Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

Again, I am happy with this decision so no need to go over it over and over. I made reference to the existing cat in the first post. I didn't go over it twice so this may have caused confusion. A second cat isn't allowed a dog isn't either. That is fine.

I would just get another cat though.

@Stephjea

ah op maybe see it’s as - you’ve done the baby years, nappies, sleepless nights etc. your kids are getting more independent. Your husband doesn’t wanna go back to that stage so it ain’t gonna happen.

focus on YOU! Your career, hobbies, fitness etc. enjoy some of your disposable income and treat yourself!

Was it just a childhood dream that you would have 3 daughters? I used to dream that I would live in a thatched cottage in the country with 2 children (boy and girl) and 2 dogs. Not happened, 1 DC, 1 dog no thatch in sight. If I sat crying about the dream that never happened I would be missing all the great things that I actually have in life

Thank you. Posts like these do help 😊

Have you thought about volunteering with Girlguiding? I can't have children at all so for me that was the next best thing, being able to be a positive influence on the lives of young girls and helping them to see leadership as something that is open to them. It's not parenting but it has taken the edge off my grief for sure.

What a great suggestion. Girl Guides really helped me, I had such a happy time. I'm sorry to hear that you can't have children, but how lovely that you've found something positive to focus on and get some joy from.

It was a childhood dream, yes. I was putting things in perspective. I have not carried this dream into adulthood. I still long for a daughter.

As I have mentioned I had no gender preference with my first born.

With my second I did want a daughter but my son is a dream child and I would not want him any other way. He is smart, funny, affectionate and always smiling. He is wise beyond his years and I feel a connection with him that I can't even put in to words.

However, as much as I love my sons, I still long for a daughter too.

I take solace in the fact that there are other posters that have been through the same as a me (or similar) and have confirmed that my longing for a daughter is more common than others may believe - albeit mostly frowned upon by those who haven't felt it. I take on board all the measured comments that aren't a personal attack. What I feel is real.

The crying is recent - last week or two - when my husband finally decided that there was no way he would try for a third.

I am grieving that loss and I don't think it's as simple as many have put where I should just "get over myself" and "snap out of it". Grief doesn't work that way.

I feel like getting another cat would solve most of life's problems.

Except maybe a cat allergy

Thank you for your kind, constructive post. I'm so sorry you haven't been able to have children.

Ha! Not sure bringing a pet into a family home is the best idea when all members aren't on board. I have made peace with this.
We have compromised on getting a dog in the future when our lives aren't as busy raising children. I agree with this.

No, grief doesn't work that way. However, it's not a grief connected with loss of something you had, it's something you never had, and was some sort of fantasy. You're either going to have to find happiness and fulfilment with the children that you have (even though they're boys), or seek counselling to work out what the problem is (why do you focus on having a daughter?) with a view to resolution.

So if your DH said okay let's have another child and it was a boy, how would you feel? If you went down the route of gender selection how would you feel if that didn't work? How do you think your boys would feel if you went out of your way to try for a girl as another boy wouldn't be good enough?

What do you think you are missing because you haven't got a daughter?

OP I can see this from both sides. I do get why you’re grieving the loss of a daughter - however - that said, so many people can’t have children, lose children, have miscarriages etc - that it’s worth bearing this in mind also. In this context you’re so lucky. I hope you can work through your feelings x

All valid questions. I think I am most hurt by the thought of him not wanting to give it one last try.

I wouldn't have more than 3 children. And I would love all my children irrespectively.

The point about how my boys would feel is something that has come up quite a bit and has put things into perspective for me. That and the pressure that a possible daughter may feel.

I would never ever want my sons to feel less than. They would never be but some posters have mentioned they may pick up on some sort of preference. This would kill me. My boys are not less than.

The other point regarding the potential girl feeling pressure to live up to my expectations and a few comments from posters that have lived through this really shed some perspective. Again this would kill me. I would not be putting any pressure on my child nor do I have these crazy ideas of frilly tutus and pink princess dresses - I was a tomboy myself as a child (football and climbing trees was where it was at).

I didn't want to really cover why I long for a girl in detail but I have skimmed over it and I do long for a strong mother-daughter relationship. Alongside my strong mother-son relationships!

Jesus a dog as a compromise over a cat? you do realise that a dog is alot more hard work basically like having another child
please think of that before yoi get a dog

@Stephjea your DH does seem to be the main decision maker in your relationship, he even influenced you on the title of this thread! Do you think this is actually at the root of your upset but you are focussing in on the lack of a daughter. If you actually ended up with a girl would everything be rosy in your relationship?

A dog wasn't a compromise for a cat. Jesus! The pet thing is now being blown out or proportion.

I didn't want a dog because of the reasons I have stated. We are too busy at the moment and both work full-time ( I have had dogs ). I wanted a cat.

We have both said we would like a dog in years to come, perhaps when the children have grown up. Perhaps when we retire. There are no issues surrounding the pet/ cat / dog set-up at home.

This has been covered a little.on the thread. I do feel like major decisions are usually swayed in his favour. He and I will need to talk openly about this too.

He is not an unreasonable person nor does he dictate my life. He is a very rational person.

Maybe couples counselling?

I know a woman who actually went through with a divorce for this reason. She did end up with a daughter by another man but her sons can barley tolerate her as a result.

@Stephjea
How old is your DH?
You mention in a recent post he is 'older' - this could be extremely relevant re. a 3rd DC.

You are just out of the grunt childcare years (0-5yrs) and he may not really enjoy that period of parenthood and doesn't really want to go through that again.

This is exactly how my BIL felt. 2DC, both at primary school and starting to do more interesting stuff with them. SIL wanted another DC. They had another DC (6 years younger) and he is simply stressed all the time. He just doesn't have the bandwith for 3 DC. TBH, I think they should have stopped at 2DC.

I do think your DH's age will contribute to how much 'bandwith' he has and it is a valid point as to why he doesn't want another DC. It is equally as valid as you wanting to have a DD.

@Stephjea also how old are you?

Thank you. Yes this is one of the main points he raised. He is 42 I am 35

Or one of those reborn dolls?