You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

Thanks for this.

You know why I again tried to engage him in a conversation about how I was feeling etc. I was looking to see if he showed no empathy again.

He grey rocks me, all the time.

By just staying silent when I say I'm suffering.

Then this week when I had a crying / screaming break down, he was all nice to me for a few days...

I was testing him to see if this is actually for real. It's not.

He said he was just trying to have his dinner and I was having a go at him for not reacting right to what I was saying.

Then things broke down and he called me a joke. He often calls me a joke, it's his fave line.

@doyoulikeflowers The joke is on him - you’re wise to it now. I would, during the break in employment, very quietly and slowly, start to package up your life and think ahead to when he’s not around to bully you anymore. When you’re in a state of mind to declutter, think - will the kids and I need this when he’s gone/we’ve left? Honestly visualising that freedom may well give you that armour of resilience where he’s concerned - mentally you’ve checked out. He can’t hurt you anymore.

He's unsympathetic, that much you have long established. I would therefore think very hard before quitting a well paid job. I quitted my well paid job when we had children (but still had an income from my investment for my own spending), the deterioration in attitude from my ex was nothing short of astounding and we had agreed that's what we would do for a few years. If your DH does not agree with you leaving your job and you are to rely on him entirely financially, there'll be more than a few snide remarks. It's all very well to say leave him and get half but divorce is both expensive and time consuming. You want to divorce on your own term and timing. Get your house and kids sorted (which you can afford with your current income without his help and hopefully he would shut up about the state of the home), then sort your job and plan your exit from this marriage, otherwise the misery that is sure to arise from having to beg for money may well push you over the line. Unless of course you have other means of income and can live well without his help until the divorce settlement.

Get some advice from a very experienced solicitor that gets good outcomes for your situation. It seriously may be irrelevant whether you are earning or not.

I would tell him you need him to put £x extra into the joint account per month to cover what you usually pay for.

If you get a job that isn't WFH then perhaps you can teloi's at a nanny.

It's very sad how little he cares for you.

If you went on an extended visit to your parents would he actually care?

Can you negotiate a divorce and contact from there, not sure he would even want EOW tbh.

Oh OP it sounds like you're realising what an abusive relationship this is. With the income the 2 of you have you should be able to outsource anything you need to but somehow you take home 6 figures, he takes home double and yet you have no money while he is merrily saving.
Things you bring to the table
Working
Childcare
Shopping
Cooking
Arranging / cleaning
Laundry
"Dealing with tradesmen"

Things husband brings
Working
Gaslighting
Making extra jobs for you

I think you're at a crossroads. 1 - do you want the marriage to continue? You need to think whether things will change, whether you would be happy solo parenting, what effect seeing his treatment of mummy is having on your children. If his family are also uneasonably blaming you, it's toxic.

Then, if you do to stay, make things change, so what if he's disappointed, YOURE disappointed in how shit a husband he is. He can clean up his own mess, do his own ironing etc, if its that easy for you along with your 100 other tasks he shouldn't mind. Get some playdates set up, build yourself some mum friends for support. Do the MN favourite weaponised incompetence. "Yes husband you're right, I'm so rubbish at this task, you're so great YOU do it and show me how it's done". Sort the finances, money should be going into a joint pot for all the joint expenses. I'd be amazed if his "share" is anywhere near yours. Let me guess, he decided who would pay for what?

Or leave. Run your life on your terms, start to enjoy life again, build a happy home for your children. Decide if you want to go back to work or be a SAHM, take just in case legal advice now, position yourself accordingly for the divorce.

Good luck and keep posting his gaslighting on here so we can all keep telling you what a total shit he is. I've got 2 children under 5 aswell, it's bloody tough, you need help not judgement x

Quit the job and really throw yourself into the house sorting organising etc. get some good storage, labels, the works. Get meal planning with a four weekly rota, and online shopping set up with the favourites. Self care for yourself too. See how things are in 2 months, are you saving money with no cleaner ironed etc, are you happier, is dh happier and are you happier together. Would you prefer to go back to now with all the stress, do you want a pt job or do you want a ft job again with the housekeeper.

@doyoulikeflowers
"He grey rocks me, all the time"
No, this is not grey rocking you - this is what is called 'stone walling' which is a coercive/abuse means of control. By being silent/laughing/ sarcastic and/or dismissive he is showing that whatever you do/think/say has no value and immediately shuts down the discussion or request. It is designed to take the wind out of your sails and put you back in your box and administers a patronising pat on the head. When he smirks he is confirming to himself/congratulating himself that he has succeeded in putting you back in your place because your confusion/sadness/despair is plain to see on your face. You need to practice keeping a bland neutral expression when dealing with him. Practice some neutral replies like "hmm, yes I will have a think about that", "ok, I may see if that's possible", " I will look at that later on" or just "okay" etc. Deliver the comment in a vague distracted fashion so that it's non committal and then change the subject the something innocuous or about him like "I thought that traffic/tube/train looked bad this morning - how did you find it?", "excuse me I need the loo" or "I've just got to go and top up the kids going out bag" etc. It changes the subject back to him or removes you from the room ending the previous conversation. It's a trick/method that is easy to learn and helps you to not react to opening yourself up to more stonewalling or dismissive behaviour.

@Shetlands brings up a valid point about getting an ADHD/MH assessment now and it then being used against you. This is always a possibility and is something that you should carefully think about. You should still see your GP and have the mental/emotional abuse recorded but make it plain that you are absolutely capable of caring for the children but that your H is placing you under pressure etc. Definitely approach a DV group to get some support as this will be completely confidential. If researching for DV groups use a VPN if at home or take the children on a lovely library trip and use the library computers - the library may also know who to contact locally too.

Think you need to see a GP as well. You sound seriously run down - check iron levels, vit D etc. Plus yes probably depressed too.

I have to say that focusing on labelling things like @Strictlymad won’t sort your horrible husband out

Then things broke down and he called me a joke. He often calls me a joke, it's his fave line.

The more I read of this man the more horrible he sounds. Who speaks this way to someone they love?

You keep saying you need to be in a better place to leave him. I think he knows that, and he will ensure you're never in a better place. I think you have it backwards, that you need to leave him to get to a better place.

@doyoulikeflowers
Just out of interest OP - did the H make any effort for Mother's Day?

He did actually. First time he has made any effort.

@doyoulikeflowers
In that case watch yourself very carefully. He hasn't had a sudden epiphany but he does sense that your stance towards him has changed. He probably sensed that things are subtly different and he's looking to head off 'the rebellion' and/or study you to see what has changed in order to change tactics to put you back in the box to resume full control. These types of abusers are highly attuned to these small changes and will change tactics to continue their control. Enjoy the thought that he put into mother's day but don't be fooled by what it means - it doesn't mean anything and you should not feel grateful to him for acknowledging something that he should do anyway as a relationship standard.

Yes Mr Nice suddenly appears...

Have you read "why does he do that" by Lundy?

I think you will recognise his behaviour in there.

I finally quit my job. It's done.

I'm feeling quite relieved. I wonder how these next few months will pan out for me.

My employers were relieved I quit I think. No one tried to keep me and I even had negative bashing's about it being clear to everyone that I couldn't handle my home life because my kids were sometimes around when I did calls ( when they were sick ). I guess I tried to work through the sick times if I had important internal calls, it was better to have them around, then miss calls entirely. I never had the kids on customer calls.

Anyway when I do find another job when I feel ready for it, things have to change completely. Because it's detrimental to my self esteem that I can't do my job and literally, my career has suffered the consequences of not being able to keep it all together. Now I am literally suffering financially for having a husband who just can't support me to have my career.

However I do think for my health, it's best to have a break.

I was doing two full time jobs. Now I just have one.

Your job was detrimental to your health because of your husband @doyoulikeflowers . Because of him you have had to give up your job. This puts you in a very vulnerable position. What will you do if you find a job that is office based and the kids get sick?
He is the problem. You seem focused on the wrong thing.
It’s like having a bad headache but deciding that what you need are antacids and then it will all be better.
Why are you refusing to listen to what everyone is saying to you?

I did say ' I'm suffering financially because my husband can't support my career '.

I do get it. I'm not refusing to listen, just because I'm not going to leave my husband tomorrow., doesn't mean I'm not listening. I already said that I need to get stronger in myself and recover, before I can potentially be in a headspace where I can make those kinds of decisions.

The job had to go and yes, it was largely / mainly due to the fact I just couldn't keep up with it because my husband is never around and when he is around he's grumpy and unhappy about things and puts me down.

If my job in the future is more office based and involves travel etc. we will need to get a housekeeper and put other provisions in place. I will not take another job until something completely changes. Either him, entirely or he can pay for us to have proper help.

I don't feel that vulnerable because I have a very very supportive family who will not let me down, financially or otherwise. They've made sure I'm financially secure, even without him and without a job. I don't want to get into specifics but I'm very lucky in that regard.

However that doesn't mean I want to stop working forever, because I've studied hard to get to where I am and I've worked hard too and my work (when going well) gives me a lot of confidence and joy and purpose.

In which case you have lots of options.

I get not being strong enough to leave. And I appreciate you wanting to talk to people. But you are posting and asking questions. Peoples answers are always going to be to leave him. So I am not sure how helpful this is to you. It’s likely making you feel worse.

It doesn't make me feel worse.

I'm not entirely in denial that maybe I do need to leave him. It's helpful to write the honest truth and get people's perspectives because I even gaslight myself constantly.

So if that's the truth that some posters come to, then that's ok and I'm not offended by it or upset by it.

I don't have ANYONE apart from my mum I talk to in real life and, as I'm sure you can imagine - I did not have good role models growing up, to see what a healthy relationship looks like. So, it's actually really helpful to read that so many women would not take this shit. Because wherever I look in my immediate family, women take so much shit.

You've quit 100k /year job so you can sort your husbands shirts etc?

Being so financially secure that this is an option is a privilege you shouldn't be throwing away.

I hope in a few weeks when you have yet more evidence that it's not the job that's the problem you'll make progress on leaving.

Arrange some counselling sessions for midweek while you have the chance

If I hadn't quit, they would have got rid of me. I just tried to save my dignity.

Judging from the reactions from your boss / colleagues, your job probably wouldn't have lasted anyway. I don't imagine your husband would be too pleased but at least you can focus on getting some rest and sorting the house and kids out. See how it goes and don't do anything rash. There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM especially if you have means to cover your own personal spendings. Do have a conversation with your DH going forward, you need to agree on the format on how the family is going to be run.

It wouldn't and that really added to my stress and made me feel really bad about myself. As everyone was putting me under a lot of pressure too. Checking if I knew stuff, making it clear they did not believe in me etc. it's been really really and for my self esteem.

I also didn't want them to end it. I wanted to be in control of when it ends.

Failing at work, failing at home, failing the kids.

I know I was not personally failing at home, but that's how it has felt.

It's just all been a mess.

You’ve quit your job? That’s gonna make your husband stop thinking you’re the one who should be doing all the childcare/housework and calling you a joke when you complain.
Or maybe not.

Just don’t get financially dependent on this man or you may be stuck with him.

Well done. I get it, I’ve done exactly the same. And I’ve come out the other side and found a better employer that is absolutely fine with kids being on internal calls when they’re sick as long as the work gets done. Not all firms are so tough either.

it’s painful mentally after a lot of career success to end something like that but it was clearly the right thing for now.