Daughter told not to tell Mummy by family member.

[dragonkeeper321]

First time poster but long time reader.

DD went out with MIL and SIL. When DD returned home, the first thing she said to me was 'SIL told me not to tell Mummy something'. DD is almost 3 and hasn't ever said this before. She then proceeded to say something silly like 'nothing exciting' every time I asked about her day. Again, completely out of the ordinary and not something I have heard her say before.

Bit of background, MIL/SIL regularly ask to take DD out for the day and DD loves them both dearly. I'm always happy for the time to myself. I ask what their plans are so I can prepare clothing, snacks, my own day etc. which is completely normal in my head but I'm always met with animosity and I have to ask multiple times before they tell me their plans. MIL has also given DD snacks and drinks that she isn't allowed when with her. Fizzy drinks etc.

This latest incident has really angered me and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I don't think I am, I think saying anything to a child followed by 'don't tell parents' is really wrong and not a habit I want DD to even be aware of at this age.

I've asked DH to deal with this because I'm so angry. He agrees he is on my side and it isn't correct but can't do anything if they deny they said anything to DD.

Yep, surprise/try not to mention it until X event = something nice that will be told on the occasion eg SIL helped DD plant some bulbs so she can give you a flowerpot next Sunday.

Secret/don't tell = laying bad habits for child to be more likely to be groomed later on.

I'm sure your DH can explain this distinction to his unhelpful sister & mother. And maybe even ask that they don't bother taking her out if it's too hard for them to keep away from the fizzy pop/junk food while they're out? It sounds like you'd send her with snacks or a packed lunch if asked.

So fundamentally this is about them thinking you're not parenting DD right and their way is better. I wouldn't be mad keen for much more of that!

They obviously said something as a 2 year old wouldn’t make that up. It probably was to do with sweets/ fizzy drinks. Once she’s a bit older she will tell you everything, my DC does.

I don’t think it’s overbearing to want to know where they are going.

Yabu to not know where you dd is 24/7...unless ils can accommodate this they visit only..

I used to work in Safeguarding and asking children to keep secrets is a bit of a "no no" from my experience but clearly I have a different insight as to how asking a child to keep a secret could cover up things that shouldn't be happening...

Difficult one to manage as one wouldn't want to spoil a surprise such as a birthday treat or special surprise but I really don't think it should be encouraged and it also undermines you.

I agree with pickledandpuzzled and a few others with similar advice - your child should be advised to say that "I don't keep secrets"

My DM would say to my DC don't tell mummy when she fed them white chocolate buttons. Anything else, it would not be ok to say.

We have always been a no secrets family, from when the kids were born tbh so it was non negotiable by the time they could speak.

We have surprises, birthday presents, parties, cards bought in advance. But the kids understand that a surprise is something that will be revealed at a future moment and it's OK to keep them.

I'm a grandma myself and I have never asked my grandchildren to keep anything secret from their parents. On the contrary, like today I gave my 4year old grandson a candy (about 10 gr.) as a special treat - I told my daughter myself and also that it was an exception. I would never do anything to lose the trust my children have in me concerning their little ones.

I think you or you DH need to have a chat with then about the differance between secrets and surprises.
Depending how often they see them I would let the odd 'treet' food go.

So, could be a nice surprise in the planning, or she has been given something to eat that you don't approve of, but it also could be something like she ran away/or stepped off the kerb as children that age are prone to do, and they are worried that you might stop outings if you found out.
You could get DH to ask her what it is, as she has been told not to tell YOU, but daddy would like to know and that is OK.

Just listen to yourself. If you don't like or trust MIL and SIL, then don't hand your child over. It's ridiculous that you're questioning your child. Your "free and spare" time is not worth it. Plan social family events all together - and if you can't stomach it, then lead more separate lives. But do not - "Oh I want the day to myself, and I hate the in-laws and I'll question my child to incriminate them ...."

Exactly what I was thinking, I would definitely tell MIL, and SIL that no matter what it's about, my child is not EVER to be told to keep a secret from me. I would also be drilling it into my kid too!

Any conversation/action between any relatives and your child shouldn't be kept secret - relationships are built on trust and keeping secrets about anything is the exact opposite. Your child needs to feel able to say absolutely anything to you and not to feel awkward that other adults have said not to - they need to be responsible for following your lead and supporting your wishes, she's your child x

She is a toddler

Its highly likely she is mistaken

Actually, I have to disagree. In my experience with my own 3 kids, my 3 grandchildren, and all the toddlers I worked with in the nursery I worked at, younger children are much less likely to come out with something like "blah blah said I mustn't tell my mummy" or "told me not to tell you"!

This in spades. You have surprised which means the other person always finds out, there are never any secrets. Kids won’t know which secrets to keep or break when an abuser tells them the same thing

Just as another perspective, I’m an aunt and if it wasn’t for mumsnet I wouldn’t have ever been aware of the horror parents view asking a child to keep a secret with. I think it’s a relatively new (last 20 years or so thing) , and whilst it makes complete sense to me it really wouldn’t have crossed my mind that it was such a no no.

If you want to have a good secrets and bad secrets rule; or no secrets; or secrets and surprises rule that’s fine but you do need to communicate this to family members.

Haydenn
I think there's been a shift in how people view safeguarding, or at the very least how a reasonable number of people view safeguarding.

The shift from "stranger danger/don't get in cars with strange men" and the idea that predators give off weird creepy old man vibes towards a more evidence informed approach about grooming, predators grooming families, greater awareness that harm being more likely to come to children from adults close to them etc is a big shift.

At the same time as that shift there's been a shift in consent and bodily autonomy too. Campaigns such as the Pantosaurus have done a good job of teaching children about safe and unsafe behaviours and the importance of telling trusted adults if they're worries is also huge. The idea that children can say "no" to unwanted hugs and kisses has been accepted more.

All combined together there seems to be a greater recognition that whilst parents can't ensure no harm will ever happen, we can do a huge amount to teach our children about healthy and unhealthy behaviours but it's certainly not mainstream yet.

But there's still threads on here where dozens of posters (rather creepily in my opinion) get very annoyed and claim it's "so sad" that grandparents and relatives shouldn't be able to demand a child gives them the physical contact and kisses the ADULT wants, and lots of posts where people think it's entirely acceptable to undermine their relatives' parenting and then teach children in their family to lie to their parents. There's a long way to go before some adults get it

THIS ^

but this close to Mother’s Day I would be saying ‘unless it’s a nice surprise for mummy like a birthday present or cake then you must never hide secrets from mummy/Daddy… it’s totally wrong that they are reluctant to tell you where they take DD & awful that they feed her junk behind your back…. I’d be stopping visits and find it odd you haven’t done so before now

I agree but also disagree…
I have a crush but don’t tell
anyone isn’t exactly a harmful secret to tell your parents.. it’s hardly going to get round school from a parent.

I also think it is important that kids don’t keep friends secrets from their parents…. We’ve recently had an incident where my DD was told a huge secret by her friend and told not to tell
anyone…. She is sensible and did tell me and it was the kind of secret that causes welfare concerns! So I’d definitely prefer that even teenagers shared ‘secrets’ with their parents than not…
my DD is great at keeping peoples secrets from other friends, has kept one friends secret since year 2, having only ever shared it with me, she’s also been a great support in juniors to friends who have revealed abuse and supported them to tell an adult!
Being able to keep secrets but still telling a parent are two separate issues. In fact some things she’s told me I’ve reiterated how important it is that she never shares it with anyone else even if they fall out big time (things like a child is adopted/fostered etc)… and she hasn’t… so telling me has actually benefitted her and the other child.
She’s now at seniors and we have a very positive honest relationship & she’s shocked at how gossipy other kids are because she’s so great at keeping friends confidences !

I have a crush is a confidence
We're getting mummy a nice present is a surprise

There is no reason to ever use secret.

I'm with you OP. It's probably something silly like a treat they allowed your DD or a nice thing planned for you for Mother's Day but I'd still be pissed off. I had something similar with my DM and it really bugged me.

T1Dmama
You sound like you've done a great job creating healthy boundaries and a positive relationship with your DC.

At work I've seen situations where children have been told something as a secret that they're not meant to tell, but it's too big for them to carry. When they came and spoke to me, I always said that it's right to speak to a trusted adult if a secret from a friend leaves them feeling uncomfortable or worried.
They're children and some things are not their burdens to carry.

Sorry for lack of delay getting back to you all.

Both have now admitted it was said but blamed each other. One apologised. I feel they think the issue is with the fizz and not the fact they told DD to 'not to tell Mummy'. The continuous lack of honesty means they obviously won't be supporting me in unpicking this with DD but I have faith that we can work on that ourselves. It seems silly but I can see those words, coming from such a trusted person, causing us an issue in the future if not managed properly.

Thank you all for your comments. It really validated my feelings reading and gauging everything you'd suggested before acting.

I'm very proud of my DD in saying anything to me in the first place... she said it as soon as we had left them so hoping that's a sign she knew something wasn't right. Safe the say they won't be unsupervised with DD anytime soon.

Good on you @dragonkeeper321 , I wouldn’t want them taking DC out again either. Dreadful