My family/friends telling me to stay away from partner

[AliPineNeedles]

My family and friends really dislike my partner. I met him in 2016 and we were together for 4 years. The pandemic hit us hard and we ended. He moved away, we didn't speak for almost three years until he came back to apologise. He's been in therapy, he's made life changes and is doing well. I ignored him at first but after some thought I replied. We spoke back and forth for three/four months until I agreed to meet. All my feelings came flooding back. We are long distance (due to him moving away) and are taking it slow. I believe he has changed. I saw a therapist when we broke up as I wasn't in a good place. He is 40 and I am 35. He was very emotionally unavailable throughout the relationship, but not a 'bad person', never aggressive but perhaps immature.

I didn't tell anyone else until we had been seeing one another for a while. And since I have the burden and pressure from them feels huge. My Mum (who I'm very close to) especially.

They think he 'emotionally abused' me in the past by pushing what he wanted, especially with regards having children. I had an accidental pregnancy two years in and he reacted badly saying he never wanted children. In hindsight I should have had that conversation with him sooner. He left me as I wanted to keep our baby, I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks (quite traumatic) and he came back. He now says he wants children and doesn't know why he reacted that way.

They didn't like how he made very little effort with my loved ones. Made excuses (and some white lies) to get out of seeing them. He didn't seem to prioritise me, sometimes he would even forget plans we had made. My friends also saw him speak quite badly to his Mum and sisters at times.

He was a very solo thinker, it took a long time to move in together and even then he seemed to be dreaming up buying houses in areas he wanted to live in that wouldn't have suited my life or my job. He would hide little bits about me, harmless things really.

He has apologised to me for all of the above. He said he was really scared and didn't want to commit, therapy has helped him with that and he's changed.
My Mum has told me clearly that if I am with him that she doesn't want him to be a part of their lives. He won't be invited for family events/Christmases etc. The time around the miscarriage really upset not just me, but my loved ones. They saw the multiple disappointments and upset ness and many of them think I am now being blind. I'm willing to give him a chance but the negativity surrounding it is becoming hard to stand. He says he will show them he has changed, but he also admits it causes him stress.

I just need someone outside perspective to wonder AIBU to give him a chance.

I think there's a lot more to it than your letting on.
Your family were there for you when he wasn't.
I don't think emotionally unavailable people ever change. They have something missing which cannot be simply switched back on due to therapy as they never possessed it in the first place. They are what they are, and don't make for happy, lasting relationships.
I think you are in for a lifetime of disappointments if you get back with him.
You can miss someone without wanting them back.

This man is a train wreck and your family are right. Ask yourself what you get from his drama and hurt because it's something you are chasing.

I would stay the hell away and get some therapy.

He wants kids now to trap you.

Has he a stable career and home to support a family. Is he ready to marry you and commit? Are you stable enough in a house and career to be a single parent, potentially with court bills to pay, if it all goes wrong?

He sounds like a car crash and you'd be a fool to put yourself in front of a moving vehicle to try and stop it, in some misguided sense of loyalty or demonstration of love. It's okay- it's right and best- to chose more for your life than to be a supporting role in his. Find and chose a man with none of this baggage.

I also feel for your family life, it's not a kindness to them if they aren't willing to be around him. If you have a kid, surely your mom will want to spend time with your child but not him. Will he be ok with that? Things will always be fractured.

My mil went through hell and back to get her son through a dark place to the point he is now functional and doing great. She has told him she can't do it again.

Op, you sound like a straightforward what you see is what you get person, and have trouble recognizing that not everyone else is like that. (As evidence of you saying he has lots of friends.)

There's so many examples on this board from people who have very problematic or dangerous partners but are very well thought of by others.

One example is from a women who was violently raped/drugged/chocked by a coworker and said the rest of her company thought he was an absolute saint, the kindest man in the world. That's the problem with these types, you never know what's real. You need someone normal and emotionally straightforward - someone you can trust. How are you supposed to trust this fucker again? There's no such thing as white lies, they almost always do damage.

@abeeabeeisafterme He has a stable career, very successful in fact, and he owns a house with a friend of his (bought in lockdown as they decided to buy bigger together than buying separately). I have a stable career and house to have a child on my own, as I did at the time of my last pregnancy, but obviously I would prefer not to have to do this. I have been spending money on fertility treatment/egg freezing and have been looking at all my options. Losing that pregnancy really broke me a few years ago and having a stable life so I can have a child is my main priority.

Mum sounds very emotionally immature, threatening to have no relationship with her own daughter. Surely if she believes this man is going to treat her daughter badly she’d want to be around even more to protect her.

Her mum isn't threatening that at all. She has said she has no wish to accept HIM in the family life etc. but that doesn't mean she is abandoning her daughter.. it seems other family members feel the same way too.

My Mum is not threatening to leave my life at all. She feels the family gave him chances and he used them up. She would not leave my life, nor would I leave hers.

If he’s admitted that why just why do you want to hook yourself to a falling star? Narcissistic traits in a person is the worst. Stay away from him as far as east is from west.

OP, you're a catch! Find a man who knows that about you and treats you as such. Who will marry you and get a mortgage together. This man is not he.

He just left and came back multiple times, white lies and making a lot of things about him. His reaction to the pregnancy, his feelings about the miscarriage, his job, his friends. It was his world and I had to fit around that. A lot of false promises if I did what he wanted (like we will be so happy if you just see it my way this time). As soon as I would get sick, pregnant, stressed he would be busy, neglectful. He also put down my job a lot (teacher) as not being as important as his.

You seem intelligent. Why would you even consider this? Is it the urge to have a child? Don’t put yourself back into the shit relationship. He hasn’t changed. You said he was a liar, and that’s all he’s doing now.

You want a stable life so that you can become a mum, right? And are looking at egg freezing etc? For the love of God stick with that plan.

This man has already shown you who he is and what he is capable of. You know his nature.

If you get back with him, you will be torpedoing your chances of a happy stable life with a nice baby. FFS throw this one back. He’s a loser. Seriously.

I was trying to find the word to sum it up without sounding like a silly teenager. Protectiveness came to mind. He had a hard childhood. Part of me is fiercely protective of him. I see him as vulnerable and I have an image of a hurt little boy. I can see in him that he wants a family and wants to change.

This is s very naïve way of looking at control. A person doesn’t have to wear a hitler mustache to be a nazi and a person doesn’t have to demand your credit card to be financially controlling. A passive aggressive, withholding, sulking partner can tie you up in knots and control your behavior without saying a word. This is the person you are describing. He is mean, careless, selfish, abandoning when he wants to be and cozening, pleasing, romantic when he wants to be. In other words he always has a choice in how he treats you. It is you that gets no choice—unless you take it by cutting him off. Otherwise you are passively accepting whatever shit treatment he chooses to dole out.

It seems to need loud repeating for OP who is in the back row of her own life that this man is an absolutely shit human being who abandoned his pregnant girlfriend in a way most humans wouldn’t abandon a stray dog.

The only true apology for this shit human is a life of penance cleaning toilets in a home for unwed mothers. Not coming back to destroy you again.

You know if you feel sorry for a man and he has a nice sob story for you it is a bad sign not a good one. What kind of protection and decency does he offer you? You have not talked about that at all and it is all his needs. Of course your family are worried. Walk away.

And literally everyone in your life and online is telling you not to become involved with this man. He's been abusive to you and frankly the change to wanting kids is worrying. It screams of a need to control you in future.

Why is this man so golden he's worth giving up your life and future for? You are free to chose to be respected, loved, cared for and to marry someone who will be an excellent husband and father. Why on earth wouldn't you choose that? Why settle for not just average but an abuser and liability. He's not just potentially going to damage your life, but future children's. As a teacher, how can you not want to chose the best potential father for your kids possible?

I have a single parent teacher friend, and it's so very hard.

Hiding small details of his life and basic news is a MASSIVE 🚩🚩, much bigger than it first appears. It’s a way of maintaining control and protect his ability to triangulate, so that you don’t have enough of the picture to draw conclusions that would otherwise be logical.

He left you when you were pregnant but came back once you’d had a miscarriage - but you don’t mention what level of support and empathy he gave you in the aftermath of your experience… I’m guessing very little as what you’ve said suggests he made the situation about him and his needs/stress/panic, rather than about you. (And if he thought you needed support after a miscarriage, imagine the support you’d have actually needed if you’d had a baby - he wasn’t worried about that when he walked away)

He moved away from you, so your current situation involves travel to see each other - who does most of the traveling? Does he come and stay with you or vice versa?

He says he has changed - is he still in therapy? What kind of therapy was it? Has he been able to lay out why he thinks you should forgive and forget his past behavior and what he is going to do differently this time? The fact that he is telling you that your family’s attitude causes him stress, instead of accepting that he will have a very long road to travel to earn back their goodwill and that it is entirely on him to do that indicates that not much has changed.

has he been in a relationship which has recently ended? Could he be in a relationship you’re unaware of? Has he assured you he will marry you before having children? Do you have your own home? How much equality is there in your individual financial status?

He has shown you who he is and you’re choosing not to believe him. Do NOT listen to his words - only his actions will indicate if anything is different now. Even if it seems to be so I would be on high alert for a long time looking for signs of backsliding - so not a very healthy or fun situation for you to be in.

At the very least take steps to ensure you don’t get pregnant for a good while yet. If he pushes this issue, (but without first making substantial changes to his outlook, making amends with your family and friends and marrying you), I would see it as a sign that he wants to put you in a vulnerable position so he can exert more control.

He SAYS he has changed - but has his behaviour changed?! If you haven’t already I really recommend you read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (Read it privately - you can download on kindle or Apple Books apps). That will help you spot red flags you might be missing

Having children with an abusive man is a living hell, so act very VERY carefully…

But you can’t save him or rescue him, or fix him or make things better for him. As much as you want to, only he can do that.

I agree with many of the other posters. If he had truly changed, he would have recognised the damage he caused and stay well away in case he stirred up any complicated emotions, even if he didn’t expect you to try again.

I think him telling you that he finds it stressful having to ‘prove himself’ to your family and friends, is bordering on manipulative. What did he expect? That they would see the damage he left in his wake but still welcome him with open arms? He should be grateful that you had such good support and horrified that he showed them this side of himself and that he has made things awkward for you by not being able to bring him along to family events or talk about your life with him. He should be apologising to you, not making you worry about him in case he finds it so stressful he can’t cope. It’s still all about him, isn’t it?

I think you sound like you have a wonderful family who care about your wellbeing very much. I also think that there is zero chance that he has suddenly turned into what you want him to be; therapy or not. And your family can see him for what he is.

Protectiveness came to mind. He had a hard childhood. Part of me is fiercely protective of him. I see him as vulnerable and I have an image of a hurt little boy. I can see in him that he wants a family and wants to change.

🤦🏼‍♀️ you’re a mug. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

“Having a stable life so I can have a child is a priority”

Then don’t make trying to give him the life you think he wants your priority. If he wants that life he has to build it - probably by becoming a completely different person. Don’t let him fail to achieve that on your time - you’ve got enough to do.

Plenty of us have hard childhoods. I can almost guarantee my ex dp had a childhood as hard if not worse. He doesn’t treat people like shit because of it.

he isn’t your child. He is grown man. He isn’t a child that’s having a bad time of it that you need to protect, at cost to yourself.

You can’t see that he wants to change. You see what he wants you too.

Even that sentence ‘I can see how much he wants to change’ is concerning. That suggests you know he hasn’t. The old behaviour is poking through. He shouldn’t be back with you while still ‘trying to change’.

Look Op it’s obvious you will stay with him. It’s obvious he believes he can win your family round. You need to accept that you will not live 2 lives. One with him and one with your family. That’s your life now.

OP, even if he has changed, that doesn't mean it's a good idea for you to forgive him so much you take him back. You're setting a dangerous precedent that says 'You can treat me badly and I will take you back' (with enough convincing).

You're doing long distance with a known commitmentphobe.

@Alwaystransforming Plenty of us have hard childhoods. I can almost guarantee my ex dp had a childhood as hard if not worse. He doesn’t treat people like shit because of it.

This. And, objectively, he's not a vulnerable little boy. He's a 40yo man.

Yeah, I'm with your mum. No amount of therapy would erase his behaviour around your pregnancy/miscarriage. He's saying all the right things just now to reel you back in. Don't fall for it.

Hi. As a teacher who has two failed marriages to men I wanted to “save” and a history of miscarriage I’m relating to this, and the thing is it’s so obvious to everyone he’s bad news but I know that no amount of us telling you is going to make a difference.

Here’s what I anticipate will happen (sorry):

He’ll say he wants kids now and try to get you pregnant.

You’ll be so happy to be trying, and with the man you “love”.

But then he’ll find a way to screw you over. Either you’ll get pregnant and he’ll suddenly declare you should get an abortion (yep, I’ve read it several times on here, it happens) or he’ll up and leave you again, either while you’re pregnant or with a new baby.

And even if he doesn’t, your BEST case scenario is that you’ll be constantly remembering that he once did.

This isn’t the man for you. You really do deserve better and so does your future child.

Look at the Donor Conception Network if you’d consider going it alone. No dad (planned) is infinitely better than a headfuck dad, and this man will ALWAYS end up a headfuck.