To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

I agree with others - you need to diffuse this as you're behaving like a spoilt child, being very rude and give the bride and ILs huge stress on what is a massive emotional time for them. Suck it up, blame it on your jet lag, tired from travelling, and say you and DD will skip the ceremony so there's no noisy distractions but you'd love to come and celebrate afterwards. Go for an hour or 2, smile be nice, pass around your DD for cuddles and photos then go home to put her to bed.
If you want a happy life do not alienate your DHs family- he won't forget it and it will put a crack in your marriage that could get worse over time.
Life is difficult enough, don't create drama just be a grown up and be nice

Yes, and widening your vocabulary might help; learn some grown up language instead of offensive, hot headed, swearing.

@catscalledbeanz agree to disagree with you. If someone got me to travel to the other side of the world, use to annual leave and spend that much money without telling me they expected me to dump my child with a complete stranger-they are the problem and they have caused their wedding week stress. Although I very much doubt they're stressed they got her DH back without his wife and child. My DH wouldn't have even entertained going to that wedding after that and for the record I have an excellent relationship with dh's side as does he but he also has strong morals and appropriate boundaries because he was raised by good people. Plus his parents and sister wouldn't let our kids out of their sight if they barely saw them even more so, let alone leave them with a neighbour.... 🤯

B!!

They are behaving very badly, and so are you.

A calm, "there has been a miscommunication somewhere, the arrangement was dd is going to the wedding, she will not be going to a complete stranger for the day" and let dh and his family find a solution would have been more appropriate.

You wading in with swearing like a fishwife, blocking everyone and threatening never to see them again is very OTT and really not needed. Why would you put your dh in this position unnecessarily? The situation needs diffusing, while keeping your boundaries, not inflaming.

I feel sorry for your dh that he is stuck between two equally unreasonable sides cruelly trying to play top trumps with him.

Yeah, I mean she shouldn’t make a fuss about poor treatment of her and her baby should she?

Option D, your SIL grows up and realises it’s ok to have a breastfed baby at a wedding.

“My god what an over reaction! Particularly in the week of a wedding. Why are you making it about you? Agree to disagree, say you can't attend without dd and graciously bow out. DONT MAKE A SCENE FGS! There's no need. They live literally on the other side of the world so this won't crop up often. Very time your invited claim prior commitment or poverty- when people live in Australia it's fucking easy to avoid them without the need for confrontation! Why on earth make such a drama?!?! You are making a villain of yourself!“

I agree with this. Why did you reply with “you can fuck right off”? That’s so aggressive and unnecessary. They probably thought that they had found a reasonable solution to the issue. It’s an inadequate one and they should be letting your niece go to the wedding but your response is so inflammatory. Is that how you speak to everyone you disagree with?

@Sako81 - but why make a fuss in such aggressive terms? It’s possible to disagree with people and stand your ground without turning it into a battle. If OP was on here reporting that her husband didn’t get on with any of her relatives and did things like tell them to fuck off, blocked them and said her relatives would have no access to their shared child, people would regard OP’s husband as behaving very abusively. It’s not okay just because OP’s a woman. OP sounds quite tricky to deal with and convinced of her rightness. She repeated her words as if telling someone to fuck right off was something to be admired. DH already lives 12,000 miles away from his family. Why behave in ways calculated to cause alienation?

@Dery Telling someone they can f right off is not as bad as lying to someone to get them to spend thousands of pounds and their annual leave to fly half way across the world and then tell them they've arranged childcare for them with strangers and if she doesn't accept she's had a wasted trip. Can you not empathise that in this situation someone would feel hurt and angry and it would evoke a strong response. Narcissistic people manipulate situations and gaslight their victim into looking like the unreasonable one. My brother and SIL BIL would never treat anyone this way but my DH would not be concerned for having a relationship with them if they were this vile. How lucky we are that our siblings and parents are wonderful and moral. They'd never ever suggest our young baby is looked after by a stranger in a foreign country. .... What an absolute disgrace.

Go with B. Don’t go to the wedding and just try to enjoy the rest of the time there for your husband’s sake.

Bottles of milk ( baby wont get harmed from occaisional formulae.)

From experience, a breastfed baby can become constipated and/or vomit up formula if they have never had it or haven’t had it in a long time. Formula and breastmilk are not the same whatsoever despite people thinking it is and baby is old enough to refuse it if they don’t like the taste. That’s a lot of faff to attend a wedding for someone who could have chosen someone else to be bridesmaid or keep with what they agreed instead of trying to push a mother to leave her baby.

Doesn’t matter if SIL doesn’t understand it. OP told her from the beginning.

Option b
who does sil think she is ? Surely she knew you were coming as agreed with dd. Completely unacceptable to force this neighbour upon you to babysit. No chance.
enjoy your hol x

I feel sorry for your husband really! You seem very dismissive of his family and it must be very difficult for him. However I have voted that YANBU because I wouldn't leave my baby with a stranger either and it’s a ridiculous idea from SIL. I would just do option B.

What in the actual F!!!!!

absolutely do NOT leave your child with a stranger! Mine are 5,3 and almost 2 and there is no way in hell I’d leave any of them with anyone other than grandparents (who they see regularly) and even then it’s for mere hours, would never be 2 weeks!!

I cannot believe any family would say no to relatives - her niece!! Being at the wedding. They are the problem, not you. Absolutely do B or C.

im utterly gobsmacked

I'm happy to agree with everyone who's said OP should have responded coolly and firmly without any cussing, but can't condemn her for coming out with an extremely blunt reply on the spot. I'd be bloody proud of myself if I managed not to cuss in that situation. The main triggers would be (more or less in order) my child being disposed of so cavalierly, the perception of being deliberately deceived/disrespected/set up, and being too tired and cranky after the (long, expensive, unnecessary) journey to hold it in. Like when you drop a hammer on your foot or stand up under an open cupboard door, swearing doesn't help at all, but you do it anyway because... well, you just do. Or maybe you personally don't, but many do. Even shouting "OW!" doesn't help either, for that matter. So you shouldn't make any noise, really, just assess the damage and go forward calmly and practically. Yeah, sure, that's the way it works.

As for the comments that OP should not have caused stress to SIL at this special time, one's own baby's needs and comfort should be far more important than ensuring a bride-to-be has a stress-free pre-wedding week. If a mother isn't putting the baby first she's not parenting properly, and if a bride isn't stressed during wedding preparation she probably isn't doing that properly either!

I think it sounds like maybe the sil doesn't have kids and the pil maybe just parented in a different way. Leaving an 8 month old for less than 24 hours is often quite doable even when breastfed compared to when they're a couple of months old. I breastfed both my kids to 2 years but by 8 months they could drink from an open cup that they could have other liquids from and they have started weaning and so going without milk in the daytime for one day or having formula is usually fine because they make up for it when you're back together and in the meantime have access to other food and drink. Possible that they just assumed this was the norm . Lots of babies are going to nursery around this age and so they may just not have realised it would be a problem.

Especially as OPs original post mentions how she explained the baby couldn't be left for 2 weeks and her parents were elderly it sounds like they maybe thought the compromise was to bring baby on the trip with them and there's been some confusion about whether it meant bring her as in on the trip and bring her as in the wedding.

B

I was at a wedding with my toddler and I was 5 months pregnant at the time. When it came to the dinner I was expected to leave my son in another room with a babysitter who i had never met. So I thanked the brides family and left.

I do think you've been blindsided and maybe if your SIL one day has kids she might understand how hard it is to leave your kids.

Go create some precious memories with DD! And let your hubby go to wedding 😊

Just enjoy your holiday and stay far away from them! His parents knew what she had planned I’m sure, disgusting behaviour. And if your husband had any backbone at all he would do the same!

Same here, simple enough.

DH’s family will be better off without OP who sounds like a barking mad prima donna.

They should have told you of their plans to leave baby with sitter, so you would have had the choice to travel or not. You are there now, enjoy ... and no wedding for you.

Hilarious that people think you're wrong because you used the word fuck.

You're completely in the right, they've obviously planned this from the start to get their own way and control the situation.

I wouldn't go. Agree with the people who say do something fun with your DD.

So you tell your in laws to fuck off then?

I’m not anti the odd F-bomb but jeez.

If the situation warrants it, absolutely. My in-laws are Daily Mail reading racists who disinherited their son because I'm mixed race though.