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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her school that they can deal with it if they have an issue? Re uniform rules

423 replies

ThatAdeptFish · 03/03/2024 13:41

dd is 16 and has recently gotten highlights in her natural brown hair so it’s more of a blonde now. She asked me to pay for her to have it done a while back, I said we didn’t have the money but she’s recently gotten a job and spent her first pay check on getting it done. I thought her natural hair looked nice but what she’s had done does look nice too. Doesn’t look natural as such, you can tell it’s been highlighted but it’s still a normal colour, it’s not like she’s dyed it pink or anything.

Anyway, school rules say only natural hair colours are allowed, I did tell her that before she had it done but she said that the school don’t care and other people have highlighted hair and no one says anything.

well I have had no less than 4 phone calls from the school about her hair in the past 2 weeks, saying that school rules don’t allow it and she’s refusing to dye it back so can I please talk to her and make sure she dyed it back.

I did talk to her in fairness, and she said that the school are just being ridiculous and she’s not dying it back after she spent money getting it done. School have said she will have detentions until it is dyed back. She’s in year 12 if that makes a difference, she said that they’re stricter with lower school but in sixth form they don’t really care too much, well at least that’s what she told me.

AIBU to tell the school that if they have a problem with her hair, they can give her detentions, use whatever sanctions they use, but to leave me out of it from now on? She’s 16, she has a job, I literally have no power to make her dye her hair back, she’s not a small child, and she can deal with the consequences if she doesn’t do what the school have asked, but realistically I don’t know what they want me to do about it? In every other way she’s great, she helps around the house, does her homework, goes to her job, and I really don’t consider her hair to be worth picking a fight with her over.

OP posts:
AsIfIWish · 04/03/2024 14:55

Just another example of a school wasting precious time and energy on something that is completely inconsequential!

Drives me nuts.

Vinomummyinlockdown · 04/03/2024 14:57

Kazzybingbong · 04/03/2024 14:51

Yeah, they’ll tell you it’s to prepare them but it’s not, it’s a complete control method. I’m an ex teacher.

Show quote history

Exactly. Pure control and sheep-creating. If they question it, the pupil is classed as “defiant” and given yet another detention! My children are taught to be polite but question and converse in critical thinking manner, not purely lie down and accept a bunch of rubbish. I also reject detentions if I deem them illogical and not for the right reasons. I am the parent. If my child misbehaves fair enough - but if it’s some ridiculous thing such as them being very cold and being forced to remove a jacket despite being a good student, paying attention and not disrupting anyone then they will not be punished. Same with highlights… I mean this is crazy. Pure control as you say.

Isthisasgoodasitis · 04/03/2024 14:59

ThatAdeptFish · 03/03/2024 13:41

dd is 16 and has recently gotten highlights in her natural brown hair so it’s more of a blonde now. She asked me to pay for her to have it done a while back, I said we didn’t have the money but she’s recently gotten a job and spent her first pay check on getting it done. I thought her natural hair looked nice but what she’s had done does look nice too. Doesn’t look natural as such, you can tell it’s been highlighted but it’s still a normal colour, it’s not like she’s dyed it pink or anything.

Anyway, school rules say only natural hair colours are allowed, I did tell her that before she had it done but she said that the school don’t care and other people have highlighted hair and no one says anything.

well I have had no less than 4 phone calls from the school about her hair in the past 2 weeks, saying that school rules don’t allow it and she’s refusing to dye it back so can I please talk to her and make sure she dyed it back.

I did talk to her in fairness, and she said that the school are just being ridiculous and she’s not dying it back after she spent money getting it done. School have said she will have detentions until it is dyed back. She’s in year 12 if that makes a difference, she said that they’re stricter with lower school but in sixth form they don’t really care too much, well at least that’s what she told me.

AIBU to tell the school that if they have a problem with her hair, they can give her detentions, use whatever sanctions they use, but to leave me out of it from now on? She’s 16, she has a job, I literally have no power to make her dye her hair back, she’s not a small child, and she can deal with the consequences if she doesn’t do what the school have asked, but realistically I don’t know what they want me to do about it? In every other way she’s great, she helps around the house, does her homework, goes to her job, and I really don’t consider her hair to be worth picking a fight with her over.

Your child has a right to control her own body the school need reporting

Suffolker · 04/03/2024 14:59

I am naturally a very compliant person, particularly with school rules, but even I think this is completely ridiculous.

Eleganz · 04/03/2024 15:04

I think we do need to take a stand against these petty enforcement actions from schools and I am a big one for giving teachers the tools they need to get good behaviour.

I would definitely go by the book here and raise the specific wording of the uniform policy. If it does not prohibit dying of hair using natural colours then you can just ask them which of the colours in her highlights are unnatural.

montysma1 · 04/03/2024 15:12

I wonder how many of the staff are dyeing their greys!

I think they should be required to go natural as well!

Worldgonecrazy · 04/03/2024 15:45

My daughter goes to a school which doesn’t enforce hair colour rules. As a PP experienced, the kids grow out of it very quickly. It makes not a hot of difference to their education.

Thursday5pmisginoclock · 04/03/2024 15:49

she could always tie her hair in a rainbow headscarf and say she is promoting inclusion of diverse cultures and sexualities!

tbh those rules are also pretty vague. You don’t need a layer to argue that she has died her hair a colour that could be viewed as “natural”.

If that is how the school choose to spend their time then you also have to worry where their priorities lie. Surely there are more important issues?

Manthide · 04/03/2024 16:08

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 03/03/2024 13:55

Also I'm guessing she's shortly going to be doing her GCSEs? How ridiculous of them to be over focusing on this when she has much more pressing matters on her plate

She's in year 12 so she's done her gcses.

NotTonightDeidre · 04/03/2024 16:09

Haven't read everything, but YABU in stepping away from the situation. If I were you I'd be telling the school that her hair is a natural colour and to have a word with themselves.

Manthide · 04/03/2024 16:10

Dd3 is 16 in y11 and I don't think her school would mind if she had highlights. She goed to a private girls school and they like the girls to be able to express themselves.

beautifuldaytosavelives · 04/03/2024 16:14

I hate this level of pathetic, power mad, small stuff sweating. I worked in A levels in a college for decades and anything went hair and clothes wise. We turned out all kinds of decent young people and never wasted anyone’s time on highlights.

shearwater2 · 04/03/2024 16:18

Tell them politely to fuck off as it is a natural hair colour.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 04/03/2024 16:24

Suffolker · 04/03/2024 14:59

I am naturally a very compliant person, particularly with school rules, but even I think this is completely ridiculous.

Me too - this is pathetic

Dingdong90 · 04/03/2024 16:46

I honestly think the school are being completely ridiculous and I'd have my kids corner on this no matter what age they are. Hair colour in no way impacts their ability to learn and if it's just highlights then it's even more ridiculous that the school have made a fuss over it. I'd be telling them where to go ,I really would . My 8 year old uses hair chalks on the regular and goes to school with pink and blue streaks in her hair, I've even used wash out dyes to colour the ends of her hair for discos etc and it always takes a couple weeks to come out properly because her hairs so light. Never had a single complaint about it .

ilovebreadsauce · 04/03/2024 16:58

That is a natural colour fir a Caucasian, not a black or Asan girl though.What is her ethnicity?

cassy16 · 04/03/2024 16:59

ThatAdeptFish · 03/03/2024 13:41

dd is 16 and has recently gotten highlights in her natural brown hair so it’s more of a blonde now. She asked me to pay for her to have it done a while back, I said we didn’t have the money but she’s recently gotten a job and spent her first pay check on getting it done. I thought her natural hair looked nice but what she’s had done does look nice too. Doesn’t look natural as such, you can tell it’s been highlighted but it’s still a normal colour, it’s not like she’s dyed it pink or anything.

Anyway, school rules say only natural hair colours are allowed, I did tell her that before she had it done but she said that the school don’t care and other people have highlighted hair and no one says anything.

well I have had no less than 4 phone calls from the school about her hair in the past 2 weeks, saying that school rules don’t allow it and she’s refusing to dye it back so can I please talk to her and make sure she dyed it back.

I did talk to her in fairness, and she said that the school are just being ridiculous and she’s not dying it back after she spent money getting it done. School have said she will have detentions until it is dyed back. She’s in year 12 if that makes a difference, she said that they’re stricter with lower school but in sixth form they don’t really care too much, well at least that’s what she told me.

AIBU to tell the school that if they have a problem with her hair, they can give her detentions, use whatever sanctions they use, but to leave me out of it from now on? She’s 16, she has a job, I literally have no power to make her dye her hair back, she’s not a small child, and she can deal with the consequences if she doesn’t do what the school have asked, but realistically I don’t know what they want me to do about it? In every other way she’s great, she helps around the house, does her homework, goes to her job, and I really don’t consider her hair to be worth picking a fight with her over.

My daughter had her highlights with a lighter soft blonde at the front done a few years before that and they looked beautiful the school is extremely strict but the heights where fine it was those with two full blonde sections at the front and the rest of their hair dark, or suddenly went red or purpley brown, they where the ones who got in trouble, and they where younger, the fact she is in year 12 makes it ridiculous really I think she should keep it the way it is are they soft classy highlights?

bows101 · 04/03/2024 17:01

So no other teen in the school has any kind of dye? I find that very hard to believe! It is a teen thing to do start exploring with dyes. So I am now wondering why are they just picking on her for this?! Totally ridiculous!

Kittyloulou · 04/03/2024 17:23

Tell the school you’re going to report them to the LEA for singling out your daughter amongst all the others who have highlighted hair as this is a form of bullying. And also for wasting valuable time when they should be concentrating on teaching. I’d even threaten to report them to the local paper.

PaperBauble · 04/03/2024 17:30

You need to really commit to this OP. Contact the school and say that after 6 years of dying her hair brunette, she has decided to return to her natural blonde highlights. Tell them that she has been agonizing about this and her terrible secret for 6 years, but now out of deep respect for the school rules she’s decided to come clean.

Offer to do a joint assembly to the whole school about the issue and your daughter’s hair epiphany. Perhaps mock up a power point deck. Ask for an action plan and timeline to fit 6 years worth of detention into her remaining time there.

Elvis1956 · 04/03/2024 17:37

And do any of the teachers die their hair? Some of the more mature ones may well actually be grey but die "unnaturally"

Mayorhumdinger19 · 04/03/2024 17:38

slightly off topic but no wonder there’s so much school refusal…..they sound absolutely miserable places to be for students.

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 04/03/2024 17:44

I normally support school on rules but this is ridiculous and especially as your DD is in lower sixth. How I would have interpreted the rule is no pink, green or blue hair. A few blonde highlights is a natural colour. If the school mean no dyed hair then they need to state this and if this is the case then surely your DD would be breaking rules twice by re-dying her hair.

Mementomorissons · 04/03/2024 17:51

The school is being stupid and actually going out of it's way to create barriers to a student's education

FindingMeno · 04/03/2024 17:55

All the bs about getting ready for the workplace and presenting a professional image gets on my nerves too.
Not everyone goes into an office job or a job with uniform. If they do, they will have the incentive of being paid!