To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

You just got a surprise two week holiday beholden to no-one!

Go do & eat lovely things with your tiny person till it's time to go home & then absolutely fuck off the in-laws - massive mass pricks that they are!

(DH sounds sweet though)

This is what i would do too

This is what i would do too

What a dramatic response......

@Maddy70 I think if I’d dragged my baby across the world and spent thousands based on being told a lie I might be pretty dramatic in my response.

Is the wedding local? At 8 months, you could just have the babysitter watch DD during the ceremony, then do another feed and nap and be fashionably late to the reception?

Your SIL was rude, but I think a compromise can be sorted other than going nuclear rude and saying “you can fuck right off” and ending up causing a family rift to become a chasm.

I agree that the blocking is way over dramatic. It’s a huge deal to stop DH’s parents seeing their grandchild during this visit, never mind until she is 18!

Can’t you talk and see if you can work out what the root of her concern is- noise? Offending other guests whose babies are not invited? Be the bigger person.

Exactly. If OP doesn’t want to talk to them again that is up to her, but to stop her daughter meeting them (obviously her DH taking her)? That is a bit far

Stay. Let FH attend the wedding solo. Make the most of the time left over there, knowing they have given you the best get out clause for any more visits. I would keep PIL at arms length for a while and I would avoid SIL from now on unless there is a massive apology.

Fuck them off , you’ve your own family now
dh can contact, see them etc when he wants
as long as he knows this , your fine

I would propose a compromise of you missing the wedding ceremony while your husband attends without you, but you and the baby join for the reception afterwards.

Flying home is just cutting off your nose to spite your face. And all of the nonsense blocking and refusing access to the child just makes you seem childish and silly.

You don't want to spend time away from your baby - that's fine, SIL does not want a baby at her wedding - that's also fine. Be annoyed, but move on from it. Don't let your seemingly irrational dislike of your husband's entire family prevent your daughter from having a relationship with her grandparents, she is your husband's daughter too, he must want her to have a relationship with them.

I think you're being a bit harsh here @catscalledbeanz , OP has paid to fly all the way to Australia to attend a wedding shed been told she could bring her baby to. Baby has now been uninvited, which essentially means OP herself has been uninvited (the neighbour thing is ridiculous, SIL should have proposed that before flights were booked to check OP was okay with it). I wouldn't speak to someone again if they were so blasé about my time and resources being wasted on a big trip for no good reason.

OP isn't a villain, she's standing her ground and well done to her! Her ILs are the only villains here.

OP, I agree with everyone saying option B. Yes, it probably feels like a wasted trip and you won't enjoy it as much as you would if your ILs hadn't mucked you about. But Soak in what is hopefully your last time in Australia, enjoy a family holiday and go home knowing that you've got a cast iron reason never to have to tolerate your ILs again

If I’d spent ££££ to go to a wedding in Australia, taking an 8 month old on a long haul flight, using up annual leave, having already had the whole ‘I can’t leave the baby’ conversation, only to be expected to hand my child off to a stranger for the wedding, I’d be pissy too.

I would rather be on holiday- yes I agree the family are awful! The sil delivered op upon false pretence. Yes. Op is hard done by. BUT despite that, op can stay back with the baby and not cause drama(which seems to be what they want) she has an out. Take it.

Truthfully I think you’ve slightly over reacted. To me it smacks of a well intended action by people who just don’t ‘get it’ or raised their kids very differently.
I think it might’ve been better to just give a tinkly laugh and say thanks for the thought but no of course I can’t leave dd with someone she doesn’t know. She’ll either have to be at the wedding with me like I thought was happening, or I’ll stay home and look after her.

F

Also I am not saying op is the villain - she's not. But the week of a wedding, when she's not going (because of their lies) - when you become the drama in a wedding- you make yourself the villain. She could just bow out apologise and in future keep an easy distance- there's no need for drama now, when the wedding is upon them.

Go out and have a nice day with your child instead. Don’t cause additional drama and your child is also your DH’s child therefore if he wants his family to see his child then that’s his right and unfortunately you can’t take that away from him, blocking access to the child until 18 years of age is absolutely ridiculous and makes you look like an idiot.

Just enjoy the rest of your holiday.

I would go option B.

For those saying the OP is overreacting, she did say in her first post that the in-laws don’t like her and then they think she is the bitch who took their son away. So not sure blocking them is dramatic.

As you’re there already I’d try to treat it as a holiday. You don’t have to spend time with your ILs. Enjoy the time with your DD.

@crumblingschools if she wants to block them fine, that’s her choice, but cutting them out of her child’s life over this is an over reaction

Yep, that's what I'd do too.

Smile and decline. Kill them with kindness. I wouldn’t have given them the satisfaction of reacting strongly but that’s done now, unblock them but ignore any future messages.

But please, make the most of your holiday and find something nice to do on the wedding day. Do not let this define your trip.

@Lurker6838 I had issue with MIL for awhile and had the whole you stole my son thing. I’m afraid I went with the if you can’t accept me and can’t be pleasant you don’t get to see the grandchild. We come as a package. I hadn’t done anything wrong apart from marrying her son. He had already moved away from his hometown years before I met him but somehow it was my fault he had moved away.

Once she calmed down and accepted her son was a grown up and had started his own family we get on and she has a lovely relationship with grandchildren. But if you are going to bad mouth the mother in front of grandchild then you don’t see the grandchild

@crumblingschools who said they badmouth her in front of her child though? That’s completely different to not getting along with your in laws. We don’t know the other side of the story and if they have any issues with OP that’s made them dislike her, we only have OP’s word and we all know this site is one for bashing the in laws. There’s plenty of people who don’t get along with the in laws but they still manage to have a good relationship with the child, this just sounds like they’ve pissed OP off (which I totally get because it would piss me off too big time if I was in her shoes) and she’s just trying to hit them where it hurts by taking away access to the child, it’s unnecessary.