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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to fly home with our DD?

816 replies

HomeWard93 · 02/03/2024 23:32

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

OP posts:
DillDanding · 02/03/2024 23:34

I would stay but not go to the wedding.

candyisdandybutliquorisquicker · 02/03/2024 23:36

You've been treated very poorly but as you've traveled all that way I certainly wouldn't be coming home. Send DH to the wedding, enjoy a low-key day with your daughter and then crack on with enjoying the rest of your holiday.

MintTwirl · 02/03/2024 23:36

I would stay but not go to the wedding and just enjoy my holiday.

UnNiddeRides · 02/03/2024 23:37

I’d go with b. You’re there now so just miss the wedding day & make a family holiday of the rest of the 2 weeks.

RantyAnty · 02/03/2024 23:37

I'd skip the wedding and just go do some things on your own with your daughter.

SanctuaryCity · 02/03/2024 23:38

B). Enjoy your time there and opt out of the wedding. No point going all the way there to cut your trip short.

Glitterbaby17 · 02/03/2024 23:38

Skip the wedding and any associated events but enjoy the rest of the trip with your DH. Never speak to the SIL again.

BuddhaAtSea · 02/03/2024 23:40

Nah, don’t go back early. Treat it as a holiday, let DH go to the wedding, continue with the holiday and leave never to be seen again. I would.

Upallnight2 · 02/03/2024 23:40

Definitely don't go to the wedding! Stupid cow she is.. but I'd stay and make the most of it, just avoid any family

Wombatsquarepoo · 02/03/2024 23:41

Option B

because in Option C you’ll have to trek half way across the world with your baby and all the baby things all by yourself. Might as well enjoy the holiday but make it clear you will not be seeing/ speaking to SIL ever again for lying to you

Chicaontour · 02/03/2024 23:42

Stay and don't go to the wedding. Don't inflict extra jet lag on your child or yourself

Maray1967 · 02/03/2024 23:44

Yes, stay and enjoy the holiday and leave DH to deal with his unpleasant relatives.

catscalledbeanz · 02/03/2024 23:44

Option B is the most reasonable. It means you don't spend needless money nor cause needless arguments. Yes the arguments are of their making in the first instance. But nonetheless it's their wedding and whilst they are ridiculous, it's far more dignified to just choose option b and stick it out. When they have children they might get it. (Although not guaranteed)

Picklestop · 02/03/2024 23:45

Definitely B).

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/03/2024 23:46

B

WhamBamThankU · 02/03/2024 23:46

B. What a shitty thing to do

Original poster
HomeWard93 · 02/03/2024 23:47

I don’t think I’ll enjoy the time now but I suppose from practicality point of view B is the best option.

SIL and PIL are blocked and DH has passed on that neither I or my DD (until she is old enough to make the decision herself) will see them or have anything to do with them again.

Im already the bitch who took their “boy” away (me and DH met when I was travelling over here, he got a job in the UK and then we got married) and I do feel bad as DH loves his family and he sees so little of them (before the Xmas trip he hadn’t seen them since our wedding pre Covid). I don’t really care what they think but I do feel bad leaving DH to deal with this when he’s meant to be spending quality family time.

OP posts:
Zippedydoodahday · 02/03/2024 23:47

B. No way I'd inflict a return flight on myself and baby so quickly after arriving and without a second pair of adult hands on the plane. Leave them to it and have a nice holiday with your daughter. Do not be pressured into handing your baby over to some random when you're clearly not comfortable with it.

I guess if you really wanted to keep the peace you could perhaps just go for the ceremony? But totally get you might not want to leave baby even for that.

LifeExperience · 02/03/2024 23:47

option b

CommentNow · 02/03/2024 23:51

B.

And be cheerful about it. Very casual and "oh dear, such a shame, I'm sure you've just been so busy with wedding planning you didnt realise that saying niece can come meant...that she could come to the wedding. Totally respect her decision, you and DD will make yourselves scarce. Perhaps lovely neighbour can take your place as babysitting not needed."

Preferably said in front of dear neighbour, just for the fun of watching her squirm because clearly there is space for said neighbour with you not going and it would be a shame to waste the space seeing as it's all paid for and neighbour has cleared their diary.

See if she blinks first.

If not then at least you havent entirely wasted the travel costs, annual leave and travel time. Take DD out and be glad you dont have to plaster a smile on your face all day with people you dont like. As annoying as costs etc are, it couldnt have gone any better for you in some respects.

novocaine4thesoul · 02/03/2024 23:52

b) don't let them spoil your holiday now you are there. They are ridiculous.

RawBloomers · 02/03/2024 23:52

I wouldn’t fly home, but I might look for a trip I might enjoy with DD near to where you currently are from now to a day or two after the wedding, then have DH join you when he’s done with his family.

There’s no way I would be going along with the plan to leave the baby with a neighbour. And (unless any of them have sided with you) I’d probably never speak to DH’s family again. They certainly wouldn’t be welcome if they came over to visit.

Boomarang · 02/03/2024 23:53

B. But I’d say you’re not refusing. Just politely decline.

DD has a fever, or a loose nappy, not feeding… whatever. Not happy to leave her.

Then get on with your holiday, what a shame DD was poorly etc etc, have a lovely time and then leave them all back there at the end.

I wouldn’t create hostility given they live on the other side of the world as it’s just going to take up emotional space for you. A bland grey stone, so to speak….

Choose your battles!

SIL doesn’t have kids. So I would forgive her for having no clue about how hard it is to leave them.

brassbells · 02/03/2024 23:54

OPTION B

DH goes to the wedding and you and DD spend the day at the hotel pool and a local park or sightseeing then local area

Ask Australian MNettters or other people who have been to the area you are in - for good ideas on where to go or what to do with a baby/young toddler in the local area

catscalledbeanz · 02/03/2024 23:57

"SIL and PIL are blocked and DH has passed on that neither I or my DD (until she is old enough to make the decision herself) will see them or have anything to do with them again. "

My god what an over reaction! Particularly in the week of a wedding. Why are you making it about you? Agree to disagree, say you can't attend without dd and graciously bow out. DONT MAKE A SCENE FGS! There's no need. They live literally on the other side of the world so this won't crop up often. Very time your invited claim prior commitment or poverty- when people live in Australia it's fucking easy to avoid them without the need for confrontation! Why on earth make such a drama?!?! You are making a villain of yourself!