You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

Go part time?

Is he definately working while he is out of the house all those hours? I’ve known men to either be having an affair, out doing hobbies /pub or just fannying about on the internet in the office when they are supposed to be working

Why should she.

What, jeopardise her career and earning power for a selfish man she cannot trust to have her back.

No bloody way.

You might find this article helpful re: possible ADHD -

https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/feb/08/adhd-diagnosis-marriage-counseling-family

Emily Farris has also written further articles on her blog -
https://cupofjo.com/2024/01/30/adhd-marriage-emily-farris/

& published a book -
https://thatemilyfarris.com/

I hope these are some use to you & wishing you all the best OP x

Would a nanny not suit better? Then they can help out around the house etc.. washing cleaning food shop, organising things. I feel like he feels entitled, and is old fashioned in his views? And he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings? Maybe you should stop giving a shit about his feelings, and see if he notices? Stop doing anything for him, grow a back bone (sorry) you seem like you a bit of a push over, and he is taking advantage.
when I had pnd I felt like I needed validation from my boyfriend. But once I got help, therapy and medication it helped me come back to normality almost, and I realised how I felt wasn’t Normal.

@doyoulikeflowers Seriously start planning you're escape from this man, he's taking the fucking piss out of you big time. Once you leave him he can then learn that its not so easy balancing work and home when his slave isn't there to do it for him. OP you're worth so much more than this man, do you really want him as an example for your DS on how to treat a woman? Because if this continues your son will think this is acceptable and will treat you and his sister and future DP like gis father does. He's a an abusive husband and a piss poor father and he doesn't have an ounce of empathy in him. Leave and rebuild your life and self worth and confidence and your kids will be better off away from him.

I am quitting my job unfortunately. But I will find a new one.

My job has been absolutely toxic the last few months and has really worn me down, on top of everything going on at home.

I will get a new job, locally- which will mean I have to go to an office. I think that will make a difference to our home set up.

You should see how run down I have become over the last three months. I was going to quit in January but decided I'll try to stay until the end of March and I actually wish I had just quit then.

Daily headaches, fevers, exhaustion and I'm actually pretty sure I'm depressed as well at the moment.

And all on top of the fact that I'm already unwell.

It's actually madness I've tried to stick with my job for so long. H doesn't want me to quit deep down.

He's concerned being the one to support everyone fully, as he's never done it. However I think it will just be a matter of time until I find something new. I don't want to rush my decision though. And looking for a new job, while trying to keep down my job was just too much for me to do.

In any case, I know he's nervous and because he always thinks of the bottom line, he doesn't like it deep down. Even though he can see it's absolutely ruining me.

And my kids to be honest. This week I've noticed how hard I'm finding looking after them. I'm just so tired.

Anyway, H has been all nice all week- supportive etc. then last night I was talking about my job situation and saying that I can't believe I have stuck with this toxic job for so long and how I'm literally disintegrating and don't recognise myself at all. He just ignored my comments entirely - he does this quite often. I said well don't you agree and he said ' what do you want me to say '.

In any case, no he doesn't agree or give a shit, as usual. He literally doesn't care that I'm killing myself and that I look like a complete mess and I'm crying all the time. If it was up to him, I would just keep going and suck it up.

I got angry and said that I wished he just said ' you're so right, I can tell you're really trying to make it work, but it just doesn't and you can get something that suits you better. Your health and the wellbeing of the children is the top priority here- not this job that's killing you'

I'm not saying I need his permission, but surely a husband who loves his wife, would acknowledge her pain? He again just kind of ignores it.

He should also have said something along the lines of ' don't worry, when you have a new job, we'll put stuff in place so that you're not as run down ' etc etc.

@doyoulikeflowers he is not going to change and you will still be stressed out and run down in the next job because the key problem - your H - still exists.

Keep the job and ditch the husband

I could have written your post 2 years ago

The job is an absolute nightmare, I won't subject myself to any longer.

So is the husband haha.

I'll find a new job and then go from there.

@doyoulikeflowers I don't imagine you'd have found the job anywhere near as stressful, draining or toxic if you'd had support at home.

From what you've said about the husband, getting an office job just means you'll be doing all you are now with a commute on top. It's not going to get easier until he has a massive personality change or you leave him.

You're right.

However once I do find a new job etc, I will consider a housekeeper, several times a week to help.

However, I know that doesn't eliminate the actual problem.

But I don't want to make any big decisions right now. I'm not in the right state of mind at all.

I want to get back on my feet and stronger first and then I'll need to make some decisions.

Sounds like you will be infinitely better off without him. I'm so angry on your behalf. He's should be doing half or more of everything at the weekends to make up for not being around during the week.

Sounds sensible OP. If your whole life is on fire it's impossible to sort everything out at once or think sensibly. Quit job, bit of extra rest at home whilst applying for new stuff to get yourself better, then before starting your new job get yourself in the right place for success (I.e. with housekeeper). Then have conversations with husband about how things need to change. For now I'd just try to cut him out of any important decisions for you (eg leaving your job) that you think he will undermine as you don't have the strength for a fight on top of everything else. You know he's not the supportive partner you need right now so don't involve him where he doesn't need to be involved in your decisions. Then once you're feeling a bit better you can try for some joint decision making again and see whether the relationship ultimately adds value to you and kids' lives or diminishes it.

I read your thread … to anyone who is going to quit their job I always say no, wait til you have another offer in place. Quitting rings alarm bells. Take sick leave - you said you were taking some sick leave. You still get paid for 6 months so go to your doctor n get signed off. Use the time to sort out a new job.

@DownDame I can't do that as it's a finite contract.

So they can just not renew it. I want to exit on my own terms.

I will be fine.

@doyoulikeflowers good decision, I would not have expected him to react well (even though you always hope) as he’s not currently capable of it, but glad you’re doing it anyway. I wish I’d stopped wfh years ago and a short spell out of work won’t be a problem for the next job/contract.

otoh having inadequate support, and yourself and the children being sick, that will always be a problem.

Understood. In that case, bite the bullet! Stop. If my husband worked I would bin alot of my clients .. Put yourself first. Big hugs!

I know I sound like a broken record but wouldn't it be easier to get someone in to do all the house work and sort the kids than to find a suitable well paid job or divorce your sub optimal DH. You need to think straight and with all the white noise and pressure, it is simply impossible. Finding a new job / leaving DH can still be done later with the helper in situ - at least then you would have the leisure to do it in your own time. Also, I thought you said you have already found someone that can potentially do it?

I think you've made the right decision. You need a break not more work. Even if you do split from your husband at some point, you're not in a fit state to manage all the fallout from that at the moment.

If I were your Mum, I'd advise at least 3 months to build yourself up again before you even start looking for another job. During that time, keep having the cleaners (make DH pay for this), go to the gym, have regular spa days with massages and go for long walks where you can repair your stressed out mind.

Your husband is a monumental @$*&^%$.

Long term, your life will be better without him.

Honestly.

He's a dick and you deserve better.

I would cut down the hours and fire cleaner and deliveroo etc and that will save you £1000pm. Get your iron checked too. Enjoy the time with your children

Yeah this is what my mum says indeed. In addition she wants to go on holiday etc and for me to visit with the children.

I will keep an eye out for any opportunities even from now, but I really want to choose the right company and right role this time. Even if it takes a little longer.

He can easily afford to pay for everything for a while and I've seen lots of people in my sector having time out and then getting back into work a few months later. I think it's the norm at the moment as there are a lot of lay offs. I have skills/ education and experience, plus have a big network. I have an ex boss I know would take me today in his new company but I don't want to start yet.

I actually need a break for my health and sanity.

Good decision op, I’ve been a contractor and it’s very normal to take breaks between contracts.
I don’t know you but have been following your thread. I feel proud of you this morning for taking the first steps to get your life back.

@doyoulikeflowers
I agree that you're making the right decision. I think that H's reaction absolutely shows where his priorities lie. Do not be tempted to justify your decision to him any further and just ignore any attempts to discuss it further from him - after this seems to work for him. Look up the 'grey rock' technique and start applying it. Most importantly STOP justifying yourself to him and don't have any more of these deep convo's about how you feel - he doesn't care and you are only hurting yourself while you're looking for validation from him. You are not going to get what you need from him and you know this because if he was going to give it then he would have by now. Accept that it's not going to happen. Start withdrawing yourself emotionally and mentally from him and your marriage.

Now going forwards you need to roughly outline a plan. These are not in any particular order except the first suggestion which you should absolutely do first!

Go and have a break with your kids at your Mum's to recharge your batteries.

When you feel more rested then start sourcing either a nanny or/and a housekeeper.

Get an ADHD/MH assessment done and then either sort CBT or meds to manage it.

Please consider seeing your GP to get your current state of distress recorded officially and WHY you're in a state of distress - don't sugar coat it and tell it as it is in that H is abusing you. You need to start laying the groundwork to later refute that it's all down to you being 'mad/incapable' etc when he gets nasty and starts to accusing you of being mentally unstable via a very bloated/nasty lawyer.

Start looking for a new job. Accept a job that is right for you and your current circumstances.

Do a list of things that need doing at home like sorting the kids toys/clothes and
bag up the outgrown stuff to donate to charity. Some charities (like BHF) will even come and collect your donation stuff.

Start sourcing an experienced DV solicitor and have a consultation. They will be able to tell you what to start looking for with regards to documentation regarding savings and investments etc. Don't believe for a nanosecond that he will play fair because he won't and you need to prepare for that.

Keep a diary of all the things that he says and does going forward. If you need help with something then ask once and when he says no (or yes) then not mention it again but just record it in your diary. If he berates you then record it in your notebook. Screen shot messages and send copies to a separate email account created just for this and any emails from solicitors etc - keep it secret.

You're paying for a life coach so use them to help you construct a list and coach you through the list.

Most importantly, come back here (to your post) if you need help or advice. When you're wavering or confused to re-read what you have written here and the advice that you've received. Consider contacting a local women's aid group for advice and support. Even if you don't/can't do anything immediately their advice and support could be invaluable later.
You have come so far and you have a far longer journey to go but we all wish you the best of luck and send all our strength.

I wouldn't advise trying to get an assessment for ADHD or any kind of mental health issue yet. If you decide to divorce him, he could use that as a reason why you 'couldn't cope' rather than the truth, which is that his emotional abuse has beaten you down to such a low place that you barely recognise yourself in the mirror.

You could definitely see the GP to register his abuse but be careful that it's not recorded as your mental health contributed to your husband's behaviour because it's the other way around.