To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

I'm not getting the ' wasted trip half way round the world' thing either; it's nothing of the sort.

I'm not sure it's unreasonable for the OP and her baby to make the trip, even if they were NEVER going to the wedding.

It's not a wasted trip, it was an opportunity for the family to see the baby in person...and dare I say it, for the OP to build some bridges that have been created which , if I'm generous, sounds like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

OP didn’t just say fuck. She’s blocked her in-laws and said they won’t have access to their niece/granddaughter until she’s old enough to decide for herself. Apparently all because her SIL (who had asked her to be a bridesmaid, apparently as an olive branch) suggested that she leave her daughter with a babysitter during the wedding. Yes, SIL should have accepted that OP could only be at the wedding if LO was also there but the initial discussion appeared to be that OP couldn’t leave her LO for 2 weeks. Now that was a patently ridiculous suggestion but if SIL has no DCs, she may not have seen the difficulty in proposing a babysitter to cover the wedding. As PPs have said, many 8 month olds are at nursery or left with non-breastfeeding caregivers for several hours a day. It seems very unlikely that this was done out of spite.

SIL’s proposal was all a bit daft but OP’s reaction seems massively disproportionate, hostile and unnecessary. Her reaction strongly suggests that she has contributed to the difficulties between herself and her in-laws.

If OP was reporting this kind of behaviour by her DH to her family - especially if she was already living so far away from her family and cut off from them - I don’t think people would say her DH was in the right.

What?! They have tricked her into travelling to the other side of the world under false pretences and are now trying to pressure her into leaving her baby with a stranger. Why do people think that getting married is now an excuse to be any level of selfish and treat your friends and family this badly? It's not.

Op told a bride to fuck off the week before brides wedding. Op blocked bride and brides parents (who had done nothing except me related ro bride) and told them that they would never see ops daughter again. Op sounds like a nightmare.

Surely after what happened, you would just be irritated at the bride. The bride didn't kill anyone. She suggested childcare as that was her preference. Many people do not want babies at the wedding. This wasn't the ops preference. They had a difference of opinion. I would have been annoyed, but I wouldn't block all of my inlaws and keep my child from them forever more..that's ridiculous

I wouldn't like to be in that family.

B.
but not way you've gone about it upsetting everyone. There's such a thing as tact

Both the the bridezilla and the OP have behaved equally as badly as each other IMO.

Yes they've tricked her. Yes that's awful and bloody expensive and disrespectful in the most. They are shits. But op presented three options- the best is B, and at a push c.

Blocking them, refusing any contact with their niece (whom they flew to see at Christmas) ever ever again and doing all this the week before the wedding? Sorry but imo that's nuts. Two wrongs don't make a right. As they are already there and dh is to attend the wedding, there's no point piling on animosities . As I said it's a lesson learnt- you don't ever have to see them again really and certainly not travel to them. But as they live half a world away this isn't something that needs this level of drama. Just "right they are awful and have no boundaries. In future we'll keep our distance". If it had to be communicated that you hate them and never ever want to speak to them again over this (although I maintain that's a nuclear option that's not in the best interest of dh who probably still loves his admittedly shitty family) it could have waited until you were all home and the dust settled. The next invite could have been responded to with "sorry we don't feel truely welcome nor are we eager to spend any more time with you considering your disregard of our feelings and consequent manipulation when we came in March"

I'm not saying op is wrong to be furious, but she's thrown a tantrum that forever more will be remembered as having ruined or hampered dh sisters wedding. Whether or not it was sisters manipulation that really caused the upset- within the family that's not how it will be remembered. She could have learned the lesson and bowed out gracefully. The drama serves no one and nothing imo.

Stay for the holiday and don’t go to the wedding.

I'd go with B but you don't need to block everyone and make a fuss. People without young children often are simply clueless not intentionally being cruel.

The sister in law sounds very self-centred though so I can see why you don't like her.

This is brilliant.

OP isn't being dramatic. No one in their right minds would consider that a mother would hand her baby to a stranger whether they have dcs themselves or not.
The whole thing is shitty.

Op is dramatic.

And she has cut us off and blocked us too as she hasn't come back!

She's on a flight home, so any update.

Posted too soon....

Any update will be delayed!

She may be trying to work things out or is on a flight. She doesn’t owe people an update just because people want it.

I sometimes think that there is nothing as dangerous as a woman with a toddler.

The woman at that stage seems to think that the whole world revolves around her toddler, and that everyone is thinking about her toddler as much as she is.

Nobody else is thinking about your child as much as you are.

In my experience, many women with toddlers often seem to think you are out to hurt/disrespect their toddler. And these women also get extremely aggravated at extremely minor things.

They sew these perceived slights to their toddlers and they react in an extreme way.

I used to get along really well with a cousin of mine. We lived in different countries but we were the same age, and we were close, and I went over three times a year to see her.

We always got on extremely well. Then she had a baby. Suddenly I couldn't do anything right. If I was slightly late to meet her, I was disrespecting her toddler.

If I did something very minor, she would be nasty to me, because I was disrespecting her toddler.

Then we fell out altogether. Over what I still see as something minor. I could probably start a new albu thread on this. I still think it wasn't fair.

My cousin moved to a new flat. She asked me to stay in her flat overnight. Which was berysmall. There wasn't a bed for me so she asked me to sleep on her couch. She slept in one bedroom and amd her toddler in another bedroom .

I woke up at 8.30 . She screamed at me that I had disrespected her and her toddler because she had been up at 6am with the toddler and I had slept in till 8.30.

I was baffled at this. She had asked me to stay there. She hadn't given me a bed , she asked me to sleep on her couch. Them she was annoyed that she couldn't get into her living room at 6am. She hadn't said to me could I please set my alarm to get up early. I would have. I'm not going to naturally wake up at 6.

She screamed at me about that. Then later she sent me a message saying "I can't forgive you. You made me shout in front of my child. And that I can't forgive or forget"

And we never spoke again.

If somebody lied to get me to fly half way around the world and then just casually announced that I would be expected to hand my baby over to complete strangers when I’d already made myself quite clear then being told to fuck right off would be polite in comparison. She was tricked.

Being told to fuck off a week before her wedding.

how will she recover from the trauma?

Just say that there’s been a misunderstanding, you can’t possibly leave the baby and don’t go to the wedding.

There’s no real need to get aggravated. It’s their wedding and their choice.

I think you are overreacting IMHO.

Maybe they just really wanted op and husband there?

As you can see on mumsnet, alot of brides suggest childcare options at weddings.

I don't think that they are personally out to hurt anyone

Everyone wants a childfree wedding.

No one wants to go to a childfree wedding.

Those would be my words as well!! Skip the wedding and do your own thing instead

I wouldn't like to be in that family.

@Kjones27 I agree and the DH is the person I feel sorry for. Imagine having a good relationship with your family, you then fall in love and get married…then it becomes clear that your wife and your parents/sister just don’t like each other-because it’s pretty obvious that they’ve never really got on, even before this wedding fiasco.

Add in the fact that you’re living 10,000-plus mile apart and that after this incident, all the onus will be on you to visit your parents, because they’re not likely to come to the UK again.

Poor bloke, he’s in a miserable position.

Honestly, I am not sure you have handled this situation well. For sure she was unreasonable to suggest a babysitter without clearing this for you, and I also would certainly not have left a baby/toddler with a random in these circumstances. However, telling her to fuck off and then saying that you will not speak to any family member was a massive escalation and it was unreasonable in my view.

The correct answer is D: apologise for swearing and overreacting, explain that you will not be able to leave your baby with a random and therefore it seems not be able to attend the wedding, but wish her all the best for her special day, and then facilitate/allow your husband to facilitate your daughter to spend time with her grandparents for the rest of the trip.

Have you actually read the OP ? Maybe a lot of brides do suggest childcare options. But very few dismiss the mothers’ reasons for not wanting to leave their child at home (because that was what they originally wanted her to do) and then trick them into coming to a wedding 12000 miles away with the promise that their child will be inlcuded, then expect them to hand the child over to a stranger who they’ve ‘arranged’ to babysit without even telling them. There’s no respect for the OP, and no feeling at all for an 8 month old baby who is exclusively breast fed and who they expect to take to a bottle in time for the wedding. That’s batshit behaviour. No wonder the OP doesn’t want to spend time with them if this is a typical indication of how they treat her.