My family/friends telling me to stay away from partner

[AliPineNeedles]

My family and friends really dislike my partner. I met him in 2016 and we were together for 4 years. The pandemic hit us hard and we ended. He moved away, we didn't speak for almost three years until he came back to apologise. He's been in therapy, he's made life changes and is doing well. I ignored him at first but after some thought I replied. We spoke back and forth for three/four months until I agreed to meet. All my feelings came flooding back. We are long distance (due to him moving away) and are taking it slow. I believe he has changed. I saw a therapist when we broke up as I wasn't in a good place. He is 40 and I am 35. He was very emotionally unavailable throughout the relationship, but not a 'bad person', never aggressive but perhaps immature.

I didn't tell anyone else until we had been seeing one another for a while. And since I have the burden and pressure from them feels huge. My Mum (who I'm very close to) especially.

They think he 'emotionally abused' me in the past by pushing what he wanted, especially with regards having children. I had an accidental pregnancy two years in and he reacted badly saying he never wanted children. In hindsight I should have had that conversation with him sooner. He left me as I wanted to keep our baby, I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks (quite traumatic) and he came back. He now says he wants children and doesn't know why he reacted that way.

They didn't like how he made very little effort with my loved ones. Made excuses (and some white lies) to get out of seeing them. He didn't seem to prioritise me, sometimes he would even forget plans we had made. My friends also saw him speak quite badly to his Mum and sisters at times.

He was a very solo thinker, it took a long time to move in together and even then he seemed to be dreaming up buying houses in areas he wanted to live in that wouldn't have suited my life or my job. He would hide little bits about me, harmless things really.

He has apologised to me for all of the above. He said he was really scared and didn't want to commit, therapy has helped him with that and he's changed.
My Mum has told me clearly that if I am with him that she doesn't want him to be a part of their lives. He won't be invited for family events/Christmases etc. The time around the miscarriage really upset not just me, but my loved ones. They saw the multiple disappointments and upset ness and many of them think I am now being blind. I'm willing to give him a chance but the negativity surrounding it is becoming hard to stand. He says he will show them he has changed, but he also admits it causes him stress.

I just need someone outside perspective to wonder AIBU to give him a chance.

What did he promise to do? Did he do it?

It was a silly promise to share a Google Calendar with me. Yes, he did it in the end.

I'm very aware this post seems very 'woe is me' considering I'm the one who took him back, but I made a mistake. I couldn't sleep with anxiety and today I told him why and how I need some space. I know it's not a break up but it's a step.

Bloody well done.

you want to live happily ever after? That was the first giant stride in that direction.

In a couple of days you can muster more courage and say. This is a break up. It’s over. You’re not the one for me.

His attention might ramp up now, love bombing and proving you that he is the best person for you.

If anything, he is sulking, not love bombing.

AIBU if I lay everything out in a message explaining the difficulty with my family and how we can't move forward due to that?

Yes, YABU to try and present it as if you would be with him if not for your family just to what - soften the blow?

He didn't seem to prioritise me, sometimes he would even forget plans we had made. My friends also saw him speak quite badly to his Mum and sisters at times.

All of this is enough to want to end it.

I wouldn't do this. You need to be clear that there is too much water under the bridge to salvage a relationship and you don't want to attempt it. Blaming the attitude of your family isn't why and shouldn't be used as a reason.

If you really thought he'd changed and that things would now be different, you wouldn't be contemplating a break up, would you, whatever your family's feelings?

God the mental space this guy takes up in your head is insane.

It should never be this hard, when it is, it isn't right.

Just say that. It's always been too hard, it's not working for me.

Please use all this mental time and energy you have wasted on him on yourself, your life, your needs.

But surely the reason you’re breaking up is for your own benefit, not your family’s? You need some therapy and understanding as to why even at this stage you’re not sure what you feel/think/believe and why this man is the cause of you tying yourself in knots for him when he’s done little but treat you terribly. Even the ‘good’ bits are just part of the manipulation.

I think you would be making an absolute huge mistake in getting back with this man. Nothing you say about him sounds promising.

One thing that struck me is how he looked down on you for owning a flat when he was only renting. That's outrageous! How dare he make you feel bad about that. I do think it's very interesting that he wants to get back with you now that you are financially more secure and have a nicer home. I don't think that is insignificant at all

How he behaved after your pregnancy was absolutely dreadful. You were desperate at that time and he treated you really badly.

Don't get bogged down in whether the word abuse is correct. He treated you badly. Your mum can see right through him. You trust your mum's judgement. Listen to her

This sounds like all consuming hard work. What about your life outside partner and family? Where’s the fun in your relationships? Life is short, you deserve better than this complication and relying on others approval. Move on and find someone who deserves you.

You don’t owe him an explanation! And it should be because you want it.

”I have decided that this break must be a permanent one. I need to work on myself and what I want before I embark on a relationship with anyone. I wish you all the best but we need to cut contact.”

Don’t lay everything out. You don’t need to. If you must you can say-

you left me when I was pregnant and I can’t move on from that. Ever.

This doesn't sound like a fun relationship OP.

Im normally not one for letting family decide what's best for you and certainly not strong arming you into a decision - that is as controlling as if a man did it. Also I don't think your mum should be this involved or invested in your relationship that she's messaging friends about it!!

BUT this guy doesn't sound like someone who wants the same things as you. Sure he may be a better human after therapy but that still doesn't make him right for you. You don't live in the same area, he's flaky, no plans for a joint life or future - honestly too much hard work. I also think he's one of life's dreamers who likes the idea of things but not the reality.

I would walk away NOT because your family don't like him, but because he's not meeting your needs. Also I would stop giving your family access to so much of your personal life, you deserve to have privacy and make your own decisions as an adult without judgement. They maybe right on this occasion but the way they've gone about it will cause problems in future relationships too (over involvement from them also affects your self esteem - you never learn to be confident in your ability to make decisions and learn from them.)

Agree with PP, even if it's not abuse it shouldn't all this mental hard work. Obviously you have to put effort into any successful relationship but this is ridiculous.

You can't blame your family as he could still come back and say 'I'll show them or we can show them together that I've changed'. If you were a friend I'd advise 'you treated me badly in the past and I hoped to get past it but I have not been able to. It's better for my headspace if you don't contact me'

AIBU if I just block with no explanation?

He told me today I was acting the way I was because of 'high emotions', as though my feelings weren't valid. I said I needed reassurance about our past and he didn't seem to have the emotional headspace for it. I felt like I was fighting him to care. It's so pathetic I've let him have this power.

Don’t blame your family and don’t block him straight off.

No one needs to feel guilty or justify themselves about ending a relationship with someone.

You can simply send him a message to say after further thoughts, getting back together with him has been the wrong decision and you don’t want to continue the relationship further. Say it’s best to part ways now and ask him not to contact you again. If he keeps contacting you, block him. This literally just needs to be a 5 min job.

Emotional is not the opposite of rational. Your emotions matter.

Sulking, love bombing, coaxing, threatening to leave, pleading to stay—these are all just tactics in the libg war to control you.

There are no magic words needed to end this war. You just end it when you stop letting him cycle through his bag of tricks one of which is “make her justify herself…keep her talking…start a negotiation.”

Just end it. The less said the better.

”This isn’t working for me and I have decided to cut contact with you. Please respect my desire for privacy and do not contact me again. I wish you all the best.”

It is very telling that you find it very difficult to face this, and want to simple block/ghost this man.

This is a terrible relationship.

Send the text, block and work on yourself. Please!

They cant see it for the same reason you couldn't for a long time. If these men couldn't fake it they couldn't reel anyone in. If he was nasty from the start you wouldn't have stuck around long enough for him to harm you so much. My stbxh has according to him been told by lots of his colleagues and friends how horrible I am to him. I dont disbelieve it, he comes across as a genuinely nice guy and is very happy to say all sorts about me to our DC. I could certainly see him feeding other people those same lies and being very believable. If the people in my life I loved and trusted were all saying the same thing about a man I think that's a really strong sign he's not worth having in your life.

I wouldn’t be touching him with a very long pole. Your family has a better perspective on him, IMO, than you do.

There really must be a better match for you out there. Someone who doesn’t have his history, or quite so many red flags.

No YANBU if you block him.
You don't need to explain why you don't want to progress a relationship; you've told him you are done, you've told him its over, this isnt the start of a negotiation. You're done - its over.

He told me today I was acting the way I was because of 'high emotions', as though my feelings weren't valid. I said I needed reassurance about our past and he didn't seem to have the emotional headspace for it. I felt like I was fighting him to care. It's so pathetic I've let him have this power.

So take it back, take your power back, no one should have to fight for someone to care about them... you're done. block and move on.