To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

She needs to explain herself properly before you consider having her child back. As said, if you're changing her nappy and therefore cleaning her most intimate body parts, it's wild to me that she would draw the line at bathing her child. It's honestly barely any different to taking a tiny tot into the sea or a pool. She sounds a bit daft.

In your shoes I would send the following message

Hi SIL, I was surprised and quite hurt to recieve your message. I had assumed that because you have no problem with me changing your DD's nappies bathing would not be an issue. That's fine about not babysitting. I will not offer in future as I would be too nervous about accidentally crossing another boundary I wasn't aware of.

It’s very strange that you presumably are allowed to change her child’s nappy but not to bathe them. Either way I’d ensure your brother/sister knows what’s going on with their partner by texting and saying something like sorry if your partner feels like I crossed a line but I thought given I’m trusted to change nappies, bathing my dirty niece would be fine, but then I would completely cut any attempts to make contact with your sil. I’m sure when she’s struggling for childcare she’ll be more reflective on this over reaction and her lack of gratitude and reach out, hopefully with an apology.

You're allowed to change her nappy but not bath her? Your SIL better get another babysitter sorted for Friday then.

☝️this

I understand that attitude but not sure I would agree.

not weird at all.
tbh you should be clear with her that you are not happy with her message and she can take "for a while" and make it "never again".

Please don't send anything saying 'sorry' or giving an explanation! You have nothing to explain, you did nothing wrong, she is batshit.

I wouldn't speak to her again until I'd had a grovelling apology, and certainly wouldn't provide any more free childcare.

Omg OP, that is such an offensive and hurtful thing for your SIL to say. I’m so sorry - I’d be mortified too! To be upset that you’d deprived her of mummy daughter bath time routine is one thing but to imply it was inappropriate? Hurtful beyond belief! It’s not like you cut her hair or gave her a shellac ffs!!

She is an absolutely bonkers bitch. The only appropriate response should have been gratitude!

Don't send messages back and forth. Pick up the phone and talk to her.
You have done nothing wrong.
She trusts you to baby sit which involves feeding and changing nappies but feels you crossed the lines at bathing her child.
A boundary you were not aware existed.
That's fine, you won't have her child over again as you wouldn't feel comfortable. The end.

Wow lots of response. Thank you for the reassurance that I wasn't out of line in bathing her.

To answer some questions I am female and SIL is my husbands brothers wife.

I messaged back and said I wasn't aware that was a boundary you had and given your feelings I agree that I shouldn't babysit again. I've left it at that and heard no more.

DH is fuming with it tbh and is seeing his brother tomorrow so I'm sure he will discuss it with him.

Absolutely do not apologise! If she has weird boundaries like that then she should have explicitly stated them.

How dare she take away your right to look after your own niece, but it’s fine for you to have had her all this time when it suits SIL.

I would be livid!

OP perfect response to that.

I was just going to ask this ?, so you can change a nappy but not bath 🤷🏼‍♀️.

edit to add, that was a perfect response, you are either trusted or your not.

I wouldn’t want to look after her again in those circumstances, I would be forever questioning myself.

I would tell her that I would not be acting as free childcare in the future (assuming she doesn't pay you) and pointing out that its a shame her DD would no longer be able to enjoy the company of her little cousin.
I would also ask the question what danger did she think her DD was in being bathed by her loving auntie who has a similar aged DD.
She sounds like a piece of work tbh

A very measured response OP much more than she deserved.

DH is fuming with it tbh and is seeing his brother tomorrow so I'm sure he will discuss it with him

I'm not surprised he is livid his brothers wife has implied your intentions were immoral.

I wonder how long it takes her to come crawling back when she sees how expensive childcare is...

As she trusts you to change nappies, I would take it that she trusts you to bathe her in emergencies too.
You’re right to say no more babysitting because you’ve done nothing wrong and she’s treating you like a fucking paedophile.

Your response was perfect. I expect she will regret no longer being able to call on you to babysit.

This is crazy :D Your SIL needs to get a grip. You did nothing wrong :)

None of us ‘go around bathing children that aren’t ours’: she’s making it sound like you just picked a random child up at soft play and gave it a bath. Ridiculous. You are a known and - one would have presumed - trusted carer for her child. You wouldn’t leave a two year old in a dirty nappy or covered in paint or flour or in wet clothes, so all would involve changing or cleaning them. There’s a really strange unspoken worry in that message - I guess it’s about you seeing her child undressed - which would be enough for me to never feel comfortable babysitting for her again tbh. Whatever her issues are, I feel a bit sad for her that she’s worrying like this but you haven’t done a thing wrong.

Hopefully you can still enjoy a relationship with your niece, but I would never ever babysit her again, no matter how profuse the apology. This isn’t a case of parenting style preferences, her comment goes to your character and is absolutely unforgivable!

I would literally send a bunch of laughing emojis and ask how she thinks you manage to change her nappy without cleaning her? And in what way is sitting her in a bath of water any different? Then finish by saying you think its best she find someone else to babysit who is paid to deal with this rubbish.

Your response is perfect, she needed to have made that boundary clear to you in advance as toddlers often need a quick bath after an activity.

So she's happy with the free childcare, and for you to change nappies, but a bath is crossing the line?

She's batshit, and I also wouldn't be babysitting anymore.