Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

And how does your DH feel seeing all the responses in his favour? Does he agree you need therapy?

The point of my post is the resentment I am feeling towards my husband for not being willing to try for a daughter. Which I also say I understand is his prerogative. I can't help how I feel.

Then you need therapy, not a glib MN post.

Your feelings of wanting a dd are of course valid and understandable. The resentment you feel to your dh is not. I imagine it's easier to blame him than to try and deal with your feelings of loss. But you do need to deal with them.

Gently as possible... you need help to get over this obsessive need for a girl

"I am longing for a daughter ON TOP of the amazing boys I already have."

What would having a daughter give you that having two sons, or indeed three sons, wouldn't?

By the time you find another partner who wants another child it may be to late for you to have a baby.

Why would you spilt up your sons life's for an obsessive unhealthy need? With all due respect you need to stop and get some therapy.

"What would having a daughter give you that having two sons, or indeed three sons, wouldn't?"

Frilly dresses now and nail appointments in the future. Unless she's not into all.that eh?

Okay. Why didn't you have therapy/counselling than go through IVF for a daughter? As someone who had four rounds of IVF for infertility I think nobody would voluntary go through that. Hopefully it will be banned for all but medical reasons soon. "Family balancing" ..🤢

Your sons are going to find out that you wanted a daughter so much you made this post

They are going to feel resentment and bitter

My original post says clearly that I can't and won't leave my husband due to my boys.

Perhaps I could have gone in to more detail but it clearly stated I wouldn't leave him.

I think I made clear that I adore my boys and they are my world. I would not have them any other way.

The point of my post is the resentment I feel due to him not wanting to try for a third.

Maybe your husband thinks that you are probably going to have a boy and he doesn't want to risk his child feeling rejected?

OP, our GP when I was small, had 6 boys. His wife had wanted a girl and wanted to keep trying.

They stopped at 6. Where will you stop?

You aren't being reasonable. I think therapy is probably where you go next.

What if you did have a daughter and she turned out to be a Tom boy or trans? Or you kept having babies that were boys?

I would stop at 3.

If this is true then you need therapy.

He agrees I need therapy and felt this before posting.

I feel therapy won't change how I feel.

As much as everyone here can act like it isnt, gender disappointment is a real thing and it's more common then you would realise.

There is a bigger picture though OP. Say your husband gave in and you have another child and it's a boy... when will it end? How would you deal with that?

Don't be ashamed for seeking help to help you process not having a daughter.

There's lots of things I wanted in my life that I haven't had... but you can't throw everything away for something which isn't guaranteed.

The point of therapy isn’t to change how you feel. It’s to help you understand your reasons for feeling that way, and then to address those reasons. I’m guessing they relate to your own childhood. That is what therapy will help you to come to terms with. This isn’t about an imaginary child - it’s about you (and probably your own mother).

To the extent of using IVF to get one yes it is. Glad you found it easy though!

You've pretty much hit the nail on the head but didn't want to go in to detail on this...

Still nothing to do with having a girl. You're desperate for a girl, but having another child won't guarantee that.

YABVVVU

Absolutely batshit crazy and selfish to boot. Get a hold of yourself.

I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side. ended up with two boys... longing for a daughter will not ever go away.

Absolute fantasy world - no different than you saying - i always imagined myself married to Elvis Presley, i can picture every element of our lives, and i can't get over this. Except because he's dead you'd be told to get your shit together; well you need to be told to get your shit together.

You're telling your boys they aren't enough; if you had a daughter that would be enhanced to the millionth degree. They just are not good enough, they don't fill your need for children, they will always be second best.
Better start them on therapy.

Your husband - hes not your partner - your choice in life, your soul mate - the one you envisage every element of your life with from this day til you die? hes just the sperm donor. If not him then any other man with a penis and reproductive swimmers.

Stop focussing on this fantasy; it'll ruin your life and that of your children, it'll ruin your family.

I mean, if you're that dead-set on having a daughter, then go and have sex selection IVF in Cyprus and that way you won't end up with a load of unwanted baby boys. Whether that's an option or not I don't know. Therapy is probably cheaper but guaranteeing a girl is an option.