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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter told not to tell Mummy by family member.

174 replies

dragonkeeper321 · 02/03/2024 01:03

First time poster but long time reader.

DD went out with MIL and SIL. When DD returned home, the first thing she said to me was 'SIL told me not to tell Mummy something'. DD is almost 3 and hasn't ever said this before. She then proceeded to say something silly like 'nothing exciting' every time I asked about her day. Again, completely out of the ordinary and not something I have heard her say before.

Bit of background, MIL/SIL regularly ask to take DD out for the day and DD loves them both dearly. I'm always happy for the time to myself. I ask what their plans are so I can prepare clothing, snacks, my own day etc. which is completely normal in my head but I'm always met with animosity and I have to ask multiple times before they tell me their plans. MIL has also given DD snacks and drinks that she isn't allowed when with her. Fizzy drinks etc.

This latest incident has really angered me and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I don't think I am, I think saying anything to a child followed by 'don't tell parents' is really wrong and not a habit I want DD to even be aware of at this age.

I've asked DH to deal with this because I'm so angry. He agrees he is on my side and it isn't correct but can't do anything if they deny they said anything to DD.

OP posts:
scaredofff · 02/03/2024 01:07

It's likely to be something small like a treat she's not supposed to have
What is your relationship with your sil like? Could you send a breezy message
'Hey SIL! Thanks for having DD today, seems like she had lots of fun as usual with you and mil. She's come home and said something strange though, could you tell me why she isn't supposed to 'tell mummy'?
Or have your dh text his mum and ask outright

Messedupabit · 02/03/2024 01:12

Always told my kids 'no secrets in this family'
Been told about holidays, flowers etc that DH was 'surprising' me with and a holiday DPs had organised.
Anyone who encourages a child to keep secrets is absolutely toxic imo

Pinkfrlls · 02/03/2024 01:19

I wouldn't allow any more unsupervised outings. It is likely something small like an extra ice cream. But MIL/SIL's general animosity and shiftiness about what the're up to and the junk food would make me very wary. I would absolutely want to know where my chid was. I had a nanny who secretly gave my child cakes and sweets. How I cursed her when the dentist had to give him 3 fillings as he had some soft spots on the enamel and they were second teeth too. This was a child who had regular checkups with a dentist as well.

Tourmalines · 02/03/2024 01:23

I think it’s wrong to say that to her . I have a 3 year old DGD and I could never ever say that as it’s making her cover up secrets . But I would never have any reason to say that to her anyway . Wrong on all counts .

RogueFemale · 02/03/2024 01:23

I agree with @Pinkfrlls , no more days out with MIL/SIL, especially with a child this young and when MIL/SIL are so unfriendly to you. They're likely giving DD junk food and telling her don't tell mummy, and that is so disrespectful to you and undermining you and they know it.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/03/2024 01:27

Is there any possibility, any at all, that a Mothers Day card or gift has been bought / made ?

BobbyBiscuits · 02/03/2024 01:40

It's either verboden snacks or hopefully something nice, as people say, for mother's day for you?
It's nothing sinister I'm sure. Could wait a bit before getting DH to go off at them in case it is something nice? If not then just tell them straight. 'You can't give them x and if you do I will find out and then they won't be able to go to yours anymore.'

jazzybelle · 02/03/2024 01:51

Secrets should not be encouraged. That's how paedophiles operate.

FloofCloud · 02/03/2024 01:57

jazzybelle · 02/03/2024 01:51

Secrets should not be encouraged. That's how paedophiles operate.

Yes, exactly this! I'd be livid too, I'd be telling DD that if anyone says that then you immediately tell mummy and daddy because it isn't allowed as secrets can be dangerous - bloody idiot MIL/SIL

Garlicking · 02/03/2024 01:59

While I couldn't get exercised about sweets or some similar grandmotherly weakness, I'd be VERY strong on the secret thing. It's not really about MIL herself, it's a safeguarding issue. Young children should never be told to keep a secret from a parent because, once they've done so, they're primed to follow that instruction from a less well-meaning adult.

FWIW, I think this is an indicator that DD hasn't learned. I'd be going back over with her until she has. All the better if MIL can be persuaded to tell her herself that she was wrong to make a secret from Mummy and DD should always tell you any secrets people ask her to keep (you can probably word it better, I'm tired!)

Justsomethoughts · 02/03/2024 03:49

You could have a chat with MIL/SIL and say you realise things happen while your DD is being looked after by them (junk food etc which you don’t love but are ok with once in a while) but you’re really keen she doesn’t learn to keep secrets from her parents.
Explain to them this is to keep DD safe from all of horrible things that unfortunately happen in the world and you don’t want her in the habit of it for the sake of what is presumably some ice cream or similar.

Marblessolveeverything · 02/03/2024 03:55

I would have a word. Given mother's day is close it may relate to that.

Sometimes people don't think of the danger. Treats I would ignore if no allergies I would count it as granny privilege. I still have very fond memories of my granny gifting me a slim dairy milk in each book she bought me. She used to tell me it was to have a bookmark.

GreatGateauxsby · 02/03/2024 04:06

Garlicking · 02/03/2024 01:59

While I couldn't get exercised about sweets or some similar grandmotherly weakness, I'd be VERY strong on the secret thing. It's not really about MIL herself, it's a safeguarding issue. Young children should never be told to keep a secret from a parent because, once they've done so, they're primed to follow that instruction from a less well-meaning adult.

FWIW, I think this is an indicator that DD hasn't learned. I'd be going back over with her until she has. All the better if MIL can be persuaded to tell her herself that she was wrong to make a secret from Mummy and DD should always tell you any secrets people ask her to keep (you can probably word it better, I'm tired!)

Good advice and something your DH CAN do.
Btw your DH sounds wet snd disengaged.

but can't do anything if they deny they said anything to DD.

well this is a load of crap and also untrue... i'd make DH tell them no unsupervised visits until they come clean and stop pissing about "hiding" plans. They can still take her out but dh will join and supervise. No dh, no outings.

midtownmum · 02/03/2024 04:23

At that age I said that any adult who asks you to keep a secret from your mum is doing something bad. And then graduated to "It's OK to keep a secret if it's a present or surprise for mummy, but otherwise no secrets and anyone who asks you to keep a secret is doing a bad thing. Yes, even Nanny." and had stern words with my MIL about the safeguarding issues around teaching them to keep secrets from their parents. FFS. In our case, it was only chocolate or extra screen time or something and my DS ratted her out immediately I arrived, but she KNOWS I wouldn't have cared, she just wanted the thrill of the kids having secrets with her from me. My blood is boiling just typing this... anyway. Point is, I would go in hard on this - your DD is so little and she needs very very clear messages that there are no secrets with other adults that she keeps from her parents EVER.

Autienotnaughtie · 02/03/2024 04:39

Does your dh understand the not keeping secrets from a safeguarding perspective? There's stuff around it on the internet I'd give him some articles to read.

Your dh needs to message them both making it clear secrets are unacceptable and if it happens again they won't be taking her out. And yes it's completely reasonable to want to know where your child is going.

TupperJen · 02/03/2024 05:18

We have a good secret/bad secret rule.

Good secrets (birthday present, surprise party, something yummy for dessert): the person gets told in the end, it's only secret for little while until they can join in on it, it's something nice and fun.

Bad secrets: something that the other person asks them to never tell about, the secret has to be kept forever. This kind of secret is a bad secret and you have to tell Mum/Dad/teacher about it, because bad secrets can hurt other people and even if it's family asking you to keep a bad secret, you never should. Things like treats etc obviously not "serious", but it grooms your child to keep other secrets which are truely bad from adults, or from kids bullying other kids (don't tell Tarquin, but we're having a party and not inviting him).

Outwiththenorm · 02/03/2024 06:17

We try and distinguish between surprises and secrets - a surprise is something nice that the person is going to find out about eventually. But my DC are a bit older so might be too much for a 3 year old.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 02/03/2024 06:50

I ask what their plans are so I can prepare clothing, snacks, my own day etc. which is completely normal in my head but I'm always met with animosity and I have to ask multiple times before they tell me their plans.

No, they're being weird here. I doubt they're taking her anyway unacceptable, so it's just a power thing to not tell you. She's 2 years old, of course its natural for you to ask where she'll be going (I'm assuming you aren't asking for a minute by minute schedule for the day or anything).

And I wouldn't be happy with the secrets thing. Again, I doubt it's anything bad, but there's no need for them to do it beyond wanting to annoy you. Don't teach a 2 year old to keep secrets from their parents.

beautifulbrothers · 02/03/2024 07:18

I'm not sure how I would feel about this either. My DS6 recently had a small incident after school (so small that I can't remember what it was!). He asked my MIL not to tell DH and I, so we did the very gentle 'no secrets' talk. DH and I discussed grey areas later that evening and found this advice:

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/

I do realise your DD is 3 though, and only you are able to judge her ability to assess what a 'good' or 'bad' secret is. Equally, a child's relationship with family members should determine the response too.

Edit: My MIL told us about his secret.

Daughter told not to tell Mummy by family member.
Sapphire387 · 02/03/2024 07:21

Could it not be that they've done something for Mother's Day? Get your DH to check what's going on.

bubblesforbreakfast · 02/03/2024 07:26

It's a hard line in our family. It's probably a McDonald's or a little Mother's Day present but that's not the point.
I often take care of a friends daughter who's a bit older than yours -5 - friend is on her own so we will often do Mother's Day cards, Xmas cards etc. I always say "You must never ever keep a secret from your mummy. Would you like to give her this now, or do you think we should wait". Because little macaroni necklaces are delightful but not worth instilling toxic behaviours for

pickledandpuzzled · 02/03/2024 07:29

DH needs chat with DD about how we don’t keep secrets but surprises are ok. He can ask if it’s a surprise for you for Mothering Sunday.

I wouldn’t bother talking with mil and sil. Just train DD up to say ‘I’m not allowed to keep secrets.‘

LolaSmiles · 02/03/2024 07:33

They're being weird here OP. There's no need for them to be so evasive when asked about their plans.

We've spoken to DC about secrets and surprises, like other posters. DC are told that they must tell me, DH or a trusted adult if anyone tells them to keep a secret from us. We've also said sometimes adults clumsily use "secret" when they mean "surprise" and how to tell if something is a surprise.

There's no need for adults to be teaching young children to hide things from their parents.

Sweetheart7 · 02/03/2024 07:35

I think the bigger issue is that SIL and MIl are not wanting to openly discuss plans of where they are taking your child. How often do they take her out? I think if you feel comfortable leaving your child with then both you need to address yourself.

gestroopd · 02/03/2024 07:38

No visits alone. They can't be trusted. Even if it is a little snack that she shouldn't be having, it's beyond disrespectful to you and DH for them to be feeding your child something they know she isn't allowed! Then they don't want to tell you their plans?! Honestly, you've been far too nice about this. Nobody who did those things with my kids would be in some charge of them. And it's not that the actual activities or food items are bad, it's the ACT OF LYING to you and being evasive! They do not respect you.

Re DD I started from about that age to tell mine (even if they couldn't understand it yet, just to get it in their heads from early) that surprises we don't tell the actual person (but can tell other people) and secrets which are a special code word between me and them for "tell mummy", even if the other person says "it's a secret from mummy don't tell her" and that mummy will never be angry, even if the person says I will be.