AIBU - violin teacher dumped us on the first lesson

[DesperateSusans]

We are new to the area. My daughter (age 7) desperately wants to learn the violin. We asked at her new school and they gave us the information about the local violin teacher who teaches in the local schools and privately.

we contacted the teacher and arranged the lesson. Everything went really well, DD loved it and the teacher was great with us.

I have since received a text message from the teacher which I am confused about.

something along the lines of - great to meet you earlier, on reflection I think a different teacher may be more suited to working with DD. I immediately asked her what she meant. She then went on to say that she felt uncomfortable about the amount of questions I asked with regards to her qualifications, experience and teaching methods and made her feel uncomfortable! Apparently all of this is on her website (I hadn’t looked) and she felt like I was interviewing her!

surely this can’t be right? Isn’t it normal for parents to ask questions when they engage the services of a private tutor?

Why would you ask about their qualifications for a 7-year-old beginner?!? And why wouldn't you look them up online?! You're clearly nuts, so good on the music teacher. I don't think you will find good music (or any specialist teachers in demand) who will put up with you. Shame for your daughter.

I don't think the OP was wrong to ask the questions about the teacher's qualifications - instrumental teaching is unregulated so it is fair enough to know the basis upon which they are teaching - but I think asking all the questions in one go might have come across as a bit intense.

Ideally look at her website first but a general question like: 'So have you been teaching music here for long?' might draw out much of the same information without feeling like an interrogation.

The OP is definitely right to ask about DBS. Obviously the teacher is female in this case, but a music teaching relationship is generally quite long term, carried out 1-1 and OP won't always be sitting in on lessons. There have been many horrific cases of abuse within the context of music - the links obviously contain descriptions of criminal acts.

BBC news report 1
BBC News report 2

You asked in your daughter’s first violin lesson how long it takes to reach each music grade? I’d have run for the hills too.

I think this would have been the clincher to me OP. The time it takes to get to grades, varies massively. Depends on natural ability, how enthusiastic the child is, if they practice as advised etc. Some kids will never get to grade level, some will speed through them and a huge amount will just go at a pace they’re ok with.

It does sound like you needed to look at her website in more depth before questioning her. You aren’t wrong at all to ask questions and I think a first teacher is hugely important. I got into dreadful habits from the off, some of which held me back for years while my next teacher tried to correct them. I hope you find someone that fits with you and DD but do check their general info as it should tell you about their DBS, qualifications etc

What would have done if she said her qualifications were grade 4 while at school and she’s only just started teaching? Would you have found someone else?

I have never asked any music teacher about their qualifications. I am a bit of an internet stalker though, so would have checked out their website. They've usually offered their DBS certificate without me asking.

If the teacher feels she can't work with you and your DD it's best she tells you ASAP.

The teacher is employed by local schools and was recommended by one of them. No need to interview her about her qualifications or DBS.

I guess she can smell an annoying parent and has plenty of business so doesn't need yours. I guess it's either a life lesson for you or you might genuine prefer a different teacher.

Are you British or from a different cultural background?

I can understand why she did this. I have a friend who is an electrician who refused to go back to a customer who asked a lot of questions about qualification levels. British people just find it insulting that you would ask this.

Agreed!

The main thing for a child beginner is to have a teacher who can keep them interested and enthusiastic. That is possibly especially so with violin which is an extremely unforgiving instrument.
So going forward, you don't really need to ask any of the questions about qualifications. Re the DBS check/insurance and such-like, that seems OTT to me in relation to a school recommendation.
Whether the teacher gels with the child is the absolutely key thing in my view (DD plays numerous instruments, a couple to a highish level).
If you can, try to take on board what PPs have said so that you don't end up struggling to find a teacher who will work with you.
It sounds like your DD is really enthusiastic and it would be a pity to put barriers in her way just because you're perhaps unnecessarily worried about things.

You asked how long it takes to get grades 😂😂😂?

sorry, that is too funny!

Honestly, for a beginner I would never have asked. I didn’t even get merit for grade 6 over 20 years ago and I have no problem teaching my DC beginner stuff. Clearly, a teacher who teach the instrument at school will be much more qualified than me. Many teachers also teach their non primary instrument, and they say they can do up to grade 5. Maybe she majors in cello or piano. For beginners, it’s much more important for the teacher to inspire a love of music for your chIld. I’m sure you can hear if they can’t play well.

I taught peri. instruments in schools for a year or so a long time ago, covering maternity leave. For a beginner I would expect a conversation about whether the instrument would suit the child, practice expectations, advice on hiring/purchasing an instrument. The sort of parent who asks about my experience/qualifications and doing grades at this point is almost certainly going to be painful to deal with going forward. The merciless obsession with "the next grade" over enjoyment of the music and the challenge of learning a new skill was the only reason I turned down a permanent contract and went and did something (anything!) else.

Nothing at all.
But you'd expect someone to take the time to look at your website and only ask questions that weren't addressed on there.

Even just coming across as someone who wants their dd to be getting grades rather than having fun and enjoying music is a big red flag.

It sounds like you unwittingly shouted you’re going to be a pita. Your DD is 7, for now she’s just learning for fun so question accordingly. At least you know for next time.

I'm sorry, OP, but the teacher has a point. You might think that your DD has the potential to be the next Nicola Benedetti or Anne-Sophie Mutter, but the teacher just sees a girl whose mother shows hallmarks of being That Parent, and concludes that it may not be worth the candle.

You sound like a nightmare. It was her first violin lesson and you interrogate the teacher!
Would you do that if you went to a mixed dance lesson? Give the teacher an interview at the start?
I’m so glad my own mother didn’t do that to people when I started new hobbies.

You were ott .

My dc are are grade 6/7/8 on 3 instruments and I have never asked any of the teachers questions like that.

And times to get grades are something you should never have asked. It’s totally dependent on your child. How much and how effective are their practice. I sit in on DC violin lesson and I read DC school instrument notes. I’m not there to question the teacher but find out how best to support my child. I help them with rhythm (kids all dislike the metronome), listen to their scales, accompany them on the piano etc. But I don’t blame the teacher if my child doesn’t play well enough. I know why they aren’t when I hear them practice.

But not the one with the recommendation which is probably the best around

It’s actually really hard to find violin teachers where I am.

@DesperateSusans sorry for laughing.

Look, if grades and very quick progress is important to you - and you are sure that violin is the instrument for your DD, you may want to look for a teacher attached to a music school. You will need a recommendation about the teaching philosophy of the teacher - and you will need to be recommended to the teacher by someone they trust.

if you sit in on every lesson and take notes and encourage your DD to practice about 30 min per day (with you guiding the practice), arrange for 2 lessons per week and also for participation in an orchestra as soon as your DD is able, you should be able to get to about grade 6/7 by year 6 (faster than one grade per year).

fundamentally, unless your DD really enjoys it, you are heavily involved and you play a wide range of music outside of the grades, she will not be a good player. It is related not only to the teacher but to how much they play and the variety of the music.

if you let your child be in charge on their own, by year 6, they may be grade 2, possibly 3 and play mainly out of tune.

it is impossible for the teacher to know how fast it will go.

You were / are one of 'those' parents.
^
I imagine she thought she had dodged a bullet.^

Reverse.