To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

Option B

Wow you'd stop your parents in law from seeing their grandchild over this. I feel so sorry for your husband, this whole situation sounds challenging - but for you to have gotten him to tell them that is manipulative and gross. Give your head a wobble.

Option B.
In your shoes I'd "allow" dh to go to tje wedding and have time with his family if he wants it but rather than using the credit card in a flight home, I'd use it to take myself and child off on a trip elsewhere - and if husband wanted to come.even better

I would just not go, but I would be polite about it and not be blocking my dh's family over this. I realize you already did this, but you can apologuise, but still bow out of attending.
Trust me, I wasn't a fan of my 1st sil, but for the sake of my brother and niece managed to be mannerly. They divorced, and he married somebody much worse. But my brother was in my life until the end, and his ex's or my db never knew how I felt.

B. Don’t incur extra expense on last minute flights. Plus the immediate turn around and right back on the plane.

if you are staying with them, I would incur the expense of a hotel.

screw being nice about it. Like hell I would leave my toddler with a babysitter I didn’t know and choose myself.

Option B, and announcing that your in laws will never see their grandchild again on the week of their daughter's wedding all because she came up with an unsuitable arrangement (which you haven't even clarified whether PIL endorsed or not) is insane, and whether or not it makes you as bad as them, it certainly makes you look it.

^^ this

I think you're absolutely wrong about this. Usually I support bridal decisions for a day - if reasonable - but this is anything but! OP has flown half way around the world in good faith to build bridges and some absolute idiot has the audacity to expect OP to leave her baby with a stranger?! WTAF?!

OP, what a response 👏 👏 you have my utter respect. What a load of crap from clearly hideous people and good for you for not taking it. If I were you I would stay and enjoy the sunshine xx

It's coming into a lovely time of year here, so take the time to enjoy the sights. Don't leave.

They were out of order, and having nightmare in laws myself, I get your resonse. However, using such foul language & using your child as a pawn isn't particularly helpful. You could just say 'oh, no. I think we've had a miscommunication. I thought we'd agreed DD was invited. As lovely as your neighbour seems, I'm absolutely not leaving DD with a stranger. I guess you'll just have to decide if we both come or not at all. If it's an issue we'll just miss the wedding & DH can go alone. Let me know what you decide.' Smile, walk away. Whatever happens then is on them. Either they'll invite you politely, or grudgingly, or refuse. You decide your course of action.

I find most people with kids get a raw deal from childless ones at weddings. They don't get it. I've a friend though, who will, and has, repeatedly, dumped her DC, from 3 months old, on family or neighbours they barely know in order to attend events child free. Some don't care, some do.

They do realise that everyone at the wedding is going to be asking where you and DD are, don't they?

I still think declaring you'd never see them again was overdramatic playing into their hands though.

Obviously you won't leave your baby with strangers, but you do seem to be reacting in a very extreme way. "You can fuck right off" and never seeing any of them ever again-really? Why? And if you've only seen them once- why do you dislike them so much? All seems a bit weird.

op didn’t drive to the next town for the wedding, she spent considerable money and possibly expended holiday leave to make this trip. If she wasn't lied to about being invited to the wedding, she might have made a different decision about traveling so far.

I think at this point, given you're already out there, option C might be cutting off your nose to spite your face. I totally understand that this has put a damper on the trip but honestly if you can, I would make up my mind to enjoy what's left of the trip, try and tune out the rest of it and focus on making the most of time as a family in a beautiful part of the world. I think you sticking around to support your DH would be good for him, too - it all sounds so tough.

I find it odd that I read about situations like this which I have never encountered in real life. Normally people are very sensitive to whatever boundaries or routines a new mother has and work around them. I find it unusual that they asked you to be a bridesmaid but at the same time have not factored in that you will need some leeway with this role

I’d stay and enjoy Oz 😍 no need to attend the wedding. I’d be fuming if someone lured me in with that pretense.

So they know you’re breastfeeding and expect you to leave your dd for the day? I’d be fuming as well. You’ve traipsed across the globe with a baby, which is no mean feat for this. Idk if I’d keep my child from the family though. They see her so very little already.

Definitely option B. I’m sure you can find something lovely to do while DH does wedding things.

I mean there is the option that you just turn up at the wedding with your child anyway. I mean the bridges are well and truely burned already, so it’s not like it matters if they like you even less!

B, but by God, you sound like bloody hard work.

B. They have been silly and it would definitely annoy me, but you sound like a dramatic control freak and your husband sounds like a pushover. Withholding contact with the child ver this and and he's really ok with it?

I'd probably go home if I could afford it and wouldn't waste another day somewhere you don't want to be (I wouldn't if it was going to cause me real financial hardship!)

I can't believe posters are telling you you're unreasonable to be mad about the situation though, you've travelled half way across the world at considerable expense to your time and bank balance under false pretences. How anyone thinks it's acceptable for the lies and for you to leave your baby with a stranger is beyond belief! And to let them off the hook purely because you don't see them much? Absolutely not! So what if it's their wedding week, it doesn't give them the right to behave like arseholes with no comeback.

I'd certainly be saying the same as you, they're not that bothered about your kid are they, not wanting them at the wedding after not seeing her for so long and thinking she's safe in the hands of someone you/dh/baby don't know! The in laws are so far out of order here and in the real world, no one would be happy with this scenario!

Please don't think you've over reacted because couple of posters say so.

If you love your husband I don't understand how you can react to this in such an aggressive way, particularly as he seems to have a good relationship with his family.

I'm an Aussie married to a Brit. DH's family are the coldest , most unwelcoming bunch imaginable and have frankly made me feel like something they've found on the bottom of their shoe. DH knows how upset I've been by this over the years but I have always maintained a mask of civility and politeness to them all and continue to host them etc. I would hate to drive a wedge between DH and his family, even though they are a bunch of arseholes.

Option B OP. For your husband's sake. He must be feeling very torn given the hostility between you and his family, even if he is equally as mad at them for pulling this bizarre stunt.

You'd just got off a very long flight with a baby and were blindsided by what was a very ill thought out not so cunning plan of your SILs so I think your somewhat direct and rude response to it can be forgiven. But please think about your DH in all of this.

How odd that SIL asked you to be a bridesmaid but didn't want your daughter there. Sounds manipulative.

I'd say B too, but drop any drama. It's reasonable to be upset but you must draw a line.
Whether you like them or not it's not one to ruin a wedding over. Let DH deal and step back and enjoy the time away.

I'd go option B - no point wasting all the effort of having got to Australia now, so find something lovely to do!

I had a very difficult relationship with my SIL - she also lives abroad (though only in Europe so not quite so far), and despite DH having lived back in the UK for years when we met, she was also of the opinion that I had 'stolen' him away, as she just didn't consider that as he got married/had kids the amount of time he could spend with her family compared to when he was single would change. She eventually apologised (much needed, as she'd been truly dreadful to me), and said she'd love for us to be closer - which we have become, and it's been nice - but sadly it took my FIL dying quite suddenly to prompt it. So I wouldn't necessarily burn bridges forever - but I don't think you're unreasonable to consider that you need a sincere apology, initiated by her, to move on.

This.