Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

You need to find a way to get over this. Sorry.

So you’d rather stay with a man you’re willing to divorce and have a third boy with him? Or, what’s your plan if the third is a boy? You’ll still divorce him and have 3 boys? Or you’ll suddenly be happy with your husband?

Or you’ll divorce him now and have 2 boys and no third kid? Or you’ll go and have a third baby solo?

The plan doesn’t make much sense to me. I understand that the emotions are winning here but it doesn’t sound like much of a plan at this point.

(I have 2 boys and a girl. It’s literally the same love and bond and experience. It’s really not worth the angst, they’re all individual people who you love the same as you would if they were the opposite sex)

I would go and get some therapy to see if you can change how you feel.

You cant force him to have another child but living with the resentment is going to drive a wedge in your marriage anyway.

No one should be pressured into having a child they don't want. Your husband has the absolute right to say no and you have the absolute right to decide to stay or leave on that basis.

To state the obvious, what are you going to do if you have a third boy? Do not have a child if you can’t handle their gender and clearly your husband is not on board either.

I think you need to speak to someone about why you are so desperate for a girl and what is it that your sons are not giving you because it will have an impact on your relationships.

Get some therapy before you ruin your son’s lives .

YABVU, what if it was another boy? Would you try for a 4th? Then what?

I think the statistics are that if you have 2 children of the same sex, you’re approximately 70% likely to have another of the same sex. Most men don’t have exactly 50% equal male and female sperm.

I'm sure i read somewhere that statistically if you have 2 boys and then have a 3rd it is more likely to be another boy (not 50-50 odds!).
What will you do if he agrees and it's another boy? Will it always be one more try until you can't conceive any longer?

That’s a fast track to sending your boys to therapy isn’t it when they grow up for divorcing their father because you actually wanted a girl.

There is no guarantee you are going to have a girl if you have a third child. You are willing to break up your family as your 2 boys are not enough for you as you would prefer a girl, how do you think that will impact them? Better you get therapy before they need it

OP I sympathise because I have a daughter I always wanted. I’m not sure the longing would have gone away very easily. You can’t force your husband to have another child and there are concerns here about how you’re going to cope if you have another boy anyway.
I think I would have found it very hard myself if my DH hadn’t wanted a 3rd child, my longing for a 3rd was very strong. Only you can decide if your marriage can withstand this. I would definitely get yourself some counselling to work through your feelings

I really don't think you should have a third child if this is how you feel - what if it's an (unwanted) boy? I think you should have therapy before the fact that you're spending your days crying over not having a daughter starts affecting your sons.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

You made a decision to have a child a couple of years earlier than you wanted. This is in no way comparable to having a child you don't want at all, which is the "compromise" you want from him.

What they all said.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

So what is your plan if it is a boy? Try for the 4th? And what if it is a girl but you don't have a close relationship? Or what happens if you are still stuck at the idea of having 3 girls? Go on until you have 7 children.
I am sure you can see that this is not a reasonable line of thinking. By all means, leave your husband if you feel like this is what you want to do but don't pretend that it is the answer to all your troubles.
Personally, I would explore this in therapy.

You do need to hear it..
A girl cannot be guaranteed. Be happy with your lot or accept if you have another one you may end up with three boys.

I have a friend who had five boys trying for a girl. She wanted to keep going because she was obsessed but her dh finally had a vasectomy to stop the insanity. I have one of each sex and honestly it's not that different raising a boy or a girl. They all have the same basic needs.

I would probably try and talk to a professional about this, and see if there's any way you can move forward.

I think it would have a terrible impact on your children and your relationship with them if they found out in the future you'd left their dad and caused them to grown up with separated parents for a hypothetical third child that didn't exist, and especially just to have a girl. That could cause some huge issues for them and you later down the line.

It's a pretty nuclear and selfish idea to be honest

When I had my DS there was a lady in the bed next to me who had just had her sixth boy. There’s no guarantee you would have a daughter. You are holding on to a fantasy that might never became a reality. You should only have a 3rd child if it’s because you want a 3rd child as you might not get a daughter anyway. You both have to be on board to have children and your DH probably knows if you had another DS you would want to try again so where would it stop?

One of my mum‘s friends sadly had a stillborn daughter.

She went on to have 6 boys trying to have another girl. Baby number 7 was a girl, but with 6 big brothers she didn’t become the Shirley-Temple-ringletted, dressed in frills daughter her mother wanted. It was a fiery relationship and the daughter ended up playing professional rugby………

Honestly, this attitude and obsession with needing children of a certain sex is just bat shit crazy to me. You have children because you want children- not because you want to live out some childhood fantasy.
YABTOTALLYU to even consider breaking up your family over this. You need to have some counselling to help you to deal with this obsession. It's really not fair to take it out on your husband and children.

Yabu and very bratty.
I feel sorry for your husband that his wife is considering breaking up the family for this. What if you had another son?
Appreciate how lucky you are to have your two kids and husband

So you are willing to destroy your boys family unit to what, find a new man and have another (maybe) boy within a few short years, while dealing with the aftermath of a divorce and needing to bring this unknown man into your boys lives with little time or care taken?

it is genuinely selfish.

I get that you are fixated on the single issue of a daughter but what kind of life would you be bringing her into anyway. Certainly a worse one than you currently can offer your existing kids.

Get some counselling. Your way of thinking is dangerous to you and your family.

I understand the longing for a girl.
But honestly it sounds like everything else is ok in the marriage
And like people say there's no guarantee you'll get a girl
So it just seems crazy to break up over this
So I have to agree with the others that it might be best to seek help for you over all this

Yep.

The odds of you first getting a girl, then a girl who is exactly as you picture, are slim.