Husband went to friends house for dinner and didn't get back until 4am. Aibu to find this odd?

[JudyLemon]

DH has a friendship group of about 10, all male. Friends fiance loves to invite all of their friendship group over on a semi regular basis and cook for them. He has been twice before and came home around 11 each time.

Last night was one of these meals, she was making chimichangas apparently. He left for theirs at around 5 and got back at 4am this morning. He was a little drunk but seemed fine. We didn't really speak last night and obviously he's still asleep this morning. He doesn’t go out much and is great in all other ways so this really shouldn't bother me but I just feel really uncomfortable with how long he was there.

To be clear, I do not particularly like the fiance and this may be clouding my judgement. I find it quite desperate that she wants to invite a group of men over and cook for them. She's quite abit younger than me and DH and his friends so I guess I'm making a judgement on that too.

Aibu to be annoyed or should I try to not be grumpy with him when he wakes up?

When my do cooks for me and my friends he certainly isn't invited to hang out with us. Nor would he want to. For clarity, I do sometimes cook for him and his friends, and I don't want to hang out with them either- I'm not interested in square riggers. But they usually go to the pub.

@Iamthatperson very well said. Like you, I too was "that woman" who preferred men to women in my 20s, who would've behaved like the young lady in OP's story. I got a lot of male attention, which I loved, yet I wasn't so popular with women. I emotionally matured and grew out of it, realising that most men were only interested in me if they thought they had the chance of a shag (even if they were married or friends with my partners!) and I can now recognise it in other women. I'm not jealous of them as I've made peace with being largely invisible to men now I'm in my 50s, and it's been replaced with something far more valuable and lasting...good friendships with women.

My husband and his friends have a similar set up in that we all get on great but they are friends firstly.
It does tend to default to one persons house for catch ups but his dw doesn't cook or hang around. It's a lads night.

If she was cooking and serving then leaving them to it I would assume she either trying to please her partner, is bullied /dominated by her partner, prefers to keep an eye on her partner or likes the attention.

The fact that she stays is a bit of a weird dynamic , one women and ten men. No previous friendship with them (as I understand) if this was my husband and my friends I'd find it weird

This seems such a weird thing to get arsey about @JudyLemon .

It's a woman who likes to do a nice thing for her husband once in a while hosts a night for them. You say it wouldn't be a problem if it was the guy doing the organising, and you don't think there's anything untoward going on, so what exactly is the issue?

Once a month or so my DP goes out for a night out with her friends. I actually as taxi service. So I (usually) pick them all up and then I pick them all up from town at the end of the night and drop them all home. It's about an hour and a half round trip at the start and end of the night, and while sometimes it's 11pm, sometimes it's 2am or even 3am.

Is this something I do because I enjoy it? No, of course not, they're generally a bit pissed and dealing with drunkards when you're sober is rarely fun. But I do it anyway because I want my partner to have a good time, and her friends are more likely to come out and have a good time if they don't have to worry about driving or getting a taxi with a strange man at the end of the night.

There's nothing in it for me, other than the fact that it makes DP happy, and I'm sure that's also the case with your DHs friends wife.

Maybe she likes cooking? It would be hard to escape entirely without going out herself.

It doesn't sound like anything to be annoyed about. He didn't want to leave at 11 if all his mates were still there having fun?

So do you feel the same about sahms? If she likes cooking, why can’t she do that without being accused of some form of stereotype?

my friend is as arsey and feminist as it gets. She likes cooking. What you going to do, shoot her? She’d laugh in your face if you gave your view and tell you to jog on. She will do as she pleases.

Why though. Why this need to leave the men to their cigars as the little woman? She lives there for goodness sake. It’s a regular occurrence, I assume thy are now her friends too. Why does she need to hide herself?

I certainly don’t when my husbands friends come round. Why the fuck should I.

"The woman just sounds to me as she enjoys the camaraderie of old friends catching up and facilitating it with food."

@SheepAndSword she's only been with her fiance 1 year, and they're his friends not old friends of hers. Apparently she keeps falling out with her friends!

I don't understand why you are bothered.

It's not like she's organising a gang bang and sleeping with them all.

Why are you actually annoyed because I still don't understand?

I knew it was a men friendship group, not that it was a one year relationship and she falls out with her friends! In my defence I was up ill last night :)

Still can't see much problem with it, if she's a bit volatile she may irritate the friends anyway.

Honestly the amount of people on this thread asking 'Why would she want to?', is embarrassing.

I've never known such lack of imagination in what I assume are adults?

I hate skiiing with a passion, but I understand that others want to do it because human beings like different things.

@JJathome I wouldn't hide myself. If it wasn't convenient for me I'd ask them not to go ahead. But if your husband had nine mates coming round would you want to be in the group? Would you be there the whole time?

If I invite my (female) friends round I wouldn't expect dh to hide I'd assume he'd say hello, have a chat maybe even eat with us but I equally wouldn't expect him to pull up a chair and sit with us all night like he's part of the group.

CBA cooking for that many, I need some of her motivation

If they were my friends too, and I knew them, then yes, why wouldn’t I be, it would be my home too. I really don’t get the angst about a women being with men.

is it religious or cultural?

Yes. Her specifically inviting his friends personally. Not through her husband. Is a bit odd. But since it doesn't sound like she's going for a gang bang I wouldn't get too worked up. And if he's not totally shitfaces and incapable of functioning the next day then 4am isn't an issue. When I meet up my friends kn a weekend 2am is the norm.

Just because you don't to do that doesn't mean there is something wrong with those that do. You sound very intolerant of people living their lives differently to you OP.

Nothing wrong with the fiancee cooking for her partners friends if she wants too, I think it's lovely. My DH likes cooking and happily makes a big chilli if I have my female friends over, he's happy for me to be socialising and knows I don't enjoy cooking. He's not sniffing about trying to get brownie points / show up the other husbands / get in their knickers.

Your DH just had a nice time and got carried away chatting. I don't need cocaine to stay up till 4am on a rare occasion either...!!

Yes, most of our dinner parties and gatherings break up more like midnight but those brilliant spontainious evenings when everyone is merry and chatting and suddenly its 3am are great my opinion.

Perhaps they are disdainful about the actual choice rather than the fact that it is different.

@JJathome

I would imagine some religions yes definitely. In my case cultural I guess. I'm working class northern and there's definitely a "lads, lads, lads, lads, lads" and a "girls night" vibe round our way. It tends to be couples or separate, apart from things like works do's.

My husband and his friends (six in total) have all been friends since school. If one of the wives suddenly became part of their friendship group and only her it would definitely be seen as weird.

But why? Why disdainful against something that’s simply a different choice?

Where does that feeling come from? Distain because someone enjoys doing something you don’t want to do.

My DH would find this weird if I invited his friends over and cooked for them and was hanging out! Especially without inviting other women! Clearly she doesn’t have many of her own friends?! My DH wouldn’t let me do it! I can see why you find it weird!

They aren't being disdainful simply because it is a different choice though. It is the action they are disdainful of rather than the fact that it is different.

My first thoughts were the wives/gf’s aren’t invited because they wouldn’t approve of drugs, which makes sense with the late night. My ex used to do this at our old house, and whilst I certainly didn’t hang around with them and would go to the bedroom to watch a film (who wants to sit with a bunch of off their face people when you’re sober!) it seemed to always be at our place. (Yes I deffo should have had better boundaries, was very young at the time!)

My first thought is ten people are very different to hosting 20. I assume you host many more on the regular, but I host 11 regularly, but when it gets to 20 for me personally it’s a very different ballgame.

i also have no issue with what is effectively boys or girls nights, and don’t expect the people living in the house to leave.

drugs fortunately are not in my sphere really so I’d not have that as my first thought, I’m sad for you that that is your go to.

So what is it that’s disdainful about the choice?

Blimey. Am I weird? I don’t immediately need a nap after a few drinks and some food. As a younger person I often stayed up into the early hours just chatting and drinking/eating more. Doesn’t arise so much as an option these days, but do people nowadays really need to take drugs to achieve this?
I somehow doubt it…