To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

@the7Vabo it doesn't matter what you did, the OP stated prior to travelling thousands of miles she's not doing it!

Your decisions are yours, you may trust your sister to "vet" the babysitter, OP clearly doesn't.

She's got a few days to bottle train her baby, she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to be engorged or express.

She had made that all clear before travelling, would you honestly accept arriving and all your previous decisions and confirmation of what would happen be totally ignored? Just to show "respect" to your husband?

Sorry, but I think that's awful, I would know my husband would be saying the same thing, we made this clear before we travelled, you're very controlling and ignorant to think we've changed your mind.

We've changed our mind

@Blackhorse32 you're right in fairness there is no point in arguing. We're all very different people and parents, it just really bothered me reading some of this nonsense because it feels very much like anti-women, victim blaming. Some people have unfairly blasted the OP for being a good mum, who has shown strength and been up front in not wanting to leave her baby and also to feed her as she has chosen, to lie to get her to travel and then do what they did was premeditated and nasty. I guess, I just hope that new mums or those in difficult relationships don't read these responses and think they should accept being manipulated and dictated to (when uncomfortable with it) to keep the peace and their other half comfortable. If your OH loves and respects you they won't tolerate this sort of behaviour towards you or your child. I love my in laws and we treat each other with kindness and respect, it's a two way street is all I wanted to put across.

100% this!

The OP is doing a great job and deserves respect.

Stay, dont go to the wedding, have your family holiday and then cut full contact.

She said no to leaving her daughter behind and travelling to the wedding - which is originally what SiL wanted. SiL then told her that she had changed her mind and, as her niece, the baby was welcome. It was only after OP made the journey to Oz that she was told the wedding is still child free and a neighbour - complete stranger to OP - had been opted in to babysit. So the two options OP has are to leave her baby with a stranger and try to get her used to a bottle when she’s normally breast fed, or sit the wedding out to be with her child - which she could have done in the UK without all the added expense. Now in what world is that not a trick ?

Yes and the neighbour clearly SHOULD be at the wedding because you would only countenance leaving someone else's baby with a very very close friend...

Some of the women on this thread need to give their heads a wobble. You should be supporting other women, not tearing them down at every available opportunity.

Absolutely do that - take another woman's son and brother (and his child) away from them because of a silly row over a wedding that could, if people were prepared to be reasonable and get a sense of proportion be put behind them.

OP had been reasonable from the very beginning. Did everything a reasonable person would do in her situation yet she’s unreasonable to be angry with someone who lied to her, disrespected her, and with people who don’t even really like her much that seem to be supporting this person despite the problem they caused because they couldn’t accept OP’s situation after they specifically told her it was fine.

It never ceases to amaze me that the person wronged usually has to be the bigger person and accept such things to make situations less uncomfortable while the person who caused the issue in the first place can get away with it with little consequence and that’s acceptable.

All SIL has to do was keep her word or accept OP declining and find someone else. That was it, very simple. I bet if SIL had asked OP instead of having the audacity to tell OP, she would have received a completely different response and accepted OP’s answer, it wouldn’t have gone this far.

All SIL probably has to do is apologise, say she was wrong, and allow OP to bring her daughter as promised and I bet that would smooth things over.

@the7Vabo for what it's worth I don't think she should refuse to let her dd have a relationship with them but I don't think they sound too bothered about their daughter, they live thousands of miles away and initially didn't expect them to bring her over for the wedding and when they've done everything they could to exclude her when she's got there-that would have devastated my husband as our kids mean everything to him. The OP hasn't at all tried to stop her DH seeing them, she said she feels bad for the affect it'll have on his relationship with them but I'd say that ultimately this is their own doing.

OP has blocked them in spontaneous fashion because she's hurt/angry and she will likely calm down and no contact won't be necessary particularly as they live so far away. I think the point is, the in laws have behaved disgracefully and she deserves an apology and it would help some way to civilise things. She shouldn't just accept what they've done and not make a fuss because they're her in laws is all a I'm saying, she deserves a proper apology and assurance that it won't happen again if bridges are to be built. My husband would in all honesty be livid if they treated us that way and he'd never leave our babies with a random, I wouldn't even have to say it because he would've... But again he's been raised by a family who are so family orientated and they are obsessed with the grandkids in the nicest of ways. I know not all families are the same, relationships with your in laws are important but no one should get a pass if they treat you badly.

Maybe the op is strong enough to know she don't want a bar of them. Why do we have to let someone get as bad as they can be before we cut them off?

@the7Vabo the SIL is the one that needs to be reasonable! Sone mothers won't leave their child, OP had been honest before travelling!

The in laws are a fucking disgrace trying to overrule that choice.

We know you left yours, by choice. OPs choice was a firm NO!

Exactly.
She blocked them in the aftermath but an apology from them could go a long way. If they gave a genuine apology and she still insisted that they were not to have anything to do with her daughter until the daughter was old enough then maybe then people could say it was unreasonable, but when she wrote the thread there was no apology forthcoming.

If the in-laws don't attempt to apologise and they let the grandchild fly back to Australia without them even attempting to make amends then that really says an awful lot about them.

If they don't apologise and attempt to make amends and they end up not seeing their grandchild for years because they couldn't suck it up and attempt to make amends then again that says more about them and it's not the OPs fault.

God forbid that the SIL could apologise and try to make amends even though she's the one who caused the upset.

Nope, OP is expected to go back and smile sweetly and accept the kind offer and apologise for being irrational and probably provide the wedding entertainment where she sits and engages in self-flagellation about how silly and OTT she was in front of the entire family

A silly row? Her SIL wanted to abandon her kid with a stranger!! Do you know how dangerous that is. She willingly wanted to risk her nephew for her own gain!! Nah. Don't trust her with any kids.