My family/friends telling me to stay away from partner

[AliPineNeedles]

My family and friends really dislike my partner. I met him in 2016 and we were together for 4 years. The pandemic hit us hard and we ended. He moved away, we didn't speak for almost three years until he came back to apologise. He's been in therapy, he's made life changes and is doing well. I ignored him at first but after some thought I replied. We spoke back and forth for three/four months until I agreed to meet. All my feelings came flooding back. We are long distance (due to him moving away) and are taking it slow. I believe he has changed. I saw a therapist when we broke up as I wasn't in a good place. He is 40 and I am 35. He was very emotionally unavailable throughout the relationship, but not a 'bad person', never aggressive but perhaps immature.

I didn't tell anyone else until we had been seeing one another for a while. And since I have the burden and pressure from them feels huge. My Mum (who I'm very close to) especially.

They think he 'emotionally abused' me in the past by pushing what he wanted, especially with regards having children. I had an accidental pregnancy two years in and he reacted badly saying he never wanted children. In hindsight I should have had that conversation with him sooner. He left me as I wanted to keep our baby, I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks (quite traumatic) and he came back. He now says he wants children and doesn't know why he reacted that way.

They didn't like how he made very little effort with my loved ones. Made excuses (and some white lies) to get out of seeing them. He didn't seem to prioritise me, sometimes he would even forget plans we had made. My friends also saw him speak quite badly to his Mum and sisters at times.

He was a very solo thinker, it took a long time to move in together and even then he seemed to be dreaming up buying houses in areas he wanted to live in that wouldn't have suited my life or my job. He would hide little bits about me, harmless things really.

He has apologised to me for all of the above. He said he was really scared and didn't want to commit, therapy has helped him with that and he's changed.
My Mum has told me clearly that if I am with him that she doesn't want him to be a part of their lives. He won't be invited for family events/Christmases etc. The time around the miscarriage really upset not just me, but my loved ones. They saw the multiple disappointments and upset ness and many of them think I am now being blind. I'm willing to give him a chance but the negativity surrounding it is becoming hard to stand. He says he will show them he has changed, but he also admits it causes him stress.

I just need someone outside perspective to wonder AIBU to give him a chance.

This. You can decide that it's all going to be lovely. Other people don't have to buy in to that delusion.

He can choose to believe it wasn’t emotional abuse.

The impact it had on you is the same either way.

Don’t let his gratitude sway you.

Best case scenario, he is genuine- but he will revert to type when stressed despite his best efforts. He will wobble under pressure. He’s going to have a bad day at work and come home panicking that you are pregnant and he shouldn’t have agreed to a baby. He’s going to worry about money and he’ll shut you out and hide things.

He’s not a good bet for you.

Therapy can help someone understand who they are but it doesn't change them. This man is 40 - he is not going to change into who you need him to be. Right now he's trying and putting on a good show. He probably thinks he has changed! Move forwards not backwards

There is a difference between being a bad partner/ boyfriend and being abusive.
My now husband was a crap boyfriend the first 18 months of our relationship. No committed, stood me up on a few occasions etc. He wasnt abusive. Just a crap boyfriend. was recently divorced and and not ready to be in a relationship. my family were not fans. And eventually we broke up.

we got back together again 2 years later. I was very sceptical and tested that he had really changed.

My family were not fans at first. I told them they’d have to trust my judgement. And I told him that they would like him, if they saw that I was happy.

we’ve been married 15 years and they adore him now.

so- the bottom line I think is you have to be convinced that fundamentally he is decent, and that what was going on before has actually changed. Your family are there to back you. Not chose for you

Yes I know, but what are the long term effects on him not being welcome? How awkward for the OP, who may feel like she has to choose between her OH and her family. Gradually, it all becomes too awkward and OP stops going to the family events too, and her and her mum don't talk as much as they did, and before you know it, she's estranged.

Obviously, this may not happen. But it's a common scenario and it's why I think her mum shouldn't have said what she said.

Therapy has definitely changed me! I'm a completely different person to who I used to be.

I needed therapy after my exhusbands behaviour during our marriage. I was so enmeshed with him that I would still have taken him back. My therapist said one day " you can miss someone without needing to have them in your life anymore ".. It changed my whole mindset. My life would have continued to be absolute shit if I had taken him back.

I’m fascinated to know how being scared to commit to you made him mean to his mum and sisters. Smells like bullshit.

You describe a man who has said he's changed, but can't explain why he did what he did, and won't accept it was emotionally abusive. Could you tell us more why you believe he has changed?

You also describe a man who (paraphrasing) is back with you because he wants to show others how much he has changed. Doesn't that make you sad?

You've mentioned that he supported you through a difficult time, am I right in reading this as he entered your life again at a point you were vulnerable?

I would strongly suggest that before you enter into any relationship you return to therapy to unpick why you were willing to accept so little and still would do the same today.

If your family dont like him, this is always a bit of a red flag I think.I would not go back to him ,you have been apart for a while now .I think you know deep down its not going to work out .

So that means women should just date whatever waste of space throws them a few crumbs? Please. Its not compulsory to be in a relationship and it’s certainly better to be single than in one that doesn’t meet your needs.

Really? The mum is the issue here? Let's see how it plays out if she cuts off her family for the guy, who will she run to when he dumps her again?

If he doesn't understand and accept it was emotional abuse, he has learn nothing.

Are you sure your age & desire to have children aren't overriding logic?

Even if he has changed, what happens when you add children. He doesn't cope with this well. It is highly likely that will have an effect on him again too.

I wouldn't ever give a man an opportunity to disrespect me a second time.

You are close to your mum. She only wants what's best for you. If she genuinely thought this was a good young for you, do you really think she wouldn't be endorsing it?

He was abusive. That’s a fact. If he cannot see that he was abusive in the past then all the therapy in the world won’t change him. You are grasping at straws and it will be back to the same old before you know it.
If you were my daughter and I had seen you go through so much pain with that man then I would take the same stand as your Mother. I would hate him for hurting my beloved daughter so much and would refuse to hear another word about him.
Time to choose. The loving family who have supported you through so much or the abusive selfish partner who has hurt you so much.

I didn't say the mum was the issue.

But I wondered if there was a link between the OP being emotionally abused by her partner and the fact that she may be used to being emotionally abused, as she's grown up with it? It may be something worth thinking about for the OP.

OP they're probably worried about picking up the pieces all over again and the emotional cost of doing so. I don't blame them for wanting some boundaries.

YABU.

I don't see any link to being emotional abused by my Mum. I've had a lot of therapy about ex and unrelated about how my Mum was a single parent. I can't see any issue about abuse and my family but I understand why it's questioned.

When ex and I broke up I changed careers, started my own business, moved to a bigger apartment. I am by no means wealthy or anywhere near wealth but it has been mentioned by my family that they think he wants to live in London but couldn't afford to buy here and that he is more interested now I have my own business.

He also doesn't agree in anyway shape or form that it was emotional abuse.

I knew if I kept reading your posts, I’d find cold hard evidence that he has not changed. Here it is!

If this man had changed, learned from therapy, become a wonderful person - he would know that what he’d done previously was abusive. He’s a shitty person and his contacting you was just part of his ego-cycle, patting himself on the back for being such an enlightened and cool guy. You’ve fallen for his bullshit a second time, it’s just the original him with a bit more therapy-speak.

I think the relationship is up to you, you have all the information you need.

Your family have set their boundaries - they want nothing to do with him. What will this look like for your day to day life? How will it affect your own relationship with your family? You could lose any support you have, you won't be able to talk to your own mum about your partner - good or bad. Share nice memories, or talk through problems. You won't be able to have a nice time at family meet ups or special occasions - there will always be awkwardness. You'll have no support network if things go wrong. What I would be weighing up is whether he is worth it? Can you live like this? What about children - if you had children would your family also want nothing to do with them?

No matter how much I loved someone, I couldn't live like this and I'd have to prioritise the close supportive people in my life over the one person that made you so miserable, and make a decision with my head that this isn't going to work.

It sounds like your family want the best for you.

I'm going to ask a very basic question - how can I know if I was emotionally abused?

Everything you’ve said about him during your first relationship with him constitutes emotional abuse. Leaving you while pregnant was disgusting. Lying, hiding, allegedly wanting to be with you but not committing, lying to get out of being with your family when it’s clear how important they are to you, being nasty to his mum and sister - did you ever feel able to confront him about a single one of these thing?

Oh, and in terms of the new relationship, it’s emotional abuse to dispute the shit you’ve put someone through the first time round. It makes the new relationship conditional on you agreeing to dismiss his previous dreadful behaviour as being scared.

I don't see any link to being emotional abused by my Mum. I've had a lot of therapy about ex and unrelated about how my Mum was a single parent. I can't see any issue about abuse and my family but I understand why it's questioned.

OK, I'm glad to hear that OP.

In that case, I would recommend listening to your friends and family then. I deeply believe that people can change, if they really, really want to, but it's hard work and a long process.

He admits what he did wrong, how terrible it was but he 100% says he did not emotionally abuse. The first time I said it to him he had a very shocked reaction, it had clearly never occurred to him that it was abuse.

I didn't confront him during those times, no, I stopped along the way. He said himself I became quieter/weaker during our years together and he saw it but didn't understand why.