Daughter told not to tell Mummy by family member.

[dragonkeeper321]

First time poster but long time reader.

DD went out with MIL and SIL. When DD returned home, the first thing she said to me was 'SIL told me not to tell Mummy something'. DD is almost 3 and hasn't ever said this before. She then proceeded to say something silly like 'nothing exciting' every time I asked about her day. Again, completely out of the ordinary and not something I have heard her say before.

Bit of background, MIL/SIL regularly ask to take DD out for the day and DD loves them both dearly. I'm always happy for the time to myself. I ask what their plans are so I can prepare clothing, snacks, my own day etc. which is completely normal in my head but I'm always met with animosity and I have to ask multiple times before they tell me their plans. MIL has also given DD snacks and drinks that she isn't allowed when with her. Fizzy drinks etc.

This latest incident has really angered me and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I don't think I am, I think saying anything to a child followed by 'don't tell parents' is really wrong and not a habit I want DD to even be aware of at this age.

I've asked DH to deal with this because I'm so angry. He agrees he is on my side and it isn't correct but can't do anything if they deny they said anything to DD.

I'd have a breezy conversation with them both. Say 'oh, dd told me you told her 'not to tell mummy'. Just so you are aware, we don't do secrets in our family, ever."

There are no good secrets and bad secrets. Young children wouldn’t understand the distinction or the ability of adults to abuse this. My children were always told we have no secrets.

I think it’s concerning that they’re very hesitant to tell you what they plan to do before taking her out. No-one would look after my child without me knowing where they’re going because of safety/emergency contact concerns. My ex SIL took my baby and her toddler swimming without telling me. I told her never to do that again as I didn’t think she could fully focus on my child and her own in the water by herself.

Your husband is passing the buck. Either they be truthful with you about the secret, and be more open with you about their plans, or they don’t keep seeing your daughter by themselves. You’re not being unreasonable and if they respect you, they’ll be willing to be more cooperative.

I’d be most pissed off about the fizzy drinks.
There is enough info out there now to educate even the thickest among us, that fizzy drinks for a 3 year old is poison.
Tell them fizzy drinks, and excess sweets are a NO.

I think I’d stand in front of MIL and SIL and tilt head, big smile, and say “what’s all this about - Don’t tell Mummy - I do hope you aren’t encouraging MY DD to keep secrets from me. That’s really not what we should be encouraging children to do in this day and age. Have a great morning, bye”.

I think that's very possibly the answer to the secret. So don't go in forbidding outings.

I would be very angry that they have taught her to keep secrets from mummy can be and is a thing. Doesn't matter whether it was over an illicit bottle of pop, she is a baby and this instruction breaches all kinds of boundaries and creates safeguarding risks.
Ignorant dickheads.
I would not allow them to have her in sole care again. They've already demonstrated their disdain for your normal questions, their attitude stinks

I find it difficult to imagine a 2 year old in answer to your question about what the secret is, responds with ‘nothing exciting’. It’s not an expression that a two year old would say.

It's wrong to say that to a child but if you're super strict about snack and drinks she is allowed then it is probably about that.

Tbh if mine are out for a nice day with family then I don't have rules about what they're allowed (barring anything unsafe).

Another good rule for secrets vs surprises (if you have 2 parents involved) is a surprise is something that you only keep from ONE parent. You can definitely tell the other. Whereas if someone asks you to keep something from both parents, that's not ok.

Obviously only a good rule if both parents are trustworthy but with our autistic kids, it's been easier for them to understand that than try to distinguish between secrets & surprises based on how they feel or who may find out in future.

Does that sound likely from the OP's posts?

Just give them a call and say "secrets" are tricky and can they please use the word surprise instead if it's a surprise and if not then don't encourage her to keep secrets. Maybe send them a link to the nspcc website and explain that sick criminals encourage kids to keep secrets so it's for your child's benefit and you're not trying to be a party pooper.

@dragonkeeper321 solve the problem in one easy step! do not allow your MIL to take your dd out in the first place!!

It's wrong to say that to a child but if you're super strict about snack and drinks she is allowed then it is probably about that.

There's no "but" though is there?

"I ask what their plans are so I can prepare clothing, snacks, my own day etc. which is completely normal in my head but I'm always met with animosity and I have to ask multiple times before they tell me their plans. MIL has also given DD snacks and drinks that she isn't allowed when with her. Fizzy drinks etc."

How rude of MiL! There's no way my DDs or DILs would let me take my GC out without a clear plan of where I was taking them, how long we'd be etc. I never give my GC anything their parents don't allow - they'd tear me off a strip and quite rightly. What's wrong with these overbearing Grannies who flout the parents' wishes? Is it the need to exert control or is it disrespect for the parents?

As for the secret - it's probably nothing important but I agree with the safeguarding points.

It’s probably a fizzy drink

I would say - they need to stop being shifty (it is clearly not ok to ask a 3 year old to keep secrets) you need to relax a bit on the treats - better your daughter has a relationship with her GM and the odd fizzy drink than not.

Your husband needs to tell them this

I wouldn’t make it more than it is

This is a difficult one. Keeping the secret of a present (e.g. for Mother's Day) is reasonable, but in the context of a difficult relationship with these relatives might be seen as less acceptable.

I'm not liking the good secret bad secret thing.

Who decides?

An adult decides to abuse a child and tells them "this is a good secret because I like it"

That child won't know they're being manipulated. I find it very confusing and I'm an adult.

Is it a "good" secret if my friend's husband is arranging a surprise party for her and I know she'll hate it. Is that a good secret to keep from my friend?

Of course not. But there is no malice in the secret. Nah too complicated for my simple mind.

No secrets EVER from your parents, until they're old enough to understand.

And when an abusing dad says "Don't tell mummy, this is our special little secret."

How does that work out?

I agree with others - they probably gave her some sweets and jokingly said “don’t tell mummy!” But I would feel paranoid too!

Definitely get DH to deal with it and find out what it’s all about.

Probably exactly the same.

Trouble with an adult telling a child 'not to tell mummy' is that it's teaching the child to have secrets and it's ok not to 'tell mummy'. Which might be ok in most circumstances, but what happens if your child is being abused and your sil and mil have taught your daughter that is 'the right thing to do' for another adult to expect your dd 'not tell mummy'.

It's such a fucking stupid thing to do. Personally in your shoes I'd stop them having dd for the day and only let them spend time with her whilst you are there.

I think secrets are not black and white and children need to be able to distinguish between good and bad secrets as others have said. Keeping a present or nice surprise a secret is fine.

I also think that grandparents taking a child for a nice day out should be able to break the rules a bit regarding sweets ect as long as they don’t bring them back high as kites!

I would want to know where they were going and what they would be doing though. If they are not telling you then that is not ok at all.

I would not smile. I would be very direct. Or better yet, DH should.

"Telling kids to keep secrets from their parents is a strategy abusers use. So, we teach our child that trustworthy adults will never ask them to keep secrets from myself or DH. This boundary is in place for our daughter's safety. If you blur this line when you spend time alone with her, we will have to say no to you being with her when DH or I aren't around."

Simple, clear, easy for someone to understand and work with IF they respect you as parents. If they don't - well, best to know that now, and respond accordingly.

Why are you letting her go with them when they say stuff like that to your child?

Secrets and Surprises were the way we went.

Surprises are always going to be something lovely for someone else that come with a date. Eg we are having a surprise party for mummy next week.

We have always told our DC that all secrets have to be told to Mummy or Daddy. We told them that the police have said that children are not allowed to keep "secrets" from us.

The main thing we were really hot on was if they someone said don't tell they had to tell us.