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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My family/friends telling me to stay away from partner

323 replies

AliPineNeedles · 01/03/2024 11:08

My family and friends really dislike my partner. I met him in 2016 and we were together for 4 years. The pandemic hit us hard and we ended. He moved away, we didn't speak for almost three years until he came back to apologise. He's been in therapy, he's made life changes and is doing well. I ignored him at first but after some thought I replied. We spoke back and forth for three/four months until I agreed to meet. All my feelings came flooding back. We are long distance (due to him moving away) and are taking it slow. I believe he has changed. I saw a therapist when we broke up as I wasn't in a good place. He is 40 and I am 35. He was very emotionally unavailable throughout the relationship, but not a 'bad person', never aggressive but perhaps immature.

I didn't tell anyone else until we had been seeing one another for a while. And since I have the burden and pressure from them feels huge. My Mum (who I'm very close to) especially.

They think he 'emotionally abused' me in the past by pushing what he wanted, especially with regards having children. I had an accidental pregnancy two years in and he reacted badly saying he never wanted children. In hindsight I should have had that conversation with him sooner. He left me as I wanted to keep our baby, I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks (quite traumatic) and he came back. He now says he wants children and doesn't know why he reacted that way.

They didn't like how he made very little effort with my loved ones. Made excuses (and some white lies) to get out of seeing them. He didn't seem to prioritise me, sometimes he would even forget plans we had made. My friends also saw him speak quite badly to his Mum and sisters at times.

He was a very solo thinker, it took a long time to move in together and even then he seemed to be dreaming up buying houses in areas he wanted to live in that wouldn't have suited my life or my job. He would hide little bits about me, harmless things really.

He has apologised to me for all of the above. He said he was really scared and didn't want to commit, therapy has helped him with that and he's changed.
My Mum has told me clearly that if I am with him that she doesn't want him to be a part of their lives. He won't be invited for family events/Christmases etc. The time around the miscarriage really upset not just me, but my loved ones. They saw the multiple disappointments and upset ness and many of them think I am now being blind. I'm willing to give him a chance but the negativity surrounding it is becoming hard to stand. He says he will show them he has changed, but he also admits it causes him stress.

I just need someone outside perspective to wonder AIBU to give him a chance.

OP posts:
Catladyireland · 03/03/2024 23:23

I think if you're anxious about telling your 'partner' something you maybe should consider it was a history of emotional abuse. It sounds like walking on egg shells as you're worried he won't react well

paintedorpapered · 04/03/2024 08:49

Apart from anything else, you need to really think about him as a father and , and channel some of that protectiveness to wards little lost boys to be saved towards your hypothetical futur child.
This kind of on/off parent is one of the worst parents to have, have you thought about the hurt he would be causing to any futur child in addition to you?

Original poster
AliPineNeedles · 04/03/2024 13:38

I have since found out my Mum and friend have sent messages to one another, worrying for me.

He ended up contacting me about his 'promise' at the weekend, saying he almost had it finished so I can't exactly be annoyed at that.

It's as though I'm actively looking for reasons to end it as gently as possible now as I can't keep up this anxiety. I haven't told him how much my family won't include him, maybe I could explain that and say I can't do that to my family? (I know people won't understand but I still want to be kind)

OP posts:
KarenW · 04/03/2024 13:50

why do you want to be kind to him?
He was not kind to you .

KarenW · 04/03/2024 13:51

He has demonstrated through his actions that he doesn't deserve your kindness.

pikkumyy77 · 04/03/2024 13:53

So “be kind” but end it. Really all this waffling about is because you are hoping you don’t have to end it, that something or someone will intervene to make the relationship work again.

There is another thread going right now “I am in shock” written by a woman who wasted 12 years on a “funny, wounded little boy” who was her “best friend” who “wanted to buy property with her” and had “lots of friends.” He destroyed her life, ruined her finances, and kept her dangling on his string for 12 years while having multiple affairs.

My point here is that she is still unable to grasp that she is not dealing with a normal person. She is still projecting her own ideas of “fairness” and “kindness” onto a person who is utterly shallow, fake, snd ruthless.

You need the courage to go cold turkey, detix, and start working on your savior complex or you will never end it.

Original poster
AliPineNeedles · 04/03/2024 13:56

I wanted to be kind to him as he has been kind to me since rekindling and I feel I have messed him around by trying to get back together. I should have not done that and saw it wouldn't work. He is so hopeful/happy.

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 04/03/2024 14:01

Tell him that you appreciate the work he has done on himself and that you're happy for him (If you want to say that) but there's too much baggage and anxiety from the past for you to rekindle a relationship with him. You both need a fresh start with someone else. You can mention your family's unhappiness if you want but don't put it fully on them.

Olivie12 · 04/03/2024 14:17

@AliPineNeedles you don't need to give a reason to end a relationship.

Anyway, you could explain that your relationship already has too much baggage from the first time and you don't want to risk getting hurt again.

Right after, just block it.

Find your anger, he treated you like crap before, you shouldn't be scared of hurting his feelings. It's time to prioritise yourself!

pikkumyy77 · 04/03/2024 16:02

So what if he is “hopeful and happy?”

This is your Achilles Heel, basically. You feel so unimportant that you clutch at this fantasy that you are necessary to this man—that your actions make or break him. They don’t. He did just fine abandoning you once and he will again. This need to be needed, this fantasy of self importance crossed with weakness, is where the work resides. You can’t successfully substitute his good for yours (although he will be happy to let you!) in the long term he will abandon you again. Its not in his nature to be dependable and in any way trustworthy. Next bump in the road, pregnancy, or better offer and he will be off in a cloud of self pitying excuses.

HollyKnight · 04/03/2024 17:32

pikkumyy77 · 04/03/2024 16:02

So what if he is “hopeful and happy?”

This is your Achilles Heel, basically. You feel so unimportant that you clutch at this fantasy that you are necessary to this man—that your actions make or break him. They don’t. He did just fine abandoning you once and he will again. This need to be needed, this fantasy of self importance crossed with weakness, is where the work resides. You can’t successfully substitute his good for yours (although he will be happy to let you!) in the long term he will abandon you again. Its not in his nature to be dependable and in any way trustworthy. Next bump in the road, pregnancy, or better offer and he will be off in a cloud of self pitying excuses.

I agree with this. You feel like you are special to this man because you are important to him. But you either don't realise - or are ignoring - that the reason you are important to him is because no other woman wants him because of who he is as a person. You are important to him because you are the only one standing by him...because every other woman with self-respect and good self-esteem will walk away from him. He knows he treated you appallingly but that you are still here. And you still being here makes life easier for him because it means he doesn't actually have to change as a person, he just needs to do enough to keep you there. None of what he is doing is about you. He just doesn't want to be alone, and he knows you are the easiest way to reach that goal. You and your needs are never going to actually matter to a man like that.

Snowfalling · 04/03/2024 19:03

AliPineNeedles · 04/03/2024 13:56

I wanted to be kind to him as he has been kind to me since rekindling and I feel I have messed him around by trying to get back together. I should have not done that and saw it wouldn't work. He is so hopeful/happy.

You're thinking that he will be absolutely devastated, and maybe he will... for a bit. Most men I know are known for picking themselves up sharpish and moving onto the next woman. He'll be fine op, he's a big man. Don't lie or string this out, you can send a quick message which is respectful and honest, about how you tried but it just won't work. wish him well. done. then refuse to engage and ask him not to contact you if he keeps messaging

Americano75 · 04/03/2024 19:17

It can't just only be me who actively hopes he's absolutely devastated if and when you do pull the plug? I doubt it though.

Original poster
AliPineNeedles · 04/03/2024 19:41

When he came back and apologised, I'm the one who pushed to get back together. I think people assume it was him and now he's offering to move cities, change his life so even if he was a shit in the past, I still feel shit as he seems so excited.

He very quickly started saying all these big things like 'when we get married, when I move, you're the only one I want, you're stuck with me now' etc... My ego became inflated because this is a man who would barely talk a month in advance about me for years.

OP posts:
Americano75 · 04/03/2024 19:54

He's full of shite.

HollyKnight · 04/03/2024 20:12

Well, if you're going to continue down this path, I strongly advise you not to have children with this walking red flag. Don't choose to forever tie yourself and a poor child to someone who you know has a history of being a selfish piece of shit. You only need to look around MN to see how that turns out. There are plenty of threads here by traumatised women who ignored the warnings. And there are plenty of women here who are NC with mothers who did the same.

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 04/03/2024 20:45

He's lovebombing. He likes the chase.

You'll respect yourself so much more if you walk away now. Imagine he leaves you again at 36/37 or older, and your friends and family won't be shoulders to cry on then.

Did he do the promise you mentioned?

GrandKarber · 04/03/2024 21:01

What a horrible train wreck.

and he didn’t keep the promise did he? He said he had almost finished it. Was it done? No, I’ll confidently wager. But you were given just enough to think that he might. Funny, that, isn’t it?

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 04/03/2024 21:07

I almost meant to say OP that I suspect he wouldn't be so interested if you didn't live in London. Tell him you're unemployed and want to relocate to live with him, then see what will happen

Original poster
AliPineNeedles · 04/03/2024 21:45

He didn't do what he promised, no. He told me last night he would finish it today.

I don't plan to have children with him, don't worry. I have decided I need to move on but I am struggling to take the steps.

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 04/03/2024 22:36

AliPineNeedles · 04/03/2024 19:41

When he came back and apologised, I'm the one who pushed to get back together. I think people assume it was him and now he's offering to move cities, change his life so even if he was a shit in the past, I still feel shit as he seems so excited.

He very quickly started saying all these big things like 'when we get married, when I move, you're the only one I want, you're stuck with me now' etc... My ego became inflated because this is a man who would barely talk a month in advance about me for years.

Translation: He's messed up wherever he is and needs to move cities asap, maybe he's just put himself into a very unhappy situation, you're his getaway card. He will just need to pack his suit case and have a nice home, a nicely set up and a woman taking cookies out of the oven for him. You're naive OP.

Original poster
AliPineNeedles · 04/03/2024 22:49

He is unhappy where he is living, yes. He bought there due to house prices.

I live about 15/20 minutes from where he grew up and where his family still live. He works 50 percent of the time in London anyway and stays with his Mum when he is here.

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 04/03/2024 22:54

AliPineNeedles · 04/03/2024 22:49

He is unhappy where he is living, yes. He bought there due to house prices.

I live about 15/20 minutes from where he grew up and where his family still live. He works 50 percent of the time in London anyway and stays with his Mum when he is here.

Yes, all of a sudden you're VERY convenient. I've always find it amazing how mens hearts operate on "convenience and practicality". I wish women where a bit more colder and practical like men when choosing partners. I can totally see why he would rather live with you than with his mom.

Original poster
AliPineNeedles · 04/03/2024 22:58

When we met I owned a small apartment just for the sake of getting on the property ladder and he lived in a beautiful rented house. I knew he always looked down on that apartment. I do wonder if he would be interested if I still lived there.

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 04/03/2024 23:10

AliPineNeedles · 04/03/2024 22:58

When we met I owned a small apartment just for the sake of getting on the property ladder and he lived in a beautiful rented house. I knew he always looked down on that apartment. I do wonder if he would be interested if I still lived there.

Tell him you’re thinking in downgrading to a small studio in a less affluent area because you’ve decided it’s a great investment. See his reaction and how his love wades.