My family/friends telling me to stay away from partner

[AliPineNeedles]

My family and friends really dislike my partner. I met him in 2016 and we were together for 4 years. The pandemic hit us hard and we ended. He moved away, we didn't speak for almost three years until he came back to apologise. He's been in therapy, he's made life changes and is doing well. I ignored him at first but after some thought I replied. We spoke back and forth for three/four months until I agreed to meet. All my feelings came flooding back. We are long distance (due to him moving away) and are taking it slow. I believe he has changed. I saw a therapist when we broke up as I wasn't in a good place. He is 40 and I am 35. He was very emotionally unavailable throughout the relationship, but not a 'bad person', never aggressive but perhaps immature.

I didn't tell anyone else until we had been seeing one another for a while. And since I have the burden and pressure from them feels huge. My Mum (who I'm very close to) especially.

They think he 'emotionally abused' me in the past by pushing what he wanted, especially with regards having children. I had an accidental pregnancy two years in and he reacted badly saying he never wanted children. In hindsight I should have had that conversation with him sooner. He left me as I wanted to keep our baby, I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks (quite traumatic) and he came back. He now says he wants children and doesn't know why he reacted that way.

They didn't like how he made very little effort with my loved ones. Made excuses (and some white lies) to get out of seeing them. He didn't seem to prioritise me, sometimes he would even forget plans we had made. My friends also saw him speak quite badly to his Mum and sisters at times.

He was a very solo thinker, it took a long time to move in together and even then he seemed to be dreaming up buying houses in areas he wanted to live in that wouldn't have suited my life or my job. He would hide little bits about me, harmless things really.

He has apologised to me for all of the above. He said he was really scared and didn't want to commit, therapy has helped him with that and he's changed.
My Mum has told me clearly that if I am with him that she doesn't want him to be a part of their lives. He won't be invited for family events/Christmases etc. The time around the miscarriage really upset not just me, but my loved ones. They saw the multiple disappointments and upset ness and many of them think I am now being blind. I'm willing to give him a chance but the negativity surrounding it is becoming hard to stand. He says he will show them he has changed, but he also admits it causes him stress.

I just need someone outside perspective to wonder AIBU to give him a chance.

Where has the mum made it about her. She has told Op to do what she wants to but she won't have anything to do with him. She hasn't been told how to live her life.

The Ops mum has said how she, herself, is willing to live her life. Which has every right to do.

Op can live her life as she wishes. Her mum can do the same.

I agree with your family op.

I honestly don’t think many people can change THAT much from a bit of therapy.

And honestly, when it’s the right person, it’s not this much hard work.

Please work on your self respect and remove this man from your life. Long distance isn’t ideal either.

This as a starting point might help you identify whether the relationship was abusive, but I’d also strongly recommend you do the freedom programme online and read why does he do that before you go any further with this relationship. That will help you to gain clarity about whether it was abuse.

I come from a family of strong women....i'm lucky enough to still have a grandmother and I also had a strong great grandmother for my childhood. I was brought up to be independent so they say I should hold myself in higher regard.

And it's a pity that none of that rubbed off onto you. These wise women are giving you great advice and supported you and you turn around and make bad decisions. Good on your mum for standing her ground and not supporting you in this.

You should listen to the people who love you. I don’t think anyone really changes that much. They might evolve a bit and improve their life, but they can’t really alter their personality.

He sounds horrible and he treated you badly, so I am not sure why you would want to be in a relationship with him anyway. What is in it for you? A dud partner who is loathed by all your family isn’t much of a catch.

You're allowed to change your mind. Sometimes, we think we can forgive and get past things, but in reality, it's not that easy.

You need to listen to the posts here and look at your self esteem. I have been there it's tough but you need to realise being alone is better than this compromised life

I'm looking at the above @Nicole1111. Thank you for posting that. I have also googled 'signs of emotional abuse' to try understand.

He doesn't control/monitor, nothing like that or control finances etc. He just left and came back multiple times, white lies and making a lot of things about him. His reaction to the pregnancy, his feelings about the miscarriage, his job, his friends. It was his world and I had to fit around that. A lot of false promises if I did what he wanted (like we will be so happy if you just see it my way this time). As soon as I would get sick, pregnant, stressed he would be busy, neglectful. He also put down my job a lot (teacher) as not being as important as his.

Basically he emotionally neglect and yes, emotionally abused you, was not there for you, literally abandoned you, but somehow his brain has done an 180 degree turn and become this other person who is loving, kind and full of empathy. You are still trauma bonded to this tosser, miss the "good times" and believe he can change.

Therapy is your friend OP.

He left you when pregnant and came back when you lost your baby. He was HAPPY when you lost your baby. What the fuck are you doing.

Do you not think they have a point?

Because he hides it from them!

Abusers often are 'the good guy' to the rest of the world.

People who know him best know different

No. No. NO. No. NO

You do not go to couples counselling if there's even a sniff of any kind of abuse.

You wonder why his friends don't see him as abusive? THIS is why

Because he's manipulative.

Please don't go there

Not your problem

You can not go out with anyone you don't want to

You don't owe him anything

If you do get back with him ( and it sounds like you really want to give the relationship another go) then make sure you are sure of your future together ( as much as is possible) before having a baby with this man. Don’t live with him straight away. Get engaged and married and then discuss a family if that’s what you both want.
Personally I’d move on. You can do better!

Him being hurt is not your problem. Look after yourself and your own emotional well being.

I find it interesting that you don’t want to break his heart but you don’t put the same logic into breaking ALL your friends and families hearts by dragging them back into this with you. They’re the ones who have actually been there for you, picked up the pieces he left behind and they’re the ones probably banging their heads against a wall begging you not to put all of you through it once again.

From the additional context it sounds more and more like you’re suddenly the best option for him with your set up in London and no doubt everyone around you sees through that too.

Ultimately it is your choice, but if perhaps stop focusing solely on how he might feel, how he might get hurt and start looking at yourself and your loved ones and whether he really is worth all the heartache before it’s even begun again. I mean, is it supposed to be this hard to be in love with someone?

Have you looked in to narcissism?

100% this.

OF COURSE abusers deny that they are abusers. As far as they are concerned, they are entirely reasonable and their behaviour is entirely justifiable. The usual line is that their partner is far too sensitive, or has their own issues that made them behave that way.

If their behaviour was caused by their own mental health issues, they are even less likely to admit that the effect on their partner was abusive.

The coming and going is abusive behaviour as that messes with the other person’s emotions. They can’t heal or think straight because their abuser comes and goes and it eventually leads to anxiety and second guessing.

If he loved you then he would have left you alone after he ran away. Coming back (again!!) shows a lack of self awareness or concern for your well being.

Yes @FictionalCharacter I think he has at the very least admitted traits of narcissism from the past

I could have written the same as I’m in the same type of relationship where my family are so frustrated that I can’t keep away from him. I did the time apart and got myself stronger and felt when he started hoovering me thought I would just ignore him but fell for it again. This is Narcissistic abuse. Follow Dr Ramani on YouTube as it will help to clarify
the type of person you are dealing with. I think you are trauma bonded

I genuinely am reading all of these with regard. I'm not being flippant. I've been a long time reader of Mumsnet and have seen friends have horrible relationships.

Yes, I would admit to being treated badly but I always reserved the term abuse for something more serious/more controlling.

You can forgive him but that doesn't mean you have to be with him. I'm actually very willing to give someone credit for changing, but I don't think I'd be willing to put myself at risk or take another chance at a person like that.

That he has a lot of friends is meaningless. Some people can be horrible to their partner but have lots of other relationships. People also may have different standards for a friend than a life partner, where you need more specific criteria met.