My family/friends telling me to stay away from partner

[AliPineNeedles]

My family and friends really dislike my partner. I met him in 2016 and we were together for 4 years. The pandemic hit us hard and we ended. He moved away, we didn't speak for almost three years until he came back to apologise. He's been in therapy, he's made life changes and is doing well. I ignored him at first but after some thought I replied. We spoke back and forth for three/four months until I agreed to meet. All my feelings came flooding back. We are long distance (due to him moving away) and are taking it slow. I believe he has changed. I saw a therapist when we broke up as I wasn't in a good place. He is 40 and I am 35. He was very emotionally unavailable throughout the relationship, but not a 'bad person', never aggressive but perhaps immature.

I didn't tell anyone else until we had been seeing one another for a while. And since I have the burden and pressure from them feels huge. My Mum (who I'm very close to) especially.

They think he 'emotionally abused' me in the past by pushing what he wanted, especially with regards having children. I had an accidental pregnancy two years in and he reacted badly saying he never wanted children. In hindsight I should have had that conversation with him sooner. He left me as I wanted to keep our baby, I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks (quite traumatic) and he came back. He now says he wants children and doesn't know why he reacted that way.

They didn't like how he made very little effort with my loved ones. Made excuses (and some white lies) to get out of seeing them. He didn't seem to prioritise me, sometimes he would even forget plans we had made. My friends also saw him speak quite badly to his Mum and sisters at times.

He was a very solo thinker, it took a long time to move in together and even then he seemed to be dreaming up buying houses in areas he wanted to live in that wouldn't have suited my life or my job. He would hide little bits about me, harmless things really.

He has apologised to me for all of the above. He said he was really scared and didn't want to commit, therapy has helped him with that and he's changed.
My Mum has told me clearly that if I am with him that she doesn't want him to be a part of their lives. He won't be invited for family events/Christmases etc. The time around the miscarriage really upset not just me, but my loved ones. They saw the multiple disappointments and upset ness and many of them think I am now being blind. I'm willing to give him a chance but the negativity surrounding it is becoming hard to stand. He says he will show them he has changed, but he also admits it causes him stress.

I just need someone outside perspective to wonder AIBU to give him a chance.

At 35 if you want kids you don’t have time to waste on someone who you KNOW is capable of treating you this badly. PP was spot on that if his therapy was good and he’d really learnt something he would be leaving you alone. Don’t do this to yourself.

Just don’t. He’s too messed up. He can’t be the partner you want. You can’t make him into the partner you want.

Oh well, if he’s said sorry 🤷🏻‍♀️

You don’t undo your entire personality with a bit or therapy.

He’s come back because the grass wasn’t greener.

And I’m willing to bet that you’re motivated by being 35 and wanting a baby - even if it’s subconscious.

Fine, take him back, use him as a sperm donor if you want. But don’t make yourself vulnerable because of him, and as soon as he slips (he will) give the, “therapy huh 🤨” face and end it.

“He now says he wants children and doesn't know why he reacted that way. “

Therapy wasn’t all that illuminating then, was it?

Can we unpick this? What’s your relationship with your mother & family like?

Are they generally well adjusted people - not controlling or narcissistic?

Is the advice from your family usually good?

Jeezo op. HE LEFT YOU WHEN YOU WERE PREGNANT. He wasn’t ‘scared’, he’s a piece of shit. Run, don’t walk away.

I agree therapy doesn’t just wave a magic wand over a terrible relationship between you both, no decent morals, generally poor behaviour and his entire personality. You tried it once, it was awful for you, you don’t need to settle again.

Also someone having an epiphany in therapy and excusing WHY they’ve acted so poorly towards you many times doesn’t mean you have to go “ok, great so you know the reason behind it I’ll just carry on letting you treat me badly because we can’t blame you now”. It doesn’t mean they’ve changed, it means they’re now “self- aware” but also probably won’t take accountability either because they’re “working on themselves”. Doesn’t mean you need to accept being their happy ever after project, you can go and find yourself someone who makes you happy without the conditions and challenges. You don’t have to fix him.

You’re family and friends all telling you the same thing shouldn’t be dismissed, although no one can tell you who to be with, but I think you know yourself that this can’t really be the “best” of what you deserve from a life partner. Should it really be such a hard effort to simply be content with someone? And you’re giving up so many things potentially for staying with him when your family are so against him. Imaging having his child and him not being welcome, not being able to have birthday parties because your family won’t be around him, not being able to spend Christmas with everyone because he’s excluded. It sounds too messy to even comprehend bringing a baby into such strained circumstances.

My relationship with my family is good, yes. My Mum and I are very close, we speak everyday and she brought me up as a single Mum but I now have a Stepdad and teenage brother. My Mum and I are both sensitive types. She is saying 'do whatever makes you happy, but I don't wish to hear about him'.

What has he done to show you that he has changed? Not to tell you, but to show you?

Your family and friends, who are individuals, will see different aspects of you.

The fact they are all telling you to stay away from him means you should listen to them.

As a PP pointed out if his therapy had worked he would know to go and find someone else, and leave you alone.

He has offered to move back to London so we won't be long distance.

He has been there for me through recent difficult time in my life, which he wouldn't have been in the past.

He said he will continue therapy long term, he knows he isn't a quick fix type.

He seems a lot less cold/shut off than he used to. He is able for more in depth emotional conversations. Less emotionally immature.

He is making an effort to bring me into his world more, his friends, his family etc.

Listen to family and friends.
You can't see the wood for the trees op.
They can and are trying to protect you.
Shut him down and run.
Don't allow him round 2 to wreck your life again

Abusers always say they have changed.

Some even go to therapy to help prove it.

How many times do you want to be abused until you have see it?

I have been in your situation. In fact I married him. While he was persuading me that we could make it work\he had changed, he was lovely to me and we had some good moments. But as soon as he knew he had me, he would just revert back to his controlling, emotionally unavailable self. I went back to him twice before I saw the error of my ways. Don’t be me.

The man has shown you who he is when things don't suit him. Fuck. Him.

Turn and run. Do the Freedom Programme. Get some personal therapy. Work on YOU, your boundaries, personal care, self worth and what you deserve. Because this man is a prick and you deserve so much better. He does not deserve you.

If he has really changed and knows what pain he caused you why would he want to get back with you? Why would he think you are deserving of being with someone who was so awful to you. It doesn't make sense. If he had truly changed an really understood how his actions were so hurtful to you he would start respecting you and not try to be with you.

I find that an interesting take that people have that if he had changed why would he want to come back. I think he wants to show himself and people around us how he has changed. He keeps telling me how proud he is that he has me back in his life and how grateful he is.

Whether or not your family and friends are right, OP, I don't know. Perhaps they have a point.
BUT. Frankly, it is none of their business. They have no right to interfere in the life choices of another adult. You have to make you own decisions, for good or ill.

I think he wants to show himself and people around us how he has changed

Then his therapy hasn't worked.

There is a thread at the moment about men hating women.
My question is why do women hate themselves so much to tolerate this bullshit.

I think if you’re both really serious all you can do is get together and he will have to prove to your family over time (maybe years) that he has changed. But in the meantime accept he won’t be included in group events

I think your family and friends are correct and I applaud your mother for taking a stance. This man left you needing therapy, most people do not require that at the end of a relationship, even a very upsetting one. His treatment of you regarding the pregnancy is not forgivable.

The fact that so many people don't like him is very telling. I think he's let you down and disappointed you enough. If you want to give him another chance that's on you but I understand why your mum doesn't want him around. I don't blame her. I think you need to keep the relationships separate. Although, realistically I couldn't marry and have jkids with a man that isn't accepted by my family. It just makes everything harder.

Your Mum is quite within her rights to set that boundary. So you'll have to weigh up if you're ok with that, or whether this will become a lifelong issue that you need to choose between. If I was your parent I would trust your judgement given that you're an adult, and let you make your own mistakes again if that's what it comes to. I wouldn't be playing the relationship police with you, it's your choice.

I think he wants to show himself and people around us how he has changed. He keeps telling me how proud he is that he has me back in his life and how grateful he is.

Then his change will last for as long as he's interested and in love with you....as soon as life gets hard or he looses that in love feeling he will revert back to his hurtful ways.