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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to fly home with our DD?

816 replies

HomeWard93 · 02/03/2024 23:32

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

OP posts:
Helpmetounderstand · 06/03/2024 18:27

I think many brides who don’t have kids totally fail to understand what it means to leave a child (I think I was like that 🤦‍♀️). So yes your SiL is being a TOTAL arse. But I don’t think it is unusual. I do totally agree that her tricking you into going is totally out of order. But there is something in the fact that she wanted you there (and as a bridesmaid). I think you are totally right to say you won’t go, if she won’t allow your daughter to be there. But I do think you need to think about your DH. It is his family and it is utterly awful for him to be in the middle of this. I don’t think you should ban your child from seeing her grandparents until she is old enough to decide. That puts a horrible pressure on a child and creates a really difficult family wedge for your child and husband. For him, you should stay and you should try to move on from this. That doesn’t mean you should have to leave your child to attend the wedding. But I think you need to be kind to your DH by continuing to have at least a minimal contact with his family (so he can see them and your child can have a relationship with them, even if it isn’t frequent). But that minimal contact doesn’t have to be on this holiday, more thinking of the future.

RainbowNinja77 · 06/03/2024 18:38

Blondebrunette1 · 05/03/2024 23:30

I can't believe what I'm reading. People who are more horrified by the f word than they are of this despicable behaviour. If someone stole thousands off you, dictated your holiday and your annual leave and then tried to get you to leave your baby with a stranger (like that's normal), and you're expected to say "no thank you, but I really appreciate the kind gesture for my child to stay with a complete stranger in a foreign country to suit you. I can see how any sane and attached mother would absolutely agree to this. Never mind that we've travelled to the other side of the world with our baby and let's not over dramatise the fact you weren't honest or respectful of my decision not to leave my baby. I didn't want my annual leave anyway and I'd have flown 24 hours with a baby for fun." All the I feel sorry for your husband because you "silly woman" are making a fuss, how dare you not fall into line for your man😱

The condescending ant patronising advice about not swearing at your in laws after all that is nothing short of astonishing 🤦🏼‍♀️. I hope you are ok OP @HomeWard93 . No one deserves to be treated like you have been, your daughter is lucky to have parents who wouldn't leave their child with anyone that offers. You don't need to feel bad for your husband for any other reason than that his family are as they are. Enjoy Australia with your daughter.

Literally no one has said she should agree.

RainbowNinja77 · 06/03/2024 18:40

MrsSunshine2b · 05/03/2024 13:31

What?! They have tricked her into travelling to the other side of the world under false pretences and are now trying to pressure her into leaving her baby with a stranger. Why do people think that getting married is now an excuse to be any level of selfish and treat your friends and family this badly? It's not.

Show quote history

There was no ‘trick’. There has been no pressure - only a suggestion.

puzzledout · 06/03/2024 19:00

@RainbowNinja77 if it was a "suggestion" my arse why was it introduced as a fait accompli?

The OP states, she was introduced as "this is who is looking after your DD" during the wedding

How is that a suggestion? 🤔

CalMeKate · 06/03/2024 19:36

Option C. Absolutely No.

twitchybum · 06/03/2024 19:40

Glitterbaby17 · 02/03/2024 23:38

Skip the wedding and any associated events but enjoy the rest of the trip with your DH. Never speak to the SIL again.

This 100%!

Blondebrunette1 · 06/03/2024 19:48

RainbowNinja77 · 06/03/2024 18:38

Literally no one has said she should agree.

Show quote history

@RainbowNinja77 you've not been reading the same thread then. She's been told her in laws are better off without her, that she's over reacted and being difficult and barking mad, she's making a fuss, being a prima Donna?? They feel sorry for her husband, that she should go and check on the baby with the random sitter as and when whilst attending the wedding, that her fuss is likely ruining the brides wedding week. Lots of people seem to think that her in laws behaviour is forgivable and less of an issue than her reaction 🤦🏼‍♀️.

I know everyone is different and not everyone is a present/natural mother, some do hire unknown randoms to babysit their young kids and these people who have given birth do look at parents who actually are present and have strong attachment bonds as over baring but hey, I don't think it is dramatic to say there's a boundary and lines have been crossed here that won't be again

losthj · 06/03/2024 21:29

I'm still, on the info given, that it's a complete overreaction and poor DH.

Leaving baby for two weeks, turned down, leaving baby for ceremony? Day? Someone pushing them round outside church while op is bridesmaid? Who knows.

Baby not invited at all and completely banned, I get the anger, I don't get the cutting contact forever stuff. Off the back of a snippet about them coming to Uk for two hours visit at Christmas.

Voone · 07/03/2024 04:38

RainbowNinja77 · 06/03/2024 18:40

There was no ‘trick’. There has been no pressure - only a suggestion.

Show quote history

No pressure?
It certainly wasn't only a suggestion, she's been told that that's the only option because the baby isn't allowed to go.

Garlicnaan · 07/03/2024 04:50

They should have told you the plan and they're being ridiculous insisting you use the neighbour.

However you're being incredibly rude and dramatic in how you've responded and adding fire to the flames. Who's to say you're not just as bad? Or worse?

Poor DH.

the7Vabo · 07/03/2024 07:43

Both sides have an understandable perspective and both are being unreasonable. Why on earth would you speak to your SIL like that. To be quite frank, it’s no surprise your DH’s family don’t like you. The extent to which you don’t seem to care is baffling. His family are a huge part of his life.

Your child is toddler, not a baby. A toddler is well able to survive s few hours without being breast fed. I breast fed both of mine until they were 18 months or so and they were both in full time child care on solids and water from 9 months. A public health nurse told me this was perfectly adequate. I breastfed both in the evenings & at night.

There’s too much hype around weddings needing to perfect and the bride not upset. There’s also too much hype around children.

There are many ways you could have approached this. Firstly, by calmly explaining to your sister in law that you wouldn’t be comfortable and if she has kids she may then understand that perspective.

Why you chose to tell her to F right off is beyond me. Id never speak to my husband’s family like that. It shows no regard for your husband for starters.

If you don’t want to see your in-laws - your choice but it will obviously have an impact on your husband. You have no right to make that decision for your child. She is your husband’s child too. He & she should keep up the contact. It’s in your child’s best interest to know her family and not to try to navigate your ego or feelings.

Your SIL wanted you to be her BM presumably to try to build a bridge. And you have just told her to “fuck right off”.

You are completely underestimating the impact of your attitude and behaviour on your husband. How would you feel if your daughter marries a man who can’t stand you, makes no effort and is as rude as you are. You’d feel he was taking her away from you. It’s not simply 5% how ever you came up with that bizarre calculation. His mother birthed and raised him as you are now doing with your daughter. On the one hand you have no issue causing issues in her mother-son relationship with her child but curse at a childcare suggestion for your child. What you are doing to his family is much worse that their babysitter arrangement, it’s fundamental!

The hypocrisy and ego mania is baffling. It’s not just about you and your feelings. It’s about other people too!!!

1offnamechange · 07/03/2024 08:21

NoThanksymm · 06/03/2024 16:31

I mean. Talk to your husband.

although when SIL said no kids I’d have expected she meant for the wedding, not the two weeks. And probably expected this.

it’s totally reasonable not to want kids at a wedding. Rude you were blindsided.

why are you thinking you’ll have to bottle feed her? Just have the sitter close and go check on them every two hours (whatever your boobs want, and an easy escape from the outlaws).

if it’s not near a hotel get a camper.

this is all totally doable and probably putting your hubby in an akward spot. But he needs to speak up about it!

and just enjoy vacation and avoid out kk awe as much as you can. Run the errands whatever to get out of the house. Make it better for your hubby who moved across the world for you.

Yes it's reasonable not to want kids at a wedding which is why when this was first raised and OP said she couldn't leave the baby the sister should have just said OK and left it at that, so they could have decided whether just the DH attended alone etc. Not pretended to change her mind and say baby was okay when she never had any intention of actually letting her attend.

And as for the rest....OP is on a (very expensive) holiday where she has been blindsided into all of this, but you think she or her dh should be running around trying to organise and pay for a flipping "camper?" Wtf?

How many wedding venues allow you to just pitch up a camper van near their premises? And is the poor neighbour supposed to just sit in a flipping camper van in Australia in the summer twiddling her thumbs, as opposed to (presumably) I the comfort of her own house. Not to mention this doesn't address the problem of OP (very reasonably) NOT WANTING TO LEAVE HER BABY WITH A STRANGER!

puzzledout · 07/03/2024 08:46

the7Vabo · 07/03/2024 07:43

Both sides have an understandable perspective and both are being unreasonable. Why on earth would you speak to your SIL like that. To be quite frank, it’s no surprise your DH’s family don’t like you. The extent to which you don’t seem to care is baffling. His family are a huge part of his life.

Your child is toddler, not a baby. A toddler is well able to survive s few hours without being breast fed. I breast fed both of mine until they were 18 months or so and they were both in full time child care on solids and water from 9 months. A public health nurse told me this was perfectly adequate. I breastfed both in the evenings & at night.

There’s too much hype around weddings needing to perfect and the bride not upset. There’s also too much hype around children.

There are many ways you could have approached this. Firstly, by calmly explaining to your sister in law that you wouldn’t be comfortable and if she has kids she may then understand that perspective.

Why you chose to tell her to F right off is beyond me. Id never speak to my husband’s family like that. It shows no regard for your husband for starters.

If you don’t want to see your in-laws - your choice but it will obviously have an impact on your husband. You have no right to make that decision for your child. She is your husband’s child too. He & she should keep up the contact. It’s in your child’s best interest to know her family and not to try to navigate your ego or feelings.

Your SIL wanted you to be her BM presumably to try to build a bridge. And you have just told her to “fuck right off”.

You are completely underestimating the impact of your attitude and behaviour on your husband. How would you feel if your daughter marries a man who can’t stand you, makes no effort and is as rude as you are. You’d feel he was taking her away from you. It’s not simply 5% how ever you came up with that bizarre calculation. His mother birthed and raised him as you are now doing with your daughter. On the one hand you have no issue causing issues in her mother-son relationship with her child but curse at a childcare suggestion for your child. What you are doing to his family is much worse that their babysitter arrangement, it’s fundamental!

The hypocrisy and ego mania is baffling. It’s not just about you and your feelings. It’s about other people too!!!

  1. Since when is an 8 month old a toddler
  2. The SIL was told calmly the first time
  3. No one gives a flying fuck what yours were doing at 9 months old, the OPs baby isn't doing the same
  4. The OP hadn't bottle trained as she had no need, hasn't expressed as she had no need, so has no equipment for either
  5. Some parents don't see the benefit of dumping their kids on a stranger, they're much more careful than others.
  6. No one is disrespecting their husband, OP is an individual and has no need to bow down to her husband if she needs to stand up to nasty people.
  7. Fuck off was completely appropriate to people that don't listen to being told no

Hope that gives you a better understanding of the situation, you're a very different type of mother to OP.

phoenixrosehere · 07/03/2024 08:57

the7Vabo · 07/03/2024 07:43

Both sides have an understandable perspective and both are being unreasonable. Why on earth would you speak to your SIL like that. To be quite frank, it’s no surprise your DH’s family don’t like you. The extent to which you don’t seem to care is baffling. His family are a huge part of his life.

Your child is toddler, not a baby. A toddler is well able to survive s few hours without being breast fed. I breast fed both of mine until they were 18 months or so and they were both in full time child care on solids and water from 9 months. A public health nurse told me this was perfectly adequate. I breastfed both in the evenings & at night.

There’s too much hype around weddings needing to perfect and the bride not upset. There’s also too much hype around children.

There are many ways you could have approached this. Firstly, by calmly explaining to your sister in law that you wouldn’t be comfortable and if she has kids she may then understand that perspective.

Why you chose to tell her to F right off is beyond me. Id never speak to my husband’s family like that. It shows no regard for your husband for starters.

If you don’t want to see your in-laws - your choice but it will obviously have an impact on your husband. You have no right to make that decision for your child. She is your husband’s child too. He & she should keep up the contact. It’s in your child’s best interest to know her family and not to try to navigate your ego or feelings.

Your SIL wanted you to be her BM presumably to try to build a bridge. And you have just told her to “fuck right off”.

You are completely underestimating the impact of your attitude and behaviour on your husband. How would you feel if your daughter marries a man who can’t stand you, makes no effort and is as rude as you are. You’d feel he was taking her away from you. It’s not simply 5% how ever you came up with that bizarre calculation. His mother birthed and raised him as you are now doing with your daughter. On the one hand you have no issue causing issues in her mother-son relationship with her child but curse at a childcare suggestion for your child. What you are doing to his family is much worse that their babysitter arrangement, it’s fundamental!

The hypocrisy and ego mania is baffling. It’s not just about you and your feelings. It’s about other people too!!!

So because it was easy for you, it should be easy for OP?

It doesn’t work that way nor is an 8 mo a toddler.

I nursed two children for 2+ years and nursing a third. First took a bottle, second one refused it until he himself picked up a sippy cup when he was almost a year and a half, third we will see.

Some of you are ridiculously hung up on her wording considering the circumstances (guess some of you can afford such a flight with less than 3 mo warning) of her just flying a 16+ hour flight after telling and explaining to the bride from the very beginning why she couldn’t be a bridesmaid and attend the bride’s chosen childfree wedding. Bride wasn’t happy but then said it was ok to bring baby. If having the baby at the wedding was that much of a problem, then she could have very simply accepted OP declining. No one would have batted an eye if OP hadn’t been at a childfree wedding nor was OP trying to force the bride to change her wedding for her. The offer alone and accepting her decline would have been enough of an olive branch

If the bride had posted here “I want my SIL who lives halfway around the world to be a bridesmaid at my childfree wedding but she has declined because she is a nursing mum and isn’t comfortable leaving her baby. I have said she could bring my niece even though I don’t want her there. This is really annoying me and I have found my own solution to this and have gotten a babysitter for her. They have finally arrived and I have told my SIL that our neighbour will watch her baby for her so she can attend my wedding without niece and she cursed at me. I don’t see what the big deal is. I know she told me why when I asked her to be bridesmaid and she declined but it’s my wedding. AIBU?

SIL would have been roasted and called every name under the sun.

There is no excuse for the bride to not have asked the parents if it was ok before they flew especially considering the cost and flight time. The bride not having children is a very bs excuse and if her parents knew and didn’t say anything to OP and their son, they are no better. No reasonable person would think it was ok to TELL a parent that some person they never met was going to watch their baby after the parent had specifically told them from the very beginning they couldn’t leave their baby. I also very much doubt many posters would have not been upset in OP’s circumstances, cursing or not.

Helenb70 · 07/03/2024 09:20

'Hope that gives you a better understanding of the situation, you're a very different type of mother to OP.'

Yes, a calm, sensible mother able to see both sides of an issue not a tedious drama queen like the OP!

puzzledout · 07/03/2024 09:35

Helenb70 · 07/03/2024 09:20

'Hope that gives you a better understanding of the situation, you're a very different type of mother to OP.'

Yes, a calm, sensible mother able to see both sides of an issue not a tedious drama queen like the OP!

No a judgemental mother, who is happy to leave a baby unprepared for bottle feeding with a stranger then go off for a jolly up at a wedding.

Who puts her husbands feelings before an 8 month old baby.

Self praise is no recommendation.

Blondebrunette1 · 07/03/2024 09:49

Helenb70 · 07/03/2024 09:20

'Hope that gives you a better understanding of the situation, you're a very different type of mother to OP.'

Yes, a calm, sensible mother able to see both sides of an issue not a tedious drama queen like the OP!

@Helenb70 She's not a drama queen she's got boundaries and has been lied to and duped out of thousands of pounds, her holiday/annual leave and hasn't been an absolute sap that's bowed down to her in laws who have tried to force her to dance to their tune. I feel sad for anyone who thinks they should accept this sort of thing to keep the peace for their husband, my husband (who btw has a great relationship with his family as do I) would not stand for it, he's been raised better than that.

You say you're sensible and not a drama queen, I'd say you're cold and meek, without boundaries if you'd accept this, maybe even a little insecure in your marriage if you need to give up every ounce of self respect to please DH. You slam OP for being a good parent and putting her child first, she's clearly got a strong bond with her baby and is not prepared to leave her with strangers in a foreign country to appease her deranged in laws.

Blackhorse32 · 07/03/2024 10:00

Why are you starting to argue with yourselves? OP made 2 posts days ago, she clearly has sorted something out or just wanted a rant. No need for uninvolved people to start calling each other dramatic or cold, meek and insecure.

the7Vabo · 07/03/2024 10:03

Blackhorse32 · 07/03/2024 10:00

Why are you starting to argue with yourselves? OP made 2 posts days ago, she clearly has sorted something out or just wanted a rant. No need for uninvolved people to start calling each other dramatic or cold, meek and insecure.

Fair point. OP probably doesn’t care about this thread at this point

phoenixrosehere · 07/03/2024 10:05

Blondebrunette1 · 07/03/2024 09:49

@Helenb70 She's not a drama queen she's got boundaries and has been lied to and duped out of thousands of pounds, her holiday/annual leave and hasn't been an absolute sap that's bowed down to her in laws who have tried to force her to dance to their tune. I feel sad for anyone who thinks they should accept this sort of thing to keep the peace for their husband, my husband (who btw has a great relationship with his family as do I) would not stand for it, he's been raised better than that.

You say you're sensible and not a drama queen, I'd say you're cold and meek, without boundaries if you'd accept this, maybe even a little insecure in your marriage if you need to give up every ounce of self respect to please DH. You slam OP for being a good parent and putting her child first, she's clearly got a strong bond with her baby and is not prepared to leave her with strangers in a foreign country to appease her deranged in laws.

Show quote history

my husband (who btw has a great relationship with his family as do I) would not stand for it, he's been raised better than that.

Knowing my DH, he would have been much worse. He would have cursed, and asked his sister if she had suffered a brain injury and to explain her thinking. He would not have cared one iota if people were there and I would have left him to it. I’m the polite one of us and will pick my words, he has no qualms about being more upfront especially when wronged.

puzzledout · 07/03/2024 10:07

Blackhorse32 · 07/03/2024 10:00

Why are you starting to argue with yourselves? OP made 2 posts days ago, she clearly has sorted something out or just wanted a rant. No need for uninvolved people to start calling each other dramatic or cold, meek and insecure.

Honestly, please don't worry yourself about how I spend my time.

Whilst the OP is not interested, this post may help another mum to have the power to stand up to people trying to bully her into leaving her child.

DaftFlerken · 07/03/2024 10:47

@puzzledout - why are you so angry about this ? You are coming across as really very aggressive

puzzledout · 07/03/2024 11:09

DaftFlerken · 07/03/2024 10:47

@puzzledout - why are you so angry about this ? You are coming across as really very aggressive

Sorry, I'm not allowed to challenge other people? I'm not particularly angry, but the way people are saying

8 month olds are toddlers GrinGrin

Baby should have a bottle because their baby did, again 🤣🥲🥲

And the worst one, looking after your baby and not allowing them to be distressed with a stranger is disrespectful to their husband, even more GrinGrin

But thank you for your analogy.

RampantIvy · 07/03/2024 12:36

8 month olds are toddlers

I don't think I know of anyone whose 8 month old was walking. DD wasn't even sitting up unaided at that age.

An 8 month old is a baby, not a toddler.

the7Vabo · 07/03/2024 12:48

puzzledout · 07/03/2024 11:09

Sorry, I'm not allowed to challenge other people? I'm not particularly angry, but the way people are saying

8 month olds are toddlers GrinGrin

Baby should have a bottle because their baby did, again 🤣🥲🥲

And the worst one, looking after your baby and not allowing them to be distressed with a stranger is disrespectful to their husband, even more GrinGrin

But thank you for your analogy.

Show quote history

My apologies I mistakenly read the OP thread as that the baby who was 8 months at the time of wedding planning is now a toddler. Obviously an 8 month old is different.

I never said, nor do I think, allowing a baby or a toddler to be distressed is the way to go to respect the OP's husband.

Having re-read the original post I still think the OP's attitude to her husband's family is unfortunate and I think she would be very upset if her future son-in-law decided to treat her in the same way - my wife's family don't like me and I don't really care.

While you have made it clear that you don't give a "flying fuck" about my life, I did leave my 3 month old with a babysitter vetted by my sisters wedding venue but a stranger to me minding my baby on the same premises as me. I didn't do so to have a "jolly", it was quite frankly a massive pain that my sister got married so close to me having a baby. I did it to be supportive of my sister and to try to make her wedding about her. I didn't mention it in my reply given others may not do the same. The babysitter was an older lady and she was absolutely brilliant. I left baby with my MIL at 5 months to go to a good friend's wedding again not because I wanted to have a jolly but because she has always been a good friend to me and it was her big day and she wanted me there. I mentioned leaving a 9 month old in creche because of the advice of a public health nurse. And btw I didn't want to leave my 9 month old in creche I did it to keep a roof over our heads.

People make decisions for a variety of reasons, some of it is to do with different attitudes to parenting but in a lot of situations people are doing things they'd rather not to facilitate others. I don't see my decisions as the "right" ones but they were made with the feelings of others in mind, If the OP's tone was I know my SIL will be upset but I can't leave my baby with a stranger and she may understand that when she has kids herself my response would be different.

My point to the OP, if she's even still reading, is I don't really understand why she doesn't care more about her husband's relationship with his family. It is unreasonable to want to fly home because it causes a lot of unnecessary drama and makes someone else's day about her and her feelings. Why she thinks she has the right to deny her husband's family access to her husband's child is beyond me. Over what - a row about a wedding that should be soon forgotten.