To ask for a seat for my 3 years old at the wedding?

[YesterdayandBoris]

My husband and I are travelling long distance for his brothers wedding - 16+ hour flight. We will have two children (currently waiting the arrival of our second) they will be 2 months and 3 years at the time of the wedding.

My BIL keeps suggesting the wedding is ‘no children’, which we understand we also didn’t have children at our wedding but we’re travelling half way across the world!

We have just RSVP’d and our son doesn’t have a space at the meal. I quote “they thought all the children would go upstairs to the bridal suite” - my son is 3 in a foreign country there is no way I’m sending him upstairs with some random family friend of the brides I don’t know.

AIBU to say no he needs to be at the meal?

• *It’s a very late wedding getting married at 6pm, and so the meal starts at 7pm so I’m going to have to leave at some point with the children anyway to take them to bed.

FWIW my husband agrees but is trying to be diplomatic because we also didn’t want children at our wedding so can see their point. But at our wedding we didn’t have any nieces or nephews at the time so it was just friends children that were not invited. Which I think is completely different, plus those people had childcare options we are in a different country.

You wanted a child free wedding, but of course this is different, you say.

It's different because you now have a child!

Stop being so precious and if necessary, just don't go; it's not as if they'll miss you.

In fairness, not many 3 year olds can sit through a long formal meal without being disruptive.

I had a emergency c section and I was still cleared to travel by plane ( 6 hours ) 2 weeks after . It’s was actually but hard at all and the baby was asleep or feeding the whole time . By 8 weeks after most people will be absolutely fine .

In terms of the meal

Your 3yo would likely hate it
You'd likely hate it as you'd be trying to keep a baby and an overtired 3yo quiet
Bride and groom have indicated they don't want it?

Who is actually winning here if your 3yo attends. It sounds like it would be miserable for everyone tbh.

Much better for him to be cuddled up on a giant bed/cushions watching frozen or something and drifting off to sleep if tired.

Edited to add: I flew 6w after my section, no problems at all. (I could have done it from a few days tbh but wanted to get my 6w check out of the way first).

I sat on a table with a friend at a wedding who had a 3 year old. Her and her husband had about 30 minutes of their son colouring in at the table and being fine. They spent the rest of the meal tag teaming taking him outside, and taking turns eating something. It did not look like fun for anyone.

16 hour flight with a newborn and a preschooler?? For a wedding that they've only been invited to parts of, rather than the whole thing?? I think you're foolish for even going under those circumstances.

I would not worry about the flight. The world seems divided up into those who will only venture a few miles from home with an 8 week baby, and those who will happily travel many miles. I know plenty of people who have flown with babies this old. It can be easier than flying with toddlers.

Some people probably have "easier" babies than others.
we also don't know where this wedding is taking place.

An 8 week old baby can get RSV. At 8 weeks postpartum my birth wounds hadn't healed. At 8 weeks DD was only sleeping in 2 hour stretches. At 8 weeks I had blocked ducts that were immensely painful.

Being in an airport, plane and wedding with an 8 week old could be really horrendous. Can you even get travel insurance for a baby that young?

I would not have a childfree wedding. But this is their wedding. Decline or have dh go alone. It will cause so many problems particularly as you had a childfree wedding. They may break down and allow you to bring the children but at what cost to the relationship? Not having children in your family at the time of your own wedding is not a good argument and will cause resentment.

Sorry I clicked you were unreasonable because this information wasn't given at the start. Definitely NOT unreasonable your child isn't a prop- either there are no children or there is, of which they should be catered for.

Hey OP, we also had a destination wedding (Barbados) so guests made a holiday out of the trip. We said no children at the reception but specified that we'd hired a babysitting creche service who would be on the upstairs floor of the restaurant entertaining the children. A few of the mums contacted the creche beforehand to check credentials/details etc so I'd do this to put your mind at ease. As other posters have said, handling a newborn and a 3 year old for a sit down meal is no fun - consider yourself lucky that there's someone else to look after the 3 year old. You'll have your hands full.

Let's put the shoe on the other foot. You specified 'no children' at your own wedding. Did you provide a free babysitting service at the venue?

How would you have handled your own request, had someone asked you?

Changed my vote. YANBU if he's in the wedding.

It's also fine if you don't go. They can't put unreasonable demands on you and then be upset if you decline.

This! My wedding was pretty much child free, but think it is different when in comes to family who wouldn't be able to leave their kids with anyone and this is even worse as they want him for the pics! Their choice as it's their wedding but I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

How many 3 year olds would be able to manage such a long day before getting moody?

The child would have to get used to the time difference, have to be at the wedding before the guests, do their thing, sit through vows, off to the reception, sit again through meals and speeches, etc.

OP admits herself she didn’t consider parents at her own wedding, however the B&G here have made some accommodation yet she is annoyed because she thinks he should be at the reception as well instead of in the bridal suite where likely there will be kid-friendly foods, toys, and children’s movies. I understand she doesn’t feel comfortable and I wouldn’t either, but I am surprised she didn’t ask any questions before accepting the child being ring bearer and rsvping knowing the wedding was long distance and her own status.

This. You should’ve declined the invite.

It is a no children event, so you can't attend. The amount of people that did this to me when I got married was unbelievable. I just got back and said 'No problem, sorry you can't make it.'

This

Childless weddings are ridiculous as are weddings in a country where the bride and groom don’t reside. Wedding is far too late for a 3 year old anyway. You should just look after the kids and let DH go if it’s his family.

I'd be very concerned about the passport situation plus the whole thing sounds like a recipe for disaster anyway. Surely you're not going to want to do 16+ hours of travel when you've only given birth a few weeks before. What if you're overdue? It sounds horrendous.

Plus surely the 3 year old goes to bed at about 7.30pm anyway?

My BF had a child free wedding and I had a four week old baby. I assumed she didn't mean that I couldn't bring the baby. He was literally four weeks old (in fact a couple of days less than 4 weeks old) and I was breastfeeding.

Turns out she did expect me to go to her whole weekend wedding five hours away and to leave the baby. I tried to explain. She wouldn't budge so I didn't go to the wedding. She then didn't speak to me for three years.

I'd double check what they think you're doing with the baby..

I would really check what they expect you to do about the 8 week old, don't assume they are OK with them too.

Also, I understand longhaul travel can be fine, I live abroad myself and I am planning on going home to the UK when my baby is 18 weeks which is a 12 hr flight for us plus travel. I think 8 weeks is cutting it fine personally.

@inkblackheart (just read the book) I don't understand why bridezillas get upset that an exclusively breastfed baby that is only a few weeks old can't be left for a weekend.

I also don't understand the hatred that these bridezillas have about having a tiny baby at their wedding.

Its clear your children are not invited so I dont understand how you've accepted the invite. You have 2 options. None of you go, or one of you goes (probably your husband) if it was me I wouldn't want to be doing a 16 hour flight with a newborn but I also wouldn't want to be staying at home holding down the fort because your brother inlaw has decided its a childfree wedding knowing you'd be abroad.