To tell her school that they can deal with it if they have an issue? Re uniform rules

[ThatAdeptFish]

dd is 16 and has recently gotten highlights in her natural brown hair so it’s more of a blonde now. She asked me to pay for her to have it done a while back, I said we didn’t have the money but she’s recently gotten a job and spent her first pay check on getting it done. I thought her natural hair looked nice but what she’s had done does look nice too. Doesn’t look natural as such, you can tell it’s been highlighted but it’s still a normal colour, it’s not like she’s dyed it pink or anything.

Anyway, school rules say only natural hair colours are allowed, I did tell her that before she had it done but she said that the school don’t care and other people have highlighted hair and no one says anything.

well I have had no less than 4 phone calls from the school about her hair in the past 2 weeks, saying that school rules don’t allow it and she’s refusing to dye it back so can I please talk to her and make sure she dyed it back.

I did talk to her in fairness, and she said that the school are just being ridiculous and she’s not dying it back after she spent money getting it done. School have said she will have detentions until it is dyed back. She’s in year 12 if that makes a difference, she said that they’re stricter with lower school but in sixth form they don’t really care too much, well at least that’s what she told me.

AIBU to tell the school that if they have a problem with her hair, they can give her detentions, use whatever sanctions they use, but to leave me out of it from now on? She’s 16, she has a job, I literally have no power to make her dye her hair back, she’s not a small child, and she can deal with the consequences if she doesn’t do what the school have asked, but realistically I don’t know what they want me to do about it? In every other way she’s great, she helps around the house, does her homework, goes to her job, and I really don’t consider her hair to be worth picking a fight with her over.

What a load of nonsense. I can understand the school not being too happy about pink/purple etc. but even then I do not see a problem. Having her hair highlighted so she has two normal hair colours in her head will not harm her or anyone else or interfere with anyone's learning.

I wonder how many staff have highlights; or use dyes to cover up their grey. Even if a staff member came in with pink hair, it is not doing any harm!

It really is utterly ridiculous. It seems amazing that a pupil can choose to be a different gender, but not their hair colour. Quite quite barmy!

When rules are petty, pointless and stupid, they deserve to be challenged. When rules are ambiguous, they can be legally ignored.

I am concerned about those posters on here who think raising kids to be mindlessly obedient is a good idea.

Well you being a teacher explains your posts however luckily some teachers on here don't share your view so you're obviously one of those teachers that gets off on a power trip inflicting misery on kids in a daily basis. Some rules make sense some rules are just to show authority such as the rule where you cant remove a blazer without asking never in all my working life have i had to ask an employerif i can take off mt jacket or cardigan. Teachers treat children with little respect and wonder why they receive none back
As parents we have the same rights to defend to the end our children's rights.
I expect my children to be polite and respectful and expect them to be treated the same way some teachers are pure bullies.

Normally with these things I am on the side of the school. You get those 'sad face' articles in the Sun or whatever with some yobby looking family carving a nike swoosh into a lads hair or a a school asking for black shoes and a family acting al indignant when the white trainers are deemed inappropriate. Then we all moan that teachers have no authority over the kids and they lack discipline.

But there are few things to note here.

1. The student is 16 and in year 12. She is old enough to decide to leave if she wants, get a job etc. To hold her to the same rules as a 12 year old is ridiculous and to expect adult behaviour at the same time? Its just stupid, stupid, stupid.
2. Its incredibly tame. If a school expects a traditional workplace standard of dress, fine. Blue hair, torn jeans, revealing outfits etc. I can understand, as per most office environments. But highlights? Is that really unprofessional or extreme?
3. But, she knew the rules, or had the chance to know the rules prior to her hair appointment. Its stupid and she shouldn't have to, but if she really objects to the rules so much, she has the option to leave and start her post 16 education somewhere else that better reflect her values. Its a bit like joining a golf club for example having read their dress code, then rocking up in a football kit and complaining that the dress code is unfair. Maybe it is, but you signed up to it!!!
4. Is it worth all that delay and disruption for the sake of towing the line for another year or so? Is this really the hill to choose to die on? If it is, then fair play to her, but she'll have to accept the consequences of her actions,

My personal feeling is what is done is done, and the best way to resolve this is to explain that it was previously dyed and further dye would make it even more against their stupid rules, even if that is a white lie. Explain that she won't be attending detentions and request that she is allowed to resume her education.

I have experience of schools who do not have a uniform. Amazingly their children do very well educationally.

Really? Should we slavishly follow utterly stupid rules or challenge them?

This is a stupid rule. The colour of someone's hair doesn't impact on their capacity to learn.

The only ‘view’ I have expressed is that I do not believe that teachers should be required to comply with school rules for children. I doubt you will find any teachers who disagree with that. How does it make me a bully?
You may be ignorant of the fact that the majority of ‘teachers’ have no control over school rules , they are, however, expected to implement them. This frequently leads to time being wasted which should be spent teaching your children.
If the OP feels unable to support tje school, maybe she should find an alternative for her child.

That last sentence is telling. Particularly the word 'child'. Only the OPs daughter isn't one, really, is she? She's 16 and in post-16 education, which would be her choice to leave at any point. She holds down a job. We shouldn't be discussing her as a child, but a young adult. Unfortunately, this young adult has chosen an institution that treats its nearly 19 year olds the same as their 11 year olds. She needs to decide whether the F-You the school deserves is worth the disruption to her education, if all other arguments and debates get her nowhere.

The school are being ridiculous but if she's happy to take the detentions that's fine. She absolutely should one have to changer her hair back if it's still a natural shade.

My DS's school is similar sadly. He is 18 years old and was given an hour long after school detention for wearing his coat over his blazer when it was -5 outside and not much warmer inside the building. I got an email reminding me to ensure he is in correct uniform. This week he got a detention for being 5 mins late for school when he had car trouble. I'm counting down the days until he has finished his A levels. I do think detentions in sixth form should be for serious behaviour issues or rudeness only.

My DD15 has hair that is obviously highlighted but her school hasn't said a word.

Those places are very much in the minority. And even in places that do control this, most people would be able to dye their hair to wear it as they wish in private and just wear it up/ covered in the workplace.

This really is awful. Schools rightly ask for parental co-operation, particularly for disciplinary issues, then act like this to a full grown man? Imagine if your office tried to force you to stay an hour late because your gear box packed up making you 5 minutes late, or because they failed to heat the building to the point that you had to wear an extra layer?

I despair at the attitude of some parents with schools, but ffs they aren't helping themselves.

If she’s broken the rules she needs to suck up the consequences and know (and the school knows) that you are comfortable with this.

if separately the rule is stupid, she needs to campaign to get it changed, but that’s a separate issue

Yeah school are being silly but I'm not surprised. When my younger brother was in 6th form he was told he wasn't allowed facial hair. The men in my family shave in the morning and have a beard again by the evening so my mum complained and school backed down.

I hate to be that person, but wouldn't this discriminate against certain religions?

Yes absolutely, although the school isn't in a very diverse area and my family is white so I'm not sure if they thought of that. I think the teacher just wanted him to look like a child rather than a grown man and claimed it wasn't school uniform from what I can remember. But yes, very problematic to start policing people's hair.

I can understand a school wanting 6th formers to look professional, and a lot of employers would expect men to shave, or have a well kept beard (I suppose they're supposed to grow it during time off?!?!?) but he really can't help a 5 o'clock shadow for goodness sakes!!!

I didn't call you a bully I said some teachers are bullies and they are my 8yr old had his worked ripped up in front of the whole class because she said he hadn't written enough he was embarrassed and distraught. Then my 12yr old was told he couldn't take his jumper off in class even though it was hot meanwhile the teacher is stood in a sleevless top. Rules are good but petty Rules cause uneccessary time effort trying to enforce them and just causes defiance and a stand off which distracts the class more than the initial incident itself. One teacher spent nearly 15mins of the lesson arguing with a girl to take her coat off. just carry on teaching she will take it off when she's ready it's not distracting the class what's distracting the class is the teacher stood arguing about it.

Why should 6th formers have to look 'professional ', whatever that is? If they're going to uni, they'll spend 3 years looking like everything under the sun. Afterwards they will adapt to their workplace requirements, because they aren't stupid. If they don't go to uni and go straight to work, see the afterwards clause above.

Why do British young people need a decade plus in uniform to 'prepare for the world of work'? Young people in many countries manage without it. I don't think British kids are more stupid than Dutch, German or Danish kids.

It really is. Our local secondary allows neat beards. So last week in town I saw a young man with a beard in school uniform, indicating he was not a 6th former. He was about 6 ft 2. It looked ridiculous, not smart. School uniform needs abolishing.

@pointythings I don't think its completely unreasonably to have some standards of dress, but that is something you and I obviously differ on. But I think we'd agree that OP's daughter's unfortunate position is at the extreme end of ridiculousness.

They are being ridiculous. It’s a bit of blond hair. She hasn’t got loads of facial piercings and a tattoo on her forehead. I can’t believe they are being so strict. What a waste of time and energy.

Based on encounters with various professionals such as GPs in recent years, the fact that they have had hair in colours such as purple/ rainbows has been no detriment to their knowledge, care and professionalism. Schools' current obsessions with making their pupils/ students dress like estate agents and second hand car salesmen is out of touch with professional life in a range of industries.

The rule is petty and serves no practical purpose. At 6th form level I would not be involving myself over such pathetic trivia and would not support the school in their idiocy.

Ridiculous, impratical, nit-picky rules over appearance do not aid learning; quite the reverse, they damage home/ school relationships, and waste learning time generating arguments. As a teacher, they distract from actual behaviour issues and learning. Some rules are needed for decency and health and safety; they matter.

@Everanewbie our local 6th form stipulates no bare shoulders, no crop tops, nothing ripped, no offensive language and all clothes to be clean. Beyond that, anything goes. Most turn up in jeans, T-shirts, flannels. There's some goth/emo types and some who dress 50s vintage. Hair comes in all colours of the rainbow. Results and behaviour are good and there's mutual respect between teachers and students. It works.

If you must have conformity in the younger years, a simple dress code would do. There's no need for all the blazers, ties and logos. I don't understand the British uniform worship at all.

Then she can cover hers too can't she.

Usually the hair dying rules at school are to stop bright pinks, blues and greens etc, not about dying hair full stop. It sounds like the school, or a teacher, have made an error with understanding their own rules tbh.
I would probably contact them one last time about it, stating the exact wording of the rule and say if they really do mean dying hair full stop is not allowed, then by her dying it back to her original colour, she is still breaking the rule.