To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

Practically speaking you need to explain to SIL and family and DH that you can't and won't suddenly stop bf. This means that you can't attend the whole wedding without feeding your baby as your boobs will be leaking etc unless you feed or pump. There's also the issue that your baby doesn't currently take a bottle and no guarantee that baby will (some babies just wont). SIL possibly doesn't know this if she doesn't have a baby or experience of them.
So for these reasons unfortunately it's just not practical for you to attend the wedding without the baby.
So fine if she doesn't want the baby that's absolutely no problem and you'll happily duck out of the day.
Don't go home on your own though. I think that will cause a lot of grief between you and DH who didn't really cause any of this at all.

how often is your lo breastsfeeding that you cant leave her for a few hours?

From the point of view of the family of DH.

They came all the way to DD's first birthday.

They asked you to be in the wedding.

SIL changed the child free status of wedding without conferring with fiance to accommodate DD and your wish.
They asked (or neighbour could have offered) a trusted person known to them to be available to babysit DD. They indroduced that woman ASAP so you could assess whether that would be an option you would take up.
How do you know they would not have accepted your DD at wedding if that was the decision you and DH arrived at?

You say that they miss their son tremendously, as they would, and that they don't like you. Their behaviour doesn't reflect that. Like you, they're not perfect but they don''t seem to be devils.

You seem inflexible. I feel sorry for your DH.

Firstly the wedding and reception are child free so she can’t just join the reception with her dd later

Secondly this isn’t about op not wanting to spend time away from her baby but because on a practical level she is unable to as dd is still bf.

Why is it irrational to not want to spend time with liars who had you spend £1000s and waste weeks of your life

As for getting to the other side of the world and expecting op to be willing to hand over her breast fed baby to a complete stranger for the day, even if sil is chidfree and doesn’t understand, her mil should have put her right.

Yeah I'd imagine this venue might be a way off where babe might be, only guessing but y know Australia.

Her breats will engorge.
She may leak.
She will have to spend time expressing at the venue.
She will be worried about the child.
She doesn't know this woman from Adam, even if she spends some time with her before the wedding.
She may not like the woman.
The baby may not take to the woman.
She would have to either express a load of milk before she leaves to feed the child and she may not be good at this, many breastfeeding mothers arn't.
The baby then has to learn to take a bottle in a week, for this very event, do you know how stressful that can be transfering from bottle to breast, the child normally hates it, especially at eight months old.

Oh but so long as the SIL gets her own way and has a child free day and has specifically hoodwinked op into coming thinking she's invited to the ceremony, thats ok.

I disagree it was well intended. If it was they'd have been upfront rather than saying the baby could come when actually that was an outright lie. Back when this was first discussed they could have brought up the possibility of a babysitter for the day, and how maybe their lovely neighbour could do it. Rather than saying she could go, waiting until they've spent all that money and flown all that way and saying "here is the woman you've never met and will be leaving your breastfed child with" and presenting it as a fait accompli.

OP I've reread your posts, and I can't see anywhere where you state that your husband's parents are supporting your SIL in this? Do you know this for sure, or have you just lumped them all together and blocked the lot of them? If you have blocked your PILs without talking to them, then that, together with blocking contact with their GC, would be appalling behaviour on the face of it. These people are your husband's parents and your child's grandparents.

Your SIL has behaved appallingly, no question about it, but the tone of your comments suggests you would have been only too happy to find an excuse to block the whole family? 🤷‍♀️

Option d - you and your DH tell SIL she is out of order for inviting her niece and then rescinding once you have travelled thousands of miles.

That all three of you are at the wedding or none of you are. I'd also be pointing out that although you believe grandparents should be involved with their grandchildren this is the last time they will meet your DD.

i think this is the jet lag talking op
i hope you have recovered now to make a rational decision

Unless there is significant untold backstory here then I’d say YABU. Not for refusing to go to wedding but for the drama. Just remove yourself and baby and let your husband enjoy his family. I used to have difficulty with my in laws so I do understand. DH and I fought about them and I did think very early on that it could break us. It didn’t and actually 20 years later I quite like spending some time with them and actively encourage them to come and make plans with them. I guess I’m saying things can change, you and them so don’t make your husbands life with his family difficult. Just retreat till your relationship improves or not and just keep keeping your distance

Option b, presumably there are some nice things to do in oz, and your dh will only be at the wedding one day, and presumably he is using 2 weeks of leave so it would be a shame to loose out on that family time. It was extremely underhanded and sly to arrange this neighbour and spring it on you at arrival, probably hoping you would be too shocked and polite to say no. So I’m glad you stood up for yourself and your Dd. I wouldn’t leave my 6 year old with a stranger!

They live the other side off the world .just say you won’t leave DD with a stranger and bow out of the wedding
you literally have no contact with them anyway so the threat of having nothing to do with them is bit of an empty one
all it does is feed the drama
I think the way forward is an honest discussion saying for whatever reason or who ever fault you all don’t get on and don’t like each other
so for the sake of your dh you’ll be essential contact only and civil there’s no pretending and you all know where you stand

it’s horrendously sad and must be hard for your DH

Do you want her to build a time machine?

You literally quoted the part where she has already blocked them and told them that she doesn't want anything to do with them again 😂

Or are you saying she should unblock them and pretend that never happened and tell them "I graciously bow out".

Your advice makes no sense 😂

You were barmy to agree to be a bridesmaid to someone you dislike. Cannot believe you said yes!! Especially as they’re in Australia so easy to avoid/hard to build a relationship anyway. Perfect set up if you hate your in laws, surely.

Obviously SIL’s plan is batshit too but I wouldn’t have even got that far in the first place as wouldn’t have accepted the invitation (I have toxic in laws too).

Or nice neighbour might actually have been liked by Op and DD and nice neighbour could attend wedding and take baby in pram (at the instruction of Op) to a quiet area for Op to have a few breaks during the day - like when she is getting dressed, during speeches and vows or when she and DH are dancing up a storm. It is generous of DH family to think of baby sitting options. Op doesn't know anyone.

Op's over reaction made it hard for her to meet neighbour and hard for any type of compromise.

To be honest, I would trust their vetting system on aquiring a babysitter, they don't sound particularly clued up.

Your in laws are nuts. Leaving your DD with a stranger is not an option.

You mentioned booking flights specifically on a credit card, which I thought was odd. Is this just the usual way you book flights (which is normal, I know for points and airmiles) or do you mean you're low on money? If so, definitely option B.

wouldn't 😅

B, why waste the money?

Enjoy some days out with the baby and leave your husband to his crazy family.

this thread is nuts
everyone is a stranger until you meet them!
jeez
my own in laws offered their neighbour to look after my ds at 7 months to attend a family funeral. of course i accepted their offer
admittedly i wasnt breast feeding but i cant believe an 8 month old is breast feeding so regularly?

This 💯

Leave your baby alone with a stranger?! They are completely bonkers 😂. Yes option B is the only way really. Don’t waste money on expensive flights to make a point.

It is generous of DH family to think of baby sitting options.

It's not generous to come up with alternative arrangements for a baby you previously said could come to the wedding. It's not generous to effectively uninvite the baby a week beforehand.

I do think your response in blocking and banning them for their grandchild is overkill.
Obviously the suggestion is nonsense, but you just say no? Or even better leave DH to deal with. Unless there's a massive dripped coming, I don't think assuming the worst intentions behind every interaction with them is helpful to you.

You can still soften the response if you're inclined to, rather than feed into the narrative they have about you.

As an aside, yes trips to Australia are spenny but DH is from there and DDs family is also. The trips and the cost are part of the package when marrying anyone from a different country. Acting as if visiting his family is a expensive favour isn't helpful.

D. He tells his sister (ideally in the presence of his parents) that you are not leaving your dd with a stranger and would not have flown half way around the world if you had known. The only compromise you will accept is the babysitter looking after your dd outside the ceremony venue for a few minutes but she will be with you for the rest of the day and evening - otherwise neither of you will be able to attend. Leave it up to her.

The ironic part is she probably thinks she has down a lovely thing. Adult only weddings have become commonplace in English speaking countries (goodness knows why, I'm not having one myself, I think it's rude) so she's helped you by solving your no sitter issue. I think accepting not having your dd in the quiet ceremony is an appropriate compromise, with her just outside so you could be grabbed if needed