You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

@doyoulikeflowers I read your posts with a mixture of sadness and some familiarity, too. I have 2 under 5 and similarly have found this period overwhelmingly tough. The constant bugs, the housework, the cooking, the never ending laundry. God I totally get it. My DH didn’t do any nights unless the kids were poorly (then thankfully he was always concerned and involved as any parent would be). I breastfed both and it wasn’t until my supply dwindled with the second that he had to help with a bottle, as she wouldn’t take it from me. Many men don’t get involved until they have to, sad but true.

What I find disturbing is the character assassination and gaslighting. We all have an inner critic, yours is on the outside too. I hope you have the strength to leave if he remains unchanged, because ultimately that behaviour is detrimental to your wellbeing and damaging to your children.

I do not have a perfect marriage, as alluded to in the context provided. I have sometimes wondered if we’d be better co-parenting and separating - but this isn’t about me or my marriage, this is about you. Just know you’re not alone. The early years are unbelievably tough. But your husband made a vow to you and he needs reminding of that.

I don't understand why it's your job to put his clean laundry away and keep his drawers and wardrobe tidy

WTF

He has the weekend free to do it!!

Your working hours including childcare and domestic tasks are just as long as his!!! He is utterly taking the piss not expecting to do his share at the weekend.

Maybe not, but she's also stressed and tired and needs a break

His answer is not good enough. He NEEDS to take time off when his kids are unwell. He has completely outsourced parenting and housekeeping to you, in a one-sided agreement with himself. This is NOT OK. It's his house and his children 50-50 with you do he must do 50-50 of tasks. Now he treats your home as a hotel that just happens to have other unruly guests (kids) and a housemaid (you) who he can order around. Stop accepting this. Sit down and ask what's his contribution going to be: paying for help, getting time off, making sure you get one full day off every weekend, ensuring you get half of the week nights to rest. If he says no, it's time for couple's counselling. And don't let him slip.

Tell him to fuck off OP. If he wants ironed shirts he needs to stop sleeping in, swanning around in his dressing gown, running away to his study to catch some TV and iron his own shirts.

It is not your job to be the sole answer to his domestic issues. He needs to man up and start realising the chores, shopping, child care etc are 50% his responsibility regardless of the hours he chooses to put in at work.

If he mentions he pays for everything again, then suggest to him you'll contribute equally if he does his 50% share. That will shut him up.

If he leaves home at 5.30 am and returns at 8.30pm that is a 15hr day. Does he have a long commute? If so he could do the food shop on line, organise insurance etc etc whilst commuting. It is not your responsibility alone.

The man is abusing you. It is sickening to read at what level. He is cruel, lazy and a piss poor father. Utterly disgusted there are pricks like this treating women like Stepford wives.

Please LTB. The issue is with him NOT YOU!

Seriously, there is no job that he cannot take a day off for sick kids every now and then if he is physically in the home overnight.

Why did he have kids if he cannot take emergency unpaid leave (which he fucking can) when they need?

I just read your updates. You know it's not about cleaning. It's about how he treats you. He's pegged you as unpaid help really. You're not partners nor lovers, you're not even colleagues in your 'home enterprise' which would be an acceptable status with young kids. You are his housemaid. Stop it.

The nexts steps are:
Counseling
Task allocation (why is it your problem to sort his stuff like clothes?)
He sorts out his work so that he doesn't surf on your labour all the time (I know you said he can't but it means he won't. Everyone CAN if they must)
Trial separation if needed.
Get a divorce lawyer/adviser asap and make sure he won't hide assets. Maybe you don't need to divorce but you shouldn't share a house either. It's not working until he gets a wake-up call of losing you.

I’m glad you are getting life coaching OP and it sounds like good advice. If you leave aside your husband, have you & the life coach discussed developing skills/tools you could use to help you manage a 6 figure job, 2 kids and a house.

Tbh I don’t know where to start with your husband. There’s so much to digest. Firstly, if you are making 6 figures why does he feel he is paying for everything. Also, if you are paying for the cleaner, groceries etc he clearly isn’t paying for everything.

Would he be open to some kind of crisis family meeting. Can you get a babysitter for a few hours and use the time to sit down with your husband look at your budget and the household to-do list. Get notebooks, highlighters, a calendar - the lot. Then you try to agree who pays for what & who does what.

Id suggest that you start the conversation by trying to both acknowledge what the other finds hard. I think this would be a key opportunity for you to point out that you work full time.

Have you thought about your marriage post- kids i.e. once the kids are off doing their own thing. You both sound like you somewhat despise the other.

Yeah I've been having life coaching / career coaching for a few weeks now. I think it's been useful.

He says he pays for 'everything' all the time and doesn't recognise what I pay for.

But yeah he pays for a lot. Like mortgage, car insurance, bills, nursery for 1 child and any house upgrades he wants to make. There have been a few lately. New tyres, we recently spilt then cost.

I pay for all the food we eat, any takeaways of course. Also, the other child's nursery fees. Clothes / nappies for my kids. All household things like cleaning materials, cleaners, ironing service for his shirts, any new towels, sheets, pillows we need from time to time etc. presents for children, all of our children's birthday parties ( including cakes, decorations etc ). We recently had a big birthday for my DD that cost me more than 500 pounds to invite all her friends to a soft play etc. all school uniform items ( DD goes to a school nursery ). This is just what I can think of, off the top of my head. But yes, anything house and child related - I pay for. Also if for example I take my children to see my parents, I pay for the flights and that kind of thing and that's actually quite a big expense nowadays. I try to go at least twice a year.

Honestly divorce him. Once you're out of this period of life with young kids etc. You will look back and hate him. He should be telling you stay home look after yourself and the babies and he will take care of the rest. He literally wants a work horse out of you. I bet he looks at you and sees £ signs because you earn 100k. But gets pissed because home life isn't perfect. He himself doesn't know what the fuck he wants. I will never understand men who make their women have kids then expect them to work whilst the kids are still in nappies!

He wants a traditional and working wife out of you but he himself is no where near traditional. He's kidding himself if he thinks he pays for everything. I honestly do not know how you're being so calm with this dickhead. I would have ripped him another arsehole by now. I honestly would hit the fucking roof. You have to understand that he needs you more than you need him. But right now he feels like he has all the power. He has nothing if he doesn't have you or the kids functioning or even living with him.

Tidy as you go as well. Have a system, don't let the mess build or it becomes hard to get back from it.

It sounds like he wants what my husband has and that’s a full time house wife that pays half the bills.

BUT, my kids are older, you are still really in the thick of it. I manage because I use the commute time to do the house things ( kids leave independently at 7.35 am) I wasn’t able to do as much when I had to do school runs / nursery etc or when I worked from the office.

I don’t have a cleaner but the kids also no longer have loads of STUFF. It was much harder to keep tidy when they had all the toys etc.

Reading all your posts makes me really sad, he doesn’t seem to value or understand you and that’s the worst bit. This isnt about housework, this is about respect.

I feel like I say it a million times on here. I really think if you are married with kids then all income should go into joint account, small amount goes back out into each of you to have a personal account to what you like with. Then any surplus goes into joint savings (and making sure pensions are even) I really feel it stops a lot on the mine and yours thing and that one persons role is worth more because of remuneration. You are in this together.

I've been reading your thread OP

He sounds absolutely horrible. He really does. You both work full time, yet he criticises how much you pay for things, and also criticises how badly you do all his share of the housework, he blames you for all his own shortcomings (its your fault he is messy because you 'don't give him time' to put his clothes away') away, and then criticises your solutions to improving your life.

His only concession is that he will 'do his own laundry'...that should be a basic that an adult would do their own / their own share of laundry surely.

How dare he refuse to partake in family life, absolve himself of all responsibility to look after sick kids, run the house etc...and then criticise how you do it. How fucking dare he. Can you imagine criticising anyone in life who was doing you a massive favour?

Please start thinking about how your life would look like if you left him. It might not be perfect but surely there will be less for you to do (one person's laundry less for example) and i suspect that no longer having someone constantly dripping criticism in your ear will be life changing in terms of stress and happiness

See to me this is weird. Me and my partner have separate accounts for our finances but we don't birate the other for paying less some months. Although it goes into two different accounts because we're a team and a partnership it all comes out the same pot. You're £5 short? That's cool I'll pay and cover it. That's how we've always been because as a couple you're a team. Odd behaviour, he really is a screaming red flag OP and you need to get out as soon as you can. Serve Jim with divorce papers on his birthday, take your children and run!

I suspect part of the reason you go to bed so early is to avoid him and his criticisms.

Hi OP, have you considered Gousto or Hello Fresh instead of a food shop? Much handier than having to meal plan as you get all your ingredients for weekly meals. Not the cheapest way of feeding your family for the week but sounds like it might be cheaper than your current approach!

Err,no. Have you read everything? She works damn hard and, let's be honest, is doing well in the circumstances. She doesn't need "tips" that imply she's not doing it well enough

You both work yes he works late but he can do something. Get your shop delivered, he can wash up and use the machine. If he did something every night it would help. I’m a Sahm and struggle as one at home and one at school - lots to do and cleaning with a toddler is not easy

Or because you can't stand him and don't want to have sex with him for which wouldn't blame you!

Yes, I think you have to get full on, nuclear level angry with him, OP. A marriage-threatening level of righteous fury. At the moment he seems to have filled you with so much self doubt that you're letting this absolute shithead off the hook.

Wow. He sounds like a total shit. Why are you with this man? Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like? How you want your kids to see him treat you? The role model you want your kids to grow up with?

He is behaving like you are his own personal maid (or more like it, slave). He sounds a dreadful, shitty bully & a complete waste of space. You are basically a single mum doing everything alone, while he gets to gallivant around doing whatever he wants.

Just stop. Get yourself some therapy, work out how to stand up for yourself & work out what you want from life yourself. Because this awful man will never stop treating you like shit.

For context, my husband is a high earner (think top 5%) with a full time, high pressure job & work travel - he still does masses to help manage the household & spends time with the kids, supports me with my job & just generally all round is very respectful of the work it takes to keep a household with kids running.

He plans & executes the weekly food shop, meal plans & preps & cooks at least 80% of all our meals every week & he does all the washing up. He does bath & bedtime with both the kids at least 2-3 times every week. He does school & nursery drop off & pick up at least one day a week, sometimes 2 if he’s able to. He deals with laundry & helps put clothes away. He does a lot of general tidying around the place. We used to have a cleaner but decided by mutual agreement to stop the service so we could save more money for the kids’ future (& partly because we’re paying a fortune in childcare costs for nursery at the moment), so he takes the kids out to the park & playground most weekends so I can get the bathrooms & kitchen cleaned & hoover & dust the place. When the kids were babies he would always do the night shifts nearly every Friday & Saturday night so that I could get a full night’s sleep at least a few times a week.

Currently I only work part time, 4 days a week, so that I can have one day a week for dedicated time with our youngest & he still does all of the above, without a word of complaint & acknowledges himself that it’s his home & therefore his responsibility too.

OP your husband has zero respect or empathy for you whatsoever. If he behaved this way at work he would be hated by his colleagues, put on a performance improvement plan & then NDA’d out asap if it got no better fast. He’ll obviously make an effort where he thinks it’s valuable to him to do so, but not otherwise.

Why is he in your life if he contributes nothing, makes you do it all alone anyway & criticises you to boot?! Surely something has to change & the only person who can make that happen is you because he’s clearly not going to.

Yeah, you always get someone showing up saying “well we have separate finances and it works for us” but I just couldn’t imagine having these petty “I paid for this, you didn’t pay for that” discussions.

I say this as the higher earner in our household by quite a margin, by the way. The mortgage and household bills do come out of my account but I never think of it as “I pay for them” as it is family money.

I work full time. So does my husband.

the only way it works for us is BOTH of us pulling our weight in the house (we’ve got only one child, who is 8, so not as full on as a preschooler)

if DS is ill, we tag team to look after him.

I couldn’t do what you are doing. It would break me