I would not have done it. I really would just send DH for a shorter break to see his family and stay home with some support in place to help with the kids.

N idea what is going on with MN - but this is the second post that has not ended up where it was meant to be!! Please ignore and I’ll get it deleted.

MooseOnTour · 04/03/2024 12:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

kitsuneghost · 04/03/2024 12:50

YesterdayandBoris · 04/03/2024 07:12

Sorry I’ve not made it clear, this is part of a much bigger holiday we’re going for two weeks. My son is expected to be the ring bearer and has a suit for the ‘day’ aspect of the wedding but then is expected to disappear?

Sorry but I wouldn't be having that
No kids at wedding - fine
No kids at weeding except to make some cute pictures for my social media-No

I would say he can no longer be ring bearer and take the kids to a theme park / water park or something and let your husband attend alone

DistingusedSocialCommentator · 04/03/2024 12:51

BasilBanana · 04/03/2024 10:12

Don't be silly, it's different now it's her children!

Show quote history

You are the one that is being "silly "and deliberately obtuse.

BasilBanana · 04/03/2024 12:54

@DistingusedSocialCommentator I'm confused, you seem cross with me but I am pretty sure we both think the OP is having a laugh?

DistingusedSocialCommentator · 04/03/2024 12:58

BasilBanana · 04/03/2024 12:54

@DistingusedSocialCommentator I'm confused, you seem cross with me but I am pretty sure we both think the OP is having a laugh?

True re OP having a lol, so why disagree with me?

beAsensible1 · 04/03/2024 12:59

why not travel with either a ring camera or bedside cot camera, then you can watch your child in the room with the babysitter if you are worried?

We use them on holiday when travelling with loads of work stuff, A standing ring camera, connected to the wifi works a treat.

I think offering a babysitting provision is quite nice of them tbh

BasilBanana · 04/03/2024 12:59

I think my sarcasm has not come across. I meant that the OP seemed to think it was different now it was her own children. I'm giving up now.

beAsensible1 · 04/03/2024 13:05

Concestor · 04/03/2024 09:29

With my first, we were invited to a wedding, and so I took a 7-week-old baby to Italy. It was fine! Apart from having to go to London to get the passport as it wouldn't have come back in time otherwise. Little babies are very portable.

Show quote history

Much easier with a tiny baby than a restless toddler

Outthedoor24 · 04/03/2024 13:07

I definitely think meeting the babysitter first is a good idea. I assume there are no language barriers?

I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask for a seat or the 3yo, just incase he doesn't settle with the babysitter. It's a big day, lots of excitement, lots of new relatives who'll fuss over him. By the end of it his might be unsettled, overwhelmed and just want mum.

Brutal for a babysitter trying to watch kids when one is small and very unsettled. Been there got the t-shirt.
"I want my mum", on repeat before she cried herself to sleep. I'm years down the line and it still upsets me. I didn't know the child, but knew the extended family, it was her Grans funeral so.... I don't think I could let a child be that upset for a wedding.

You might also want a plan B for the baby. There was a 3mth old at my wedding who slept though the band. My 2mth old at a friend's wedding hated it.

beAsensible1 · 04/03/2024 13:14

No 3 year old wants to sit down to a wedding dinner at 7pm. It would be a nightmare, they've provided childcare for all the children, where they can make as much noise as they like in the same building, easily accessible at any time to parents, but not where it will disrupts wedding dinners or speeches.

I do think it's a good compromise, and if there are other children and a few toys, You can settle them and most would manage fine with the multiple distractions.

I really don't think they're being unreasonable

TheShellBeach · 04/03/2024 13:22

Your toddler will be very tired anyway at the wedding if it isn't till 6.30pm. That's when mine were going to bed at that age. I doubt if being a ring bearer is even realistic, never mind being at the wedding dinner.

OP you reap what you sow.
Now you understand why people object to child free weddings.

Pottedpalm · 04/03/2024 13:23

DistingusedSocialCommentator · 04/03/2024 12:58

True re OP having a lol, so why disagree with me?

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Oh dear!

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/03/2024 13:40

JudgeJ · 04/03/2024 12:03

What a load of rubbish! No child is being 'abandoned' when in the care of a baby sitter, nor is having a wedding dinner going 'boozing', at least not in most people's worlds, your world may have lower standards!.
An 8 year old who is tied to the parental apron strings is an unfortunate child though! Probably turn out like one of the students who have never used a microwave at 18 and get into all sorts of difficulties!

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@PinkIcedCream

lol “abandoned” such hyperbole

thesurrealist · 04/03/2024 13:44

One day they’ll have kids and realise how hard it is - and how unreasonable they’ve been for encouraging you to travel around the world for a wedding and being so inflexible.

Or they might not....
They might not have kids ever - some people don't.
They might have kids and still be glad they had a childfree wedding.
They probably already know that parents need to find childcare hence why they have arranged some. If that isn't good enough, then what more can they do?
AS is often said on here, it is an invitation, not a summons. In my many, many years experience of life and weddings....the Bride and Groom don't badger people to come when they really cannot for some reason and, in many cases, they don't really care.

The tantrums, in my experience, tend to be from guests who can't bring their children/wear the long white dress/other thing designed to piss off the couple actually getting married.
Many people are not close to their families and so nieces and nephews are often brought up in another part of the country/another country and the aunt/uncle/nibling relationship isn't there. I personally adore my nieces....now they are adults, but when they were children they were annoying brats and no way would i have had them at my wedding.

Londonrach1 · 04/03/2024 13:52

Op...you need to check with the b&g as no children means the baby too. I've read your update and still seems you can bring the baby. Tbh you mad to be thinking of taking such a long journey with such a young baby and what happens if you have a bad birth, don't establish breast feeding (you said you wanted too).

ranchdressing · 04/03/2024 13:58

Are you sure the dinner is at 7 and not just the canapes? At Mediterranean weddings (that usually start at 6) the dinner isnt til at least 9pm

nutmeg7 · 04/03/2024 14:01

If you are expected to travel long distance to another country to a wedding AND at the same time not to bring young children when you might have no options for leaving them for a few days, then the bride and groom have no realistic understanding of the reality of being a parent. This happened to me, the only possible option for a few days care for 2 young children would have been my parents, and they were going to the wedding. We didn’t go, and there was some mega sulking from the grooms parents (my aunt) but I really don’t know what they expected us to do.

It’s fine to say no children at a wedding, but no grumbling if some parents are then unable to attend.

LightDrizzle · 04/03/2024 14:02

Surely he won’t be used to eating at that time? It’s not going to work him being at the dinner. I’d bow out of dinner
sp just your husband attends that bit. Your 3 year old is very likely to be disruptive as any 3 year old would be at that time and for that duration.

pikkumyy77 · 04/03/2024 14:02

I don’t understand why the meal is the breaking pount. Your three year old is not going to enjoy a sit down meal with adults any way. Why wouldn’t you send him off to be entertained for a few hours?

MaryMary6589 · 04/03/2024 14:07

YesterdayandBoris · 04/03/2024 09:14

Thanks for this, I think you’re right. I’m going to ask if he can meet the babysitter before and maybe a bit more information about food/ activities in the bridal suite. We can pop upstairs when appropriate in the meal.

We have a villa about 15 minutes drive away, I’ll stay as long as he is happy upstairs then whisk them off to bed. The post has been super helpful made me realise they just want a lovely quiet meal without my children which is fine. They’ve not mentioned the baby but I’ll be breastfeeding and I’m sure they’ll be easily calmed with some milk/ cluster feeding.

I also recognise how mad it is travelling so far with young children, but it’s his only brother.

Show quote history

Just be warned, I was 'allowed' to bring my newborn to SIL's wedding but I was told by SIL and MIL that I wasn't 'allowed' to breastfeed at the wedding in front of other people in case it made people uncomfortable or in case I ended up in the background of a photo doing it. I spent a lot of time either in the car or pushing him around outside in the pram. It was an interesting day...

SaffronSpice · 04/03/2024 14:16

in my opinion, if the child is taking part in the ceremony they should be included in the reception, you can’t have it both ways.

why should a small child be forced to sit through a long dull reception after his bedtime? Carrying the ring will make the ceremony a bit more interesting for him but the ceremony is enough for a 3 year old to sit through, so once is over, why not let him relax with a baby sitter? If the wedding is at 6pm he would be better having supper at 4:30pm before it.