To have bathed my niece?

[Glass113]

I babysit my toddler niece regularly as I don't work Fridays and have a daughter around the same age so they play together and generally have a nice time. Niece has never stayed over as SIL doesn't like being away from her overnight.

Yesterday I had my niece and SIL was working later than normal so picked her up about 6:30.

We baked and decorated cakes in the afternoon and naturally both kids had flour, icing and whatever else all over them and in their hair etc so I put them both in the bath and washed their hair. I popped my niece in a pair of my daughters pj's.

When dear SIL arrived I explained they'd got a bit messy so I'd bathed and changed her. She didn't say much and left quite quickly.

I've had a text this morning saying she doesn't want me to babysit again for a while as I've crossed a boundary bathing her child and she would never dream of bathing a child that wasn't hers.

I am mortified and devastated to be honest. Did I really do such a terrible thing?

Presumably you wipe her after she's been to the toilet and that's more intimate than plonking her in a bath and giving her way with a sponge!

That's mad. I'd have been so grateful to you! Bathtime is a pain!

Yeah she's bonkers. Creating an issue where there isn't one.

I bathe my nieces with my daughter all the time, for them it's half the fun of the day! Especially as you say she is still in nappies you are already caring for her intimate needs.

Or does she think you don't change her nappies too!!

Weird. She's weird.

I did text SIL once, she doesn't have kids and told me she walks around naked when our child is at theirs so that my child could see that there are all different body types. I just asked her to please treat our child like any other guest and keep your kit on

You did absolutely nothing wrong. She's your niece, i.e family. I have no idea why your SIL is being so awful. It would be horrible if you left them messy and grubby.

I would have probably messaged first tbh, maybe bathtime is part of their bedtime routine or something, plus she's clearly fairly anxious.

You didn't do anything wrong though, you were being nice.

She doesn't get to punish you by not allowing you to babysit her kid for a while though, you're doing her a favour, not the other way around. I would just respond that given your differing views on this issue you're not going to babysit again in case you accidently overstep again.

What I don’t understand? If you change the nappy anyway then there’s nothing different to seeing the toddlers private parts in the bath or on a changing mat. It would be different if you got in the bath or the child was older. As far as I am concerned anyone who I would trust to change my DC nappy then I would trust to bathe them.

I would have done the same as you, especially as you were bathing your own dc. Looking after 2 toddlers is no small task and she should be more appreciative.

Trying to see her side, maybe it was a bit of mum guilt on her part for being late home from work and bathing dc and doing bedtime was going to be the only bit of bonding they were going to have that day. I used to feel the same when DD was small and I'd pick her up from my mums and she would be pretty much ready for bed. She shouldn't take it out on you though and she owes you a massive apology.

for overstepping the mark?

This SIL has behaved absolutely appallingly. Shes quite happy to leave her child unattended all day in the company of the OP so clearly in the name of free childcare and convenience it was not a big deal…..

I think SIL is being unreasonable but more with how she handled it and her snide comment about you not babysitting for awhile than because she actually has am issue with it. I don't think you were unreasonable at all and I've bathed older kids of close friends of mine for example but equally I don't think there's really anything wrong with her not wanting you to. But she should probably have made that clear in advance of you ever babysitting if she felt strongly about it and regardless a calm polite conversation about it after would have been the way to go about it not a snide text.

Is your SIL a bit dim generally OP? She obviously sees it as a privilege for you to mind her child. Feck that, I'd do no more free childminding.

I would reply ‘If that’s what you’d prefer then so be it. I have to say I am truly offended, what on earth are you insinuating? I was trying to help. You were working late! She was covered in flour after baking, I thought it would help you out to have her bathed and in her pyjamas ready for bed. This is what families do, help. I am sorry if you felt I had crossed a line, but I am mortified and truly upset by your text. I shall never babysit again.

Since the OP changes the same girl’s nappy - what would be the issue be with giving her a quick bath ? If she had an explosive nappy or threw up over herself, the OP would have had to bath her anyway.

I think if the girl was older or not regularly minded by the OP, it would have been wiser to check with the parents first, but this is not the case here.

Oh and OP, don't apologise. You didn't do anything wrong.

Agreed definitely don't send an apology. It'll just make her think she was right if you admit to being sorry.

That would be the end of the free child care. No way would I mind someone's child who doesn't trust me.

I think I would reply along the lines of…. I was really shocked to get your message… You do realise that I change her nappies all the time? So it’s ok to change shitty nappies and wash her intimately but not to wash her hair and body in a quick bath when she’s covered in flour? That is totally crazy…. And I’m her aunt not some total stranger. However, given how you have made me feel I think it is best you find someone else to babysit for you.

Really weird behaviour from SiL

If SIL has shown signs of being a bit precious before, then yes, you're unreasonable not to have asked about the bath - although you change nappies so I'm not sure why the line is drawn differently

If this is the first time SIL has shown signs of being precious, then you are not at all unreasonable

Leave SIL to it , she'll come round

The only person apologising should be your SIL.

You did her a favour.

You provided her child with the right care - so if the child vomited would she not want you to clean her up?

She is in the wrong. She seems to think that you are some sort of free servant that she can order around and berate if you do not meet her standards.

If she wants that level of control she can pay someone for it.

Yes, I would send this.

I agree with PP that she’s probably annoyed that she doesn’t get to do bathtime tonight and is having a go at you - but she needs to apologise.

Absolutely this

Totally bizarre from SIL, particularly as you're doing nappies anyway

What has your brother or BIL said?

Yeah I don't understand SIL here

Oh FFS this is a whole new level of ridiculous!!!! I would have been DELIGHTED if you bathed my child. Your SIL is nuts.

Do not apologise, you've done nothing wrong!