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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have not offered any food with the wine?

253 replies

CosyDogs · 02/03/2024 16:34

One of my friends wanted to watch a fight on TV but had no subscription to the channel that it was on. I do have a subscription but have no interest in watching fights, however I said that he and his friend could come to my house at 7pm to watch it and we can drink wine together. They bought a bottle of wine and I also provided a bottle.

While the match was on, I was in the room, but was reading as I don't like to see people fight. I wasn't completely engrossed in the book and we did chat and drink the wine. When the fight was over, we played cards, talked and opened another bottle. During the evening, my friend asked if I had any chocolate and I went to the kitchen and got a medium bar of chocolate and gave it to them. I had a small amount of chocolate as I don't usually eat late in the evening and they had the rest. They didn't ask for any more food and it didn't occur to offer anything else. They left around 11pm.

The next day, when we were talking, they mentioned that it was strange that I didn't offer them any food. I would have happily fed them, but I had already had dinner and assumed they had too and I don't usually eat that late. It simply didn't occur to me to start eating. WIBU to not offer more food? I am worried that I'm missing some obvious social standard that everyone else adheres to and I've been being a poor host.

OP posts:
needahouseindurham · 02/03/2024 21:03

I would have done snacks - crisps, nuts etc but absolutely would have not done a meal unless I had invited someone over for dinner.

We often have friends over for a games night and will specify either 'we'll get some pizzas' or 'do you want to come over for games night and nibbles' or 'a few drinks and games night' so it's clear. Even if we'd agreed just a few drinks I'd probably have a couple of bowls of crisps etc out.

Moonshine5 · 02/03/2024 21:03

Even rude people / people I don't particularly like are offered refreshments. It's not mutually exclusive and I find it a reflection on me not them.

FirstTimeMum897 · 02/03/2024 21:04

No, YANBU. I would have put crisps out at least BUT:

  1. I would not have invited 2 blokes over to watch a game I wasn't interested in so it's a strange scenario anyway.
  2. when I am invited to someone's house, say to watch a film or a game, I always bring snacks (dips etc) as it's rude not to.
  3. The appropriate action would have been for them to order pizzas.
4.They were being very rude to complain.

Overall your friend is a cheeky bastard. He just expected you to feed him because you're a woman.

alwaysmovingforwards · 02/03/2024 21:04

They invited themselves round to watch your tv subscription and are then miffed they were not also fed... they're taking the piss imo.

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/03/2024 21:11

CosyDogs · 02/03/2024 19:45

I take the point that 4 hours is a long time to go without food. I think it didn't occur to me because by that time in the evening, I'm half asleep and not wanting food. And also because it was all quite last minute, so I was just getting on with my day and not thinking of shopping for snacks or planning a social event.

I think they were rude, but on the plus side, this occasion is etched in my mind, so I won't make the mistake of forgetting to offer food again!

I take the point that 4 hours is a long time to go without food.

Only if they are pygmy shrews!

Honestly - they were the ones who ought to have been providing food - personally I wouldn't let them watch my telly again, but that's just me.

You weren't "hosting" in the true sense of the word - you were doing them a favour. They were rude and unappreciative.

Ok - a few crisps might have been nice - but it would have been nicer f they had provided them.

BungleandGeorge · 02/03/2024 21:22

They brought one bottle of wine between the two of them and no snacks? Tight! Yes it’s normal to have a few nibbles if you have people over for a drink in the evening but they should have provided it all!

Original poster
CosyDogs · 02/03/2024 21:41

SwishSwishBisch · 02/03/2024 20:50

@CosyDogs “Then I got paranoid that snacks come as standard and I had been offending all my guests.”

THESE guests were in the wrong to be offended as frankly they were utilising your home for their benefit and not yours but if, as the above quote from you suggests, not offering snacks to your other invited guests is your standard behaviour then yes, I’m afraid you probably are offending people!
If I have invited people to my house outside of meal times I would always offer biscuits/cake/crisps with whatever beverages we were having. Always. It’s just good manners.

Ok, point taken, although I've never been offended or even noticed when people don't offer me snacks at their house. I would offer biscuits if I had them and sometimes I'll go and buy them if I know someone is coming over, but as to the frequency of that happening, I couldn't tell you. Prior to this incident, the presence of biscuits or other snacks in my socialising has been so low down the priority list of things I'm thinking about when I'm with friends, that it barely even registers.

I'm amazed that people would find that offensive and poor manners, but as I've said, I won't make that mistake again.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 02/03/2024 22:02

I guess you should have made it clear that you weren't going to provide any. 7 pm is dinner time - 8pm even. But regardless if a meal I can't imagine having people over for several hours and not offering something - crisps, dip whatever! As they were two people they should have brought two bottles though, and could have piped up and suggested a takeaway when it was obvious you didn't have any food to offer.

overthestorms · 02/03/2024 22:13

You invited them to watch the fight at your house so I would consider you 'the host' (regardless of your interest in the fight). I'd defo provide some snacks / nibbles but I'd expect my pals to also bring some along as well.

Given that the fight time was 7pm it would prompt me to ask what dinner plans were. I understand you eat earlier and I do too (sometimes). But, I'd clarify if we were eating before or together.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/03/2024 22:21

I can't believe the posters putting this on you, OP. You weren't hosting, you allowed them to use your subscription which was very generous of you.

They were the ones who should have planned better, brought food if they wanted it - and enough for you should you have wanted some.

Some proper prissy handmaidens on this thread who seem to think that every woman should serve the men. I've got no issue with the posters who say that they would have done x, y z, just the ones who are saying that you should have done x, y, z.

Professionalmess · 02/03/2024 22:31

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 02/03/2024 16:40

So they didn't just want you to provide access to the fight and host them in your house but yo cater for them as well? Bog off!

This. 100%

BlueGrey1 · 02/03/2024 22:38

I would probably have given them some nibbles, crisps etc……but…..They were very rude to say to you that they thought they should have gotten food, you were doing them a favour and they should have bought nibbles themselves…….very cheeky

stayathomer · 02/03/2024 22:44

Normally everyone provides food- guest bring something, host provides something. I would have maybe found it a bit odd that you were reading with people there even if you didn’t like what they were watching. But op it’s not something to worry about x

DreamTheMoors · 02/03/2024 22:44

Nicebloomers · 02/03/2024 16:38

You aren’t running a sports bar. Tbh it would have been more of a societal norm for them to bring pizzas or similar to share as a thank you for allowing them to watch the sport at your home.

This.
”You aren’t running a sports bar.”

Blogswife · 02/03/2024 22:46

Its usual to have nibbles with wine but it’s also usual to take your host a gift and unless you’ve specifically been invited for food , to eat before you go . YANBU , your friends are rude

Moooooooooooooooooo · 02/03/2024 23:33

parietal · 02/03/2024 16:36

I think most adults eat after 7pm so the event included dinner time. But the visitors should have bought food with them or offered to pay for a takeout if they needed dinner because they invited themselves around.

Errrrr, no they don’t.

PingvsPong · 02/03/2024 23:36

DreamTheMoors · 02/03/2024 22:44

This.
”You aren’t running a sports bar.”

Show quote history

This OP.
Cheeky CF's especially after the sandwich and not only that I'd NEVER complain about someone else's hospitality.
They can pay for a sub and watch the next fight in their homes. Themselves. I wouldn't let them cross my threshold eveyr afgon

Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 03/03/2024 00:19

Personally i think it's more strange he mentioned it. They got to watch their fight for free and you all had some wine . You don't always have to offer food to guests , they weren't over for dinner at the end of the day, you was reading your book, and they watched the fight. End of .don't over think it . There will be lots of different opinions on this but at the end of the day, you didn't do anything with mean or bad intentions, you don't have to feed ppl and you did a nice thing having them over. Him and his friend.

Maddy70 · 03/03/2024 00:24

I would have invited them for pizza and wine at that time

SevenSeasOfRhye · 03/03/2024 00:31

OP owes them no food! She has let her mates encroach on her telly and her evening to watch something in which she has little or no interest; she is sharing the fruits of a subscription that they are choosing not to pay for; she is already being generous. If I were OP's friend I would be turning up with wine and chocolates for her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/03/2024 00:42

One of them text me in the morning asking if I had access to the fight, I said yes and he could come over to watch it

NUDGE NUDGE. Why else would he ask? Come on. Any normal person would have said, "thanks, that's kind to have us, I'll get in some curry".

pensione · 03/03/2024 07:31

Maddy70 · 03/03/2024 00:24

I would have invited them for pizza and wine at that time

Even though the friend doesn’t offer food when OP is invited over?

laclochette · 03/03/2024 07:38

Before I read the details I would have said it's standard to always offer nibbles when you host for drinks. But you weren't hosting in the usual way, they were borrowing your subscription. If anything, the polite thing to do would have been to bring something for you to say thanks, be it a bottle of wine just for you, some nice chocs or flowers etc.

Josette77 · 03/03/2024 07:45

Maybe it's a cultural difference but I would never have people over without offering snacks.

I'm in Canada though. Generally something is offered when hosting. Chips, veggies, and dip. Or chips and salsa. Something simple.

LolaSmiles · 03/03/2024 07:48

I can't believe the posters putting this on you, OP. You weren't hosting, you allowed them to use your subscription which was very generous of you
I agree with this. The OP has kindly done them a favour. She wasn't hosting a sports night.