Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

To reply to a few posts. I am not blackmailing my husband. I have said in my original post that I appreciate I cannot force someone to want a third child and that his feeling are equally valid.

I am expressing how I feel and the emotions that are surfacing due to this longing of a daughter.

Some posts have been helpful.

The ones saying "poor son's" are not.

I love my boys more than anything in this world and do not wish to replace them. I wish to add a daughter to our family unit and I will never ever love my sons any less.

I suspect there are deeper issues here which are contributing to your unhappiness. But the idea that you don’t have three daughters is an easy scape goat for you.

We all imagine our lives differently when we are young, but we grow up and we grow out of those ideas. What has stopped you from doing that?

Are there deeper reasons that you are unhappy with your life? Have you explored these honestly with yourself or a counsellor?

Why didn't you have therapy instead of sex selection IVF? Not on the OP's side but you can't tell her she needs therapy when maybe you should have done.

I honestly find it upsetting to read your post in which you are so oblivious to your good fortune with the family you have, that you are contemplating breaking up your children's home to attempt to fulfil some childhood fantasy. How would they feel if they find out afterwards your reason for doing this, that they weren't enough to make you happy?

I find it upsetting that you actually wrote 'it's sod's law that I have ended up with two boys'. When so many women struggle to have any children at all.

I suppose it is also 'sod's law' that after fertility treatment I finally managed to have one child, though with severe physical and learning disabilities. And I would have loved to have more children possibly daughters - but that's life. I have to accept what cannot be, and appreciate what is - today I & my DS are very happy. But you will understand why I can't have much patience with you

I really don't want to be unkind to you, I believe that you are suffering. But for the sake of you & especially your children you need to find a way of dealing with it without making them suffer too.

Why did your DH choose your header?

Why is it that this fantasy of a positive mother-daughter relationship is important to you? Did you not have a relationship with your mother? Or was it a poor relationship? There’s something here that needs unpicking.

Your DH doesn't want a third. Absolutely awful to try to pressure him into a child he does not want. You either need to accept that or move on. Though I think it is hugely egoistic to break up your family for your own desires in these circumstances. Is there any way you can get help to accept the status quo?

Thing is OP is 3 kids is a lot- most people have 2 children for a reason. I have 2 girls and my husband had to accept never having a son, and if I’d had a boy I would have accepted I wouldn’t have had sisters etc.
I honestly think you need help to work through your feelings rather than have another child. My husband could threaten me with divorce I don’t want any more children- when someone is done they are done.

What would you do if you had a third child and it was a boy, would you have a fourth? What would you do if you had a girl but she didn't actually fit into this image of a daughter you have?
How would leaving your husband help? That won't get you pregnant with a daughter.
If you love your husband get some therapy and learn to be happy with the lovely family you have.

Oh, for goodness sake OP.... this is real life and, you know, none of us can have everything we want to fulfil our stupid, idealised fantasies. Your husband lives in the real world and you are lucky to have him.

Would you do the whole “selective abortion” thing until you get pregnant with a girl? Or would you have another boy and then go for round 4 to try and get the girl? When would it end?

Really, you need to get over it. Get therapy if you need to.

God I'd hate to be your daughter. Or your son. Imagine the weight of expectation you're being asked to shoulder. Either you fail by being male, or you fail to live up to whatever rigid stereotyped frilly bullshit you have in your head.

I'm the third child and chased-for girl. It's shit. Once I got past the age of being a pretty biddable toddler being led by my mother's wishes and started having my own ideas I have continued to be a disappointing daughter. I could never live up to my mum's fantasy of what having a daughter would be. In fact, I have no idea what her hopes were but basically I don't think she considered me as a person until I was one. It's also a fuck-ton of pressure on me to be something my brothers aren't. It resulted in a really difficult dynamic since puberty, and while I love my mum, our relationship isn't great. You really need to consider what you're asking of a daughter, if you ever have one. It's not fair. Not mention how your sons might feel about it, my poor brothers know my mum wanted a girl more.

This may sound harsh, but you need to find a good therapist. With whom will you have a third child if you divorce your husband over this? I feel dreadful for a third child who may make the mistake of being born a boy.

If it's a girl you desperately want rather than a baby the only way to achieve that with a 100% success rate is to adopt. Have a serious discussion with your DH about adopting a girl if you really cannot imagine life without a daughter. Obviously you would need to provide the girl with a secure and stable upbringing, I'm not convinced from your OP that you are in that place right now.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

I've read all your replies and you never addressed this - so what would you do if baby number 3 was another boy?

And to sum up most people's replies and my own thoughts - YABridiculouslyU.

Yes I can. I think you are a hypocrite. She needs therapy but you don't. Personally I think to go for sex selective IVF there must be something wrong. Doing it for medical reasons obviously exempt.

I may be a little biased since I have 5 sons but never wanted a girl.

Because it was his idea to post and he thought a "catchy header" would get more responses.

I realize now that many seem to have fixated on the header as opposed to the content and assume I am going to leave my husband and destroy my son's lives. Or that I don't love my sons or value what I have.

The point of my post is the resentment I am feeling towards my husband for not being willing to try for a daughter. Which I also say I understand is his prerogative. I can't help how I feel.

You don't want to hear it's a boy but you need to. Ok, you harangue him into unprotected sex. You get pregnant. It's a boy. Now what? You might love your boys you it's on because you always thought you'd get your upgrade. If THIS one is another boy, you're put of options with DH.

Or he's going to have a bitter wife angry that his sperm made three boys. Or a depressed woman who cannot imagine a future without a daughter. Or one who doesn't bond with this last chance saloon failure

I would not risk traumatizing my children! Please read my post all the way to the end...

Hmm I have 2 boys who I love MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD but I also lost a pregnancy 3 years beforehand. I don't know why but I feel like she was a girl. I DO wish I had my boys and an older daughter, so I sort of understand. But only sort of. I in no way wish my boys were girls, nor do I want another. I just wish I had their big sister too. (Which is sort of crazy because maybe it was a boy anyway)
But then if I had her (if she was a "her") then my whole life would be different and I probably wouldn't have one or both of my boys so I don't really.
But you absolutely need to accept that even if you had another baby, they could be a boy. Or even twin boys. Then what?
And actually like a PP said I think the danger would be that if you did have a girl she'd be your golden child. It could ruin the relationship with your sons and maybe you and her would have a bad relationship anyway because of the pressure on her to be perfect. It could likely end up an absolute disaster.
Please stop pushing your husband for this.

Oh my god. Yes!!!