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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Third child or divorce AIBU

674 replies

Stephjea · 01/03/2024 13:31

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

OP posts:

Mamoun · 01/03/2024 13:47

You need to see a therapist to find out why you can't get this idea of a girl out of your head. Did you have brothers? Sisters ?
Whatever happens your children are not you. Stop projecting on them.
YABU

Chairwoman · 01/03/2024 13:47

I understand the longing to a certain extent, I have 3 boys and as I’m an only child with 5 aunties (no birth related uncles) coming from a very female oriented family - I just expected to have a girl eventually. Obviously 3 boys in I no longer expect that 🤣 and I’m very happy.

You sound very, very obsessed with this. I think you need to be extremely careful, it’s more likely to be another boy. Do you think it’s right to have a child because you’ve got two of the ‘wrong sex’.

Your husband has said no so I really think you need to get therapy and leave it. And I want another child, with a husband who does too, but not to try for a girl. Just to try for another baby. I’m logical enough to know it doesn’t work like that!

SecondUsername4me · 01/03/2024 13:48

Imagine if you had your "preferred" 3 daughters and your husband threatened to divorce you if you didn't try for a fourth and it was a boy?

MyLemonBee · 01/03/2024 13:49

Please focus on the children you have rather than the one in your imagination.

A divorce will ruin their lives.

Forcing a third child on your husband will ruin your relationship and therefore, your childrens' lives.

You need to find a way to live with what you have.

Sorry, I'm sure you wanted different input but the two options you have outlined - forcing a third kid or getting a divorce are both dreadful ideas. You need to think of a third way.

YankSplaining · 01/03/2024 13:49

My husband always wanted to have at least one daughter and at least one son. We had a daughter first, and when we found out our second baby was also going to be a girl, he was kind of quiet about it for a couple hours. Then he moved on.

Before we had any kids, we thought we wanted three, but I had severe postpartum depression with both our daughters and also felt like two kids was the limit for what I could handle. So he got a vasectomy, because his real wife and his real marriage were more important to him than a hypothetical son.

if I hadn’t had daughters, I think I would have been disappointed too, OP. All the things I was excited to do and share with my kids were things girls tend to like more than boys. But your real husband and your real marriage are more important than a hypothetical daughter. I think for everyone’s sake, including your own, you’ve just got to make peace with this in your mind.

Coconutter24 · 01/03/2024 13:50

You sound like a spoilt brat throwing their toys out the pram. Your husband has given valid reasons why not to have another baby and you’re disregarding all that just because you long for a girl! Say you have a baby…. It’s a boy, would you stay married to your husband and hope he’ll want a fourth try? Or would you leave him now with 3 kids in tow? Or you don’t have a baby and divorce your husband and either have no baby at all or have a baby with someone and that turns out to be another boy, then what?

Thedance · 01/03/2024 13:50

I know you don't want to hear this but you need to get some help to try and overcome this. You need to think very carefully about what it is about having a daughter that means so much to you.
Because at the moment your strength of feeling is not healthy for you your family and even for any potential daughter you may have. Because a real life daughter may not be your fantasy daughter. She might not like doing the things you think a daughter might like you and she might clash.

strawberryswizzler · 01/03/2024 13:52

so you’d destroy your family and your children’s home for your own wants that potentially might not happen anyway? you don’t need a daughter, you need a therapist

strawberryswizzler · 01/03/2024 13:52

also your husband is entitled to say no to this. if i were him id be off for a vasectomy asap

Giveupnow · 01/03/2024 13:53

FWIW, I have one of each. My DD is stubborn, defiant and likes trains, diggers and dinosaurs. My DS is quiet, affectionate and far, far easier to deal with than his sister.

Barneysma2 · 01/03/2024 13:53

Oh for gods sake get a grip, you have two boys, be grateful for what you have. You are so so unreasonable, you are talking about wanting to leave your husband which will ultimately disrupt your two boys lives for a child that doesn't even exist and that might not even be a girl? Unbelievable. You compromised for your husband by having a child earlier than you would have liked but it was still a child that you wanted, whereas you are asking your husband to have a child he doesn't even want - a big difference there. What if you leave him and then don't meet anyone else to have a child with? You really need to get over this and quick because your husband and kids don't deserve you moping round crying for a child that doesn't exist when you have two boys there who you do have.

Artesia · 01/03/2024 13:53

What is it you are looking for from having a daughter? She'd be a person, not an accessory for you, and you'd be putting an untenable amount of pressure on her, and on your relationship with her, to live up to whatever it is you are expecting it to be.

Candleabra · 01/03/2024 13:54

Is this a reverse? I can’t believe anyone would type this out tbh. Of course you’re unreasonable. Your poor boys.

beAsensible1 · 01/03/2024 13:54

No of course you shouldn’t blow up your family for the small chance you meet someone else and conceive a girl.

there’s a thread yesterday from someone who did sex selective donor ivf and still ended up with a boy.

get some help and try to be happy with your children. Maybe theres a niece or goddaughter you could give a bit of extra care/energy to help with this.
I love my godmother, she’s definitely like a 2nd mother.

I hope you can find peace.

underthebun · 01/03/2024 13:55

I think there must be more underlying as it's crazy to break up a family on the off chance you conceive a specific gender for your 3rd dc

What0nEarthIsThis · 01/03/2024 13:55

I think you will be really happy when you get two daughters in law. Maybe you just need to stick with your two boys and your husband so you can be in the middle of the action when those two wonderful daughters in law arrive? If you get really friendly with the daughters in law then you will also get to have a lot of fun with the grand daughters.

Switcher · 01/03/2024 13:55

My third is a girl. I can safely say that lovely though she is, I can't see us being best buddies in the way you might be picturing. My boys on the other hand, they'll be mine forever. Only slightly joking.

ZoeCM · 01/03/2024 13:56

Apart from anything else, I would seriously worry about the impact on your sons if you had a daughter. I think it's safe to say you'd favour her.

underthebun · 01/03/2024 13:56

One of my relatives wanted a daughter after 3 boys. Her daughter and her do not get on at all and as adults have a very fractured relationship.

Whaleandsnail6 · 01/03/2024 13:57

You need to find a way past this. I think you should look into counselling as you are not being logical at all.

So you end your marriage to try and have a daughter? Where will the sperm come from? There is no guarantee you will find another partner who wants a child, can have a child or that you will have a girl.

Or would it be sperm donation? Thats not a magical, easy fix all. And if it did work and you got your baby, how would your youngest feel watching her older brother's spend time with their father when she doesnt have one?

If you love your husband and are happy in your marriage in other areas, work through this to accept you wont have another child and take steps to help you become happy with the life you have

Bananasandtoast · 01/03/2024 13:57

I agree with PP. Therapy.
None of this is healthy and to be honest your boys and your husband deserve better. Babies deserve to wanted and cherished no matter what.

Topjoe19 · 01/03/2024 13:58

Throw yourself into being a mum to the 2 boys you have. Do your best job of bringing them up to be men that are respectful kind and decent to women. I'd focus my all on that. YANBU to feel how you feel but YABU to disrupt a family because of it

Redglitter · 01/03/2024 13:58

So you divorce your husband & split up your family. Your sons now don't get to grow up in a home with 2 parents because your desire was more important than the other 3 lives in your family

So IF you go ahead with this great plan you now need to meet another partner. You're going to be fast approaching 40. So the chances are a new partner will be the same age & also be divorced. He's therefore probably highly unlikely to want to start another family & even if he does youre more likely to have another son

Or you don't meet someone else. What then. You're then a single parent and still with no daughter & 2 little boys who's lives you've screwed up because they weren't enough for you

You need to get over this & be grateful for what you have. A husband & healthy children.

coxesorangepippin · 01/03/2024 13:58

If the op is true, then yes, you need to get over a childish dream

Health47 · 01/03/2024 13:58

How would you feel if your husband actually longed for a daughter and he was threatening divorce because you couldn’t give him one?

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