My family/friends telling me to stay away from partner

[AliPineNeedles]

My family and friends really dislike my partner. I met him in 2016 and we were together for 4 years. The pandemic hit us hard and we ended. He moved away, we didn't speak for almost three years until he came back to apologise. He's been in therapy, he's made life changes and is doing well. I ignored him at first but after some thought I replied. We spoke back and forth for three/four months until I agreed to meet. All my feelings came flooding back. We are long distance (due to him moving away) and are taking it slow. I believe he has changed. I saw a therapist when we broke up as I wasn't in a good place. He is 40 and I am 35. He was very emotionally unavailable throughout the relationship, but not a 'bad person', never aggressive but perhaps immature.

I didn't tell anyone else until we had been seeing one another for a while. And since I have the burden and pressure from them feels huge. My Mum (who I'm very close to) especially.

They think he 'emotionally abused' me in the past by pushing what he wanted, especially with regards having children. I had an accidental pregnancy two years in and he reacted badly saying he never wanted children. In hindsight I should have had that conversation with him sooner. He left me as I wanted to keep our baby, I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks (quite traumatic) and he came back. He now says he wants children and doesn't know why he reacted that way.

They didn't like how he made very little effort with my loved ones. Made excuses (and some white lies) to get out of seeing them. He didn't seem to prioritise me, sometimes he would even forget plans we had made. My friends also saw him speak quite badly to his Mum and sisters at times.

He was a very solo thinker, it took a long time to move in together and even then he seemed to be dreaming up buying houses in areas he wanted to live in that wouldn't have suited my life or my job. He would hide little bits about me, harmless things really.

He has apologised to me for all of the above. He said he was really scared and didn't want to commit, therapy has helped him with that and he's changed.
My Mum has told me clearly that if I am with him that she doesn't want him to be a part of their lives. He won't be invited for family events/Christmases etc. The time around the miscarriage really upset not just me, but my loved ones. They saw the multiple disappointments and upset ness and many of them think I am now being blind. I'm willing to give him a chance but the negativity surrounding it is becoming hard to stand. He says he will show them he has changed, but he also admits it causes him stress.

I just need someone outside perspective to wonder AIBU to give him a chance.

And why did you stop confronting, why did you become ‘quieter, weaker’? Because of his behaviour and his reaction to being confronted?

I come from a family of strong women....i'm lucky enough to still have a grandmother and I also had a strong great grandmother for my childhood. I was brought up to be independent so they say I should hold myself in higher regard.

Probably @EverybodyLTB. I became insecure through that years and it took a lot to build it up again.

If he was shocked at being told it was emotional abuse then he is not safe, you must understand that. Because he’s saying that despite appalling behaviour, he does not/did not understand why you were getting quieter, and does not agree with it now. He’s manipulating you OP. I beg you to reconsider all of this, contact your therapist for an urgent appointment.

You have a bigger apartment in London than last time. You have your own business. That's very appealing. He knows you. He knows which buttons to press. He knows how to get in your head and make you doubt yourself. He knows he can manipulate you into much less contact with your family than you have now. Please throw him back Op

If it was just your mum being “against” then I’d say do what you want but as it’s your friends and mum then I’m inclined to think that they are right. They knew you during and after the relationship and will have a clearer view of things than you.

Some of his excuses sound weak. I suspect that if he did make a show that he was committed to you by say having a baby, then you’ll end up a single parent. Men know that “I’ve been in therapy “ is what a woman wants to hear. “I was scared of committing” is a movie trope like the therapy line. I suspect that the reality is that the grass wasn’t greener after his relationship with you and that he’s feeding you vague lines. You can do better

“Probably @EverybodyLTB. I became insecure through that years and it took a lot to build it up again.”

This insecurity and ‘quietness, weakness’ you describe, you attribute to his behaviour and no other particular factors, yes? And he says now that he’s puzzled by this? The two are not compatible ways of thinking. This man doesn’t understand what is abuse, and he has a history of hurting you deeply, making you a shadow of yourself - you cannot walk safely back into this.

Most people would think you’re stupid for getting back with an ex, as it rarely works especially in circumstances like this.

However, it is up to you who you are in a relationship with and not them.

You need to not moan about him to them and you need to understand that just because you want a relationship with him, doesn’t mean they want to.

Pregnancy can be extremely hard work and takes a huge toll on your body. Having a small baby is exhausting for a lot of the time. You need to be with someone who truly loves you and can be relied upon to be there at three in the morning when you are both shattered and the baby is screaming despite all your best efforts. That is incredibly hard for couples who are a team . You and he will never be a team. He would be pushing for you to get back to work as soon as possible to pay for your flat and to keep your business going. You will be expected to cover all the costs of that child because you are the one who really wanted it . I understand that,at your age, the clock is ticking but please don't get back with this man

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Run very far away from this man. Listen to your family &friends. He will do it again.

I suppose the crux of the matter is that your mum has put in place clear boundaries that she doesn't want him in her/their life - and that is absolutely her choice and decision to make and stick too; as its your choice if you choose to try again with this man despite it meaning both elements of your life remain separate; that you will have two facets of life that do not co join. So no Christmas, New year, Birthday celebrations... No invites to Christenings or random days/nights out, no family bbq's that stretch into summer evenings, no family holidays....

You're signing up for either:

• stomping over mums boundaries and trying to shoehorn this man into her life so you can have your cake and eat it, putting on a face, fake.
• Having two disparate lives where you see him OR your family - this can result in you starting to lose your family more and more and the support group that they bring as you feel unable to go to family events because he isn't welcome.... or they are forced to come round and soften to the idea of him in order to maintain a relationship with you - see point one

Neither of these choices are ideal but that's where you will be

My son did the same; choosing a girlfriend who we thought had mentally and emotionally abused him. He's made the choice to have her in his life, whilst he has her in his life we will tolerate and be cordial; we still see the abuse but we can't raise it, we cant make him see - we can only support him from this side and make sure that he always has this side of safety to fall back on.

But why do you want to give him a second chance to hurt you again? That's the question I would be asking myself. Are you scared to be alone? Or do you think you don't deserve something better than him?

Only you can decide if he is worth losing family and friends over.

You were a strong woman - this has been eroded over the course of your relationship.

That alone tells me,it's emotional abuse.

One my best friends has a similar experience. She dated and then married a man who none of us liked and we didn't even know the half of it. They suffered a miscarriage & discovered thry would need IVF. Her partner was horrific, first abusive, blaming her and the going missing like your guy. She finally left him. He also turned up again, all sorry, dine therapy, changed man shit. Thankfully, she didn't go back but he's now in a new relationship & his current gf contacted my friend for help. He hasn't changed.

Decent friends and family want to like your partner. They truely want the best for you. Your mum is worried and with good reason.

I personally think that someone can change BUT not with a partner they previously had, it has to be a new partner where those old negative behaviours didn't appear other wise you just fall into old habits.

The only exception to this I think is if you were together as very young adults /older teens, lived a life and developed and then returned. I'm talking being separate for decades and the first relationship being before the parties were properly developed in their brain, personalities or their experience in relationship.

If he was a grown man when you dated him which it sounds like he definitely was I'd be steering well clear and wishing him luck in his next relationship.

They never change. I'm a middle aged old bag, I've seen it all and I can promise you that they simply do not change.

You deserve much better than this.

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees Your poor friend. Can't believe his new GF reached out.

No one really in his world (apart from maybe Mum and sisters) seemed to have an issue with my partner. He has many friends. Is Godfather to friends kids. That has always thrown me because why can't his friends/colleagues see it if he is a bad guy

That has always thrown me because why can't his friends/colleagues see it if he is a bad guy

Because he picks and chooses who to be an asshole to. Abusers don't do it to people they fear, respect, or worry about the consequences with.

If his behaviour impacted you in an emotionally negative way and you told him that behaviour a, b, c makes me feel frightened, lonely, worthless etc and he continued to behave in the ways that impacted you, knowing the pain it was causing…. That’s emotional abuse.

assuming that your emotional reaction was generally acceptable reaction. For example.
he kept secrets about his life. I told him this made me feel I wasn’t important or trustworthy. He continued to keep unreasonable secrets from me. This is emotional abuse.

This. Its how they mess with your mind . You have a wobble about the relationship ,speak to someone who knows him. They tell you he's lovely, dependable, fabulous. You doubt yourself and feel bad for thinking negative things about them so you apologise and make an extra effort. They get the benefit even though they've been a shit to you. And so the cycle goes round and round

It sounds like you have already made up your mind. Despite most people thinking you are making a big mistake you are making excuses for him. Please listen to what people are saying. You have moved on and made a success of your life. Suddenly he reappears and wants to be part of it. A leopard doesn't change its spot no matter how much therapy they have.

He says he will show them he has changed, but he also admits it causes him stress.

He's excusing the shitty behaviour before he even starts it. Red flag!

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse

If he moves to London he'll no doubt want to stay with you for a while and then he'll ,accidently, never leave because he would be spending so much time at yours that he might as well live there. Then ,when he's gone back to his old ways, and you are desperate to get rid ,you won't be able to because London is so expensive he won't be able to afford a flat on his wages. He'll get in your head, make you feel bad,drop the 'we could have a baby' thing back in. Anything to not be chucked out.

Apart from just saying he is sorry, what has he actually done to prove he is remorseful for everything he has done to you? The therapy was for him, not you, and him coming back was because he couldn't find anything better, where are the actions that prove he regrets what he has done?
You deserve better then being someones back up plan.