Husband went to friends house for dinner and didn't get back until 4am. Aibu to find this odd?

[JudyLemon]

DH has a friendship group of about 10, all male. Friends fiance loves to invite all of their friendship group over on a semi regular basis and cook for them. He has been twice before and came home around 11 each time.

Last night was one of these meals, she was making chimichangas apparently. He left for theirs at around 5 and got back at 4am this morning. He was a little drunk but seemed fine. We didn't really speak last night and obviously he's still asleep this morning. He doesn’t go out much and is great in all other ways so this really shouldn't bother me but I just feel really uncomfortable with how long he was there.

To be clear, I do not particularly like the fiance and this may be clouding my judgement. I find it quite desperate that she wants to invite a group of men over and cook for them. She's quite abit younger than me and DH and his friends so I guess I'm making a judgement on that too.

Aibu to be annoyed or should I try to not be grumpy with him when he wakes up?

@YabbaDabbaDooooo "as a guest, i’d feel really uncomfortable about that.

So would I.

It comes across as a bit false and performative."

Are you one of those people who says they "can't think of anything worse" than spending an evening in the company of women?

I find it quite desperate that she wants to invite a group of men over and cook for them

Maybe she loves cooking & doesn't get a chance to do a lot of new or different dishes so enjoys cooking for a large number

You sound really unpleasant calling her desperate.

Inviting all the partners would make it a completely different evening. Cant see what the problem is. Husband spends the evening with friends, instead of getting take away, hosts wife cooks.

I can't imagine anything more stifling than socialising just being "the lads" or "the girls" or "couples only. Seems so dated. Do single people only get to socialise with their own gender? Do you have no LGBT friends? It's not just that some people live like that, it's the insistence that anything outside that format is weird and incomprehensible.

Both DP and I had mixed groups of friends when we met. After a few years I was considered part of his friendship group and he's part of mine. Both of us have smaller social circles where I'm sometimes the only woman and he's sometimes the only man. Neither of us think it weird to host the other one's friends, hang out with them, become friends with them - as the women the OP is complaining about has obviously done. None of this is remotely noteworthy let alone weird.

Given that OP, at least, seems to have irrational disdain for her, I'm not surprised OP doesn't get invited.

Your prerogative. And I already accept it, thanks. But I think the term fits some of these responses - which miss the point of what is happening here by a country mile - pretty well tbh, so I stand by it.

Eh? How did you get that from me saying I'd feel uncomfortable sitting there with a group of female friends, while one of their husbands cooks for us, hides himself away and returns only to replenish our drinks?

I have a pretty good idea that an all male group that have known each other since school aren't going to see a women who invites them over and cooks food for them as part of their long standing all male friendship group. If she thinks that she is a bit desperate and pathetic.

This thread is just like secondary school, actually shocking. Basically: she's hanging with the boys, what a slag, deffo not a girl's girl like me 😂😂😂

I mean come on guys. Lots of us have raised an eyebrow at another woman at one point or another, but most of the time, it's a you problem. They haven't done anything wrong, and nor have feeling a certain way privately.

Maybe the op should host a couples event and get to know her? If she really is a bitch trying to have 11 affairs, then there you go.

This idea isn't really based on anything other than stereotypes though. How do you think people make friends as adults? Most social groups I've been in aren't impermeable cliques - they all expand to bring in new people, then they change depending on people's life stages, common interests, geographic locations... I've been brought into several existing social groups as an adult, and in turn I've introduced people to them as well.

We know nothing about what kind of people OP's husband's friends are or what their interests are. Maybe they sit around talking about sport, or politics, or playing card games - these are all things this fiancee might also be into. Presumably she likes her fiance and shares interests with him, so it stands to reason she'd probably get along with his friends too. Jumping to the assumption that she's some sort of pathetic submissive that they all merely tolerate says more about you tbh.

“My chimichangas bring all the boys to the yard 🎶”

Presumably the other eight wives/ partners were not invite due to their "irrational" dislike of her too.😂

I agree. Maybe she just feels she doesn’t have anything in common with the partners but enjoys cooking and doesn’t mind doing a ton of food for her DP and his friends. It sounds pretty informal, if partners came it would be a ‘sitting round the table making polite chat’ affair and maybe she just doesn’t fancy that.

If the men are so interesting, their partners probably will be too. If it says something about me that I don't really like women who think they are "not like other girls" and prefer the company of men then that is fine with me.

No, it says something about you that you assume she thinks she's "not like the other girls" etc simply because on this occasion she's cooking and socialising with men in her own house. "Not like the other girls" and "prefers the company of men" are your projections.

I don’t think they are @wombat15’s projections. Have you read all OP’s posts? Chimicgaga lady always hangs out with them whether or not she gets her chimichangas out ; and she has fallings out with her own mates. Not really my type.

I’m not sure what you mean by your post, it might make sense to sort your thoughts a little, what it is actually that this is about:

To find this “odd” as of its unusual? Well you answered it for yourself already, that it’s unusual for him. So no need to ask us about that.

Is it considered “odd” generally in society what you describe? I guess not really. But what does that even mean…

You post sounds a bit like you want to know: “Should I be worried”.
But it sounds like you are worried already, so the question is: what exactly are you worried about?

-That these kinds of late nights will be more frequent?
-That the fiancé is perhaps setting expectations in your husband’s head that you should be doing something similar?
-That the whole story isn’t true?
-That they were doing something that you would not approve of?
-…

Nor mine.

OR worried :
-that it’s a bit disrespectful to OP to go off until 4 am where a lady is flaunting her chimichangas to the guys without it occurring to her to throw a chimichanga invitation to the ladies and then comes home about 5 hours later than would be normal without alerting her and she is wondering if she’s being a bit of a mute walkover not to be annoyed.

This is getting bonkers. Flaunting her chiminchangas? She's just cooked dinner for people. Why would it be sexual/flirtatious?

Damn right they're better than yours.
I bet she could teach you,
But she'd have to charge...
Naa naa na na na

Newsflash he isn't going around for chimichangas

I think next Saturday OP you just breezily announce: “ Just off for a girl’s night! Might be VERY late back as it’s Jane’s DH hosting: he’s offered to have us round to get stuffed with his burrito.”

i'd find it abit odd not to be invited with a woman there. but that's just our social circle. wouldn't happen

😂

What would happen if it was one woman, would she turn into a pumpkin?!

That’s one way of putting it.