Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

I wouldn't want to be having my sleep wrecked aged 42 with a newborn baby either. Your DH is right to put his foot down on this.

So how many unwanted boys do you expect your husband to go along with until you get your girl?

Seek therapy.

What exactly is it that you want from this thread, OP?

That is what I was thinking.

Also it's incredibly sexist and stereotypical to assume you'll have some sort of amazing bond and experience with a girl that you won't get with your 2 boys. They are all just people with their own personalities.

What if you got a proper tomboy who didn't want to wear dresses and go on spa days? Would you feel as resentful towards her as you obviously do to your boys.

Poor lads.

I too think you need to talk this through with someone.

I suppose the big question is...why? Why do you want a girl, and what do you imagine is so different to having a boy? A therapist would be able to work through this with you.

Your feelings are valid, but your husband doesn't want another (for very sensible reasons) and this is something you will have to find a way through. Crying every day about this is not normal behaviour.

Hope you find the help you need x

My mum was like this with me. I'm her only daughter and I think she had this idea in her head of having this wonderful girly girl sort of relationship with me, but I turned out nothing like my mum. I was always a tomboy, into outdoor things, doing martial arts, listening to rock music etc that kind of thing, and I always got on much better with my dad. It came to a head in my teens when my mum had some kind of breakdown as she couldn't really control me anymore by putting me in girly clothes. I remember one time when I was 13 and I was about to go out to the cinema with my friends. I wore baggy jeans and a band t-shirt like most of my friends (boys and girls) did. My mum snapped and basically refused to let me go out until I changed into something that she thought was more acceptable as she said she would be embarrassed if I went out like that and "what would (friend's name)'s mum think of me if I let you go out like that?!" We had a massive argument and she forced me to wear some clothes I wore on holiday from a year previously which were some some chunky sandals, a frilly skirt thing and a flowery top which I never would have chosen to wear in a million years. I was so embarrassed and all of my friends laughed at me. I remember feeling so self conscious as I haven't shaved my legs (as I was planning on wearing jeans so it wouldn't have mattered). Every single one of my friends thought it was hilarious that my mum had forced me to wear "trendy clothes". That was thankfully the only time she tried anything like that and I refused to let her dictate to me what I wore after that as I got older. But when I was about 16 or so I grew out of my tomboy phase anyway and I got more into makeup, doing my hair, wearing more feminine clothes etc.

However even though I'm now 35 I've never forgotten how I felt that day. I've brought it up with her since and of course she claims she doesn't even remember it at all.
So OP if you do get to have your daughter then please don't be that mum.

Get a grip, 42 is no age, men usually bloody sleep through the night wakings, also the option for him to sleep in a different room, the newborn stage is very short. Such bloody stupid justification for you to claim he's right to "put his foot down".

What about all of the love and joy a baby brings (regardless of sex), the years of laughter and pride of watching them grow up. So many things to negate out your stupid reasoning.

Get a grip, 42 is no age, men usually bloody sleep through the night wakings, also the option for him to sleep in a different room, the newborn stage is very short. Such bloody stupid justification for you to claim he's right to "put his foot down".

What about all of the love and joy a baby brings (regardless of sex), the years of laughter and pride of watching them grow up. So many things to negate out your stupid reasoning.

A longing for a specific gendered child is relatively common, but is it right? Is it healthy, for either you or the future child? Is it something to indulge, or should you try to soften it through therapy etc?

OP, you say you don't have dreams of pink frills etc, but you surely must have some vision of what having a daughter would be like? Otherwise you wouldn't want it so much. So whatever you're picturing, it's a vision that is so strong it's causing you mental pain/anguish. Is it fair to have a daughter just to enact such a vision?

Maybe she won't want to go on mother-daughter spa days, maybe she won't want to discuss her first period with you, maybe she will have no interest in asking you about boys, maybe she won't want to climb trees like you did as a kid. Or maybe she'll want to do all of the above, but you have a different vision.

You've hinted your longing is due to your own childhood. So you would be using a future daughter to try to heal your own past trauma? I really think therapy is the way to go here. Even if you decide to go ahead with a 3rd, therapy could guide you on how to ensure your m-d relationship remains healthy and not pressuring.

I would not be wanting a child with a DH who slept through night wakings and had very little to do with parenting of a baby.

Many people don’t want to go back to baby stage after they have been through it and are now on the other side.

Also need to look forward to how old you would be when DC are teenagers

I am the daughter in this situation. My mum really wanted a girl, and I was her 'favourite' throughout my childhood. My brother, 2 years older, definitely knew about this even though my mum never ever expressed her favoritism to us in anyway.

I was unintentionally put under a lot of pressure to meet her expectation, or at least to be a good girl my mum has always wanted. I had a good relationship with her, but I really wanted to keep my distance from her as she always wanted to have some special bond only mother and daughter can have. I wasn't really big on the idea though. I felt, probably selfishly, it was all just too much.

I now live 8000 miles away from my parents, and even though she didn't do anything to push me away, I think it was her fixation in me that drove me away from home. She was amazing mum, just not what I needed.

What about all of the love and joy a baby brings

A baby doesn't bring love and joy to everyone. That's a very rose tinted spectacles view.

Also need to look forward to how old you would be when DC are teenagers

The OP is only 35.

A good relationship with a daughter does not make up for or take away the pain of a bad relationship with your mother.

@RampantIvy I was speaking about the DH who is older. Will be in 60s when have teenager

I do think your husband is being unreasonable to think he can make all of the important decisions, regardless of your feelings, especially given that he wanted children sooner than you and he got his way. I'm guessing your husband acts like the "man of the house", and you just have to put up with it, which must be frustrating for you.

I'm sorry that your husband won't compromise on this, when you have compromised for him in the past.

You can compromise on where to go on holiday if, for example, you agree you’ll budget for a city break later in the year where the other partner picks the destination. You can compromise on where to live if one partner agrees to the smaller house in a better area, with the proviso that you make the loft conversion your number one priority. You can even compromise on whether to get a pet if the partner who wants one agrees to do all the work and cover all vet bills.

You can’t compromise on having a child. It’s the ultimate Yes or No decision - and one No is one too many. Asking for a “compromise” here is asking someone for a lifetime commitment they don’t want to make. Where’s the compromise? Should the OP suggest they have a girl, but keep her in her room so that her husband never has to see her? Or send her to boarding school so he only has to put up with her during holidays? Compromise is unworkable in this situation.

Has anyone given any thought to how the child might feel if she grows up to realise her father didn’t want her? OP said in response to another poster that she could “guarantee” she wouldn’t favour her hypothetical daughter. I’m dubious, but one thing she definitely can’t guarantee is that her husband won’t favour his sons. In fact, it seems a far more likely possibility.

It’s hard enough when a child worries their sibling is the favourite. Why make it harder on them by almost guaranteeing it?

What about all of the love and joy a baby brings (regardless of sex), the years of laughter and pride of watching them grow up. So many things to negate out your stupid reasoning.

This is all very well on a Dunelm wall decal, but if one parent doesn’t want the baby, the baby won’t be bringing “love and joy”. It will be bringing problems and resentment. Why inflict that on the child, even if you don’t give a shit about the partner you’re supposed to love?

Exactly. It is not everyone that wants to go through the teenage years in their sixties.

Love and joy. Stress more like 🤣

Dunelm wall decal 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I’m done

👆 this..
You can't compromise on having a child or not.. it's not like you're hardly going to notice its there 🙈

This thread is over a month old now but I wanted to offer a different opinion. It’s so common on these types of threads for everyone to say the person who desperately wants a baby is the problem and you shouldn’t “force” your husband. I think it ignores all the many complexities here. Reality is, once you have multiple children, one more isn’t going to change a lot. Plus, to my mind he has to not want another MORE than the OP wants one.

I can totally understand your resentment. It might not be his fault for not wanting another, but it’s also not your fault - and entirely natural - for that to eat into your relationship with him. You are not a bad person for considering divorce. You’re not divorcing him because he won’t do what you want, you are considering divorcing him because you want different things in life and the resentment is destroying the love you feel.

The tricky part is that this isn’t about specifically wanting another baby, but about wanting a girl. I think before you make any decisions, you need to heal from your gender disappointment. If after that, you still want another baby, and he does not, then I can see why that’s a major issue in the relationship and not just one you can get over easily.

Reality is, once you have multiple children, one more isn’t going to change a lot

Maybe not now, but by the time they are expensive teenagers it will.

Reality is, once you have multiple children, one more isn’t going to change a lot. Plus, to my mind he has to not want another MORE than the OP wants one

Thats absolutely ridiculous. Of course and e yea one makes a difference. Raising a child is expensive. You also have another human whose needs need to be met, as well as meeting the existing children. They get more expensive as they get older.

And how would you quantify ‘more’ how are you measuring how much someone doesn’t want or wants a child?

The OP did not mention finances, unless I missed it, so I’m assuming they could afford and for another child into their house/lives. If this is the case I genuinely don’t think the difference between 2-3 is that great. You’re already in it. You may not agree but very rude and unnecessary to say it’s absolutely ridiculous.

Of course quantifying that is sometimes very hard/impossible. Sometimes it obvious, one person says they’d prefer not to but the other is absolutely desperate. My point was, a blanket rule that says if one person says no when you already have multiple children together anyway, without looking at how important it is to each person entirely misses the complexity of human relationships.