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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third child or divorce AIBU

674 replies

Stephjea · 01/03/2024 13:31

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

OP posts:
underthebun · 01/03/2024 13:59

And a friend has the reverse where her DH is desperate for a boy after 2 dds, friend doesn't want anymore babies. He needs to get over it!

Mrsttcno1 · 01/03/2024 14:00

Hard to believe this is even real, but if it is then it’s possibly one of the most unreasonable threads I’ve ever seen on here! OP you need to get a grip

Caravaggiouch · 01/03/2024 14:00

Your poor boys. Imagine growing up knowing your mum divorced your dad because she was so disappointed you weren’t a girl.

lochmaree · 01/03/2024 14:00

"sods law I've ended up with 2 boys" 😢 this is so sad sorry OP!

my mum had 4 girls and her 5th was a boy. I know a few families with 3 boys.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 01/03/2024 14:01

It may sound harsh but I think you need to take a step back and appreciate what you already have.

givemushypeasachance · 01/03/2024 14:01

If your fixation is based on "picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side" then even if you had a girl next, would you be satisfied with two boys and a girl?

What is it about having girls that you are drawn to? Is it an idea about pretty dresses and doing their hair, playing tea parties and princesses, something about their characters that you're imagining?

Rosesanddaisies1 · 01/03/2024 14:01

Yes YABVU. You need to get some therapy to deal with this, I cannot fathom breaking up a family for something you are not guaranteed to end up with. It's totally unfair to your existing kids. A lot of people are lucky to get even one child, you need to appreciate what you have. Sorry but I find it very weird you pictured your life with a specific sex of child. It's totally unrealistic.

Lovingitallnow · 01/03/2024 14:01

Is your youngest very young still? What you're saying is so illogical that it must be purely emotionally driven. I only have boys and when they were born had simultaneously a love for them and completely independently a sense of loss for the life I'd never have. As time went on logic overtook me and I realized obviously I lose nothing, I never had it to lose and even if I got it it would most certainly not have gone the way I planned. But when you're being driven by emotion it's hard to see logic. It's like a phobia- logic doesn't come into it.

if your youngest is 3 or 4 then I'd seek professional help.

TiIIyM · 01/03/2024 14:02

Oh listen to yourself.

"Oh hey Stephjea how come you are divorced what happened?"

"I didn't have a daughter so I divorced my husband as he was happy with his 2 boys."

"But what if you'd have gone on to have 2 more boys?"

"Yeah well please don't mention that elephant in the room."

I mean 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Babla · 01/03/2024 14:04

course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys

Let's face it OP when you know about the amount of people facing infertility or having seriously ill or disabled children you are so so lucky to have two healthy boys and really shouldn't say things like the above.

My third was a try for a girl after two boys and guess what I got another boy, I now have three lovely adult sons who I adore. I would advise you not to try for a third with the attitude you have

Dottytea · 01/03/2024 14:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

sheeplikessleep · 01/03/2024 14:07

I’ve got 3 boys and whilst I had always wanted a girl (I grew up with sisters), in hindsight, I feel like I was given boys for a reason. They are my absolute world and each very different and feel so lucky to have healthy, fun loving sons. Seeing other parents journeys are quite eye opening that I’ve got it easy. (Not that girls aren’t, but there are much bigger issues than whether they’re male or female. As they grow, you hear of other kids with mental health problems, anxiety or health problems and boy or girl really doesn’t matter).

I do get it. But the feeling goes as they grow up and you realise how lucky you are. Looking back, I think I was bonkers to be a bit sad of never having a daughter.

Original poster
Stephjea · 01/03/2024 14:09

To reply to some comments, if you read my last sentence I have said I can't and won't divorce my husband because my family are the most important thing for me.

I am saying that this is what is going through my mind because of the pain I am feeling. I feel resentment towards him and that is out of my control.

I absolutely adore my boys and would not change them for the world - as I have said. If I could go back in time and change anything I would not. They are my world.

I am longing for a daughter ON TOP of the amazing boys I already have.

There is, as usual, more of a back story to this but I would rather not go in to detail.

OP posts:
WithACatLikeTread · 01/03/2024 14:09

Stephjea · 01/03/2024 13:31

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

No offence but why can't you hear that there is no guarantee of a daughter? What would you do if it was a boy which you are more likely to get by the way? A loving marriage does not consist of trying to blackmail your husband. He is entitled to say he doesn't want anymore but if you want to break up your marriage and cause distress to your children then go ahead. You might get granddaughters anyway.

Babla · 01/03/2024 14:11

There is, as usual, more of a back story to this but I would rather not go in to detail.

Fill us in

WithACatLikeTread · 01/03/2024 14:11

WithACatLikeTread · 01/03/2024 14:09

No offence but why can't you hear that there is no guarantee of a daughter? What would you do if it was a boy which you are more likely to get by the way? A loving marriage does not consist of trying to blackmail your husband. He is entitled to say he doesn't want anymore but if you want to break up your marriage and cause distress to your children then go ahead. You might get granddaughters anyway.

Show quote history

There is nothing wrong with wanting a daughter but it is wrong to pressure your husband into something he doesn't want. Is he the main earner? Maybe he doesn't want that pressure really. I would suggest some counselling really.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 01/03/2024 14:12

I am the much longed for daughter after two boys.

My mum definitely does not have the relationship with me that she'd hoped for, and I definitely have not lived up to the idea of what her daughter would be like!

I have two boys myself, so I do understand how you're feeling OP. I'm pretty much over it now. I hope you make your peace with it too.

Stevesellsshells · 01/03/2024 14:13

I can't and won't divorce my husband

Your thread title is literally "third child or divorce AIBU"

60PercentClub · 01/03/2024 14:13

I think you need some help to get passed this. Maybe it would help to figure out what it is you expect to have with a daughter that you don't expect to have with your sons. As you must be well aware there are no guarantees how any child will be. Maybe you'd have another boy, maybe a girl, hopefully healthy, but maybe she doesn't like traditional girl things, maybe she does but meets marries an Australian and you only see her every couple of years. I mean, i think you need to understand what your expectations are and manage them.

Potentialmadcatlady · 01/03/2024 14:14

How about putting the children you already have first instead of a fictional not guaranteed magical girl…

Original poster
Stephjea · 01/03/2024 14:14

Stevesellsshells · 01/03/2024 14:13

I can't and won't divorce my husband

Your thread title is literally "third child or divorce AIBU"

My husband's choice of header. I didn't want to call the post that.

OP posts:
BeaRF75 · 01/03/2024 14:15

OP, this is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read. You cannot blackmail your husband like this - the poor man! Would you seriously destroy your marriage and family life for some crazy, sugar-coated fantasy about a daughter?

Itslegitimatesalvage · 01/03/2024 14:17

You’re completely in the wrong. You have to get over it. Your poor boys and your poor husband being subjected to this sort of threat.

Broodywuz · 01/03/2024 14:18

Aww I feel for you OP, you can't help how you feel. I do think you need to speak to a profession to see if you can get over this. I think people are being very harsh, it's like people say they felt like their family was complete after 2 or 3 or whatever, OP obviously doesn't feel like her family is complete without a daughter. Doesn't mean she thinks any less of her sons
I do think you need to ask yourself the serious question of what next if you had another boy though, and I think scientifically the chances are actually higher than 50:50 that it would be another boy. If you leave your husband, will you try for a baby on your own or is it just you can't stay with him because you resent him so much?
My auntie was desperate for a girl, baby no 5 after 4 boys. Honestly it was a bit of a disaster, she had such massive expectations and dreams about this baby girl before she was even here, my cousin kind of rebelled against it and they had a turbulent relationship while she was a child and now as an adult aren't close at all.

Lion400 · 01/03/2024 14:18

This is bonkers, but you know that. A friend of mine wanted a girl. They finally decided to have another. She got pregnant and was so happy, she knew it was a girl, she could feel it! We had coffee the day of her first scan. It was twins..
You know the next bit..

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