To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

Ignore the silly cow, just don't go to the wedding, don't allow it to cause an issue between you and your husband and just enjoy being in Australia with your baby girl x

I wouldn't go to the wedding, and I'd be furious. I voted YANBU to want to go home (but I'd actually opion B because it isnt worth credit card bills), but why does it mean your daughter shouldnt have any relationship at all with her grandparents?

I also have estranged in-laws abroad. We've been together 27 years and I've been estranged from them 12 years, though before that was rocky. It works. He can call, he can visit, now my kids are older teens they can visit if they choose but ONLY with my husband.
I don't regret my decisions one bit. After I stopped contact, he didn't see them for ten years because he just never got round to booking. They're now too old to travel.
Do what you need to do to keep your family safe and happy.

Dear OP,

would like to offer a solution.
Take a deep breath and look at it from the bride’s perspective. She is a young adult who I assume does not have experience of having a baby. She wants her fairytale wedding to be child free.

However, she has definitely done the wrong thing by luring you to the wedding on the basis that you can bring your baby, but now you’ve arrived, has presented you with a babysitter and you are entitled to feel upset by this.

Regardless, you should not have told her to “F off.” She has been naive to think she could have got away with this, but nevertheless you should not have sworn at her. I would suggest you apologise to her. I would then say very calmly that you would be happy to be a bridesmaid, but given that you are breastfeeding, you have to bring the baby with you. I would then allow the bride to decide whether she wants you there with the baby or not as you come as a package. I would remain calm and amicable. It’s not worth causing such angst for your husband as he will resent you, if not now, later, especially as you said in your second message that he loves his family.

You will be the bigger person in this, and whether you end up going to the wedding or not (which you have left for her to decide on), no one can fault you, as you have given her the option and apologised for swearing.

I would also hope that your husband would appreciate you apologising and giving his sister the choice of having you there with baby or not at all. Hopefully he can also let his sister know how much he would appreciate her, making an exception for her niece to attend the wedding, so that they can come as a whole family.

Good luck!

Stay, but don’t go to the wedding. Be annoyingly reasonable about it. Pleasant, but not bending.

I take it back - you are being unreasonable. There is no need for all the drama. Say you can’t go and just stick to that as a reasonable point to make. There isn’t any need for the swearing and blocking and implying the your baby will have to wait until she’s old enough to make a decision to see them. Just be polite and decline. Your poor DH having to deal with all of this drama when he is seeing his family.

Of course what they have asked is insane, but why the hostility? There’s no need.

Of course what they have asked is insane, but why the hostility? There’s no need.

Because if op does not point out their selfish behaviour she will get more of the same, forever more. You are minimising their bad behaviour.

Op was probably knackered, angry and feeling intimidated, she lashed out, understandably in the situation.

Op would probably never put up with this within her own family, why should she make allowances for her husbands.
I should imagine she won't stop her child seeing her grandparents and she will unblock them in time, personally I think the blocking is the safest bet at the moment until she gets back to the uk.

I really don't think op did anything to bring about this falling out.

You can't reason with insensitive and stupid.

@RainbowNinja77 why the hostility....

I think I’d just come home, it would leave such a bad taste in my mouth. She must be insane to think you’d leave your child with a stranger for any amount of time.

The point is that OP had already declined the first time, while she was in the UK. For the same reason - child free wedding. SiL then lied and told her he child would be welcome as her niece. OP arrives in Oz to find that baby still can’t come to the wedding, and that with no prior consultation they have arranged for a complete stranger to look after her. So after travelling 12000 miles at huge expense, nothing has changed. And you want OP to thank her ?

Right.

I’m confused by the number of posters who seemed to have missed OP literally stating that she declined when SIL asked her to be bridesmaid because of SIL’s childfree wedding and that SIL wasn’t happy to have OP’s baby there but said baby could come so that OP could be bridesmaid.

@phoenixrosehere a lot of posters on mumsnet seem to struggle with reading comprehension.

I think the OP has been shabbily treated, and I don't blame her for feeling blindsided, but telling everyone to fuck off was probably not the best idea.

Amazed by the replies that seem to think the OP should apologise. The bride is an arse and anybody who went away with the lies and deceit is an arse as well. Being told to fuck off is the LEAST they should have expected.

She said she told SIL to f-k off which agree didn’t help but I’d give her a pass after flying halfway round the world with a baby, spending what I highly doubt was a cheap flight with a baby to arrive to some bs like this.

My guess is that the in-laws have sided with their daughter and/or think OP needs to try to attend the wedding anyway without her baby since she is already there and that is why she is blocking them too.

"She didn't really deserve the complete over reaction when you could have thanked her for the arrangement but politely declined"

In the same vein, op should say, thanks for the gift of your son, I'm sorry I can't get on with you so I will have to politely decline any further relations.

I'm sure you will understand and we shall have no further upset.

Goodbye

@RandomForest But OP’s reactions just sound so needlessly antagonistic. It’s possible to disagree with people without swearing, blocking and withholding access to “her” child.

OP hasn’t suggested her DH has a bad relationship with his family, only that she has. So far, we’ve been told that she was asked to be a bridesmaid at her SIL’s wedding which she believes was an olive branch but that SIL, having said OP’s daughter could attend the wedding, has instead booked a babysitter. It’s a bit silly but it’s hardly vicious or deserving of the vitriolic reaction it got.

Honestly, how hard is it to be civil to a spouse’s family when they live on the other side of the world? OP seems not to give a damn about how her husband’s family may feel about the distance or the value to DH and their shared child of helping her DH maintain that connection. I still think if OP’s husband were behaving this way to OP’s family, most people would say he was in the wrong.

I can't believe what I'm reading. People who are more horrified by the f word than they are of this despicable behaviour. If someone stole thousands off you, dictated your holiday and your annual leave and then tried to get you to leave your baby with a stranger (like that's normal), and you're expected to say "no thank you, but I really appreciate the kind gesture for my child to stay with a complete stranger in a foreign country to suit you. I can see how any sane and attached mother would absolutely agree to this. Never mind that we've travelled to the other side of the world with our baby and let's not over dramatise the fact you weren't honest or respectful of my decision not to leave my baby. I didn't want my annual leave anyway and I'd have flown 24 hours with a baby for fun." All the I feel sorry for your husband because you "silly woman" are making a fuss, how dare you not fall into line for your man😱

The condescending ant patronising advice about not swearing at your in laws after all that is nothing short of astonishing 🤦🏼‍♀️. I hope you are ok OP @HomeWard93 . No one deserves to be treated like you have been, your daughter is lucky to have parents who wouldn't leave their child with anyone that offers. You don't need to feel bad for your husband for any other reason than that his family are as they are. Enjoy Australia with your daughter.

It was all needless though wasn't it.

Op could have just stayed at home and her husband could have gone, the fact is op made a commitment to breastfeed this child, and anyone who has breastfed their child knows that commitment is important and not easily stopped.

This child couldn't just be airbrushed out of existance for the convinience of the wedding. The SIL may be ignorant but I find it strange that the MIL couldn't anticipate the probems, maybe she's never breastfed, maybe she was the type of woman who would leave her child with relative strangers.

Op sounds like a good mother, nothing wrong with that, not even taking into account some mothers can suffer with post partum anxiety that can go on for quite a while after birt, such as not doing things that coud harm themselves or the baby, extreme sports, or unessasarry travel etc, it's a primal thing to ensure the baby has the greatest chance of survival. Many women get this during pregnancy such as fear of going in lifts, going on escalators, flying, driving long distances, you get the ghist.
Op put this to the side and went a very long way for her husband to please his sister and mother, even though she knows they do not like her.

She couldn't have been more accomodating.
She erupted because they were taking the piss.

Swearing is not the worst thing in the world.

Wow your inlaws are assholes.

british woman living in Australia 👋 Australian women are positively bizarre about their adult sons. I have never witnessed such weird mummying of grown men, and so many grown men that are complete babies. I can completely understand them treating you like a she devil.

my ex-MIL STALKED ME because I submitted a child support request from her 38 year old son, who lives at home with her.

enjoy your holiday, board that plane and never look back.

Wow. Just wow. SIL is a massive AH and sounds desperate for all attention to be on her, can't even stand the thought of family meeting your baby lest it take 20 seconds of attention away from her. Just wait until she has kids and do the same to her!

So you say that BEFORE dragging them to Australia, not pretend it will be OK for baby to be there and then try to spring a stranger to babysit on them a week before the wedding. If someone invites me to a wedding without my child it's an automatic decline for me, and I would not be happy if after forking out for travel/outfit/gift they then tried to change the terms of my attendance.

The bride deserved to be told to fuck off.

I mean. Talk to your husband.

although when SIL said no kids I’d have expected she meant for the wedding, not the two weeks. And probably expected this.

it’s totally reasonable not to want kids at a wedding. Rude you were blindsided.

why are you thinking you’ll have to bottle feed her? Just have the sitter close and go check on them every two hours (whatever your boobs want, and an easy escape from the outlaws).

if it’s not near a hotel get a camper.

this is all totally doable and probably putting your hubby in an akward spot. But he needs to speak up about it!

and just enjoy vacation and avoid out kk awe as much as you can. Run the errands whatever to get out of the house. Make it better for your hubby who moved across the world for you.

Maybe she doesn't want to leave her child with a stranger.

Would you leave your baby with a stranger @NoThanksymm ?