Daughter told not to tell Mummy by family member.

[dragonkeeper321]

First time poster but long time reader.

DD went out with MIL and SIL. When DD returned home, the first thing she said to me was 'SIL told me not to tell Mummy something'. DD is almost 3 and hasn't ever said this before. She then proceeded to say something silly like 'nothing exciting' every time I asked about her day. Again, completely out of the ordinary and not something I have heard her say before.

Bit of background, MIL/SIL regularly ask to take DD out for the day and DD loves them both dearly. I'm always happy for the time to myself. I ask what their plans are so I can prepare clothing, snacks, my own day etc. which is completely normal in my head but I'm always met with animosity and I have to ask multiple times before they tell me their plans. MIL has also given DD snacks and drinks that she isn't allowed when with her. Fizzy drinks etc.

This latest incident has really angered me and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I don't think I am, I think saying anything to a child followed by 'don't tell parents' is really wrong and not a habit I want DD to even be aware of at this age.

I've asked DH to deal with this because I'm so angry. He agrees he is on my side and it isn't correct but can't do anything if they deny they said anything to DD.

Yes well, it is Mother's Day next week, so maybe it is something to do with that?

I would not be happy about that at all. It’s the principle - normal people wouldn’t deliberately withhold where they’re taking a child out to. They’re being controlling and playing mind games with you… over a three year old. Bonkers.

At least you know your policy works and your child is safe. Nothing else really matters!

I hope it'ds nothing untoward. My dil phoned a local craft shop where they do fingerprint jewellery to book her daughter in for a surprise necklace for her grandma.
Her sister had to phone the lady and explain she was coming in and please not mention that they were in with her the week before getting a necklace made for mum!
Very cloak and daggers! The difference as she was a baby she didn't get told to keep the secret!

I do think as a parent you have the right to know where your child is going.

Both have denied saying anything.

Well if nothing else, now they know that it'll get back to you if they do anything like that again.

So they’re calling your Dd a liar.?

When I was about nine, I wanted to form a secret club with my best friend. We were going to have secret club names and make up pretend magic spells. She liked the club idea, but kept insisting, “I have to tell my parents! I’m not supposed to keep secrets from my parents!” Finally I lost it with her and snapped, “They mean you’re not supposed to keep it a secret if someone molests you or something!”

I think “no secrets” is a good rule for kids the age of OP’s child, but once kids get a little older, I would hope they’d have the ability to distinguish between harmless secrets and potentially dangerous secrets. Also, sometimes someone’s secret isn’t the business of a different kid’s parents. If twelve-year-old Rosie tells Grace, “I’ve got a crush on Jamie - don’t tell anyone!”, Grace does not have to tell her parents about Rosie’s secret crush. In fact, if I were Rosie and Grace did this, I’d be pissed off.

But, yes, “tell your parents if someone asks you to keep a secret from them” is a good rule for little kids.

I don’t think the animosity when you ask plans so you can be organised is great. Why would they b funny about that? You need to know if she’s had lunch, for example. Think I’d be refusing outings for a while.

This.

Agree no secrets, I’ve always told my DDs they are never to have secrets from mummy and daddy and if anyone says different they are to tell us.

Saying that, until I had children I’d didn’t really think about the consequences of children keeping secrets. The chances are it’s something completely innocent like when I would give my DNs treats and would say shh don’t tell mummy and daddy with a wink.

I would get your DP to say, look it’s fine you giving treats but never ask our child to keep a secret, it may seem really innocent but it’s not something we want our child to learn.

Your instincts are correct here, OP. Firstly, please don't misunderstand: I'm not accusing your ILS of being nefarious, other than it seems they are deliberately undermining you and transgressing your boundaries.

But teaching your DC not to keep secrets from her parents is really important. I did a course on grooming as part of being a pastoral lead in a school some years ago. It was really horrific, obviously. But one thing they said on the training, was, paedophiles who are grooming a child, will sometimes test whether a child is likely to keep secrets from their parents. So they will take them out (why they are taking out a child alone is a whole other story, maybe they have been waiting months to find an opportunity), give them a can of coke and tell them not to tell Mum, because this is our secret.

Then, they'll test it. "Hope you don't mind, but I gave [child] a coke the other day when we went out."

If the parent says, O yes, she mentioned it. That's a big signal to them to back off. Child isn't a secret keeper.

That’s really not on!! My DS’s knew from a young age that surprises were ok but secrets were not. They obviously haven’t thought about it from a safeguarding point of view.

My DS’s were brought up that way too. There was never anything that couldn’t be spoken about. DS2 is 16 now and is an over sharer. Sometimes I have to remind him that it’s his mum he’s talking to. 😵😂
I tend to respond with “mother in the room” 😂

wrong tread

I think op, you choose who your dd spends time with. When I send ds to my parents I know they don't stick to his routine, will expect him to sleep while they're out doing what they want (he won't), they'll feed him something different to what I've packed and he'll come home disregulated and we'll have a few days of broken sleep until he's back into routine.

Dhs family on the other hand do their best to stick to what his routine is (probably gives them an easier time and he sleeps like a dream for them) and I'll get a full run down on him without needing to even ask.

Who do you think gets to spend time with him unsupervised?

You reap what you sow and they are sewing the seeds of not getting unsupervised access to your dd due to their general disrespect to you.

Ultimately this is for dh to address, they're his family and he needs to be putting his foot down on how his child is treated when she's there and it should be clear you're a united front.

If you had a good relationship with them it would be easy to say " oh just so you know for next time, we don't have any secrets or surprises from mummy and daddy so please don't ask dd or expect her not to share information with us even when it's something little and harmless. We're trying to protect her by making sure she knows that secrets can be dangerous."

The fact they are generally difficult means your dh needs to go in with a stronger approach and if he thinks they won't take that on board then they don't sound like they can be appropriate with her the way you need them to. This will be a hard line for me as well op, I work in safeguarding and its so important children are taught from the very start that noone should be telling them to keep secrets from mummy or daddy. Most adults should know better in this day and age.

That's going to do wonders for the relationship if they took her to buy OP a mother's day present.

The sensible thing is for DH to bring up what DD said in a fairly light way, until he knows what they were actually doing. Once he knows whether it was about a Mother's Day gift or about blatantly and excessively overstepping a boundary, he can continue the conversation appropriately.

Of course you are not too strict, and there is nothing wrong with having rules for your child. Fizzy drinks are not that healthy and your DD is not even 3. The sugar free ones are full of shit to replace the sugar. The odd treat is ok. And every thing in moderation. You have every right to make those rules. My kids hardly ever had fizzy drinks. One did not like them and the other got it as a treat.

This rings huge warning bells in my ears. I think you need to be careful with letting them take her out. That's sneaky, toxic behaviour.

Hate it, hate it, hate it. First of all, family shouldn't keep secrets, it is wrong. Secondly, they are teaching your child to be deceitful, wrong, wrong, wrong. Yes I'm angry, I've been a victim of deceit. I'd tell them face to face, not to teach my child to be deceitful. The subject may be minor, but the deceit is major.

Personally I would sit them down and tell them I know they told .y child not to tell me something whether they admit it or not. I would then tell them if they ever do so again it will be the last time they are alone with my child. My child needs to know that they tell me everything, because they should never be made to not tell a parent something. It leaves them open to potential abusers as it starts a culture of hiding things and keeping secrets. It installs a sense that it is normal to keep things from parents so when someone that should not be trusted asks the same thing the child does not question it.

If you can't tell Mummy you should be able to tell Daddy... You should never have a secret you can't tell one of your parents.

Nope ... children should never be encouraged to keep secrets from mummy and daddy because, yes it may be innocent but if there's a non-innocent situation, a child wouldn't know what's an acceptable secret from mummy and what isn't. Kids should be taught that safe adults don't ask children to keep secrets. I wouldn't have SIL taking LO anywhere without me present.

I used to have a gorgeous aunt who would give me sweets and fizzy drinks and always say ‘don’t tell mummy” with a wink. It’s probably harmless so if you are going to approach the subject with them I suggest you do so gently.