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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to fly home with our DD?

816 replies

HomeWard93 · 02/03/2024 23:32

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

OP posts:
Voone · 03/03/2024 06:58

user1492757084 · 03/03/2024 06:52

Or nice neighbour might actually have been liked by Op and DD and nice neighbour could attend wedding and take baby in pram (at the instruction of Op) to a quiet area for Op to have a few breaks during the day - like when she is getting dressed, during speeches and vows or when she and DH are dancing up a storm. It is generous of DH family to think of baby sitting options. Op doesn't know anyone.

Op's over reaction made it hard for her to meet neighbour and hard for any type of compromise.

OP didn't ask for babysitting options though did she?

I also don't know why you're assuming there's some kind of overreaction.

In the post the OP said she was told that this neighbour would be looking after the baby.
Op said she could fuck right off.
And then that SIL is refusing to have the baby at the wedding, and that Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A
which is try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag

So it sounds like there was discussions and possibly arguments over this before it got to the point of OPs overreaction.

PinkyFlamingo · 03/03/2024 07:01

No wonder some people get away with the most awful behaviour in life when there seems to be so many people just willing to accept it and not say anything, usually for the sake of a "quiet life". And they're a few here in this thread that's for sure!
Well done OP for standing up for yourself. And the bonus is once you get home you will need er Habe to see these manipulative horrible people again.

Starspangledrodeopony · 03/03/2024 07:02

It’s mental, completely mental that she wanted you to leave a baby ten thousand miles away. 🤯

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 03/03/2024 07:02

so You live the other side of the world to them and they didn’t want you to initially even bring your baby on the trip for them to get to know each other, that bit is crazy to me.

obviously as you are breastfeeding you can’t leave the baby for the day of the wedding. But I am more sympathetic to the bride here as if you haven’t had a child you don’t realise about breastfeeding and the restrictions it actually places on you. She went to the effort to find a babysitter for you.

Voone · 03/03/2024 07:02

Willmafrockfit · 03/03/2024 06:56

this thread is nuts
everyone is a stranger until you meet them!
jeez
my own in laws offered their neighbour to look after my ds at 7 months to attend a family funeral. of course i accepted their offer
admittedly i wasnt breast feeding but i cant believe an 8 month old is breast feeding so regularly?

Offering a babysitter is very different to telling you "you're not bringing your baby and this person is going to be babysitting your child". Fuck that

BarrelOfOtters · 03/03/2024 07:02

They are probably clubbing together to pay for your flight home. It’s lucky though for you as you’ve managed to make someone else’s wedding all about you.

You sound exceptionally hard work….and I feel sorry for your husband.

Starspangledrodeopony · 03/03/2024 07:03

Why didn’t anyone in the family want to meet the husband’s baby?! That’s what I can’t figure out. Because they hate the OP and the baby is part her? It’s crazy to want them to leave the child in the UK.

moonjump · 03/03/2024 07:03

SIL and PIL are blocked and DH has passed on that neither I or my DD (until she is old enough to make the decision herself) will see them or have anything to do with them again.

This is an overreaction on your part, and will just make your DH miserable. He's entitled to have a relationship with his family, and whilst you don't have any obligation it's just mean to put him in a position where he's stuck in the middle.

Voone · 03/03/2024 07:04

BarrelOfOtters · 03/03/2024 07:02

They are probably clubbing together to pay for your flight home. It’s lucky though for you as you’ve managed to make someone else’s wedding all about you.

You sound exceptionally hard work….and I feel sorry for your husband.

I feel sorry for the husband that his sister is such an asshole.
The OP hasn't done anything wrong.

Willmafrockfit · 03/03/2024 07:04

Voone · 03/03/2024 07:02

Offering a babysitter is very different to telling you "you're not bringing your baby and this person is going to be babysitting your child". Fuck that

Show quote history

come on we only have op's point of view,
what actually happened, how it was phrased, we wont know!

user1492757084 · 03/03/2024 07:04

So just say, No thanks. And don't accept the offer.

Starspangledrodeopony · 03/03/2024 07:05

BarrelOfOtters · 03/03/2024 07:02

They are probably clubbing together to pay for your flight home. It’s lucky though for you as you’ve managed to make someone else’s wedding all about you.

You sound exceptionally hard work….and I feel sorry for your husband.

You don’t know the backstory. And do you think them expecting the OP and H to leave their breastfed 8 month old behind in the UK for two weeks is reasonable?

Sconenjam · 03/03/2024 07:05

Agree with option B

However, it’s not reasonable to not allow your DD to get to know and spend time with her grandparents. She will hold this against you when she grows up and finds out.

I think long term that will affect your marriage because your dh may understandably want to take her with him when he goes to visit in future.

Poppyzo · 03/03/2024 07:06

I think your sister in law has acted selfishly. They are dh family. But you don’t have to see them often. Don’t go to the wedding explain why. There doesn’t need to be arguments etc. Your baby needs you simple. For your dh it’s better if you can them at times. I wouldn’t make it hard because of him.

Voone · 03/03/2024 07:07

Willmafrockfit · 03/03/2024 07:04

come on we only have op's point of view,
what actually happened, how it was phrased, we wont know!

Show quote history

It doesn't really matter how it was phrased, because they are insisting that she do it.
She said in the OP that she was 'apparently unreasonable' if she does anything other than option A, and that the SIL is refusing to have the baby at the wedding.

So it sounds like this was more than just a sentence.

user1492757084 · 03/03/2024 07:09

We really don't know if they ever thought that.
That was Op's assessment after being asked to a child free wedding. Upon first reading that I thought Op's judgement was extreme.

Many people bring children and use babysitters.

Voone · 03/03/2024 07:09

Starspangledrodeopony · 03/03/2024 07:03

Why didn’t anyone in the family want to meet the husband’s baby?! That’s what I can’t figure out. Because they hate the OP and the baby is part her? It’s crazy to want them to leave the child in the UK.

Yes that's bizarre.
They were over for Christmas so they met her then but I would have thought they would have been excited to see her again!

beAsensible1 · 03/03/2024 07:10

RandomForest · 03/03/2024 05:56

Funny how MILs are always the villans and DILs the saints - typical MN.

I've always found there's usually a pretty stupid or self entitled SIL involved in the mix.

Op I would have flown home, but if finances don't allow go for option B, but you do realise you may spend longer than 1 day alone, I should imagine his family may wish to monopolise/see him and the baby during the 2 weeks.

The truth is they lied and got you there under false pretenses, I would have been upset to.

i don't think its fair to call it monopolising when he lives so far away

Who knows when or if they'll see him and baby again.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 03/03/2024 07:11

She went to the effort to find a babysitter for you.

For a child who, as far as OP and her DH were aware, didn't need a babysitter because they were invited to the wedding!
You can't say that a breastfed child can attend a wedding, and then a week beforehand present the parents with a babysitter and expect gratitude and credit for finding childcare.

marmaduke12 · 03/03/2024 07:13

HomeWard93 · 02/03/2024 23:32

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

Completely lost about the babysitting, but nobody, and I mean nobody I have ever met takes 4/5 days to get over the jetlag from Aus to UK. Actually never met anyone that takes more than half a day , including myself. You sleep on the plane. I mean that is a windup right there. The rest of it I am not sure who is in the right, but as you are there let your DH go to his family wedding and enjoy himself.

user1492757084 · 03/03/2024 07:16

'apparently' is the word that makes Op's story seem like she is assuming rather than having had a calm and rational discussion.

Fancy blocking DD's family until she is fifteen!!
Who does that as a gut reaction to meeting a potential babysitter?

All should reassess after jetlag has worn off and I think DH should be the one to bat for his DD and wife.
Op is feeling attacked, surprised and tired and it is his family.

Beautiful3 · 03/03/2024 07:17

B, just miss the wedding.

amidsummernightsdream · 03/03/2024 07:18

catscalledbeanz · 02/03/2024 23:57

"SIL and PIL are blocked and DH has passed on that neither I or my DD (until she is old enough to make the decision herself) will see them or have anything to do with them again. "

My god what an over reaction! Particularly in the week of a wedding. Why are you making it about you? Agree to disagree, say you can't attend without dd and graciously bow out. DONT MAKE A SCENE FGS! There's no need. They live literally on the other side of the world so this won't crop up often. Very time your invited claim prior commitment or poverty- when people live in Australia it's fucking easy to avoid them without the need for confrontation! Why on earth make such a drama?!?! You are making a villain of yourself!

Exactly this, your SIL is absolutely in the wrong for doing this but your drama in response is ridiculous. By all means say yiu cant/ wont go without dd but the blocking and wanting to come home, very immature

Voone · 03/03/2024 07:22

user1492757084 · 03/03/2024 07:16

'apparently' is the word that makes Op's story seem like she is assuming rather than having had a calm and rational discussion.

Fancy blocking DD's family until she is fifteen!!
Who does that as a gut reaction to meeting a potential babysitter?

All should reassess after jetlag has worn off and I think DH should be the one to bat for his DD and wife.
Op is feeling attacked, surprised and tired and it is his family.

I would phrase a sentence that way all the time when I'm describing something unreasonable someone has said or suggested to me.

For example with one of my kids only yesterday I told my friend that "apparently I'm ridiculous because I don't want to drive in the snow".

I don't think the blocking was as a result of meeting a potential babysitter, I think it was because of the whole interaction that followed.

InSpainTheRain · 03/03/2024 07:23

I'd do B. 3 reasons: travelling that far with all the baby stuff would be difficult; jetlag on top of jetlag is horrible especially for DD; don't let your inlaws think they are driving a wedge between you both.