To ask for a seat for my 3 years old at the wedding?

[YesterdayandBoris]

My husband and I are travelling long distance for his brothers wedding - 16+ hour flight. We will have two children (currently waiting the arrival of our second) they will be 2 months and 3 years at the time of the wedding.

My BIL keeps suggesting the wedding is ‘no children’, which we understand we also didn’t have children at our wedding but we’re travelling half way across the world!

We have just RSVP’d and our son doesn’t have a space at the meal. I quote “they thought all the children would go upstairs to the bridal suite” - my son is 3 in a foreign country there is no way I’m sending him upstairs with some random family friend of the brides I don’t know.

AIBU to say no he needs to be at the meal?

• *It’s a very late wedding getting married at 6pm, and so the meal starts at 7pm so I’m going to have to leave at some point with the children anyway to take them to bed.

FWIW my husband agrees but is trying to be diplomatic because we also didn’t want children at our wedding so can see their point. But at our wedding we didn’t have any nieces or nephews at the time so it was just friends children that were not invited. Which I think is completely different, plus those people had childcare options we are in a different country.

You’re there for the day as planned. You go back to hotel with toddler for the meal and get a nice take out. Probably more fun than trying to get a 3 year old to sit still for the speeches anyway 😂

I have a 5 yr old and I would t leave him with anyonei don’t know especially in this country never mind halfway across the world.

You definitely need to clarify their expectations for the baby. They may well baulk at the idea of you breastfeeding at the dinner table.

I thought the whole point of marriage was KIDS

I had a child-free wedding but made an exception for my maid of honour who had an 8 month old baby. Her parents were also at my wedding so there’s no way I could’ve excluded the baby (and wouldn’t have wanted to). I’ve also been to child-free weddings where little nieces/nephews of the B&G were there. It’s ok to make exceptions for some people and I find it weird that wedding couples will exclude their nieces and nephews because of their child-free rules.

On a more practical note - are you sure you'll be able to get a passport for the baby ? Around here it's taking 4 weeks to get an appointment to register the birth.

I'm going to go against the trend here.

If I could meet the adults involved before hand I'd probably allow my child to go off with all the other children. After all, presumably the other parents trust them enough to let their child go? Would you hesitate to put your DC in a hotel creche when on an AI holiday for example?

IME young children far prefer to play with a group their own age than to sit about at formal meals with lots of speeches. I imagine they'll have some food and entertainment of their own and won't just be left to stare blankly at the wall for a few hours.

I know there's always a concern handing our children to unknown adults but people do it every day - you just have to assume the majority of people are good.

Find out a bit more about what is intended and don't dismiss it out of hand

I don't understand the issue. He's only going to be upstairs so you can take it in turns to pop up to see him regularly. He's with other children and an adult that the bride trusts.

OP, I wouldn't have left my 3yo with a random family member I didn't know. DC1 was a handful at that age!

I've since left DC1 with babysitters at two weddings, but in both cases there was a formal creche run by a company with food and entertainment, and a minimum carer-child ratio (at the first one, DC1 essentially had their own nanny who took them to the playground in the grounds when DC1 was bored of being inside with the tinies). DC1 was 4 at the first of these weddings.

In your case, I would have declined the invitation for you and the DC and asked your DH to go alone, given the age of your youngest. I don't think I could have faced schlepping a tiny baby and toddler on a long-distance flight!

If you're committed/everything is booked, I'd go back to the villa and let your DH go alone to the evening meal. It's his brother. And trying to soothe a baby while also controlling an active 3yo during a long evening meal with speeches sounds like the sort of punishment which should be reserved for those who have done something very, very wicked (which I'm sure you haven't!) rather than a nice family occasion. Save yourself the hassle.

This!

I would be checking the arrangements for the baby. I would want to be sure that it will be acceptable for the baby to stay with me throughout.

Initially thought you where being unreasonable, but as your child is being used as part of the wedding I can see your point. As it's part of a 2 week holiday though I would just stay for the ceremony and then you and the children go back to where you are staying. To be honest with a 2 month old and a very tired 3 year old I would be quite pleased to have an excuse to go. Maybe your husband could stay longer as its his brothers wedding. I wouldn't cause family drama when in reality you would probably have to go earlier anyway

Since when? Plenty of people are in very happy marriages where no kids are involved

Would you hesitate to put your DC in a hotel creche when on an AI holiday for example

Maybe I'm over-cautious, but I check holiday childcare quite carefully and expect the staff to be properly vetted and qualified and the premises to be safe secure. I've refused to leave my then toddler in a kids' club before because it was being held temporarily in an area open to the public while the premises were being refurbished and I didn't have confidence in the staff.

Not the most helpful suggestion but if it were me I would simply not go. Sounds far too stressful for you, your 3 year old plus a new baby.

This all seems like such a fuss about nothing. OP was quite happy for people to be stressed at her wedding about childcare when she had child free but now the shoe is on the other foot there is drama

BIL/SIL are having the wedding that they want - their choice

I have no doubt that the ring bearer thing came up because they knew the kids will be there because it’s part of a larger holiday but if the wedding was here I bet they wouldn’t have been asked. Reason being they want a child free wedding, just as the OP did, but they can’t say don’t bring the kids abroad to the destination

So they have found a way to include them at the point of the day when they will be most awake and have arranged childcare for the time they want it to be adults only - their choice

OP can either accept that choice and use the childcare, alternate between her and DH sitting with the kids or go back to the villa after the ceremony

Or even not travel at all. Plenty of options

Do you realise how hurtful that comment is to people who don't have children, can't have children, have lost children, can't afford children, have chosen not to have children

Go to the wedding and then one of you only goes to the meal - the other can go and eat with the kids and get them to bed .

YABU, massively.

You had a child free wedding. You are unreasonable for not respecting the same wishes from someone else.

I probably wouldn't leave my two DC I did not know. I would leave and take the DC back to the villa.

My DP's friend had their wedding hundreds of miles away for where we all live. My tiny baby was not invited, you should check what the expectations are instead of assuming it will be ok. We took them to the city and took my sis and her DH to look after the baby. This was the first time anyone looked after them.

We were the first of that friendship group to have DC. DP's friend has since had DC and apologised for not understanding the challenging situation they put us in. At the time, they were annoyed we left about 10pm when 'the party was getting started'.

We had nieces, nephews and godchildren at our wedding. If I had my time over, I would have had a DC free wedding. Half the DC were rowdy and not looked after by their parents.

At 7pm, your 3yo will be exhausted and probably won’t be good company at an adult meal.

This. I would see what the arrangements are when you get there. You could do the day part and then take your child off to your accommodation otherwise.

@theremustbecake

lol are you ok hun?

the 1950s are that way 👈

But it's not a child free wedding since they want ops 3 year old in the wedding party. Just not at the wedding breakfast or party. Which puts op in a tricky position given they are all traveling abroad for the wedding.

Op also just clocked that you're only going to be approx 8 weeks pp. I think you'd be mad to do a long haul at this stage. Hopefully you have a lovely smooth labour and feel great but there's no guarantee and i wouldn't be putting myself under pressure for this. Could you send dh alone and line yourself up some support at home for help with new baby and ds? At 8 weeks pp I'd 100% be suiting myself but then I had a section with ds and was only getting back to myself at 6 weeks pp. I think you're asking a lot of yourself.

Why are you flying 16 hours with a newborn and toddler to a wedding that you cannot actually attend?