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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have bathed my niece?

991 replies

Glass113 · 02/03/2024 13:40

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

OP posts:
iamwhatiam23 · 02/03/2024 14:28

Massive overreaction from your SIL!

Arightoldcarryabag · 02/03/2024 14:29

Thing is, they are her boundaries and she gets to set them wherever she likes.

If bathing was a no-no, I'd expect it to be explicitly advised and as such you haven't done anything wrong in my mind but it's crossed a line and that's all there is to it.

She'll get over it and I know you won't bathe her child again and the world will keep on turning.

If this was me, I'd be laughing at her behind her back and confirming I wouldn't do it again to her face.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/03/2024 14:31

HalebiHabibti · 02/03/2024 14:25

"SIL, I understand that you are upset I bathed Dniece. However, I don't understand exactly why you're upset, given that I babysit Dniece regularly/change her nappy regularly, and the fact that she was covered in flour and syrup from baking. I'd appreciate it if you could please explain a little more about how you're feeling so I can understand better. Thanks xxx"

Fuck that. Do not pander to this woman for a second. There is absolutely no reasonable or acceptable explanation she could offer for essentially accusing you of being inappropriate with her child. A child that she was apparently more than happy to let you babysit for her own convenience, lest we forget.

There is nothing left to discuss.

Redglitter · 02/03/2024 14:31

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers

Nah she doesn't get it both ways. So you're not to babysit as 'punishment" but she'll ask you again further down the line, presumably when it suits her

If I wasn't deemed suitable for babysitting just now I wouldn't be doing it later when she realises she's stuck without your help

soconfusedandscared · 02/03/2024 14:33

Presumably you are present during her toileting so I don’t see any difference! Plus she’s a toddler who may require a change of clothing, again, you’d be seeing her naked. Not sure what her issue is!

CatLevelCare · 02/03/2024 14:36

You did nothing wrong. It's very good of you to care for your neice so well.
I would be very upset at that reaction from your sil.
Tell her you won't be babysitting again.

ThePoshUns · 02/03/2024 14:36

You shouldn't apologise as she is in the wrong.
She's happy for you to change her daughter's nappy but not bathe her?
I'd be really insulted if I were you, what is she implying? She is out of order.

Illpickthatup · 02/03/2024 14:36

Maray1967 · 02/03/2024 14:11

Yes, I would send this.

I agree with PP that she’s probably annoyed that she doesn’t get to do bathtime tonight and is having a go at you - but she needs to apologise.

Show quote history

I wouldn't. I would just send 👍

DoYouWantMeToBeTheCat · 02/03/2024 14:38

Are you female?

caringcarer · 02/03/2024 14:39

mygrandchildrenrock · 02/03/2024 13:42

No, you did a very sensible thing and your SIL needs to re-think her stance and in Mumsnet terms, give her head a wobble!

This

Healthyhappymama · 02/03/2024 14:40

Nothing wrong with it, but if it was me I'd have messaged, if bathing wasn't something she normally has at yours, I'd say she's got in a mess with flour is it OK to put her in the bath with other child and I'd wait for a response

Viviennemary · 02/03/2024 14:42

I wouldn't usually bath a child that wasn't mine. But her reaction was over the top. Just don't bother with her in future. And certainly don't do any childcare.

lioneggs · 02/03/2024 14:42

Wow. Overreaction. If anyone managed to wash my toddlers hair I'd be amazed and thanking them as she absolutely hates it! You've done nothing wrong!

hagchic · 02/03/2024 14:43

I do not understand how people are saying because SIL is anxious, or precious or has boundaries that this should affect anyone other than herself.

If this is the case then the only person looking after her child should be her because clearly other people will never be good enough.

It would be bad enough if it was a nursery she was berating - but any nursery would be crystal clear with her that if her child required bathing/washing then they would be doing that as they have a duty of care to her CHILD. They do not have a duty of care to the parent's anxieties and preciousness or their boundaries.

She is bullying the OP because she thinks she can get away with it - and that's why the OP needs to push right back - no apology at all - no giving in to her totally unreasonable 'boundaries'.

She needs to be apologising profusely to the OP and being very clear that she trust them (male or female) to care for her child in the same way as she would her own.

Even then I would be very unlikely to ever 'babysit (ie free childcare)' again

TheGoodOldOne · 02/03/2024 14:43

Wow!!! So I am assuming you are a female OP. I could absolutely understand if you aren’t a female and were her BIL- making you a non-blood relative of the opposite sex, but you’re a same sex carer with a DD a similar age I presume…
She trusts you to babysit for her, presumably she would be happy for you to change her nappy, but not bathe her when she requires it?! Would she rather your niece sat around it dirty clothes and nappies for hours rather than be cleaned up?
Personally, not only would I be bloody grateful someone looked after my child for me in the first place, but bathing her if she got messy saves me a job when I collect her. This is just weird.
If she had a problem she could have said “hey, I appreciate you were trying to help, but in future please can you not bathe DD, I feel this is crossing boundaries.” Then if you did do it again you would 100% be in the wrong. She’s completely gone overboard stopping you having her again and thereby treating you like some sex offender. How bloody insulting.

Reugny · 02/03/2024 14:44

Viviennemary · 02/03/2024 14:42

I wouldn't usually bath a child that wasn't mine. But her reaction was over the top. Just don't bother with her in future. And certainly don't do any childcare.

The OP doesn't usually bath a child that isn't hers.

However she changes that child nappy so there are circumstances where she would have to clean the child's bum.

bakewellbride · 02/03/2024 14:45

She's being really weird. My friend (so not even a relative!) looked after my son while I was having my next baby and he had a bath while he stayed with her. It didn't even enter into my mind that it was weird / wrong. I don't see the problem with it at all!

Soozikinzii · 02/03/2024 14:48

How ungrateful . O well end of free childcare for SiL then

caringcarer · 02/03/2024 14:49

I used to live on a farm. My niece of 3/4/5/6 often came to stay for the day as my DD was the same age as my niece. By the end of the day of going in the hen house collecting eggs and getting bits of straw all over themselves and playing in the garden with ducks. Going to see the lambs if in Season I used to put both girls in the bath together. My niece used to cry when she had to go home so sometimes she stayed over so no way I could avoid bathing her and washing her hair. My sister was just pleased her DD had a good time. My son was 2 years younger and I very much doubt my sister would have minded him going in the bath with the two girls too but I bathed him separately as he used to splash and throw such a lot of water around. Your SiL is way out of line. I'd be having a word with your brother. Good enough to change the nappies but not bath the DC. Absolutely nuts.

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/03/2024 14:52

DoYouWantMeToBeTheCat · 02/03/2024 14:38

Are you female?

It doesn't make any difference. The OP was trusted to do nappy changes.

itsgettingweird · 02/03/2024 14:53

HandsomeGreige · 02/03/2024 13:50

But don’t feel mortified. She’s watched too many TikToks about promoting body autonomy and privacy in kids (which I completely agree with, before any one jumps) but is using this to school you about what a superior parent she is with her ‘boundaries’.

What would she have liked you to do if her child pooed herself? Left her in faeces so you wouldn’t have overstepped a boundary?

She’s going to feel silly when the high of texting you wears off.

I do not leave my children with anyone who I wouldn’t feel comfortable bathing them in an emergency or times of particular messiness.

i wouldn’t sit your niece again. She’s made you feel awful to make herself feel like a better parent.

This.

I immediately thought (when you said she was a toddler and not toilet trained) what if she'd had an explosive bowel movement etc.

I'd text back.

"Sorry you aren't happy with me providing high quality care. I hope you find something suitable for the future - which will be long term as I won't be committing to returning to the original arrangement"

And as hard as it'll be for you I wouldn't agree to do it again when she's finished cutting off her nose.

Stormbornform · 02/03/2024 14:55

Sorry to hear that sil, happy to babysit when needed but I reserve the right to tell off any child in my care and keep them clean/ hygienic as I see fit if I am in charge of them.

hagchic · 02/03/2024 14:57

In fact.. in for a penny in for a pound...

Why is she concerned about you undressing her child for a bath?

What if you doing that revealed bruising on the child - on their arms or back?

Is she hiding something?

There is a reason why any childcare provider has very solid safeguarding procedures and why they will record and question parents as to any bruising / marks that they see whilst caring for children.

It can actually be quite a risk to care informally for someone else's child - it does confer a duty of care on you.

I would be very wary of a parent giving me explicit instructions that could potentially hide harm. In fact I would refuse the care for a child in those circumstances.

Deadringer · 02/03/2024 14:57

If you are changing her nappy I can't understand why giving her a bath is crossing a line. Sil sounds weird but I would probably have texted first before giving a bath, especially if she has form for being awkward. Yanbu though.

SomeCatFromJapan · 02/03/2024 15:03

@hagchic the same thought had crossed my mind.