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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to fly home with our DD?

816 replies

HomeWard93 · 02/03/2024 23:32

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

OP posts:
letthemalldoone · 05/03/2024 15:24

I think this is all very unfair on your poor husband who's now stuck like piggy in the middle between his birth family and the family he has created.

You have massively over-reacted. Sure, it's annoying. You could just have not gone to the wedding instead of making a whole drama out of it.

Blondebrunette1 · 05/03/2024 15:28

Teateaandmoretea · 05/03/2024 12:09

So you tell your in laws to fuck off then?

I’m not anti the odd F-bomb but jeez.

Show quote history

If they manipulated me into spending thousands of pounds to fly half way across the world and expected me to leave my baby with a stranger in a foreign country then YES! F* off is appropriate @Teateaandmoretea

Rosscameasdoody · 05/03/2024 15:32

letthemalldoone · 05/03/2024 15:24

I think this is all very unfair on your poor husband who's now stuck like piggy in the middle between his birth family and the family he has created.

You have massively over-reacted. Sure, it's annoying. You could just have not gone to the wedding instead of making a whole drama out of it.

I think the point is that the OP could have just not gone to the wedding and stayed in the UK, as per her original plan. She was gaslighted into the faff and expense of a trip to Australia, only to find when she got there, that not only was the child still not invited to the wedding, but that she was expected to leave her alone with a complete stranger so that SiL got what she wanted. I’d be mad as hell.

And her DH shouldn’t be stuck like a piggy in the middle. He should be furious at the way his birth family have treated his wife and child. Hopefully OP will calm down and realise that banishing her in laws from seeing their GD is a step too far. But ultimately if the GP were involved in this nasty piece of underhandedness they, and SiL have some explaining, and a lot of apologising to do. The least they can do is to allow OP to participate in the wedding as planned, with her baby on hand for feeding and care. No wonder the OP doesn’t want much to do with them if this is typical of their behaviour towards her.

Sako81 · 05/03/2024 15:36

Kjones27 · 05/03/2024 15:13

Maybe they just really wanted op and husband there?

As you can see on mumsnet, alot of brides suggest childcare options at weddings.

I don't think that they are personally out to hurt anyone

Show quote history

No they were out to deceive. That’s what they did. Are you suggesting that as long as you are lying to get your own way then lying is ok?

Kjones27 · 05/03/2024 15:40

Sako81 · 05/03/2024 15:36

No they were out to deceive. That’s what they did. Are you suggesting that as long as you are lying to get your own way then lying is ok?

Show quote history

No I mean we can't know for sure.

I think it may have been a miscommunication rather than lying. Maybe she meant to bring the baby to Australia with her , but not to the wedding.

A lot of wedding offer childcare options at the hotel. A babysitter in another room..

Maybe it was a misunderstanding. Or maybe the bride was being cheeky. They should ajve talked it out. Rather than blocking her I think

fleurneige · 05/03/2024 15:42

Kjones27 · 05/03/2024 15:13

Maybe they just really wanted op and husband there?

As you can see on mumsnet, alot of brides suggest childcare options at weddings.

I don't think that they are personally out to hurt anyone

Show quote history

Well, they should have told her the arrangements beforehand, surely. so she could make the choice. There is a possibility they told her DH, and he advised them to only tell here when thea got there, as he anticipated her reaction, In which case he will has to somehow sort it out, and it won't be easy, by the sound of it.

I would have gone to the wedding, spend time upstairs with babysitter and once happy all is well, go down to the wedding for short time for meal, and go back up to ensure all is well, and go back down, or not, depending.

An over-reaction by OP, but she was tricked, and that is not pleasant or fair.

Friedseasalt · 05/03/2024 15:43

I think option B is the best option. But really really shitty you are in this situ, surely DH is fuming?

Cherrysherbet · 05/03/2024 15:49

It’s ‘B’ from me…..and yes she fuck right off to the other side of fuckville.

phoenixrosehere · 05/03/2024 15:53

Kjones27 · 05/03/2024 14:40

I sometimes think that there is nothing as dangerous as a woman with a toddler.

The woman at that stage seems to think that the whole world revolves around her toddler, and that everyone is thinking about her toddler as much as she is.

Nobody else is thinking about your child as much as you are.

In my experience, many women with toddlers often seem to think you are out to hurt/disrespect their toddler. And these women also get extremely aggravated at extremely minor things.

They sew these perceived slights to their toddlers and they react in an extreme way.

I used to get along really well with a cousin of mine. We lived in different countries but we were the same age, and we were close, and I went over three times a year to see her.

We always got on extremely well. Then she had a baby. Suddenly I couldn't do anything right. If I was slightly late to meet her, I was disrespecting her toddler.

If I did something very minor, she would be nasty to me, because I was disrespecting her toddler.

Then we fell out altogether. Over what I still see as something minor. I could probably start a new albu thread on this. I still think it wasn't fair.

My cousin moved to a new flat. She asked me to stay in her flat overnight. Which was berysmall. There wasn't a bed for me so she asked me to sleep on her couch. She slept in one bedroom and amd her toddler in another bedroom .

I woke up at 8.30 . She screamed at me that I had disrespected her and her toddler because she had been up at 6am with the toddler and I had slept in till 8.30.

I was baffled at this. She had asked me to stay there. She hadn't given me a bed , she asked me to sleep on her couch. Them she was annoyed that she couldn't get into her living room at 6am. She hadn't said to me could I please set my alarm to get up early. I would have. I'm not going to naturally wake up at 6.

She screamed at me about that. Then later she sent me a message saying "I can't forgive you. You made me shout in front of my child. And that I can't forgive or forget"

And we never spoke again.

It is not the same thing. Why do you continue to compare experiences that have little to do with OP’s scenario and when you yourself have no firsthand experience of being a nursing mum or travelling with a baby?

As it has been said countless times, OP explained the issues to the bride beforehand. The bride had the choice to accept OP’s decline and find someone else to be bridesmaid or as she agreed, to allow her niece to come to wedding if she wanted OP to be bridesmaid.

The world doesn’t revolve around brides either. It is constantly said that invitations to weddings especially ones with long travel times are not a must. SIL had ample time to discuss the babysitter option with OP instead of deciding for herself with no experience that she knew better and all that was needed was a babysitter.

I have also been a childcare provider. I have watched children after only meeting the parents and kids the evening of and having only exchanged a few emails. Families that I have worked for refer me to friends looking for a babysitter. The parents are looking for someone to watch their children, they have consented, and talked to me even if they have never met me.

OP did not consent to SIL asking some random person she has never had a single conversation with to watch her baby. OP was not looking for a babysitter. She came for the wedding being told she could bring her baby to it so she can be bridesmaid for the bride.

OP may have not handled it well but the bride sure as heck showed that she thought she knew better than OP and/or didn’t take OP seriously about her own baby.

OP not being bridesmaid would not have ruined SIL’s wedding. Just SIL asking OP was a good enough olive branch and it would have went even further if she had listened to what OP was saying and kept her word. She chose not to and to add insult, trying to pressure OP to leave her daughter with a stranger and try to get her baby to take a bottle for a day when this should be the last thing OP should be dealing with.

You do realise that expressing can take awhile and that OP would have to buy a breast pump first or hand express, as well as bottles and possibly a bra to hold the pump in place. She would also have to express afterwards otherwise she would heighten her chances of suffering engorgement of the breasts which can be painful. The breasts don’t stop producing milk just because the baby is not nursing.

tkwal · 05/03/2024 16:05

I Voted that yabu for thinking about going home...putting you and baby through all that travel again so soon. Mind you I wouldn't be going to the wedding , stay and treat the rest of it as a family holiday

tanstaafl · 05/03/2024 16:22

For a first time poster, looks like OP is going to hit the magic 1000 post with only an OP and an update.

Well done OP!

DaftFlerken · 05/03/2024 16:22

I actually think OP is being quite unreasonable. You knew it was a child free wedding & your sister in law has made arrangements for someone to look after your baby so you can attend. She didn't really deserve the complete over reaction when you could have thanked her for the arrangement but politely declined.
DH could attend the wedding, you could enjoy the holiday & see family

muggart · 05/03/2024 16:23

You have effectively been disinvited from the wedding OP.
Your DH should decline to go.

GabriellaMontez · 05/03/2024 16:26

Your response sounds entirely appropriate in the circumstances.

They lied to get you out there, then sprung it on both of you. I'd be furious. Must have cost a fortune to get there. Not to mention the annual leave.

Dishonest and manipulative.

muggart · 05/03/2024 16:26

DaftFlerken · 05/03/2024 16:22

I actually think OP is being quite unreasonable. You knew it was a child free wedding & your sister in law has made arrangements for someone to look after your baby so you can attend. She didn't really deserve the complete over reaction when you could have thanked her for the arrangement but politely declined.
DH could attend the wedding, you could enjoy the holiday & see family

The SIL had said her niece could go, otherwise the OP wouldn't have spent thousands on the flight and done the godawful 25hr plane journey to Australia with a baby.

puzzledout · 05/03/2024 16:28

DaftFlerken · 05/03/2024 16:22

I actually think OP is being quite unreasonable. You knew it was a child free wedding & your sister in law has made arrangements for someone to look after your baby so you can attend. She didn't really deserve the complete over reaction when you could have thanked her for the arrangement but politely declined.
DH could attend the wedding, you could enjoy the holiday & see family

What about the facts:-

  1. The OP had already said she had to take her breastfed baby
  2. OP wasn't advised before she travelled, that SIL has decided that she wouldn't be taking her breastfed baby.
  3. The baby is breastfed and not used to a bottle.
  4. She's never met the random stranger.

So you'd had over your breastfed baby to a stranger and think that was a good thing to do? I find that fairly shocking TBH.

I certainly wouldn't be thanking SIL.

DaftFlerken · 05/03/2024 16:28

@ muggart ah sorry, must have missed where it said that

GabriellaMontez · 05/03/2024 16:28

DaftFlerken · 05/03/2024 16:22

I actually think OP is being quite unreasonable. You knew it was a child free wedding & your sister in law has made arrangements for someone to look after your baby so you can attend. She didn't really deserve the complete over reaction when you could have thanked her for the arrangement but politely declined.
DH could attend the wedding, you could enjoy the holiday & see family

Did you read the bit where the op explained she couldn't attend as she had a baby, and the sil agreed the baby would be welcomed?

puzzledout · 05/03/2024 16:31

DaftFlerken · 05/03/2024 16:28

@ muggart ah sorry, must have missed where it said that

Edited

🤦‍♀️

DaftFlerken · 05/03/2024 16:32

puzzledout · 05/03/2024 16:28

What about the facts:-

  1. The OP had already said she had to take her breastfed baby
  2. OP wasn't advised before she travelled, that SIL has decided that she wouldn't be taking her breastfed baby.
  3. The baby is breastfed and not used to a bottle.
  4. She's never met the random stranger.

So you'd had over your breastfed baby to a stranger and think that was a good thing to do? I find that fairly shocking TBH.

I certainly wouldn't be thanking SIL.

Show quote history

Did you read my comment before jumping in with your knickers all in a bunch?

"She didn't really deserve the complete over reaction when you could have thanked her for the arrangement but politely declined"

Stressedoutmammy · 05/03/2024 16:53

I think the BF part is irrelevant to be honest, my 9 year old wouldn't spend the day with a stranger and I wouldn't expect her to. SIL is out of order, I don't blame the knee jerk reaction to telling her where to go with her idea. BUT for the sake of husband and DD's future relationship, I would just let it slide, he knows his Sister is bat shit crazy bridzilla, she will probably have kids one day and realise that but as you don't have to deal with her on daily basis let DH go to wedding without you, have a nice holiday and forget about it. You never know your DD may want to go travelling in the future and it would be good to know she can hook up with family on the other side of the world!

puzzledout · 05/03/2024 17:05

@DaftFlerken you mean politely declined again?

I mean how many times does need to be told no?

Hopefully fuck off had now done the trick

Again, would you leave your breastfed baby in these circumstances?

RampantIvy · 05/03/2024 17:14

I sometimes think that there is nothing as dangerous as a woman with a toddler.

I sometimes think there is nothing as thoughtless as a bridezilla who, when being told that an exclusively breastfed baby can't be left with aged grandparents who are in their 80s for a fortnight, then decides to invite the baby, then uninvites the baby after the parents have spent £££ to fly half way around the world.

There is also nothing as dangerous as uninformed posters who know nothing about breastfeeding their own baby.

muggart · 05/03/2024 17:33

RampantIvy · 05/03/2024 13:43

Both the the bridezilla and the OP have behaved equally as badly as each other IMO.

No way! Have you any idea how expensive flights to Australia are?

I went in January with my DH and Dd (for a child free wedding, incidentally) and it cost us nearly €7k, plus the 25hr flight with a toddler was HARD, the jet lag with a toddler was awful, and it's used up all our holiday allowance.

The brides trick is unforgivable imo.

GabriellaMontez · 05/03/2024 18:47

I sometimes think that there is nothing as dangerous as a woman with a toddler
🤔

Do you really think this sometimes?