Daughter told not to tell Mummy by family member.

[dragonkeeper321]

First time poster but long time reader.

DD went out with MIL and SIL. When DD returned home, the first thing she said to me was 'SIL told me not to tell Mummy something'. DD is almost 3 and hasn't ever said this before. She then proceeded to say something silly like 'nothing exciting' every time I asked about her day. Again, completely out of the ordinary and not something I have heard her say before.

Bit of background, MIL/SIL regularly ask to take DD out for the day and DD loves them both dearly. I'm always happy for the time to myself. I ask what their plans are so I can prepare clothing, snacks, my own day etc. which is completely normal in my head but I'm always met with animosity and I have to ask multiple times before they tell me their plans. MIL has also given DD snacks and drinks that she isn't allowed when with her. Fizzy drinks etc.

This latest incident has really angered me and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I don't think I am, I think saying anything to a child followed by 'don't tell parents' is really wrong and not a habit I want DD to even be aware of at this age.

I've asked DH to deal with this because I'm so angry. He agrees he is on my side and it isn't correct but can't do anything if they deny they said anything to DD.

Mother's Day surprise?

When my DD was 3, she spent the day with mil and confidently told me that Daddy was from London, Nana was from London and I was from "Common", but she wasn't allowed to tell me that! Thanks Mil.
I'd be worrying about what else they were feeding her besides sweets.

could she of got you a mother's day gift

Slightly different situation. I detest my mil. I have many many reasons !! During Covid I stopped all visits as our eldest is vulnerable. I eventually let my fil down to visit. I work away from home one day a week. This is the day he would visit. Turns out my husband and dip were letting my mother in law visit the kids for over a year behind my back. They then told our youngest to say nothing to mommy . It’s been a year, and I’m still pissed. As for my husband I don’t think il fully trust him ever again. Does it make me feel better that the kids hate her, absolutely.

You have a smart DD. She will go far.

WTF I'd be having strong words with her about that.

I'd imagine it's got something to do with Mother's Day next week. Can you ask your daughter if it's a present/card? I know she is very young but she can still give yes/no answers. Please believe me that you are very lucky to have two family members who care for your daughter this way, I can tell you that the opposite isn't much fun!

surprise is not the same and you can use different wording
granny took me out to buy you a surprise
granny told me not to tell you something, she says it has to be our secret

YANBU for not being happy about this. As PP say, nothing positive can come from encouraging secrets.

However I think you need to think about why they are evasive about plans etc. Have you a long list of dos and don'ts? It goes against the grain on MN but i don't think mothers should dictate what family members feed their children or do when it's not their watch. They are not paid child minders, they are family and in loco parentis on those occasions so it's a case of my house my rules. If a mother wants to control everything their child does 24/7 then they can mind their child 24/7. A child benefits so much from spending time with family then so what if they have different approaches and different foods. If they are exposing DD to something dangerous (smoking in the car for example) then solution is to not allow them take the child.

surprise is not the same and you can use different wording
granny took me out to buy you a surprise
granny told me not to tell you something, she says it has to be our secret
That's how I feel about it.

If a family culture is established where children are not told to keep secrets from their parents, but that it's ok to have surprises, that's great. Even if a surprise is "ruined" by a child telling the parents, they'd not be in trouble because it's fine for a child to speak to their parents.

What bothers me is that if relatives (for example) hand a child a chocolate bar and say "this is our little secret... Don't tell mummy" the message to a child is that it's ok for an adult to give them chocolate/sweets and not to tell their parents. The template is there for other adults who want to test the water to see what a child will do when told to keep secrets from their parents, and the child is left thinking "it's only chocolate and Nanna has said it's ok to not tell mum of we have secret chocolates or sweeties, and nothing bad has happened so far, so I guess it's ok for this other adult". By the time a child has kept more secrets from their parents, they might be worried about getting in trouble, which makes them even less likely to tell their parents and that worry can be manipulated.

He can do something, which is if you don't play by your rules then they can't have her on their own. Simple.

It's totally wrong to teach kids to keep secrets and they clearly know they are doing or giving her something that you wouldn't approve of.

Our rule was also, no secrets, only surprises

I’ve always told my dcs if someone tells them they can’t tell parents, it’s a sign they absolutely should tell. Have been told about a couple of surprise gifts as a result but it’s better that way!

I’m getting close to being bitten by my own rules however. The other day we were running late for school and skipped teeth brushing. DH walked in the door that night and was immediately told “ Mummy said I didn’t have to brush my teeth this morning.” 😠 I hadn’t said they couldn’t tell … but occasionally can regret the openness policy. 🤣

This happened to me, my child came home upset , said was told to keep a secret from me and they didnt know what to do. I said unless it's a happy surprise like a gift etc thats OK. But if it's anything else they must tell me. Turns out in laws had given my toddler a sweet that they were not allowed, due to potential choking hazard and my child's age. OK its just a sweet, but it's a massive red flag. They are disrespecting your parenting rules, it sends a message to child that doesn't matter what she says we will let you have it. Teaching a child to keep secrets from mummy is never OK.
I think you should ask your dc if it's a gift or a happy surprise she may keep the secret but anything else she needs to say as its not OK to keep secrets from you...

Afternoon everyone - thanks for your comments. Wasn't expecting this many replies.

Yes I probably have been overbearing at times. When DD was very little, they wanted to be the first to take her to the Zoo etc. but it's our first and probably only child so I'd say no until we had taken her. That probably has caused animosity but again, is that really unreasonable? Genuine question? Also she is now 3 so there isn't many firsts left but maybe that has already created something? I don't know.

She is still little, I am SAHM at the moment and I like to know where she is when she isn't with me so will ask what plans are. Also she hasn't been very well lately and she becomes worse if she is running around loads/outside in the cold so I'd highlight that.

Regarding snacks/treats etc. DD does have chocolate, crisps and loves a bit of ice cream in moderation. But only drinks water and milk. DH and I are in agreement she doesn't have anything else. She is nuts as is, doesn't need any help in that department. Also choked on soft fruit as a baby so I'm overly cautious regarding any choking hazards (grapes quartered fine but hard sweets/lollies/popcorn no go). They take her for lunch/dinner but again; I'd like to know plans so I know whether to have a meal ready when she returns. Also I may ask how much she has eaten to gauge plan for the rest of the day.

DH spoke to MIL this morning and she denied anything was said so, as lovely as it would be to be something regarding Mothers Day, seems unlikely. Still haven't spoken to SIL but will do today. It wasn't mentioned as a secret or surprise, just 'not to tell mummy something'. DD has always told me, down the line, if she has had fizzy drinks or something without an issue and id ask them, they'd laugh and say oh yes and I'd calmly ask them not too as she doesn't have those things. They know we wouldn't have been overly happy with the situation so didn't mention it and wouldn't have told us if DD hadn't had said anything.

I'm very thankful that my DD has family members that care so deeply for her and she does them. I hadn't asked them to take her, they asked if they could take her out for the day and it was very much appreciated and DD has a lovely time. Other family members take her and there are no issues at all. Our wishes are respected and any questions seem to be understood. This is all new to me but the not telling thing has really upset me.

• nearly 3, not quite there yet

It might be better if your DH talked to your SIL (his sister?). Good luck!

Very similar to how I handled it, although when they were really young they would hint on enough about presents, then say "but I won't say what I mean as it's a secret surprise" so I knew it was a gift and a pretty solid idea what I was receiving 🤣🤣

@dragonkeeper321 what does your hubby say about this??

I'm fairly appalled at the number of posters who feel they "have to" encourage a child to be untruthful because, in their view, the parent is overly strict about certain foods and/or activities. Unless the parent is really ludicrously mean, why can't you just do stuff they don't have a problem with? A child who doesn't have any food intolerances won't suffer from a bag of crisps and/or a chocolate bar, but they also won't suffer from not having fizzy drinks (which are extremely bad for their teeth, everyone must surely know that by now). I respect DS and DIL far too much to just up and do something with THEIR children that they didn't want me to. I do do the odd "naughty Nanny" things like giving DGS a piece of my cake when he's finished his own, but never as a secret and if they asked me not to I wouldn't do it. There are plenty of fun things I can do with the little 'uns, there's no need to be sneaky.

Basically, if you've got to keep it secret it's probably wrong and you obviously know it, otherwise you'd just 'fess up.

OP, I'd also point out that young children lie. They pick up stuff they have heard here there and everywhere and report it as a thing that really happened. So its always entirely possible that neither MIL or SIL ever said this, and your daughter has invented it from somewhere else.

Also, most fizzy drinks don't have sugar in now. I only have fizzy drinks when I need a sugar boost and its actually not so easy to find them anymore. So even if they are giving your daughter fizzy drinks, they are probably sugar free.

I agree. I think esp for little children a full openness policy is simplest. It’s too much responsibility for them to decide .

My Dear Lord.

We can all make churlish 'End of' statements,. Here's mine.

'Disrupting a loving and healthy relationship between and child and their wider family over a fizzy drink is one of the most batshit things I have ever heard and anyone promoting it should be ashamed of themselves. End of.'

Oh and BTW, if the reason you don't want a child to have fizzy drinks is due to sugar (not clear if this is the case with OP) and the fizzy drink does not have sugar, its perfectly ok to abandon that rule. In fact, it would be slightly mad to still hold onto it.

And on another note, I just don't buy this nuclear, ' EVERYONE should obey ALL of my rules as I am the MOTHER' idea promoted on here. Yeah, there are some rules you have to be boundaried on, smacking or not watching 15 rated films or whatever. But a drink and some sweets on a day out? No, that's the sort of thing you allow flexibility on. If someone else is looking after your kid, you just do have to allow flexibility.

I don't really like the amount of sweets schools like to give out, or the massive party bags full of sweets after every birthday party, but hey ho. You have to be prepared to be flexible when your child exists as part of wider society. Or a wider family.