Daughter told not to tell Mummy by family member.

[dragonkeeper321]

First time poster but long time reader.

DD went out with MIL and SIL. When DD returned home, the first thing she said to me was 'SIL told me not to tell Mummy something'. DD is almost 3 and hasn't ever said this before. She then proceeded to say something silly like 'nothing exciting' every time I asked about her day. Again, completely out of the ordinary and not something I have heard her say before.

Bit of background, MIL/SIL regularly ask to take DD out for the day and DD loves them both dearly. I'm always happy for the time to myself. I ask what their plans are so I can prepare clothing, snacks, my own day etc. which is completely normal in my head but I'm always met with animosity and I have to ask multiple times before they tell me their plans. MIL has also given DD snacks and drinks that she isn't allowed when with her. Fizzy drinks etc.

This latest incident has really angered me and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I don't think I am, I think saying anything to a child followed by 'don't tell parents' is really wrong and not a habit I want DD to even be aware of at this age.

I've asked DH to deal with this because I'm so angry. He agrees he is on my side and it isn't correct but can't do anything if they deny they said anything to DD.

Happy secrets for Mothers day or Christmas are fine. It doesn't have to be so black amd white.

I agree there’s plenty you can do if they deny it. As a parent you can believe your kid over them and refuse any further unsupervised visits as they can’t be trusted. Unless it turns out to be a Mother’s Day surprise.

id guess it’s fizzy drinks, etc. so not only are they disrespectful of your rules over your child they are encouraging secrets which can lead to issues down the line and sends your Dd a very bad message. I’d be nipping this in the bud.

Maybe it’s a Mother’s Day treat for you

Secrets that have an end (eg birthday gifts; Mother's Day card; Christmas gifts; surprise party) are ok.

Secrets with no end (don't tell mummy we ate chocolate/had fizzy drinks/more worrying stuff re grooming) are not ok and shouldn't be made.

That's how we operated in our house and it was clearly understood by our kids from a very young age.

I wouldn't be allowing my child another day out currently with mil and sil and I would say why. Then teach your DD the rule above.

Saying they can never take your daughter out again is daft. They love your daughter and she loves them. There’s more harm than good from severing this relationship. Keep things in perspective.

Do they understand why you are asking where you are taking DD. Be clear that you are happy with wherever they take her, but you need to know to prepare clothes/ food etc.

So they give her treat food. Don’t overact to this. She won’t be obese/ all her teeth fall out/ get type two diabetes because she gets sweets and fizzy drinks on treat days with family. I ate that stuff daily in my childhood in the 80s and I’m now in my 50s with no fillings and a size 6 and fit and healthy. Keep things in perspective. The huge emotional and psychological and social benefits of Her relationship with family who love her is more important than having one less chocolate bar and fizzy drink a week. The building of her brain and life long emotional security that will come from strong family relationships is doing her a world of good. By contrast, That extra sweet is neither here nor there.

Keep the wider perspective here OP.

Absolutely this.
Explain the reasoning behind not keeping secrets, but don't destroy or micromanage the relationship.

My daughter can't keep a secret at all 😆 I'd just say no secrets in this house, tell me what happened!

We are a "no secrets" family. If anyone asks you to keep a secret or if someone tells you not to tell your parents the first thing you're to do is tell a parent. We let it be known throughout the family that we were doing this. I would recommend doing similar with your DC.

I would never do that with my niece. If I gave her a treat her parents might be a bit "she doesn't need the extra sugar" type thing then I'd own up to it if she mentioned it to them but never tell her not to say anything. The only time anything along these lines would happen was if I was present shopping for parents but then it would be "this is a surprise and we won't tell them just yet."

Those are surprises, not secrets.

Whilst it’s probably a treat that you wouldn’t normally allow or maybe something for Mother’s Day, you need to be really clear with them about using language around keeping secrets. Abusers use “don’t tell your parents/this is our secret” - an alternative I have seen is “this is a surprise, don’t tell mummy” but you need to shut down secretive language straight away and tbh I would maybe curtail the visits for a while.

I wouldn't be concerned about extra treats/sweets when kids are out with aunties and grandparents. I think that's part of the fun that they get to have ice cream and fizzy drinks etc.

But as others have said, the 'no telling mummy' is a bad precedent. I have young nieces and nephews but I'd never ask them to keep a secret from their parents...in our family, we don't keep secrets. But we also always created a distinction between a 'secret' and a 'surprise'.

I would defo wait a week till after Mother's Day though, just in case it's related to that.

Either they stop the “don’t tell mummy” crap or they don’t get to spend time with her anymore. Not only is it highly disrespectful to you as DD’s mother but as others have said, the whole “don’t tell mummy/daddy” thing is a dangerous thing for your DD to get used to. What if some man, could even be a family member or trusted person like a teacher, starts to abuse her and says the same thing?

If OP had posted that it was FIL & BIL taking her DC out, what would the replies be?

Never encourage children to keep secrets. Little ones can become big ones - thin end of the wedge.

Asking a child to keep something from parents encourages secretiveness and leaves them open to accepting abuse later on as that's what they were taught to do when told to.

It may be a surprise party, a present etc, which is sweet - but the bigger issue is it's about keeping things secret from parents.

Tackle it. No secrets.

I know the NSPCC say “good/bad secrets” but we used a firm no to any secrets while a yes to “happy surprises” a good approach. Happy surprises covers birthday gifts, surprise parties and new babies. But these are all temporary and by the term by its nature suggests joy.
I also think your husband needs to be less wet, sorry!

It most likely is! But teaching children that it is acceptable to have “don’t tell mummy (or daddy)” secrets is genuinely dangerous.
It normalises this kind of thing and makes it possible for abusers to take advantage of the mechanism of secrecy and lies taught to their victims by “well meaning” relatives.

It also teaches children that lying is acceptable and undermines their parents’ authority (in this case the mother’s authority).

Their refusals to discuss plans with the child’s mother makes them untrustworthy as well in my opinion.

In other words: It’s unacceptable!

They are spoiling her i imagine. ...here have a twix. Don't tell mummy ....

Lighten up on the drinks and teats when she isn't with you. It really doesnt matter

I think they've either helped her choose something for you for mother's day and bought and paid for it for her or they've helped her make a surprise which would have been very kind of them. I would wait and see.

I am the auntie who spoils the kids. My nephew is now 15 and it’s only this year that I give him cash and don’t tell his mum and dad before hand (not big amounts - we call it trainer money😂). It’s not a secret and he will usually tell them - he just doesn’t disclose the amount😂.

but when he was little I was very clear no secrets - even about treats and presents.

most reasonable adults understand you shouldn’t ask kids to keep secrets.

I was guilty of this as an auntie - it was actually my nephew who told me off and said 'we don't keep secrets from mummy!'. I didn't do it again, it just didn't occur to me in the moment. It was over something very innocent like having sweeties or something.

Maybe it’s just me but I rather dislike the concept of foods being considered a “treat”.

the frequency of the interaction with said relatives matters as well. OP said they take her DD regularly out for the day.

Which would mean that they’d regularly spoil her with those kinds of “treats”…

We have surprises not secrets in this house. To be honest kids are terrible at keeping secrets anyway and tell you everything! Eg 4yo has a "surprise for the mummy's next week, but I can't tell you that you're all allowed to come and we'll give you a biscuit".

Ask them.

That's a surprise in our world.

Surprise is when the person will know in the end, always something good etc

Secrets are not allowed. DD4 knows that she has to tell me every secret, no matter what, and she'll never get in trouble for telling me.

The point is, both "secrets" I know what is happening.

I'd rather be "spoiled" for a birthday present than have a terrible unknown secret.

I agree with others that it's probably just a secret chocolate bar or something, which wouldn't bother me as much as the "don't tell mummy"
I wouldn't stop them taking her out but would have to address this first.